Doms of Chicago, Boxed Set One, page 13
Shaking her head, Kalinda turned the glass she was holding in her hands. “No, there won’t be. Do you know why?”
“Tell me.”
“Because the only man I fantasize about I can’t have. My brother and Josh had a falling out. I won’t hurt Caelan by going to Josh. So like I said, I’m sorry if I overstepped my bounds, but I don’t want to see Caelan turn from you because you’re contemplating a relationship with his ex-best friend. ”
“So you’re trying to keep me from angering Caelan. But what happens when I do anger him, Kalinda? Eventually it’s going to happen. My personality is outgoing and I’m strong willed when I want to be. When I decide I want some one or thing or don’t want it, it’s harder than hell to change my mind.”
“I don’t know, Nisey but I wanted you to know up front what trips Josh’s trigger. He’s not just into bondage. He wants utter submission and isn’t above using a whip to insure he gets it. And there are women out there who love pain. As much as you want bondage, I just don’t think you are into that amount of pain.”
Sitting back, Nisey focused on her. “I will admit the idea of letting a man use a whip on my ass makes me want to take the whip away and use it on him. Even if your brother isn’t into delivering pain to his sub, I don’t know if I can handle the idea he shares them any easier.”
Kalinda went pale. “I had no idea…is that why you asked about him sharing with Josh?”
“Yes. I’m not sure how much of what Josh told me is true or not but the pictures don’t lie.”
“You found pictures? Where?”
“On your brother’s camera. I don’t know if he left them for me to find or not. But when I turned it on, they came up.”
“I’m sorry, girl. I know you’re not that type of girl who would allow her mate to share her.”
“Don’t be sorry. Perhaps training is different than being a sub, but it will definitely be one of the questions I will be asking Caelan when I finally write my email to him.”
“Surely he won’t ask that of you, knowing your background?” Kalinda seemed uneasy with the idea.
“I don’t know. But I will be discussing this with him. I don’t know if it will be a hard limit or not for me, but I know I’m not ready for that. Hell I can’t even orgasm in the same room with a man, how the hell am I supposed do it in front of two men?”
Shock washed over Kalinda’s face. “You’ve never had an orgasm with a man?”
Shaking her head, Nisey fidgeted under Kalinda’s gaze.
“Too self-conscious to let go, I guess. Perhaps that’s what appeals to me about BDSM.”
“True. A Dom won’t give you a choice. You’ll climax because he won’t settle for less. You don’t think any less of me for wanting to experience the pain do you?”
“Oh no. You’re still my girlfriend, Kalinda. You can’t help wanting Josh any more than I can help wanting your brother. Perhaps one day we’ll both give into what we both need. That’s if we don’t let our upright upbringing interfere with it.”
Giving Nisey’s shoulder a squeeze Kalinda laughed. “Uptight is more like it. Your self-consciousness is your mother’s doing. She’s such a frigid bitch and takes it to an extreme. ‘Sex is for marriage only and good girls don’t ever touch themselves’.”
Nisey burst into laughter at Kalinda’s mimicking. “Damn if you don’t do her spot on.” Wiping her eyes, she leaned back against the couch.
“So are you going to open it?”
“Open what?”
“Caelan’s note. I recognize his handwriting.”
Opening her eyes, she met her friend’s. “Yes, I’ll open it – eventually.”
“Surely you’re not afraid of my brother?”
“No. I’m not afraid of him, just the questions he’s going to ask me. I’ve never really examined my reasoning behind why I’m attracted to BDSM. It’s kind of like asking a ‘chocoholic’ why they love chocolate. They just do.”
“So many reasons it’s hard to narrow it down to just one? Would it help if you talked to me about each question before you answer it?”
Leaning forward, she traced over the elegant letters of Caelan’s handwriting. As much as she longed for an understanding ear, what Kalinda wanted to talk about was so private, she didn’t know if she could tell Caelan, let alone her friend.
“Thanks for the offer, Kalinda, but I just don’t know…”
Kalinda held her hands up. “Hey no pressure here, girl! Just remember I’m here for you if you need me.” Giving Nisey a quick hug, she settled back on the couch. “If I turn on the boob-tube, will it bother you?” Kalinda paused as she reached for the remote.
“No. Go ahead. I’m going check my email and do a bit of homework before I answer Caelan’s questions.” Nisey tucked her hair behind her ears.
“Procrastinating is going to get you a warm bottom, girl. Promptness is something Caelan is a fanatic about.”
Glancing up at the clock on the wall, Nisey giggled. “I’ve still got three hours.”
Kalinda smirked. “Tick tock, tick tock.”
Their laughter filled the living room before the sound of the television drowned it out.
* * * *
Glancing at the clock, Nisey realized that she could no longer put it off. It was nearing nine and if she were going to give it the time and consideration she needed to, she was going to have to start now. Just as she started to open the folded note, the phone next to her rang. Looking over at Kalinda, she saw her best friend had dozed off. There was only one person she could think of who would be calling on Caelan’s private line.
“Hello?” She knew her voice sounded soft and breathless.
“Tráthnóna, grá.”
His soft brogue sent goose bumps racing over her.
“You must have made it okay. What you just said, what does it mean, Caelan? It sounds so sexy.” Nisey couldn’t believe her own boldness. Perhaps it has something to do with the idea he can’t see me.
“Feisty tonight aren’t you, Nisey? It means ‘Good evening’ roughly translated.”
“Tra-nona?” Even to her own ears it sounded like she’d slaughtered the pronunciation.
Caelan chuckled. “I definitely need to work on your Gaelic, muirnín.”
“Are you ever going to tell me what you’re calling me when you say grá and now this new one, muirnín?”
“When you’ve earned it, I will tell you.”
“Now it sounds like you’re playing hard to get. You’re probably calling me brat or something.”
“I’m not calling you a sotaire nor am I playing hard to get, Miss Elusive. Hopefully you’ll stop running from what you want and allow me to help you. Have you sent your email yet?”
Nisey nibbled on her lip. “Not yet.”
She could hear his deep sigh over the line. “Procrastinating, I see. I was serious, Nisey, when I told you I wanted it by ten o’clock.”
“I know you were.”
“Then why haven’t you started it, grá?”
“Honestly?”
“Of course honestly.” The exasperation in his voice was laced with humor.
“I’m worried I won’t be able to answer your questions.”
“This isn’t a test. There are no wrong answers. Think of it as one of those psych tests you took in school. What I’m asking is only to understand you better and what you need.”
“I understand that, Caelan, it’s just….” She looked over as Kalinda began to stir and tried to stretch out on the couch. “Just a second.” Scooting over to avoid Kalinda’s legs, she decided to move off the couch. Carrying the cordless phone and her laptop out of the living room, she slipped into Caelan’s room so she wouldn’t disturb her girlfriend.
“I’m sorry, Caelan, I needed to move. Kalinda kicked me off the couch.”
“She kicked you off the couch?”
“Yes. She fell asleep watching TV. Besides as much as I love your sister, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in front of her.” Setting her laptop down in front of her, she sprawled across his bed on her stomach.
“So where did you go?”
“Your room…I hope you don’t mind? I went upstairs today and cleaned up a bit but I was warned by this Dom I know, that if I didn’t stay down in his part of the house, he wouldn’t be very happy with me.”
“And did you stay off the roof like he asked?”
“Of course. I’m not stupid.”
“Good girl. Now answer my earlier question, why are you scared to open my note?”
Fiddling with the paper, she finally opened it. The first question he’d written hit home.
“In the memory of my camera, I left three pictures for you. Tell me how they make you feel emotionally, not physically.”
“So you did it on purpose.”
“Did what on purpose?”
“Left those pictures for me to find.”
“Yes, I did. You expressed an interest in bondage. I wanted you to see the reality of experiencing bondage at my hands. I don’t just tie up my subs; I practice the art of shibari and it’s a big part of what I desire in a sub. I don’t believe in rushing my sessions. It takes a long time but it’s worth every minute to me.”
“Along with sharing your sub?”
“Ah, I see you caught that. I was hoping you would. How did the pictures make you feel?”
“They definitely are erotic.”
“I know they are, Nisey. But I want to know how they made you feel.”
“Needy.”
“Explain. I need more than one word phrases here.” His voice was firm.
She shifted uncomfortably before rolling over on her back. “I wanted to be the one restrained. Having that kind of attention spent on me to create such an erotic piece of art is arousing and would make me feel special…cherished and worthy.”
“Why would you feel you aren’t worthy?” His question was gentle.
“I’m not the perfect daughter. I’ve disappointed my parents time and time again as my mother never lets me forget. From my desire to create things, to the idea I won’t settle for a lifestyle which befits their prestigious family name, nothing I’ve ever accomplished has ever been good enough.”
“So in reality the reason the pictures appealed to you is the idea of submitting to me and allowing me to bind you gives you the approval you never received from your parents.”
“Not my parents, my mother. I just want what Sara has in those pictures.”
“Two men ready to use her for their pleasure and hers?”
“No. I mean, the idea intrigues me, but it’s not the idea of sexually pleasing two men that draws me. When I looked at her it’s obvious Sara has both Gabriel’s and your approval and ultimately your respect. She knows her submission is pleasing to you both and is secure in the fact, with each tightening of the rope, she is pleasing not only herself but you and Gabriel too.”
“Good girl. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?”
The approval in his voice sent waves of warmth over her. I pleased him by simply answering his question honestly. No disapproval for wanting more than what I’ve been offered.
“What about the next question, Nisey?”
She swallowed before looking down at the next question.
“You’re obviously attracted to bondage but what else appeals about BDSM?”
“One of those ‘chocolate’ questions.”
“I can’t believe I’m going to ask this, but what does chocolate have to do with my question?”
“I was telling Kalinda earlier answering these questions were going to be like asking a ‘chocoholic” why she loves chocolate.”
A soft laugh escaped him. “Very accurate comparison but I still want to know your answer.”
“I guess it isn’t just the idea of one act or another or even the sex itself, which makes me crazy, Caelan. It’s being in a relationship with the kind of trust where one moment I can be curled up beside my Dom on his bed, but the next he might order me to submit and I’ll once more feel the embrace of the ropes or any other deliciously degrading thing he wants to do to me or have me do that thrills me to my core. I want to be able to trust my Dom enough to tell him everything. Every dark desire I have or twisted fantasy that crosses my mind and have him accept them. Is it wrong to hope there is a man out there like that? One who will use my trust and submission not only for my pleasure but for his too?”
“There is nothing wrong with longing for that kind of connection with your Dom, Nisey. Yes there are Dom’s out there who are willing to have that kind of relationship.”
A sigh of relief escaped her. “Trust is the key and I know it. I made a mistake with Derrick. I trusted him but he never trusted me. He abused my trust and even though I could’ve gotten over being punished, the lack of trust he showed is another thing all together.
“So you’ve never had a Dom hold you through the night, let alone praise for pleasing him.”
She shook her head before realizing he couldn’t possibly see it. “No.”
“Do you realize this expectation of sharing a bed with your Dom is not a common place thing between a Dom and sub who haven’t completed a collaring ceremony?”
“Of course, I understand. This is a goal—not an expectation.”
She could hear his sigh in the background before he continued. “Just because a Dom chooses not to sleep with you immediately, you need to realize he isn’t rejecting your trust in him. Just as a Dom has to earn the trust of his sub, a sub must do the same.”
She lowered her head. “I assumed as much and I know I’m going to have to build trust between myself and the man who decides to be my Dom. I’m not scared of hard work as long as in the end I find what I need.”
“So are you looking for ‘a happily ever’ after here? The vanilla ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t normally occur in the BDSM world. The bond a collared sub makes with her Master is nothing like a marriage vow.”
She closed her eyes. She could tell he was thinking she was trying to romanticize a D/s relationship. How do I answer him without him thinking I’m trying to force a relationship on him? “I understand that, Caelan. I’m hoping one day I’ll be collared. I think the collar a master bestows on his sub is the ultimate symbol of his trust and pleasure in his sub. Just as wearing it shows the sub’s absolute commitment to her master. Rather old fashioned of me, I guess but in my eyes it’s more than a wedding ring. If what my parents’ marriage is like is the norm, I don’t ever want to get married. I’d much rather be collared.”
“So what exactly are you looking for then?”
“The deeper connection I spoke of before – a man I can give complete control of my body and my emotions to with complete trust. I need to know he’ll take care of them better than I would myself.” She paused and looked deeper inside herself, down to her deepest desire; the one she locked away tight. Releasing her breath, she finally voiced it. “I need a master who won’t abuse the power I give him just because he gets off on it but instead will use it to my benefit; he’ll have taken the time to learn what makes me tick and what I need. In the end he’ll know me better than I know myself.”
“Very good, Nisey. You’ve answered my final question.”
She glanced down at the paper in front of her.
“What are you hoping to get out of a BDSM relationship?”
She hastily brushed a tear away, glad he couldn’t see her. She felt so raw and exposed to him. This is the time to take a leap of faith and hope he uses this to my advantage.
“Are you going to be alright, grá?” His voice whispered across the line.
“Ye…ah…” She tried push away how vulnerable she now felt.
“I wish I was there. You’ve made quite a breakthrough, and I’m proud of you. Instead of shying away from what you were so close to realizing last night, you finally faced it. You are more than worthy of being a sub and don’t let any Dom or Domme tell you otherwise.”
“God I hope you’re right.”
“Don’t doubt me on this, Nisey. I know what I’m talking about. Now since you’ve answered all my questions on the phone, no email is needed tonight. I give you extra points for being brave enough to answer me over the phone. For that and your honesty with me, I want you to go to my dresser, grá. Inside the top right hand drawer, there is a simple leather choker. Take it out.”
Crawling off his bed, she walked over to his dresser. Opening the drawer, she found the choker he was talking about.
“I found it.”
“Good. Now listen to me carefully. I do not want you to put it on. You’re to carry it around, touch it, fantasize about what it means for the rest of the week. When I come home you should have come to a decision. If you don’t want me to train you, when you meet me at the airport you will simply give it back to me, but if you do...” He paused letting her hear only his breathing over the phone.”
Nisey nerves tingled. “But if I do?”
“Put it on, Nisey. Wear it with pride so I and anyone else can see it. I’ll know you wish to be trained and I’ll do the rest. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Caelan.”
“Good. Now you sound tired, muirnín. Why don’t you curl up on my bed and sleep?”
“But I can’t…”
“Kalinda’s sleeping on the couch and unless you want to trek back down to the playroom to sleep on one down there, it’s either my bed or the floor.”
“But I can sleep on the floor…”
“If I find out you chose to sleep on the floor when a perfectly good bed was available, I won’t be happy.”
From the stern tone of his voice she knew he wasn’t joking.
“Yes, Caelan.”
Chapter Eight
“Listen, Buster, you and I are going to talk!” Kalinda stormed into the shop and right up to the counter where Josh had just finished ringing up a customer.
“Excuse me.” His eyes glared at Kalinda, before he turned back to the customer. “I do believe you’ll be happy with the handkerchiefs Nisey embroidered for your husband, Mrs. Nesbit.”
The elderly lady smiled and rubbed her finger over the brown paper package he’d just wrapped. “Oh yes, he will. Neville just adores them. I’ve been doing it for near thirty years, but with this arthritis I just can’t hold a needle anymore. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a person who can still do stitching by hand. All these new fan-dangled machines everyone else uses…”
