Diary of a Drag Queen, page 29
25 Not Zoolander 2 though – that’s a shit, transphobic movie.
January/Janvier
1 Honestly, who am I?
2 A favour, if you ask me.
3 Probably not true, but telling a bottom they’re tight is the same as saying, ‘Oh my God! Your cock’s so biiiiiiig!’, knowing full well it’s average in size. Weird how telling someone they have a big cock seems to relax a man in bed. Quite a boring standard really – the whole cock size thing. What about: ‘Oh my God! Your personality is so uniiiiiqueeee! Your character so generous! I want to suck it so bad!!!!’ – that’s better.
4 Yes, that sounds like a poncho, but it’s a just a stunningly big scarf – huge difference.
5 Literally, what was she doing for an hour?
6 Done that so many times. Once I went to a Dazed magazine party and, while trying to glamorously drift down the stairs, my ankles gave way under the instability of my flatforms (lol) upon which I hurtled down the stairs and into a waiter carrying seven glasses of champagne on a tray. Iconic.
7 Hahahahaha.
8 Googled that. Have never read any Dickens because, let’s call a spade a spade, Dickens is boring.
9 I NEVER go in pools in public because I had chlamydia once when I was seventeen and I was convinced I got it from a pool at Oceana in Warrington. Ugh, so bleak.
10 Which I learned from Sex and the City, God help us.
February/Février
1 Fuck, almost a month ago; need to get a job.
2 I reckon this rogue commenter is probably gay. (Although not all homophobes are secretly gay, and I think when people say this it’s actually removing accountability from the person dishing out the abuse. We wouldn’t say all arachnophobes are actually spiders.)
3 If you’ve ever stepped on a ferret you’ll know the sound I’m referring to.
4 ‘Hurt’, from the album Back to Basics.
5 Disclaimer: I know a bunch of people who wound up in happy relationships from Grindr, not that it’s always the end goal.
6 I can’t afford Grindr Xtra – it’s £3.99 a month – so I can only see the twenty guys closest to me.
7 ‘Skin’, from the album Loud.
8 While it’s an awful stereotype, every hookup or dating app user has been scared by unavoidable Daily Mail headlines that tell shocking tales of murder and catfishing. It’s our primal instinct to expect danger, and it’s all part and parcel of the thrill.
9 A pile-driver is when the receiver lies on their neck, hips up, while the giver stands up, squats and thrusts. According to Urban Dictionary, most porn stars can’t do the pile-driver for long because they pass out when too much blood rushes to their heads. Top4Bottom and myself manage just fine.
10 Neither Grindr meet finished me off, I should add.
March/Mars
1 Especially with Stan, who has unfortunately passed away :(
2 I found it: ‘Dear Friends, I have been meaning to get this out in the open for a while. I am a die-hard Celine Dion fan. There, I have said it. I am out of the closet. And it feels so good. Thanks for your support in this difficult time xxxx’
3 Twink: gay slang for ‘thin, white, into no kinks’. We all know one.
4 The east London version of Soho House: its vibe is much more about having a good body and swimming in the roof pool on a Monday and pretending you’re successful and hot enough to not have a job.
5 Bar the yuppie bit: turns out that category is full of men who think craft beer is a revolution and go to gym classes where they get called ‘rebels’. Hahahahaha I’m laughing at you.
6 And of course gender and sexuality are both a spectrum.
7 Although the worst was the time I came home, and thus out, with blue hair. God, my mum freaked.
8 Literally the only thing that’s more my type is a KFC.
9 PrEP is a little blue pill that has unbelievable success rates in reducing the number of new HIV transmissions between people living with HIV and those who are negative. There’s also a big Tory wanker fight over who should fund it. Obviously they don’t want to. What absolute douchebags.
10 Iconic!
11 She recommended PrEP but left the decision up to me, and so I left it.
April/Avril
1 Lavigne xxxx.
2 Not sure what responsibility but I’m shirking it.
3 Is this bad? It makes me feel bad.
4 Realised there was a calculator on my laptop but don’t dare go back to work out monthly budget – at this point that just feels cruel.
5 Still unsure whether I have to declare tax on this?
6 It was a lyric from her masterwork ‘Parachute’, by the way; a truly stunning moment in the pop canon.
7 Made the word up, but sounds gorj, right?
8 Yes, I’m aware I did one a few days ago, but I needed the money.
9 Drag colloquialism for make-up. Just googled spelling and realised it comes from the word ‘geisha’. Now I’m thinking that probably the word isn’t mine to use.
10 I know this is a reference from Girls but it’s, frankly, ubiquitous. Plus I have a tattoo of Robyn’s logo on my leg because I thought it was arty (I miss being nineteen).
11 I also had a book for pictures of men’s torsos I’d torn from magazines, but I kept that under my bed.
12 A made-up word, but all words are made up so STFU.
May/Mai
1 At this I got what I call a ‘commitment erection’, which is when you get an erection about emotional commitment. Just me?
2 Note that internships are the devil, a) exploiting free labour and b) allowing only privileged folk who can afford to work for free to do so.
3 I don’t know what’s worse, though: an unpaid internship or a paid social media position?
4 lol, Chic ;)
5 For rich white ladies.
6 Made worse by the kind of clenching high heels force upon you.
7 All while claiming to be artists, of course.
June/Juin
1 Lol, when am I not?
2 No wonder I failed vet med: ‘Hey, I can’t diagnose your gerbil but have you read Judith Butler?’
3 Others call this therapy but I’m too broke for that.
4 Earlier in the evening she’d been recounting a story where she shat on the floor and dropped her full mooncup on top of the shit and her boyfriend walked in. Incredible!
5 Chelsea had just broken up with an actual duke because his dick was just too big.
6 Don’t @ me.
7 Poor Dad, he was just trying to help.
8 Ugh, even I’m jealous of me.
9 Back then it was called Christopher Street Liberation Day, and it started in 1970. It was, apparently, pretty rad – but it also had its problems centring on racism and trans exclusion. So not that rad after all.
10 Ugh, I’m such a walking contradiction.
July/Juillet
1 J’adore la France!
2 Thank God I’ve sorted that athlete’s foot.
3 Finally, the big money.
4 Lol.
5 Significant Other: wanker phrase for boy/girlfriend/partner that removes any agency one might have in being significant in their own right. Same goes for ‘other half’ or ‘better half’.
6 We didn’t go to the poo party, sadly; that was next weekend.
7 Or very Les Mis 24601, which is way more my brand.
8 Sounding, by the way, is where you take a thin steel, or sometimes rubber, rod and slowly insert it into the urethra. It must be sterile, and my friend Jeremy – who loves it – told me that if you time it just right you can both orgasm and urinate at exactly the same time. Jeremy told me, with pride, that it’s the most pleasurable sexual thing he’s ever done, ‘and honey, I’m in my fifties!’
9 Obviously this was my favourite.
10 Which is actually every goal, so I’ve decided I’m fine with it.
August/Août
1 Since AIDS has killed around 35 million people since 1981, it seems absolutely bogus that there are a pitiful two World AIDS Museums.
2 The only straights I like. Pun intended.
3 When’s it not, though, Henny?
4 Hate Costa. Favourite is Nero, then Starbucks, then Costa.
5 This is literally the most pointless problem anyone’s ever had. Am I a snowflake?
September/Septembre
1 Hands up who misses Magali?
2 If you’re unsure of these names, it’s time you used Google properly!
3 Which is unlike me. I hate walking.
4 -amous.
5 Is that a thing? I’ve been in my overdraft since I opened a bank account.
6 I really need to read another book.
7 And I have an erection.
8 Lol, me, rugby.
9 I should mention that I had a jab in the ass for my gonorrhea the morning of my flight to Milan.
October/Octobre
1 When did I get so glam? Ugh, capitalism is so attractive, goddamn it.
2 A can of pale ale and a sesame seed bagel.
3 It must be noted here that there are a lot of words communities reclaim that are not yours to use if you don’t belong to that community. Faggot is one, the n word is most definitely one.
November/Novembre
1 So nice to find a rental that allows pets.
2 This space symbolises my loss for words.
3 A catchy rhyme, I must admit.
4 Such a stunning and underused word. xx
5 I know people are reluctant to write off swathes of history because their social context doesn’t match ours but fuck it!
6 It should be noted that it’s still illegal in seventy countries.
7 They just take credit for it.
8 I mean you’re flogging a dead horse if you have to use Jessica Alba in a trend article: she’s literally done nothing of relevance since she launched that baby food line years ago.
December/Décembre
1 Just people, which is worse.
2 I have witnessed this a whole two times: this is a whole category of person.
3 They’re fucking everywhere.
4 Although she can def play me in the movie of my life.
5 I’ve never read it, does this metaphor work?
6 I’ve seen it fifty-three times, really proud, someone call Guinness Book of Records.
7 Homophobic hate crime has risen by 147 per cent since Brexit, according to The Hate Crime Report, published by Galop.
8 Or when you wank over being gangbanged by the original cast of Rent.
9 Eating my feelings as per, stunning. xxx
Crystal Rasmussen, Diary of a Drag Queen
