Romantic Comedy, page 16
Btw it’s an awesome flex that when I ask if you’ve ever been to Missouri, you can casually be like, Oh sure when I played in that stadium that holds 18,000 people. You might be appalled to hear I have never been to a show at Sprint Center (which was recently renamed T-Mobile Center), though if this is a good excuse, it wasn’t built until after I’d graduated from college. Do you LIKE performing in stadiums? Is it stressful? Fun?
I really am sorry that your parents aren’t supportive of what you do, and I imagine that that would be hard and very hurtful. I’m glad you’re close to your sister—I remember meeting her and thinking she seemed nice. Regarding my parents, my dad was a pathologist (aka the people who look at biopsies, etc.), and also a depressive person who self-medicated (literally) through the inadvisable and illegal method of writing himself prescriptions for morphine. He and my mom, who worked in merchandising for Hallmark (yes, the maker of greeting cards and cheesy Christmas movies, though only the greeting card division is headquartered in KC) separated when I was a toddler. I have no memories of us all living together, though I do remember that when my dad came to get me for Saturday lunches, he almost always wore khaki pants and navy blue polo shirts, with a gray sweatshirt over them if it was winter. We usually got hamburgers. Even though from an early age I found hamburgers to be a disgusting bumpy circle of meat, I intuitively understood that I shouldn’t express my disgust to him because it would be rude. That is, I understood I should be polite as you would with a family friend, as opposed to more blunt, as most kids would be with a parent.
When I was in second grade, on November 3, 1989, my mom picked me up early from school and took me to a park where we had never been and told me my dad had died from taking too much medicine. I assume the location was a strategic decision so that she didn’t ruin a more familiar place, including our house. She told me that we’d never know if he’d taken too much medicine by mistake or on purpose but that really there wasn’t much of a difference because even if he’d taken too much on purpose, it had been because he’d believed more medicine would make him feel better. I actually think this was a profound lesson about how with incomplete information, we choose our narrative. I also think my mom believed he did it on purpose, because before I left for college, she told me that no matter how bad I ever felt, the one thing I shouldn’t do was kill myself. She said that ideas that seem right in the moment can seem wrong later, and that a lot of things are reversible but killing yourself isn’t. She said this matter-of-factly, not unlike the way she used to say that you don’t brush your teeth because it’s interesting, you brush your teeth because you need to brush your teeth (as a kid, I complained that brushing my teeth was “boring”).
I suspect that my dad’s demons are part of what drew my mother to Jerry’s stability and reliability. But from the time I was young, there was this category of things my mother would refer to as Mommy-Sally secrets, like eating leftover cake for breakfast, or both of us taking a sick day and having a picnic just because the weather was beautiful, or, even though she didn’t curse in front of Jerry, if just she and I were in the car and she thought another driver was being unsafe, she’d say in a quiet but crisp voice, “What a fucking asshole.” She conveyed to me without ever saying it outright that we all have public and private selves, which also was a very important lesson. Oddly, this ties into why I’ve been thinking I should leave TNO. With every passing year, I can feel how the writers coming up behind me are increasingly different from me. This, to be honest, is anxiety-inducing but also refreshing and appropriate and cycle-of-lifey—like, maybe it’s time for me to make way for other people. And one of the ways that the writers in their twenties are different is that they DON’T seem to think we all have public and private selves. They’re fine just having public selves and openly discussing their mental health issues and their medical issues and their sex habits and their family trauma. I find it really nice to be able to talk to you about all this stuff (or, so far, some of it), but I wouldn’t talk about it with most people. Would you?
Regarding my relationship with alcohol, in normal life, I have a drink or two at the TNO after-party, and I don’t drink much otherwise—maybe a glass of wine if I’m meeting Viv for dinner, but after she got pregnant, when she didn’t order one, I didn’t either. The one time besides the TNO party when I always have a drink is on a first date, to calm my nerves. So I guess the truth is that I do use it as a crutch, just not very often (oops, did I just reveal I don’t go on first dates very often? By choice!). But it seems very understandable that you wonder about other people’s drinking habits.
You actually are not my first pen pal. You’re probably my best one, though, or at least this little diversion we have going is very enjoyable. Do you think it’s beautiful when two people are each other’s firsts, or do you think that inevitably creates awkwardness and it’s better when one is more experienced and can guide the other?
from: Noah Brewster
to: Sally Milz
date: Jul 24, 2020, 3:01 PM
subject: Actually
I’m “probably” your best pen pal? In “this little diversion we have going”? You’re breaking my heart here! Only kidding, but who are all these other pen pals that I probably compare favorably to? Are they current or past? Do I need to find them and challenge them to a duel?
In all seriousness, I am honored you’ve been enjoying my music. I might also sound like a cringey fangirl when I tell you that I think I have watched all your sketches. And this also happened in the past, right after I hosted TNO. I’m assuming you know it’s hard to figure out which sketches you wrote because it doesn’t say in the show credits so I had to venture into some deep dark superfan caverns. Now, just for the record, this does not mean I buy into the idea you refer to where I am a celebrity recognized far and wide and you are an unknown. You for sure have fans, even if you aren’t recognized in the grocery store (except by Vinny Kaplan, who I am sure noticed you, knew you were pretending not to see him, and felt devastated). But I know you are a star in the comedy world. Also, plenty of people don’t know or care who I am, and frequently when a stranger comes up to me in a restaurant (in normal times), I think they are about to say “I love your music” and what they say is “You look so familiar…are you my dentist?” But my point is that your sketches are really funny. Although it’s hard to choose, the ones that made me laugh the most are the one about how women supposedly don’t fart, the one about the ICE agents celebrating Thanksgiving, and the 1950s ads for housewives. I respect that you are not afraid to be dark or to acknowledge the awkwardness of life instead of glossing over it like we are all trained to do. Impressive to think your entire career is built on Mad Libs!
Thank you for the kind things you wrote about my parents. It took me a while to get here, but I try not to take their judgment personally. I’m grateful that I’ve had a much wider range of experiences and met many more people than they have. Also, it’s not quite fair of me to claim they’re completely unsupportive. Years ago…and warning, big namedrop ahead…I was part of presenting Mick Jagger with an award before joining the band onstage to play You Can’t Always Get What You Want, and I invited my parents because my dad had been a huge Stones fan. Although they couldn’t attend, I could tell he was impressed. Unlike my mom, my dad has some kindness inside him that he has trouble expressing (he doesn’t talk very much overall) whereas my mom shamelessly takes digs at people, including people she gave birth to. I am really sorry about your biological father, but I’m glad to hear you had such a wonderful relationship with your mom. It seems like you have inherited a lot of her warmth and humor, and I bet she really loved having you as a daughter.
Do I like performing in stadiums and is it stressful? These are great questions. As you know from TNO, there is nothing else like the magic of a crowd feeling a collective and ephemeral joy, and in those moments, when I am onstage looking out at so many faces, I feel like a vessel in a way that’s an incredible privilege. For sure, touring can get repetitive…the hotels and transportation but also the performing. Yet I know that for anyone in the audience, it might be a big night out for them, the tickets were not cheap, maybe they hired a babysitter and paid for parking. So my job is to bring as much energy in Omaha as at the Hollywood Bowl.
At this point, I don’t usually feel stressed by shows. There are pros and cons to having “hit it big” early, and one that might be both is that by now, even as I recognize how much my career is a product of luck, it’s the only life I know professionally speaking. Looking back, I was in serious danger of flaming out almost as soon as I got started. After my first and second albums came out back to back, I was drinking a lot, acting like a jackass in my early 20s, and generally letting success go to my head. In October 2003, there was a horrible accident in Miami where my drummer, whose name was Christopher and who was the sweetest guy, fell off a drawbridge over Biscayne Bay. This was a huge wake-up call, and following Christopher’s funeral, I entered rehab for two months. I still think about him every day and wish I had stopped all of us from climbing the bridge. I considered quitting performing altogether. I wasn’t sure if fans or the media would blame me for Christopher’s death, and while this didn’t happen, I have always felt very conscious of being given a second chance.
About your question of if I work out three hours a day…I do not work out from 10AM-1PM, as I may have implied. I work out from more like 10AM-11:15AM. But since we are being honest, it’s questionable how healthy my relationship with exercise and food is. I am proud to say I have not relapsed with alcohol (and thank you for answering my question about drinking so straightforwardly), but I am pretty compulsive about exercising. This is not a humblebrag because I don’t think it’s good to be compulsive about anything. I was scrawny growing up and could eat whatever I wanted until I was about 30. At that point, as soon as I put on some weight, I stopped eating sugar and wheat. When I got Covid, I lost too much weight so I decided to start having bread again last spring and now, even though I’ve cut out grains again, I weigh 13lbs more than I did when I hosted TNO. Do you remember that sketch when I was wearing a very silly leather vest and shorts? I knew in advance I might be asked to wear something revealing for the show plus I’d be on TV and having my picture taken while promoting my album so I did a cleanse the week before. In the past, I have fasted in advance of photo shoots, but now that I have some distance on all of that, I think it’s a habit I want to be finished with. I’m sure this will result in me looking less fit, and people will make snarky comments, but maybe I can learn to be at peace with it.
OK…I am seriously considering deleting that last paragraph because I am scared of how vain you will think I sound…but I also am curious what your reaction is. And no, I absolutely do not talk about this stuff with most people.
I know what you mean about getting older and having a different sensibility than the people coming up behind you. I feel aware of that when it comes to social media, which seems pointless to me and which I don’t deal with myself but it is such a part of the machinery now. Another weird thing for me that’s been true since the beginning is that, although my recent album sales are respectable, it’s close to impossible that I will ever again reach the sales of my first album (even accounting for all the shifts in how music is sold during the last 20 years…which is, as you might say, a story for another time). Earlier in my career, this made me worry that I was failing the people at my label, but over time, it has helped me recognize that the one thing I can control is my music…not sales, not market trends, not critical reaction. I just can try to put my best work out there.
I swear to you I was a freaky goth, and for proof here’s a picture of me from age 14. Please enjoy my way too long bangs, horrible-fitting jeans, and black nail polish. I was terrified of girls, worshipped The Velvet Underground and The Cure, and hated having to wear a coat and tie to my all-boys’ school almost as much as I hated the mandatory sports.
I suppose the style of my side project band is…rockabilly? It’s less poppy than my solo work, as I’m sure you will be sad to hear. I often wonder when I will play again before a crowd. I miss it like crazy and also, thinking of people pressed up against each other, sweating, singing at the top of their lungs…it’s so hard to imagine that ever feeling normal.
I bet every version of your screenplay is great. I can’t wait until I’m in a theater watching a movie you wrote.
from: Sally Milz
to: Noah Brewster
date: Jul 24, 2020, 7:22 PM
subject: Actually
You’re definitely my best pen pal! Without question! I was just trying to play it cool.
There have been 3 others:
Pen pal 1 (4th-6th grade / 1992-1994)—Freja Mikaelsson who lived in Gothenburg, Sweden. My mom’s college roommate married a Swedish man, and the moms cooked up this idea that their daughters, who were the same age, should write to each other. I have a hunch the main reason was for Freja to practice her English while the only Swedish I ever learned was “How are you?” and “I am fine, thank you.” For a while, Freja and I corresponded a lot—mostly stuff like “My favorite color is yellow” and “I do not have any pets but would like a rabbit”—but it eventually petered out. Some of her letters might still be in a box in Jerry’s basement, but the basement is, shall we say, not optimally organized.
Pen pal 2 (freshman year of college / fall 2000)—Martin Biersch. I went to high school with Martin (not to be confused with Vinny Kaplan of the Hy-Vee cereal aisle) and one night the August after we graduated, a bunch of people were hanging out at the pool at my friend Erin’s house. I guess you could say Martin and I had a moment, and though we’d barely spoken in four years of high school, we started emailing each other after I went to Duke and he went to the U of Missouri, aka Mizzou (not sure if he ever went to see any shows at the Blue Note but I’ve heard it’s a cool space, possibly a former movie theater). Martin and I emailed each other every few days from late Aug/early Sept to Thanksgiving break. Our emails weren’t explicitly romantic but they weren’t explicitly not romantic either (such things can be murky, right?). And then we both were back in KC for Thanksgiving break and there was this particular bar that people from my high school used to go to the night before Thanksgiving because they served you without an ID. When Martin and I saw each other there, it was probably the most awkward interaction of my entire life. Like, I could barely speak. And same for him. Looking back, I think the awkwardness was because whatever the dynamic was between us was unclear—neither of us knew if it was more friendly or flirty—and also, and I don’t mean to be glib on this topic, I’m pretty sure we were both totally sober (I definitely was). We interacted for about six minutes, most in total silence (I think I talk an average amount now, but I was extremely quiet through college, and Martin was a quiet guy, too) and then I said I had to go to the bathroom and we haven’t spoken or emailed since. Do you think he’s still waiting for me to come back from the bathroom?
Pen pal 3 (my 3rd year at TNO / 2011)—You and I kind of discussed this at the after-after party, but by this time, I’d just turned 30, divorced, and had cycled through a mindfuck of a non-relationship with another TNO writer. Years after most people our age, I tried online dating for the first time. And I made a total rookie mistake by matching with a guy whose name I don’t remember and exchanging emails with him probably three times a day for three weeks before meeting. And then we met and had NO chemistry. It wasn’t awkward in the excruciating Martin way. It was more like when you sit down next to someone on a plane flight and mutually have not one iota of interest in each other. Obviously, endlessly emailing someone before meeting is a waste of time, but I do still wonder whether a person’s writing self is their realest self, their fakest self, or just a different self than their in-the-world self? Or maybe emailing with someone a lot before meeting is ill-advised not because the other person is real or fake but because there inevitably will be a discrepancy between your idea of them and the reality. Have you ever tried online dating? For that matter, do you fly on commercial planes? If not, they’re this thing where many people who don’t know each other but are traveling to the same city board the same aircraft at the same time, like a bus in the sky.
Anyway, this is how all my pen pals measure up:
Freja: A- (Anything lower seems mean, right? Since she was a child at the time)
Martin: B- (It was kind of interesting to get a window into someone else’s first semester at college, especially because I wasn’t very happy freshman year, but his writing style was pedestrian)
Guy Whose Name I Can’t Remember from Dating Website That No Longer Exists: B (I also can’t remember any of our specific emails, but it has to count for something that I was motivated to respond)
You: A+ (Clearly!!) Also you were an adorable 14-year-old
It’s very sweet and a little mortifying that you’ve watched my sketches. I’m tempted to give disclaimers about how topical comedy doesn’t hold up well, but instead I am going to just say thank you. I’m sorry about the death of Christopher, which I did know about. The accident and his death both sound sad and terrible. I’m glad you decided after that to continue being a musician and I know a lot of other people are too.
And, in a different way, I also am glad you didn’t delete the paragraph about eating and exercise. On the one hand, I think I know something about appearance pressures because I’m a woman who lives in America in the 21st century (maybe that could just be because I’m a woman, full stop), and because, working with people whose job is to be on camera, I’ve seen their insecurities and the criticism they get, even though they’re really attractive. On the other hand, I actually can’t imagine having my appearance publicly dissected by strangers, and it seems unfair that that matters so much when your looks are wholly unrelated to your ability to write songs and play guitar. For what it’s worth, I remember you at TNO as terrifyingly fit, and it’s very possible you look better having gained 13 pounds. In any case, in the last few days, my own sense of you as a Leather Shorts Wearer has been superseded by my sense of you as a digital consciousness that I’m communicating with (very enjoyably!). When I see your name in my inbox, I wonder what you’ll say about your childhood or your life right now more than I think about what you looked like in leather shorts. Not that you DIDN’T look good in leather shorts. You looked as good in leather shorts as a person can…I mean, okay, eek, I fear this is reaching Martin Biersch at Thanksgiving 2000 levels of awkwardness.
