Sworn to Honor, page 4
“Good enough.” Ransom clapped him on the back as they jogged to their vehicles in the parking lot.
*
Two hours later, Julian had showered, swung by the deli for macaroni salad, and began the ten-mile drive to Ransom’s quiet suburban neighborhood. His friends were right to insist he get off of his couch and join them. Time to face the fact that he’d let a woman get under his skin, and for the first time, he wanted more and she hadn’t. Of course, they’d both agreed on one night. She’d agreed that she didn’t want a relationship, but then through the course of the night something began to change. For the first time, he began to think about what-ifs. What if she didn’t have to leave? What would it be like to date her?
The sharp pang in his chest—one that had developed a day or so after he realized she was well and truly gone—intensified now. Before Sam, he always made sure to be upfront about his intentions. He’d hate to think some of those women might’ve felt this…hurt when he left after a hookup. He should take the experience as a reminder of why he didn’t get involved. You could build your whole life up around someone, like his father had, only to come home one day to find them gone.
You’re the reason.
His mother’s and maternal grandmother’s cold words still held power, but Sam had taken those words, ones she’d heard as a child, too, and given them new meaning. If he was honest with himself, she was different from the very beginning, but that intimate understanding of what the other had been through had forged something unique. At least on his part. The connection they seemed to have was intense, even before they’d entered his apartment. He was always the one to do the leaving, afraid for things to get serious or give anyone the wrong impression. For the first time, though, he hadn’t wanted to end what he’d started. Maybe that was what was bothering him—the fact that she made the choice to walk away from him like they’d previously discussed. Just because he’d let his emotions get involved didn’t mean she had. Or perhaps the reason was witnessing Ransom’s happiness at finding Brynn. Was he envious of his friend’s newfound contentment? The smile that never seemed to leave his lips? Then there was the part about him bringing Sam to his apartment.
He didn’t like sharing his personal space, even for a short period of time. The place wasn’t anything special, but it was his, and although his décor might seem sparse, it would give others a glimpse into who he was. Pictures of him and his sister—the only person he loved aside from his teammates. Wall art of deep space. The Millennium Falcon and other Star Wars replicas. Some Navy trinkets and memorabilia people had given him over the years. Bringing a woman there was like having a piece of his personality on display, and he let people see only what he wanted. Had he invited Sam into his space because his subconscious recognized she was important or had it been the desire to see how she fit there? God, had she fit. Like she’d always belonged.
He flipped on his directional and took a right turn into the driveway of Ransom’s sprawling ranch-style home. Happiness didn’t begin to describe what he’d felt when Ransom’s offer was accepted on this house. Relief. Gratitude. Regret. He’d toured the house with Ransom, Jacob, Brynn, and the guys that day, and he’d fucked up huge, sticking his nose where it didn’t belong out of fear. He’d been so sure Brynn was going to hurt his lovestruck friend that he dug into her past. Luckily, Ransom wasn’t going to let anyone second-guess her character. He’d been wrong about Brynn. She was his friend’s perfect match. A combination of strength and kindness he’d grown to love.
Joker cut the engine, unbuckled, and slid out of his truck, hefting the bag from the grocery store off of the seat. Yellow flowers of some kind bordered the accessible ramp and the stairs leading to the front door. The house had a striking stone and wood façade with large glass windows that brought the outdoors inside, but that wasn’t what made it the perfect home for Ransom’s family. The grounds and the interior had been built with accessibility in mind. The previous owner had been a veteran wounded in combat who went on to adopt a boy with cerebral palsy, like Ransom’s brother.
Joker didn’t bother knocking before he opened the door and stepped into the bright foyer. He put the bag from the deli on the rustic bench and began to unlace his boots. Then the sound of a guitar chord resonated through the room. Long, confident notes drifted into the foyer. He closed his eyes as a sweet, sultry voice joined the notes, lacing words with the melodic tone of the stringed instrument. His breath burned through his lungs as he stood hostage. Each note spilled over into his soul and wound around him. That voice locked him in place, leaving him to breathe through a torrent of emotions. He’d finally accepted that he’d lost his chance with her, and now it sounded as though she were only steps away. He’d never forget that voice. Could recognize it anywhere. The sound of it had been almost spiritual that night at the bar, soothing some of the emotional turmoil he was feeling after his mission. With her song flowing through him, he was able to lay the mother and children to rest, at least in his mind. Sam had moved him. Changed something fundamental within him.
A flicker of determination sparked in his chest. He’d spent two months in a haze. Two months of fragmented sleep, haunted by a pair of golden eyes and a shy smile. Now, by some miracle, she was here in his teammate’s house. The song ended, and he took one step forward, then two. He had to find out what he had done to make her leave like she had. To see if there was any chance they might keep in touch this time. The hurt he’d felt when he woke to find her gone still lingered. They’d promised each other nothing, and she wasn’t bound to him in any way, but his emotions hadn’t listened to logic.
When he heard his teammates laugh at something Sam said, white-hot jealousy polluted his airways until the conversation from this morning’s run, one he wasn’t paying much attention to, popped into his head. Sam hadn’t met one of his teammates in some unfair twist of fate and accompanied them to the get-together—she was Jacob’s new music therapist. Also the woman who had saved Brynn when she’d been run off of the road months ago. She didn’t just sound like an angel, she was one.
He stepped into the living room, and every pair of eyes swung in his direction. His teammates instantly straightened, alerted to the intensity rolling off of him. He and his teammates struggled together. Bled together. Broke together. Of course they would sense the force of his mood. He let his gaze land on the woman he was both desperate to see and also scared to ever see again. She could break him. Her eyes widened, and her hands tightened on the guitar in her lap. She looked so pretty in a sunny top that ruffled around her shoulders. Jacob was sitting next to her on the couch, a wide smile on his face, and Brynn was on the other. Their big mutt, Oscar, was draped over her lap like a blanket.
“Joker.” Ransom started forward and gripped his shoulder. “You’ve got to meet Samantha Campbell, the woman who rescued Brynn. Also now Jacob’s music therapist.”
She’d been right under his nose for the past two months, but he’d fallen into such a funk, he hadn’t been spending as much time with his team off base.
“Hey, Starburst.” Sam stared at him unblinking. Frozen in place like he’d been in the foyer. Silver was looking from him to Sam and back again.
“You two know each other?” Branch was lounging in one of the leather recliners.
Joker waited for her to say something, anything. The air in the room seemed to buzz with electricity. He wasn’t one to second-guess himself, but for whatever reason maybe she wasn’t comfortable with anyone knowing they’d met before. When he thought of all the reasons why that might be, none of the answers sat well with him.
“Sam? Is everything okay?” Brynn moved the dog from where it was resting comfortably on her lap and leaned forward so she could look around Jacob to Sam.
She suddenly seemed to snap out of the daze she’d been in and began securing her guitar in its case. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m sorry to leave like this, but I have to go.” She abruptly stood, knocking a throw pillow to the ground. “Thanks for having me again, Jacob.”
Brynn lifted Jacob’s tablet to his face, and the teen’s eyes moved over the screen. The gaze-driven device had opened up more communication for him. “Thanks. See you,” the tablet vocalized.
“You will. Next Friday.” Sam gave Jacob and Brynn a shaken smile.
“I’ll walk you out,” Brynn said, eyes narrowed at him, filled with promise of the verbal assault to come once she got back inside. She stood, her dark hair falling long and loose around her shoulders. “Although, if it’s Joker that’s made you want to leave, you should stay. He can leave.”
Sam’s eyes widened and her face scrunched up in confusion. If he wasn’t so damn upset by her reaction to him, it would’ve been almost comical.
“No! Not necessary. I—There’s something I forgot.” Sam fumbled her guitar case, nearly dropping it to the ground. “Really nice to see everyone again.”
His teammates turned to glower at him, arms crossed stiffly over their chests. As the seconds ticked by it was more and more apparent to them that something had happened between him and Sam. And that he’d upset her in some way.
She walked toward him, eyes downcast, and tried to slip by. A growl of frustration rumbled deep in his throat, and he stepped in her path. Her face drained of color, and he frowned at the visible pulse jumping beneath the delicate skin of her neck. What the hell?
“I have to go.” She didn’t meet his gaze, and a sour taste coated his throat.
“Not until we talk.”
She shook her head, blond strands swaying around her face. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Like hell there isn’t,” he bit out. Shit. He needed to get a lock on his emotions before he startled her any more than he already had.
“Joker.” Ransom’s voice was sharp with warning. “She said she doesn’t want to talk.”
“It’s okay, Ransom. Julian did nothing wrong. Not even a little bit.” Her eyes glazed and he swore her chin wobbled. Now he was doubly confused by her reaction.
“You avoiding my gaze, looking at me like the devil himself just walked into the room tells me I missed something big.” He made a point to gentle his tone. His sheer size was intimidating, but he’d never hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He’d certainly never hurt Sam.
“We both agreed.” She dropped her voice to a whisper. “One night. Nothing more.”
“You didn’t leave a note. A number. I told you I’d drive you home. Did you walk? Do you know how dangerous—”
“No more so than letting a stranger know where I live.”
And those were the words that hardened his resolve. The fact that she’d trusted him to take care of her that night and now he was some stranger who she didn’t want knowing her address made his stomach knot.
“Ransom, we’re using the sunroom,” he grumbled. “Please. Just five minutes.”
She nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Hey.” Branch had put the recliner in an upright position and stood. “If you don’t feel safe, you don’t have to talk to him.”
“It’s not that, but thanks for looking out for me.”
Silver had approached them. “You say the word, darlin’, and we’ll gladly kick his ass.”
They would, too, and he was happy for it. Even if they were teammates, hurting or making a woman feel uncomfortable wasn’t something they’d let slide. He certainly hadn’t meant to intimidate Sam, but he had all the same.
“Not necessary. At all,” she said. That seemed to appease Silver a fraction, but he still glowered at him.
Joker released a breath and began walking. Sam followed him down the hallway and into the bright glass room attached to the home. His heart was firing in rapid succession. He didn’t want to screw this up.
He shut the door behind them and turned to face Sam. He hated the fear in her eyes. Hated that she seemed to have forgotten everything they’d shared. He’d felt her every reaction, her every sigh so deep within his soul it was impossible to purge the memories. That couldn’t all be one-sided.
“When I woke up and you were gone, I was worried about you. I know we said one night, but the moment you stepped into my apartment I knew how difficult that was going to be. I was going to ask you to spend the night. Is that all I was to you, Starburst?” He stepped closer, but didn’t crowd her space. “Some stranger you let take up to their apartment for the night? Because it sure as hell didn’t feel that way when you were wrapped around me. When I was moving inside you and neither of us could get enough. When you whispered you were going to take everything you’d felt and hold it close.”
A pink hue flushed over Sam’s cheeks, taking away the ashen look she’d had moments before. Oh, yeah, she remembered. Satisfaction swelled inside him. Now they were getting somewhere.
“We agreed neither of us wanted anything more, and if I stayed, that’s what would’ve happened.”
She wasn’t wrong in her assessment. By the end of the night, his mind was muddled to the point that he didn’t want to let her go. “Why’d you really leave?”
“I just told you. It was one night. That’s all I wanted.” She bit her top lip, and he noticed her eyes had lost some of the light and sparkle from the night he’d met her.
“Bullshit.” He took another step closer. “I walked into the living room and the color leached from your face. What the hell was that about? Did I hurt you in some way that night? Upset you? Scare you?” He held his breath, waiting for her answer as a sick sensation gripped him. “Because the thought of that makes me want to hurl.”
“God no,” she croaked out, her shields faltering. “Is that what you thought? You did nothing to me that I didn’t welcome. You… You’re the reason I felt whole that night. The reason I now have a beautiful memory of intimacy. Of my birthday.”
There was so much about those last sentences that he wanted to dissect, but first he had to know. “Then tell me, Starburst. Why I woke up ready to pull you into my arms only to find an empty bed. Why for the first time in my life I broke every rule and brought a woman into my personal space, slept with her in my arms, let her see more of me than I’ve shown my own teammates only to find her gone. Tell me, Sam, because I don’t understand.” His breath was ragged and an unfamiliar emotion wedged in his throat. He’d broken another rule and revealed his hand. Shown his true feelings and laid all his pent-up anguish at her feet.
Part of him willed her to stomp out that tiny flicker that burned bright in his chest when he thought of her. To put an end to something destined to fail, if only because of who he was. The other part wanted her to jump into his arms and give them a fighting chance. Tell him that the connection between them was too thick to sever, and she needed more. Who the hell was he kidding? He was who he was. A man women were more than happy to jump into bed with but one they never wanted to keep because he made sure of it with his callous affront.
Only now, with Sam standing before him, did he wish he could be different. The kind of man who deserved a woman like Sam.
Chapter Four
Sam could hardly draw a breath. Julian, who everyone in the house seemed to know as Joker, stood inches from her, his intense gaze locked on her face. Those incredible hazel eyes were flecked with pain. A reflection of everything she’d felt in the two months since she slipped out of his apartment. With each caress, each quiet whisper she’d started dreaming if there could be more between them. It wasn’t just the sex, and even with her limited experience she understood what they shared wasn’t the norm—it was the in between when they were lying in bed catching their breath. The easy banter. The way he spoke to her like she was special. The appreciation in his eyes when they roamed over her body, like she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. By the end of the night she was so thoroughly loved, the delusions she’d had about some kind of relationship with Julian didn’t seem so far-fetched.
That was until she’d gotten up in the early morning hours to use the bathroom and saw the black dog tags on the countertop by the sink. The floor had dropped out from beneath her, along with the stupid fantasy that she and Julian could be something more. He was not only in the military, he was Special Forces. The same group of men and women her father had betrayed. He’d turned his back on his team, family, and country out of greed. Julian was an honorable man, and if he knew he’d slept with the daughter of a traitor, he’d be sickened. With blurred vision she quietly collected her clothes and left him, and what felt like a chunk of her heart, behind. Like she’d planned to the night before, she’d walked home, barely able to contain her tears. She’d never experienced a loss so acute, and for weeks she wondered why she was so broken up over a man she’d only just met. Standing before him now, she understood just how far she’d fallen that night.
“Sam?” Julian was still waiting for her response, but what was she supposed to say? That he was a hero and she was trash? That she didn’t deserve to be in the same room as someone like him after the things her father had done? Then a terrible realization dawned on her. If Julian was Special Forces, then maybe Brynn’s fiancé was, too. She’d known they were in the Navy and that was hard enough. God, how did she miss it—they were all huge and built, practically left a haze of testosterone in their wake. Not your average sailor. The closest friend she’d made in a very long time was engaged to a SEAL, and now she was going to lose her, too.
She looked up at Julian and blinked. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. There was no way Julian was going to let this go, not without uncovering all her secrets. Not unless she killed that glint of hope in his eyes. “It was just a one-night stand for me. You made it good, and I appreciate that, but I don’t want more than what we had. Take care.” She turned quickly so he wouldn’t see her tears. Wouldn’t see the lie that was probably plain on her face. She’d never hated herself more. Her fingers closed around the doorknob and she pushed it open, rushing through the house to the front door. By the time she stepped into the driveway, tears were freely streaming down her face. The day was warm for fall, but everything inside her was cold and numb. She got behind the wheel of her ten-year-old sedan, put it in reverse, and backed out of the driveway.
