In the Grasp, page 5
She slides her fingers under my shirt, the contact causing goosebumps to break out along my flesh. I love when she touches me like this. It’s not tentative or shy, but focused, seductive, like she’s tracing every part of me and committing it to memory. As her hand explores my abs, I start hastily undoing the buttons of my shirt and then rip it off until we’re lying there topless, skin on skin.
Nothing has ever felt better in my entire life.
I kiss her again, my mouth eager to join with hers, before moving down to unbutton her jeans. She helps by sliding them off while I slip out of my own. I pull a condom out of the basket—I came prepared—and set it down next to us, so I don’t have to look for it later.
When I glance back at Paige, I see her laid out before me absolutely, unreservedly, perfectly naked. As much as we’ve hooked up the past few months, we’ve never been completely naked with each other. I take back everything I said about Paige being gorgeous before. She is, but damn, looking at her spread out like this—I’ve never seen anyone or anything so beautiful in my entire life. I can hardly speak, I’m in such awe of her.
Our hands explore each other, our lips sometimes following. I’m not usually such a touchy-feely kind of guy, but this moment is everything I hoped it would be, not just for Paige but also for me. We fumble around with the condom as I try desperately to remember the lessons about safe sex from health class. It doesn’t help that I’ve never been this hard in my life, and every touch makes my dick twitch with a raw need I’ve never felt before. She lets out a laugh as she watches me struggle, which pulls me from my own nerves and settles my shaking hands. Once it’s on, I focus back on her, and the laughter fades as I use my fingers to feel her warm, wet heat and make sure she’s prepared for me.
But it’s the sight of my body slowly sliding into hers that will be forever burned in my memory.
Oh. Fuck. Me.
She’s so tight.
It’s the most unbelievable feeling in the world, and I have to stop for a second, taking deep breaths and closing my eyes. I’m praying for the control to make this last because I desperately want this to be as good for her as it currently feels for me. I glance down and realize I’m not even in that far. Jesus Christ, I might die from pleasure if this is how good she feels when I’m barely inside. With one more deep breath, I feel under control enough to keep pushing deeper. She inhales sharply, and I stop.
“Does it hurt?”
“A little.” She takes a deep breath. “Just keep going.”
“Maybe we should stop.”
I’m pretty sure it would kill me at this point, but I can’t hurt Paige. I start to slide out, but she grabs my ass and holds me to her.
Her gaze is pleading, her mouth a breath away from mine. “Don’t stop, Jack. It’s okay. It’s normal for it to hurt the first time. It’ll go away. Please don’t stop. I want you to be my first.”
Like I said before, I can’t deny Paige anything. I take a steadying breath and continue to push into her. I push a little harder and finally settle my now painfully hard dick fully inside her. She cries out, then closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. I want to stop—I mean, I don’t want to because this feels fucking incredible, but at the same time, I can’t stand the idea of Paige in pain, while all I feel is pleasure. I’m just about to pull out and tell her we can try again another time, but then I feel her squeeze around me and I’m lost in the ecstasy of this moment.
She opens her eyes, her brown gaze locking with mine, and whispers, “Don’t stop, Jack.” So, I keep going. I slowly pump in and out of her, and I’m like ninety-nine point nine percent sure that I could die of total bliss right now. She feels so fucking good. The pleasure shoots through me, nearly overwhelming me. As I feel my body start to lose control, I realize I’m not going to last much longer. Not with how tightly she’s gripping me, or the way she’s moaning and writhing underneath me.
Despite my struggle for control, I know enough from locker room talk that I want her to come first. The guys have talked about all different methods to hold off, so I start reciting the alphabet backward in my head, but I get distracted by the noises she’s making. They sound different than earlier.
“Does it feel good?”
“Yes,” she whispers.
Her eyes meet mine, and I’m completely lost to her. If Paige didn’t have all of me before, she sure as shit does now.
I continue to pump inside her, but I’m losing my battle for control.
“Paige, I can’t hold off much longer. You feel so fucking good. Too good.”
My muscles are tight and burning from the restraint. My whole body is fraught with tension. She’s moaning more now, and the only thought in my head is that I need to make her come.
I suddenly remember something my teammate, Brandon Fishell, told me about rubbing a girl’s clit to make her come. I move one of my hands down toward her clit—a part of her anatomy I have memorized over the past few months since we started hooking up—and start rubbing it gently. Her gorgeous chocolate-brown eyes widen, her breath stutters, and she lets out the sexiest moan I’ve ever heard as her body gyrates against mine, wholly lost to the feeling. It’s so sexy. Suddenly, she tightens and pulses around me as she calls out my name, her arms scraping down my back as ecstasy washes across her face. The feel of her coming around me is my undoing, and I completely lose it. I come hard—harder than I ever thought was possible. So hard, I have a tiny moment of panic that I broke the condom because there’s no way it could hold up against an orgasm that powerful. Thankfully, when I pull out, I notice the condom is still intact.
We lie there on our blankets, holding each other for a long time after, not talking but just staring up at the sky as the sun fades along the horizon. I’m playing with Paige’s hair, holding her tightly to me, her hand wrapped around my waist, another blanket covering our naked bodies and protecting us from the chill of the evening air.
“Was it okay?” I ask tentatively.
I want more than anything for her to have enjoyed it. I know I did.
She sits up and looks at me. “Jack, it was perfect.”
A smile breaks across her face, and I let out a relieved breath. I pull her back down to me, holding her close.
I never want to leave this moment.
I kiss her hair and tell her how much I love her, even though those words don’t feel strong enough to convey how I feel about her. I know now, without a doubt, that Paige is it for me. She’s the only one who will ever make me feel like this. She has all of me, heart, body, and soul.
Eleven
I don’t know how long we lie together, our naked bodies touching, Jack’s hand running through my hair. In this moment, I know without a doubt that he owns all of me, and there will never be anyone else for me. I love him beyond words, especially because he made this night everything I ever hoped it would be and so much more. If I didn’t have the move to Chicago looming over my head, I’d be one hundred percent sure that Jack and I would end up married someday. But the reality is we are moving.
I don’t look at him when I start talking. I can’t.
“We need to talk about what’ll happen when I move to Chicago.” I don’t mean to whisper the words, but that’s how they come out anyway.
He exhales heavily. “I know.” He sounds so sad and defeated, and I hate this position that we’ve found ourselves in.
“Do you think we can make it work?” It’s the question I’ve been asking myself nonstop. Truthfully, I’m afraid of his answer because I’m worried he’ll say no.
“I don’t know,” he whispers.
He kisses my forehead softly. “Paige, I love you with every ounce of my being. But we’re sixteen. You’re moving over two thousand miles away, and neither of us has a job, so it’s not like we can pay for trips to see each other without our parents’ help. I want to believe we can make this work long distance, but I just don’t know. The longest we’ve been apart was two months last summer, and it sucked. And that was before we were even a couple. We haven’t been apart at all since we started dating, and the idea of being separated from you kills me.”
“It kills me too. But can’t we at least try?”
He looks at me sharply then exclaims, “Of course we’re going to fucking try! Did you honestly think I was telling you we should break up?”
I shrug. “Kinda. I mean, you sound so defeated. It sounded like you were already resigned to it not working out.”
“Paige, the odds aren’t on our side, that’s for sure. But there’s no one else in the world I want to be with. I will fight for us. It won’t be easy, not on either of us, but we’re definitely going to try to make it work. I’m not giving you up that easily.”
“I’ll fight for us too. I’m not giving you up, either.”
I kiss him deeply, once again lost in the feel of his mouth on mine. It’s dark now, and I know we should head back home, but I don’t want to leave. Being with Jack like this is my definition of perfection. It’s my happy place, and if I could stay here forever, I would.
The next few weeks fly by. Jack and I spend every minute together that we can and take advantage of his parents being gone at several events when we’re supposed to be studying.
Jack is so attentive to my needs when we’re together. I now understand how people can get addicted to sex. I crave the feel of Jack almost constantly, especially when it seems like sex gets better every time. We’ve become so familiar with each other’s bodies that I’m pretty sure I know his as well as I know my own.
This last week has been different, though. There’s almost an urgency when we’re together—like we can’t get enough of each other to sate this need that’s clawing at us both. We haven’t talked about it, but I know what’s driving it. I move on Friday.
We’ve both been denying the inevitable for far too long. It’s time to come up with a plan. We’re lying together on his bed, barely covered by his sheet. My hand is drawing circles on his chest, and I can’t take the silence anymore.
“Jack, we should talk about what’s happening in two days.”
He immediately sits up and swings his feet off the side of the bed. He pushes off and starts getting dressed, as dread fills my gut.
I sit up, covering myself with his sheet. “Jack.”
Without looking at me, he says, “I don’t want to talk about it. We should probably study for the test tomorrow anyway.”
“Jack, I couldn’t care less about that test. I leave on Friday. As in, two days from now. We’ve hardly talked about it.”
“What’s there to talk about?”
My heart lodges in my throat, but I push it down and try to stay focused instead of feeling hurt and worried by his words. “Are you serious right now? How about figuring out how things are going to work? Are we going to call each other every night? Are you going to come out to visit before you have to go to football camp, or am I coming back here? We should make a plan, so we have something to look forward to.”
He turns to me sharply, his mouth in an angry snarl and his gaze furious. “Something to look forward to? I’m supposed to be excited about having to wait several months before seeing my girlfriend again? Fuck that.”
His anger surprises me. He was sad and defeated before about the move, but never angry. I realize I’m still sitting here naked, while he’s now standing fully clothed, his arms crossed and his body language completely closed off. I’ve never felt so vulnerable or exposed with Jack before, but I do now.
I get up and quickly get dressed while my heart plummets to my stomach. I can’t stop the silent tears streaming down my face. This wasn’t what I wanted. I thought it would be easier if we knew exactly when we’d get to see each other again. It wouldn’t make our situation feel so desolate.
Apparently, Jack doesn’t see things that way. I can’t tell if he’s angry with me or with the situation, or maybe both, but I can’t help feeling hurt. His reaction scares me because this is what I’ve been afraid of all along. That he’d want to give up and break up.
I speak softly. “You said you’d fight for us. We said we’d fight for each other. That’s all I wanted.”
There’s a tremor in my voice that I wish he didn’t hear, but by the look he gives me, I can tell he did. His eyes lose their anger and quickly fill with remorse and sadness.
“I’m sorry, Paige.” He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I can’t stand the idea of you leaving. I’ve tried to push it out of my mind.”
“You can’t ignore it for much longer, you know.”
“I know.”
The defeat and heartache in his tone match how I feel. I don’t know what to say to make this better or easier for us. We’re at an impasse, and I’m no longer confident that we’ll make it out the other side unscathed.
Twelve
This is the day I’ve been dreading for a month. My parents let me skip school, so I could be with Paige until her family leaves. I’ve hardly talked to her since the other night when she wanted us to make a plan. I know her feelings were hurt, but I’m having a hard time too. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin what little time we had left talking about how long it’ll be before we see each other again. But there’s no avoiding it now.
The U-Haul is packed up, and her parents are doing their final walk-through of their empty house. Paige and I have been sitting on the back porch steps holding hands for the last half hour, not saying a word. There’s so much I want to say, and yet I can’t find the words. It’s the most confusing feeling I’ve ever experienced, and I hate this helpless ache that’s permeating my entire body.
Her dad comes out on the back porch. “Paige, honey. We’re going to leave in about ten minutes, okay?”
She speaks quietly, dejectedly. “Okay, Dad.”
He goes back inside, and each second ticks by like it’s the last, the weight of what’s coming bearing down on both of us until I feel like I’m being suffocated.
“I can’t stand this,” I murmur, and then I lean in and kiss her hard, desperate for this connection with her, for this one perfect moment where it’s just the two of us and we can pretend our whole future isn’t about to change. I twine my fingers in her hair and deepen the kiss.
Everything is right in the world when we’re together. Why does she have to leave? I hate this so much. I pull away to look at her and see tears streaming down her face.
“I love you so much, Jack. Please don’t give up on us. I need you.”
I hold her close, not ready to let her go—I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to let her go. “I need you too. I won’t give up. We’ll make it work, okay? You’ll call me as soon as you get to Chicago and then we’ll start planning when we can see each other. I love you. It’s all going to work out, okay?”
She nods, her eyes filled with despair and yet still hopeful that we can make this work. I kiss her again, sealing my promise to her that we will find a way to stay together. It won’t be easy, but we can do this. We’re meant to be together, that I know for sure.
We stand up, hands clasped together tightly, and I walk her out to the front. Everything is packed, and it feels so surreal, like this is happening to someone else and I’m just watching it. Except that my heart feels like each moment closer to her departure is another stab, and that pain feels very real. Seeing the tears streaming down her face and knowing she’s struggling just as much makes this even harder. I turn her toward me and use my thumbs to brush her tears away.
“None of that, okay? This isn’t goodbye forever. It’s just goodbye for now.”
I make sure she’s looking me right in the eyes. “You’re my best friend…my everything. Never forget that. You’re stuck with me forever, okay?”
She takes a deep breath and nods. With one final kiss and a whispered “I love you,” she’s shuffled into the car, and they drive away. I stand there on their lawn, my arm held up in a frozen wave, until they round the corner.
That’s when I lose it.
I sink to the grass, my arms draped across my bent knees, and hang my head. I can feel the tears as they stream down my face. I know I’m supposed to be tough and manly, but right now, I don’t give a shit. I just had to watch the girl I love drive away to another state thousands of miles away, and I don’t even know when we’ll see each other again.
I realize now that Paige was right. We should’ve made a plan before she left. I feel gutted and empty—the painful pressure in my chest is immense. I’ve never felt this awful before.
I drive straight home and go to my room, not interested in talking to anyone. I know my parents saw me, but they have the decency to give me some space to sort through my feelings. My dad eventually knocks on my door to check on me, but I get him to leave me alone pretty quickly.
I’m lying on my bed, waiting for sleep to claim me when my phone dings with a text.
Paige: I miss you.
My chest constricts, and I feel that burning sensation in the back of my throat and eyes. God, I miss her so much already. I want to hold her more than anything else right now.
Me: I miss you too. Where are you guys? Did you stop for the night?
Paige: Yeah. We made it to Ogden, Utah. It’s boring. We’re getting up early to continue the drive, but I can’t sleep.
Me: Me either.
Paige: We’re going to get through this, right, Jack?
Me: Yeah. We’ll get through this.
We have to get through this. I’m not sure I know how to live without Paige in my life.
Part 2: Now
Thirteen
You know that feeling you have when you first wake up and notice that it’s brighter than normal? That feeling just a split second before the panic sets in that it’s too bright and you realize you’re running late? That’s the feeling I have when I shoot straight up in bed and reach for my alarm clock.
