Three Stepbrothers Save Christmas: O'Reilly Fight Club Book Four, page 11
“No one likes it when you cry”. He has told me that again and again over the years. So, I do everything in my power to stop. Even if that means I have to distract myself with something else.
I strip out of my clothes and turn on the shower, making sure the water is almost too hot to bear.
One.
I lean against the cold tiles as my legs go from underneath me, and my body shudders as the first sob leaves my chest.
“No one likes it when you cry,” so I never cry in front of anyone. I keep it all locked inside until something like this happens. Then, I do whatever I can to distract myself from the internal pain.
I crumble to the floor and bring my knees up to my chest as the first silent scream bursts from my chest. I see my wash bag in the corner beside me. My razor is right there on the top. I run a finger over my hip and feel the bumps of the scars. I look at the razor again through the tears I can’t let fall and grab it. I just want this pain to go away; if something else hurts, then it gives me something different to focus on, something that isn’t the abandonment of the father I love more than anyone else in this world.
20
Ryan
Shit.
I’m pacing outside her room and trying to decide if I should barge in and check on her or leave her in peace. I wish Travis were here; he would know what to do.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and ring him, but it goes straight to voicemail. When I try Ethans, it’s the same.
Fuck.
Mum knew what she was doing when she sent them there this morning. There’s never any signal in that bloody storage unit or the surrounding area. I check the time and realise they left three hours ago. Thankfully, they managed to sneak out at four, as none of us could sleep. We knew Mum and Henry were hiding something; I just never guessed it would be Henry abandoning his daughter again.
Poor Verity has been so happy to have her dad home. The change in her last night was unmissable; it’s just a shame Henry has no respect for his daughter or even truly cares about her. Well, if that’s the case, I have no issue with looking out for her from now on. I’m going to come clean to the guys and tell them I’m starting a relationship with her. If they want to share her, I’m happy to do that, but it’s us and no one else.
I’m not a fool; I know they care for her just as much as I do. Until yesterday with Ethan, I would have never even considered sharing her with anyone. But there was something about the way the three of us came together. It felt so natural and so right. I couldn’t help but wonder how it would be if Travis were to join in, too, not just as a four-way but in a relationship overall.
I stop in my tracks and hear a sound coming from her room. Is she crying in there?
Fuck this.
I charge in, not even bothering to knock.
“Little Kitten,” I call out, but all I can hear is the sound of the shower in the bathroom. I know I shouldn’t go in there, but when I hear her, and I’m unsure if she’s crying or not, I rush into the closed room.
At first, I can’t see through the thick steam. It’s fogging up the mirrors and filling the space. I turn to where I know the shower is, and that’s when I see her leaning against the wall, with her head resting on her knees.
Walking into the shower, I sit, pulling her into my arms. At first, she fights me but then just stays stiff.
“I’m here, Little Kitten. I’m right here. If you want to cry, you cry. I’m here for you when you are ready.”
Verity looks up at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen.
“Why am I not enough for him?”
She goes back to looking down at the floor as if unable to let anyone see the pain she’s in. My jaw clenches with anger at the man who has the nerve to call himself her father. No man should ever make their child feel like this. They should bend over backwards to prove that they are worth everything in the world and that there is nothing they wouldn’t do for them. Not chastise them for showing any form of emotions. I heard what he said about no one wants to see her cry. Well, fuck him! I will watch her cry for as long as she needs if it means she can start to heal.
I don’t know how long I hold her or how long she leans against me silently, but as we sit in that shower, I know her heart is breaking silently. I hear my phone ringing from the bedroom, where I threw it to the side when I walked in. It will be my brothers, and they will be furious at me for not answering. But tough shit. Verity needs me more than anyone else right now.
She moves slightly in my arms, and I hear the sound of something hitting the shower floor. I look down, expecting to see a ring or bracelet that’s come loose. But instead, I see a blade from a razor. I jump back from her and grab her hands, frantically searching her wrists, but there is nothing on them.
“What were you going to do with that?” I ask as she stares at the blade on the floor and doesn’t say a word.
“I don’t care how bad things get; you never, ever do something like that. Do you hear me, Verity?” I demand, grabbing her face and making sure she can see how serious I am. “I know you are hurting, and it feels like nothing will ever get better, but it will. I’m going to make sure of it. Things are going to change around here. But you have to promise me you will never consider a way out again. Promise me, Verity.”
“I wasn’t going to kill myself,” she whispers as her whole body starts to shake, and I see her placing a hand on her thigh. I pull her hand away to see blood on it. I had been so worried about her and holding her I hadn’t even noticed she was bleeding. I grab a towel from the floor and place one arm under her legs and another around her back.
“Put your arms around my neck.”
She does as she’s told, and I lift her from the floor before placing her on the closed toilet. I place the towel on the side of her right thigh and see there is only a small amount of blood on it. When I look at the cut, it’s only tiny, but there are a couple of them. They look like scratches, but I have a feeling it’s not the first time she has done this. Now I’m paying attention; I can see lots of small scars all over her hip and thigh. They are easy to miss if you don’t know they are there. But once you see one, you see them all.
“How long have you been doing this?” I ask softly as I look into her sad eyes. She doesn’t say anything; instead, she looks away as her face loses all emotion. It’s like she has switched off, and nothing will get through to her. I stand back up and press a kiss to her head as I do. Wrapping the towel around her, I lift her back in my arms. Giving her short, quick instructions, planning on getting her into bed where I can keep an eye on her.
Back in her room, I help her into a clean pair of pyjamas and brush her long blonde hair before helping her into bed. She instantly rolls to the side, facing away from me. Running a hand over her head, I sit on the edge of the bed to watch over her and ensure she doesn’t do anything else to cause herself harm.
“Whenever you are ready to talk, I am here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
Verity doesn’t show any sign of hearing me, but I keep one hand on her side as I unlock my phone with the other and message Ethan and Travis.
Ryan: You need to get back now. They left, and Verity’s had a breakdown. I found her self-harming. Hurry up, I’m not leaving her side; we are in her room.
21
Travis
“Why the fuck isn’t he answering?” Ethan yells beside me as I zig-zag through the traffic. My fucking phone has been out of signal most of the morning, so we are only now receiving Ryan’s messages.
“He’s probably focusing on Verity.” I find a gap in the traffic and put my foot down.
“I can’t believe they’ve left already!” Ethan growls as my jaw clenches further. They call themselves parents. Well, I’m fucking done with them both. I’m going to take Verity away from there and make sure no one ever hurts her again. My sweet girl does not deserve this. I’ve been on the fencepost about whether I should act on my feelings or not; well, now I am. This has been the final straw, and I’ll do all I can to ensure my girl is safe and knows she is loved.
What Jason said last night about me being her protector keeps going through my mind. I’m not there protecting her now, and I’ve failed her before we’ve even begun. Well, I’m never failing her again.
“I can,” I snap through gritted teeth. “They knew we would try to stop them or give them a hard time, which is why we were sent on this stupid errand. Verity is a pushover when it comes to her father, and he knows it. He has moulded her that way. He has brought her up to be the perfect little girl who never says no and wants to please. She’ll do anything he says to get his praise and attention.” I glance at my brother, whose face is red with rage. “Why do you think they never told us they were back last week?” I ask, looking back at the road.
“They’ve been back a week!”
I nod as I take the turning that leads us back to the house.
“Yep, I did some digging last night and noticed Mum’s been making payments on her card in the UK. I was going to confront her this afternoon for confirmation before telling you all.” I turn onto the last road to the house before continuing. “I want to know why they think it acceptable to be in the country and not even tell their children. I don’t give a shit, but Verity would have wanted to see Henry, and they know it.”
“Fucking arsehole,” he hisses through his teeth. I nod as the house finally comes into view, and my heart races to get there. I’m terrified of what I’m going to find. But whatever it is, we will all face it together and give Verity all the love and support she needs.
Screeching to a stop in front of the house. Ethan is out of the car before I’ve even turned the engine off. By the time I’m out of the car, he has the front door open.
We rush for the stairs, taking them three at a time, knowing they are in her room.
“No matter what, keep your cool,” I warn quietly as we reach her door.
Ethan nods once as we enter the room.
There, sitting on the bed, is Ryan, next to Verity, who is curled up in the fetal position with her back to him. Ryan places a finger over his lips and stands. When he approaches, I expect him to say she is sleeping.
“Ethan, can you sit with her? She won’t talk or move; she’s shut right down,” he whispers.
“What the fuck happened?” Ethan demands in a harsh whisper.
“I’ll tell you everything; just sit with her while I talk to Trav. I’ve promised we won’t leave her for a moment, so I can only talk to one of you at a time.”
Ethan looks between the two of us, and for a moment, I think he’s going to argue, but then he looks back to Verity, and his face softens as he nods. He walks over and sits on the bed, placing a hand on Verity’s leg. She doesn’t so much as flinch.
“Hey, Baby Girl, how you doing?” he whispers, looking around her, but she doesn’t move or reply. I can’t see her face, but imagine she’s just staring at a wall.
Ryan looks at me and nods towards the hallway. I follow him out and quietly close the door behind us.
“Let’s go to your room,” he whispers, but I shake my head when I point at his clothes.
“You need to change.”
Ryan looks down as if realising his clothes are soaked for the first time. I hear him curse under his breath before nodding and heading to his room.
As soon as we enter, he closes the door behind us and rubs his face.
“Fuck Trav, I have no idea how the hell we’re going to pull her out of this one. She’s beyond broken,” he sighs quietly, rubbing at his face.
“Tell me what happened whilst you get changed, and we will work something out.”
Ryan looks up, nods once and pulls his wet t-shirt off.
“As soon as you left, Mum came out of her room and made a cup of coffee. She asked why I was up, and I said I was going for a run before my Zoom meeting. I didn’t think much of it; I thought it was maybe jetlag or something, which was why she was awake so early. But when I returned from my short run half an hour later, I could hear her and Henry talking.
“They were whispering about whether they could get away before Verity was awake. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to call you, but your phone was off. Mum caught me on the landing, and I tried to speak to her, but she kept saying she wasn’t talking to me until I had showered as I was sweaty. You know what she’s like, so I rushed and had the quickest shower.” Ryan walks over to his wardrobe, pulls out some clean jeans and a fresh t-shirt, and proceeds to get changed.
“By the time I came out of my room, it was half six, and I found Verity rushing up the stairs towards her father’s room. I tried to warn her, but she wouldn’t listen; she was so excited about seeing him, nothing else mattered.” Ryan stops talking while he pulls his new dry t-shirt over his head. When he turns his attention back to me he looks like he doesn’t know whether to be angry or sad.
“Travis, the change in her when she came out of that room was unreal. She walked in there with a spring in her step and more energy than I have seen from her in months. But when she walked out behind her father, her head was down as she followed him like a well-trained lapdog. There wasn’t any sign of the Verity who went in there.” Ryan rubs his face briefly, and I see he’s fighting his anger.
“From them coming out of the room to Mum and him leaving, it must have been five minutes tops. They really couldn’t get away quick enough. I tried to speak to her to see how she was, but Henry kept her attention purely on him. Every time she looked like she was close to tears, he would whisper something to her, and she would blink them back and show that fake as fuck smile. I wanted to kill him there and then, but I also wanted to stay focused on Verity, as I knew she would need me when they finally left.”
“Do you have any idea what he was saying to her?” I ask as Ryan nods.
“He wasn’t so quiet the last time as he was near his car. He told her not to cry because no one wanted to see that. I think once I heard him say something like, “Stop with the tantrum.” Ryan looks up at me with his jaw clenched. “She couldn’t have been further from a tantrum if she tried. She should have been throwing one. I wanted to throw one for her, but she just nodded and kept her head bowed and hands clasped in front of her.”
“So, what happened when they left?”
Ryan proceeded to tell me how Verity had shut down and wouldn’t even look at him. When he tells me about pacing outside the door, I try to put his mind at ease by confirming I would have done the same thing. There was no win in that situation; Verity had every right to privacy as she cried; she probably did need the space, as any normal person would. When your heart is broken, the last thing you want is people fussing around you.
“When I heard that sound from her room, I couldn’t hold back anymore, and I went in.” Ryan sits on the edge of his bed and places his head in his hands.
“She was beyond broken, Trav. She was sitting on the shower floor, the water pouring down on her; it was so hot that the steam was hard to see. The water must have been burning her. I sat out of the initial spray and still felt the heat in the steam. She didn’t want to be held at first, but she quickly seemed to change her mind as she melted in my arms and shut herself down.” Ryan sits in silence for a moment, and I let him. As much as I want to get back to Verity and hold her, he needs a moment to compose himself, and I need to know more to help her.
When Ryan looks up at me, there is no hiding his pain.
“I was so busy holding her that I missed the signs of the cutting. I failed her so badly. I should have noticed something.” He places his head back in his hands, and a moan leaves him.
I walk over and place a hand on his shoulder as they shake. I’ve only ever seen him like this once before; he’s struggling with the anger he feels not only for Verity’s father and our own Mother. But he’s also struggling with the anger he feels at missing how much she was hurting. He’s blaming himself for her pain.
“You didn’t fail her. You were there and occupied by ensuring she knew she wasn’t alone. You were doing the right thing,” I point out, hoping to reassure him.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” he replies before looking back at me. “I didn’t notice anything was amiss until I heard the blade hit the tile floor. I thought she had been about to kill herself, Trav. I thought she had been pushed to the point of no return. It never even dawned on me that she was self-harming, not until she told me and I saw the blood on her hip.”
She knew what she was doing. She’s a dancer; her legs and arms are on display for people to see all the time. But her hips are usually covered by her leotard or skirt. No one would know unless they were looking for signs.
“How bad was it?” I ask.
“Not as bad as it could have been. That’s when I carried her out of the shower and checked her over. It wasn’t the first time. Once I knew what to look for, I saw all the tiny little scars. They are all small cuts, easy to miss. She has cut open a few more than once, so they stand out slightly more than the others, but not enough to catch your attention.” Ryan runs his hand through his hair and sighs. “I asked her how long it had been going on, but that was when she shut down. She hasn’t spoken since in the shower and won’t respond to touch. She let me get her dried and changed, but as soon as she was on that bed, she turned away from me and hasn’t moved, spoken or anything. It’s like she has entered a state of shock.”
“That’s exactly what she’s done. It’s all become too much, and she’s shut down to protect herself.” I rub my face and try to work out what to do next. I know what I want to do, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do or not. I need advice, and the only person I can think to give it to me is the one person I swore I would never look to again.
“Compose yourself, then go back into the room and sit with her and Ethan. I need to make a call.” I turn around and walk out of the room, pulling my phone out of my pocket, praying I haven’t deleted their number. When I find it in my contacts, I let out a sigh of relief.
Walking into my room and closing the door for some privacy, I realise this may be the hardest call I’ve ever had to make.
I strip out of my clothes and turn on the shower, making sure the water is almost too hot to bear.
One.
I lean against the cold tiles as my legs go from underneath me, and my body shudders as the first sob leaves my chest.
“No one likes it when you cry,” so I never cry in front of anyone. I keep it all locked inside until something like this happens. Then, I do whatever I can to distract myself from the internal pain.
I crumble to the floor and bring my knees up to my chest as the first silent scream bursts from my chest. I see my wash bag in the corner beside me. My razor is right there on the top. I run a finger over my hip and feel the bumps of the scars. I look at the razor again through the tears I can’t let fall and grab it. I just want this pain to go away; if something else hurts, then it gives me something different to focus on, something that isn’t the abandonment of the father I love more than anyone else in this world.
20
Ryan
Shit.
I’m pacing outside her room and trying to decide if I should barge in and check on her or leave her in peace. I wish Travis were here; he would know what to do.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and ring him, but it goes straight to voicemail. When I try Ethans, it’s the same.
Fuck.
Mum knew what she was doing when she sent them there this morning. There’s never any signal in that bloody storage unit or the surrounding area. I check the time and realise they left three hours ago. Thankfully, they managed to sneak out at four, as none of us could sleep. We knew Mum and Henry were hiding something; I just never guessed it would be Henry abandoning his daughter again.
Poor Verity has been so happy to have her dad home. The change in her last night was unmissable; it’s just a shame Henry has no respect for his daughter or even truly cares about her. Well, if that’s the case, I have no issue with looking out for her from now on. I’m going to come clean to the guys and tell them I’m starting a relationship with her. If they want to share her, I’m happy to do that, but it’s us and no one else.
I’m not a fool; I know they care for her just as much as I do. Until yesterday with Ethan, I would have never even considered sharing her with anyone. But there was something about the way the three of us came together. It felt so natural and so right. I couldn’t help but wonder how it would be if Travis were to join in, too, not just as a four-way but in a relationship overall.
I stop in my tracks and hear a sound coming from her room. Is she crying in there?
Fuck this.
I charge in, not even bothering to knock.
“Little Kitten,” I call out, but all I can hear is the sound of the shower in the bathroom. I know I shouldn’t go in there, but when I hear her, and I’m unsure if she’s crying or not, I rush into the closed room.
At first, I can’t see through the thick steam. It’s fogging up the mirrors and filling the space. I turn to where I know the shower is, and that’s when I see her leaning against the wall, with her head resting on her knees.
Walking into the shower, I sit, pulling her into my arms. At first, she fights me but then just stays stiff.
“I’m here, Little Kitten. I’m right here. If you want to cry, you cry. I’m here for you when you are ready.”
Verity looks up at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen.
“Why am I not enough for him?”
She goes back to looking down at the floor as if unable to let anyone see the pain she’s in. My jaw clenches with anger at the man who has the nerve to call himself her father. No man should ever make their child feel like this. They should bend over backwards to prove that they are worth everything in the world and that there is nothing they wouldn’t do for them. Not chastise them for showing any form of emotions. I heard what he said about no one wants to see her cry. Well, fuck him! I will watch her cry for as long as she needs if it means she can start to heal.
I don’t know how long I hold her or how long she leans against me silently, but as we sit in that shower, I know her heart is breaking silently. I hear my phone ringing from the bedroom, where I threw it to the side when I walked in. It will be my brothers, and they will be furious at me for not answering. But tough shit. Verity needs me more than anyone else right now.
She moves slightly in my arms, and I hear the sound of something hitting the shower floor. I look down, expecting to see a ring or bracelet that’s come loose. But instead, I see a blade from a razor. I jump back from her and grab her hands, frantically searching her wrists, but there is nothing on them.
“What were you going to do with that?” I ask as she stares at the blade on the floor and doesn’t say a word.
“I don’t care how bad things get; you never, ever do something like that. Do you hear me, Verity?” I demand, grabbing her face and making sure she can see how serious I am. “I know you are hurting, and it feels like nothing will ever get better, but it will. I’m going to make sure of it. Things are going to change around here. But you have to promise me you will never consider a way out again. Promise me, Verity.”
“I wasn’t going to kill myself,” she whispers as her whole body starts to shake, and I see her placing a hand on her thigh. I pull her hand away to see blood on it. I had been so worried about her and holding her I hadn’t even noticed she was bleeding. I grab a towel from the floor and place one arm under her legs and another around her back.
“Put your arms around my neck.”
She does as she’s told, and I lift her from the floor before placing her on the closed toilet. I place the towel on the side of her right thigh and see there is only a small amount of blood on it. When I look at the cut, it’s only tiny, but there are a couple of them. They look like scratches, but I have a feeling it’s not the first time she has done this. Now I’m paying attention; I can see lots of small scars all over her hip and thigh. They are easy to miss if you don’t know they are there. But once you see one, you see them all.
“How long have you been doing this?” I ask softly as I look into her sad eyes. She doesn’t say anything; instead, she looks away as her face loses all emotion. It’s like she has switched off, and nothing will get through to her. I stand back up and press a kiss to her head as I do. Wrapping the towel around her, I lift her back in my arms. Giving her short, quick instructions, planning on getting her into bed where I can keep an eye on her.
Back in her room, I help her into a clean pair of pyjamas and brush her long blonde hair before helping her into bed. She instantly rolls to the side, facing away from me. Running a hand over her head, I sit on the edge of the bed to watch over her and ensure she doesn’t do anything else to cause herself harm.
“Whenever you are ready to talk, I am here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
Verity doesn’t show any sign of hearing me, but I keep one hand on her side as I unlock my phone with the other and message Ethan and Travis.
Ryan: You need to get back now. They left, and Verity’s had a breakdown. I found her self-harming. Hurry up, I’m not leaving her side; we are in her room.
21
Travis
“Why the fuck isn’t he answering?” Ethan yells beside me as I zig-zag through the traffic. My fucking phone has been out of signal most of the morning, so we are only now receiving Ryan’s messages.
“He’s probably focusing on Verity.” I find a gap in the traffic and put my foot down.
“I can’t believe they’ve left already!” Ethan growls as my jaw clenches further. They call themselves parents. Well, I’m fucking done with them both. I’m going to take Verity away from there and make sure no one ever hurts her again. My sweet girl does not deserve this. I’ve been on the fencepost about whether I should act on my feelings or not; well, now I am. This has been the final straw, and I’ll do all I can to ensure my girl is safe and knows she is loved.
What Jason said last night about me being her protector keeps going through my mind. I’m not there protecting her now, and I’ve failed her before we’ve even begun. Well, I’m never failing her again.
“I can,” I snap through gritted teeth. “They knew we would try to stop them or give them a hard time, which is why we were sent on this stupid errand. Verity is a pushover when it comes to her father, and he knows it. He has moulded her that way. He has brought her up to be the perfect little girl who never says no and wants to please. She’ll do anything he says to get his praise and attention.” I glance at my brother, whose face is red with rage. “Why do you think they never told us they were back last week?” I ask, looking back at the road.
“They’ve been back a week!”
I nod as I take the turning that leads us back to the house.
“Yep, I did some digging last night and noticed Mum’s been making payments on her card in the UK. I was going to confront her this afternoon for confirmation before telling you all.” I turn onto the last road to the house before continuing. “I want to know why they think it acceptable to be in the country and not even tell their children. I don’t give a shit, but Verity would have wanted to see Henry, and they know it.”
“Fucking arsehole,” he hisses through his teeth. I nod as the house finally comes into view, and my heart races to get there. I’m terrified of what I’m going to find. But whatever it is, we will all face it together and give Verity all the love and support she needs.
Screeching to a stop in front of the house. Ethan is out of the car before I’ve even turned the engine off. By the time I’m out of the car, he has the front door open.
We rush for the stairs, taking them three at a time, knowing they are in her room.
“No matter what, keep your cool,” I warn quietly as we reach her door.
Ethan nods once as we enter the room.
There, sitting on the bed, is Ryan, next to Verity, who is curled up in the fetal position with her back to him. Ryan places a finger over his lips and stands. When he approaches, I expect him to say she is sleeping.
“Ethan, can you sit with her? She won’t talk or move; she’s shut right down,” he whispers.
“What the fuck happened?” Ethan demands in a harsh whisper.
“I’ll tell you everything; just sit with her while I talk to Trav. I’ve promised we won’t leave her for a moment, so I can only talk to one of you at a time.”
Ethan looks between the two of us, and for a moment, I think he’s going to argue, but then he looks back to Verity, and his face softens as he nods. He walks over and sits on the bed, placing a hand on Verity’s leg. She doesn’t so much as flinch.
“Hey, Baby Girl, how you doing?” he whispers, looking around her, but she doesn’t move or reply. I can’t see her face, but imagine she’s just staring at a wall.
Ryan looks at me and nods towards the hallway. I follow him out and quietly close the door behind us.
“Let’s go to your room,” he whispers, but I shake my head when I point at his clothes.
“You need to change.”
Ryan looks down as if realising his clothes are soaked for the first time. I hear him curse under his breath before nodding and heading to his room.
As soon as we enter, he closes the door behind us and rubs his face.
“Fuck Trav, I have no idea how the hell we’re going to pull her out of this one. She’s beyond broken,” he sighs quietly, rubbing at his face.
“Tell me what happened whilst you get changed, and we will work something out.”
Ryan looks up, nods once and pulls his wet t-shirt off.
“As soon as you left, Mum came out of her room and made a cup of coffee. She asked why I was up, and I said I was going for a run before my Zoom meeting. I didn’t think much of it; I thought it was maybe jetlag or something, which was why she was awake so early. But when I returned from my short run half an hour later, I could hear her and Henry talking.
“They were whispering about whether they could get away before Verity was awake. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to call you, but your phone was off. Mum caught me on the landing, and I tried to speak to her, but she kept saying she wasn’t talking to me until I had showered as I was sweaty. You know what she’s like, so I rushed and had the quickest shower.” Ryan walks over to his wardrobe, pulls out some clean jeans and a fresh t-shirt, and proceeds to get changed.
“By the time I came out of my room, it was half six, and I found Verity rushing up the stairs towards her father’s room. I tried to warn her, but she wouldn’t listen; she was so excited about seeing him, nothing else mattered.” Ryan stops talking while he pulls his new dry t-shirt over his head. When he turns his attention back to me he looks like he doesn’t know whether to be angry or sad.
“Travis, the change in her when she came out of that room was unreal. She walked in there with a spring in her step and more energy than I have seen from her in months. But when she walked out behind her father, her head was down as she followed him like a well-trained lapdog. There wasn’t any sign of the Verity who went in there.” Ryan rubs his face briefly, and I see he’s fighting his anger.
“From them coming out of the room to Mum and him leaving, it must have been five minutes tops. They really couldn’t get away quick enough. I tried to speak to her to see how she was, but Henry kept her attention purely on him. Every time she looked like she was close to tears, he would whisper something to her, and she would blink them back and show that fake as fuck smile. I wanted to kill him there and then, but I also wanted to stay focused on Verity, as I knew she would need me when they finally left.”
“Do you have any idea what he was saying to her?” I ask as Ryan nods.
“He wasn’t so quiet the last time as he was near his car. He told her not to cry because no one wanted to see that. I think once I heard him say something like, “Stop with the tantrum.” Ryan looks up at me with his jaw clenched. “She couldn’t have been further from a tantrum if she tried. She should have been throwing one. I wanted to throw one for her, but she just nodded and kept her head bowed and hands clasped in front of her.”
“So, what happened when they left?”
Ryan proceeded to tell me how Verity had shut down and wouldn’t even look at him. When he tells me about pacing outside the door, I try to put his mind at ease by confirming I would have done the same thing. There was no win in that situation; Verity had every right to privacy as she cried; she probably did need the space, as any normal person would. When your heart is broken, the last thing you want is people fussing around you.
“When I heard that sound from her room, I couldn’t hold back anymore, and I went in.” Ryan sits on the edge of his bed and places his head in his hands.
“She was beyond broken, Trav. She was sitting on the shower floor, the water pouring down on her; it was so hot that the steam was hard to see. The water must have been burning her. I sat out of the initial spray and still felt the heat in the steam. She didn’t want to be held at first, but she quickly seemed to change her mind as she melted in my arms and shut herself down.” Ryan sits in silence for a moment, and I let him. As much as I want to get back to Verity and hold her, he needs a moment to compose himself, and I need to know more to help her.
When Ryan looks up at me, there is no hiding his pain.
“I was so busy holding her that I missed the signs of the cutting. I failed her so badly. I should have noticed something.” He places his head back in his hands, and a moan leaves him.
I walk over and place a hand on his shoulder as they shake. I’ve only ever seen him like this once before; he’s struggling with the anger he feels not only for Verity’s father and our own Mother. But he’s also struggling with the anger he feels at missing how much she was hurting. He’s blaming himself for her pain.
“You didn’t fail her. You were there and occupied by ensuring she knew she wasn’t alone. You were doing the right thing,” I point out, hoping to reassure him.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” he replies before looking back at me. “I didn’t notice anything was amiss until I heard the blade hit the tile floor. I thought she had been about to kill herself, Trav. I thought she had been pushed to the point of no return. It never even dawned on me that she was self-harming, not until she told me and I saw the blood on her hip.”
She knew what she was doing. She’s a dancer; her legs and arms are on display for people to see all the time. But her hips are usually covered by her leotard or skirt. No one would know unless they were looking for signs.
“How bad was it?” I ask.
“Not as bad as it could have been. That’s when I carried her out of the shower and checked her over. It wasn’t the first time. Once I knew what to look for, I saw all the tiny little scars. They are all small cuts, easy to miss. She has cut open a few more than once, so they stand out slightly more than the others, but not enough to catch your attention.” Ryan runs his hand through his hair and sighs. “I asked her how long it had been going on, but that was when she shut down. She hasn’t spoken since in the shower and won’t respond to touch. She let me get her dried and changed, but as soon as she was on that bed, she turned away from me and hasn’t moved, spoken or anything. It’s like she has entered a state of shock.”
“That’s exactly what she’s done. It’s all become too much, and she’s shut down to protect herself.” I rub my face and try to work out what to do next. I know what I want to do, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do or not. I need advice, and the only person I can think to give it to me is the one person I swore I would never look to again.
“Compose yourself, then go back into the room and sit with her and Ethan. I need to make a call.” I turn around and walk out of the room, pulling my phone out of my pocket, praying I haven’t deleted their number. When I find it in my contacts, I let out a sigh of relief.
Walking into my room and closing the door for some privacy, I realise this may be the hardest call I’ve ever had to make.
