The Golden Corset, page 9
Of course I love music! How I loved music! Bells, kettledrums, lutes, harps—No, get your mind away from Shakespeare and the Renaissance. Well, I did like other kinds of music, too: classical music, twangy, whiny country songs, sugary pop music—but maybe Harris wouldn't like those. I had to play it chill, causal.
"Yeah, music is pretty cool, I guess." I shrugged, looking away.
"You know, you're not like a lot of girls," Harris said in his raspy voice.
My head whipped back at once. I suppressed a smile, but inside I felt like I had just received a standing ovation for my performance. Thank you, thank you! I bowed on my brain's stage. I had gotten a boy to think I was unique! "Oh you know—I just go with my own flow." I grimaced.
"I like flow," Harris nodded. "It reminds me of a river."
Oh my gosh—he was so deep and poetic. How simple of a phrase and yet there was so much meaning, so much emotion! "Yeah," I nodded back, squinting my eyes, mirroring his.
"What do you like to do for fun?" He leaned closer to me, resting his arms on his thin, fitted, black pants.
At first I wanted to giggle in a high-pitched voice, but then I absorbed the question. Fun? What did I like to do for fun? What do you like to do for fun? My brain snapped. Read? Watch brain-numbing television? Eat food while lying on the couch? Chip away at the nail polish on my fingernails?
Wait, no—I had to think like Gwen.
Better yet, you should come up with a response that Harris would like. Yeah, yeah. Sounds good. "I like art, listening to indie bands, writing poetry . . ." None of that was completely false, other than the indie bands thing.
"Wow," Harris said, sounding stunned. Harris Roads actually sounded stunned?! Had I, Sarah, impressed him with my wit? My psychology expertise? My ability to morph into a new creature? "You sound really, really unique," he added, leaning back. Then he looked away.
Oh my goodness! Harris had just put an unnecessary double emphasis on the fact that I, Sarah Johnson, was unique! Gwen didn't have anything to do with the equation—I had lured him all by myself with my mind, my falsely exaggerated interests! However, a nagging voice inside of me started to worry: what if the combination of Gwen and my invented interests had drawn him in?
Shut up! Who are you, nagging little voice? I scolded. My mother? Common sense? Well, too bad. Out of my way; there is not enough room in this head for the both of us.
Harris was in love with me. Fact. He just didn't know it. But I could be whatever he wanted me to be.
But one second, my brain halted suddenly, what about all the other guys?
Oh no—not that spiral again!
When the bell for lunch rang, I tore out of the classroom like a starved cheetah; I was absolutely ravenous. I hadn't eaten anything all day, and now I felt like devouring a baby rhino. Okay, maybe not a baby rhino—an adult rhino! The one in the pack that nobody liked because he or she was mean.
Like a blur, I zoomed into the cafeteria with my sack lunch in my hand. I didn't care if it was a ham sandwich—I had to eat it now! But hang on . . . where was I going to sit? I couldn't sit with my old friends; they would ignore me. I couldn't invite myself to Brent and Clyde's table; that would be too awkward. Mark wasn't sitting at the trendy-girl table, and did I really want to get lost in a spell? Well, that didn't sound too bad. But no, I needed to think again. Ashley? Would she let me sit with her? Lauren and Emily? Was our blossoming relationship ready for that stage? That big of a commitment? Eh, they weren't so intimidating now.
Luckily, I spied Lauren and Emily's table not too far away. Would they think my bag lunch was disgusting? Who cares? I was famished, and I rushed toward them.
"Ew, I can't believe he would do that!" Emily said, combing her fingers through her straightened, brown hair.
"Oh I know, why would he?" Lauren said, opening her big eyes wide.
"Hey," I said approaching.
"Hey," they said, staring at me with sphinx-like expressions.
"So, can you believe that one guy in PE?" I said vaguely, leaving the door open for interpretation. It was the best I could think of on the spot.
"Ew, do you mean that TA?"
"You noticed him, too?" I said, sitting myself slowly, testing the waters. Why did this always feel awkward? Inserting yourself into a group, even if you were pretty or not—it never felt comfortable!
"Yeah, he kept staring at my bum," said Lauren.
"Ew, you don't have a bum!" said Emily.
"Emily!" Lauren shot back, opening her eyes even wider.
Oh, great—I could already tell this was going to be one of those long dullsville lunches. At least I was allowing myself to finally eat, though. Oh, this ham and bread were so delicious—better than anything I'd ever tasted! It was then that I noticed they were staring at me like I was a Tasmanian devil scarfing down a dead carcass. At any moment, Emily was going to say "Ew." And I thought I said "Ew" too often. Be cute, I reminded myself. At least I was eating, though—apparently, the girls had forgotten their lunches today. How sad, those skinny little—
No, no, Sarah. You are one of them now. You diss them, you diss your new self.
I swallowed the bite like a princess.
"But yeah, I can't believe Jas would do that!
"Ew, I know—that's so weird."
And I was back to being ignored. Maybe I should ask them a question. "So, have you girls read any good books lately?
"Ew, reading is so gross."
"Yeah, in English class our teacher is still making us read boring, stupid stuff like Shakespeare."
And . . . now I was ready to leave.
"Gwen, hey! There you are." My eyes looked up at once. Aye, 'tis Brent! My savior! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Brent is the sun. "You weren't at your other spot, so then I—are these your friends?"
My eyes shifted to Lauren and Emily. They were staring with wide, shocked smiles. They nodded at once.
"Uh, yep," I said, standing up. Okay, I was ready for my chariot to take me to the ball. Then, unexpectedly, Brent grabbed me and gave me a tight hug. Holy grilled cheese! I felt like I was melting against his body, dripping down his arms. It was so unexpected, so deliciously warm. He was so tall, even with my high heels on. He crushed me tighter against his body, which was somehow soft yet firm as a tree and smelled like a waft of pine. I could feel his heart beating in his chest. Never could I let this moment end. Never! I had to capture the feeling of every sense. Then, all too quickly, I was released and he was smiling like he'd won a million dollars. I, however, probably looked frazzled, like I'd been punched in the gut. His face dropped immediately.
"Uh, do you want, er, sit—with me?
My gaze flicked to Lauren and Emily. They looked like they had vicariously experienced my hug. Their eyes were half-closed, fluttering.
I nodded stupidly.
Like an old woman, Brent had to help me cross the lunchroom. He kept glancing down at me, probably wondering why I was wobbling like jelly. Maybe he was even worrying that he had crushed me too hard, broken a rib.
Just when I thought there would be no more surprises, Brent led me to an empty, rectangular table. He sat across from me and assessed my expression.
"I thought we could sit here today, instead." he said, "Are you hungry? Uh—I think we forgot your lunch. Here, let me get you something from the lunch line. I'll be right back."
He was getting me something from the lunch line? He was feeding me? And I was starving! This was the best present ever! If his hug hadn't exhausted me so, I would probably be weeping right now.
"Whoa, hey, Gwen—why are you sitting by yourself?"
My eyes dared to look up. Smiling at me was Clyde. Beautiful Clyde! Oh no, no, no, this was too much, too unrealistic! It was simply impossible that all of these gorgeous suitors were finding me and approaching me! What were the odds? And what were the odds that it was all the ones who I was head-over-heels attracted to?! Realistically, there should be a semi-cute guy saying, "Whoa, hey, what's your name?" But dessert, dessert, dessert? It was more than my sweet tooth could bear! I wanted to drop my head into my arms and bawl, convulsively shaking my shoulders—and this time I would look pretty doing it. However, instead of doing that, my body went on autopilot.
"Hey, how are you?" I said with a gulp. He was probably wondering why I was smiling too broadly and why my eyes were all glossy.
"Doin' good, feelin' pretty chill." He placed his strawberry milk on the table and stole Brent's seat. Why did I want to bite all my fingernails nervously and, at the same time, jump for joy and shake pom-poms in the air? "So how are you adjusting to a new school and everything?"
He cared? He really cared! He wanted to know how I was feeling? Unlike Lauren or Emily, he wanted to ask me about myself! Not only that, but it was CLYDE! Clyde, the absolute love of my life, the senior I had always crushed on, the senior who had taken up so much space in my journal entries. He wanted to know about me! He was interested in me!
"It's . . ." I bobbed my head anxiously like a moron, "going . . . good?"
"Well, that's good to hear. Well, this Friday, some of us are going to the woods at night to have a bonfire. You should come." He was inviting me to hang with him? Clyde? And a bonfire in the woods? Oh, how romantic! Together we would twirl around in the forest, roasting chestnuts over an open fire, singing songs and clapping our hands while little children would play banjos and fiddles, dancing, oh, dancing! "Uh . . . so what do you say?"
"Absolutely!" The words blurted from my mouth before I could even conceive the consequences of accepting such an invitation.
"Great," he said, and before I could even absorb what was happening, we were both exchanging numbers. Clyde was touching my phone, and I was touching his phone; it was such an emotionally bonding experience. His emerald eyes glittered back at me, and for a second I felt expensive, like a royal duchess receiving her dowry.
"Hey," said Brent's voice, but his tone didn't sound friendly and warm; it was almost dark.
Clyde and I both jumped up from our seats at once. Oh, no—I had been caught in the act, cheating with another man! What a despicable creature I was; in my weakness, I was caught returning another man's phone. Had I become a Jezabel, a temptress of old? Oh, the pain, the shame!
"Hey, man," said Clyde smoothly. "Hey, let me help you out there," he said, taking one tray from Brent's hand and placing it on the table. I felt like biting my nails again. "I was just telling Gwen about the bonfire on Friday."
"Oh yeah, you should come!" Brent said abruptly, sounding excited.
The next thing I knew, the two boys were talking excitedly with one another like they were best buddies! No shame? No embarrassment? No jealousy? Males were the most puzzling creatures ever. Just when you think you've got them all figured out, they throw you a curveball. And it didn't help that I sucked at baseball!
"Well, Gwen," Clyde said, turning to me, "I guess I'll see you around." And before I could have a panic attack, Clyde stepped toward me and wrapped his arms around me. Merciful heavens! Celestial light from on high! My body was tingling with this great light, but I couldn't even bring my arms up to embrace back. I was so utterly paralyzed, filled with cosmic explosions. Drums were playing, cymbals were crashing, fireworks were shooting off at a million miles per minute. My soul was lost in dreamland, wonderland, a world full of mysterious beauty. And then, just as quickly as it had started, it was over, and I immediately felt depleted of all emotions and all happiness. Clyde was already striding away, and I now felt like an empty shell.
"So, Gwen, I, er, got you some food."
My head whipped around at once. The fierce cheetah inside of me suddenly awakened, ready to give a feral growl and tear into its prey. My pupils dilated. On a green tray sat a slice of pizza, curly fries, apple juice, chicken nuggets, cookies, and lastly, a small salad in a plastic container.
"I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I—"
But I didn't hear the rest. With blinding speed, I had seated myself back down and was feasting on the delicious food! I wanted it all! The food felt so good going down my throat, entering my weak and grumbling stomach. The ambrosia before me was restoring my energy, extracting protein and sugar to supply my body with fuel! This was an equally emotional experience, the food was so good, and the hunter—how generous the hunter had been to provide this meal!
Don't cry! Don't cry! Just eat!
"It's good to see you have an appetite," Brent marveled. Little did he know that that comment had just earned him twenty points.
By the end of lunch, I was feeling pretty stuffed. Yes, I ate everything. Did I feel guilty? No, not really. This new body had a metabolism faster than a hummingbird's. And, surprisingly, I didn't feel embarrassed eating in front of Brent, either. He had practically cheered me on the whole time.
Oh, my soon-to-be eternal partner, how I love that you love feeding me.
I was now in the girls' bathroom washing my hands, and my brain felt better somehow. It didn't feel the need to obsess anymore. It was amazing what a few nutrients could do to improve your mental health. After washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and examined myself. Whoa. I really did look beautiful. Sometimes I almost forgot just how beautiful. In my mind, I vaguely remembered blonde hair and a perfect smile. But no, this face was literally flawless, not only flawless but gorgeous, cute, and elegant all at the same time. No wonder all the men were after this!
Exhaling, I grabbed a paper towel and wiped my hands. You know, one of the nicest things about this transformation—okay, there were too many—was that I didn't feel insecure about my body or my weight anymore. I was free to live life and admire myself every time I saw my reflection. Honestly, it was one of the best, most content feelings imaginable. If I hadn't already eaten, I would probably be sobbing right now, a crying wreck, collapsing on the floor, tears stinging my eyes and causing more tears. But no, I felt very healthy right now—despite all the junk food—and slowly, I just smiled.
9. ISN'T CHANGE SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD THING?
In math, my last class of the day, I was feeling drowsy and apathetic. Food comas were real, and I was on the brink of falling asleep. The warm sunlight streamed through our class window, coupled with the monotonous voice of Mrs. Andersen, was enough to put even a bullfrog into a slumberous snooze.
Suddenly my phone vibrated, jolting me awake. Not now, I wanted to say, but automatically, my hand reached into my pocket and I stared at the screen. Oh, joy. It was a text from my mom.
Mom: "Sarah, I'm leaving work early today to pick you up. Meet in the front of the school. Sorry for texting you in class. -Mom."
As if I didn't already know who the text from. Yawn. I didn't want to worry about it now. Just then, my phone buzzed again. What? Did she forget to end with a formal "Sincerely, Pam"? But, when I glanced at the phone again, the text wasn't from Mom; it was from Mark!
Mark: "Do I get the honor of driving you home today? There is a special waterfall I want to show you. Again, only if you feel comfortable."
At that, my eyes snapped open; I was suddenly feeling much more awake. How had I been tired before? A waterfall? I imagined. How dreamy. Mark was literally like a character from a romance novel. It was almost too much to handle! Secretly, or not so secretly, I loved it! But how could I be sure of his intentions? Well, so far Mark hadn't put me in any compromising situations. He had respectfully distanced himself when I'd asked him to. Would it be so bad to go?
It's just nature, I justified. I quickly began to text.
Me: "Hey Mom, you don't have to pick me up, a friend will drive me home."
And with the press of Send, I smiled and dreamed about rushing water and glistening streams.
When the final bell rang, I quickly ran to my locker and grabbed the presents inside. Now, I was absolutely positive the gifts were from Mark. I had to show him that they were special to me—even though the roses look kind of wilted. Like cradling a baby, I carried the flowers in one arm and held onto the gift basket's handle with the other hand. I was now ready to be bedazzled by the suave Latin prince.
I waited in the location Mark had spotted me last time, when suddenly I heard Latin-sounding music playing again. Goosebumps ran down my body. Come to me, I wanted to say, wanting to drop the gifts and beckon the car with two-finger waves. Not far away, I could see Mark's car slowing down toward me. It seemed so long since the last time I had seen him—it had only been that morning, but it seemed like an eternity! OMG. He looked so handsome and buff, one arm casually resting on the steering wheel. His white biceps looked humongous and oh so smooth. His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips pouty. It was too much to handle! Just then, to my horror, deathly horror, I saw my mother's car unknowingly cutting in front of him honking.
"Sweetie, I'm right here!" she smiled.
AGHHH! Horror! Disgraceful horror! Worse than any nightmare!
"Moth—Pam, didn't you get my text? I have a ride!" I hissed through the open car window, ready to cry with embarrassment. Mark was waiting with a confused expression on his face. Oh kill me now, Anubis, the Egyptian god of death—I was ready to be guided to the underworld.
"Your text?" My mom puzzled and reached into her purse and pulled out her phone. Fan-tastic—now she was stopping traffic. "Oh, I didn't. Who?" she said, casually looking behind herself. "With that boy? Oh no, no, no," she said quickly. "No, you're not going with him."
"Mom!" I stamped my foot, hissing again. "He's a really sweet guy!"
"Oh no, that car looks way too fast for you, young missy. Here, let me go talk to him," she said, unbuckling her seatbelt.
"No! No!" I practically shrieked. "Okay, I will ride home with you. Just let me tell him myself."
My mom nodded.
Someone, stab me in the heart now! I wanted to cry. This was too humiliating. And worse, cars were honking at the holdup.
Like a damsel in distress, a lot, a lot of distress, I ran to Mark's car. His window zoomed down.
"Sorry, but I can't go to the waterfall today. Maybe some other time would be great. See you at school tomorrow!" I said, almost choking on my own words. Mark's face twisted, but I didn't stay to hear his reply—I was already making a mad dash to my mom's car. I needed to get out of there—fast.
