Cole (Protecting You, Finding Us), page 5
“Oh my God,” Holly says. “Did they find Storm?”
“I’d bet that Zayn did,” I say as Ella walks out of the room, holding her hand over her mouth.
Zayn has been afraid of spiders his entire life. We’ve always given him shit about how he became a landscaper who isn’t afraid of anything…except spiders. Just so happens he fell in love with a woman whose daughter has a pet jumping spider. It just goes to show how much Zayn loves Ella and Saige. Because I never would have expected he would allow a pet spider to live in his house.
“You’d be right,” Ella says, walking into the kitchen with Jaxon following behind her.
“Is everything okay?” Steph asks Ella. “Levi?”
Ella shakes her head. “I asked him if he was okay, and he seems all right. He went back to coloring his picture at Saige’s desk.”
I see Steph take a deep breath. I know she wants to run to Levi with every single little thing that happens. But sometimes that can be worse than just letting it go if he is. I’ve spent my entire adult life learning how to help that kid because I couldn’t love him more than if he were my own flesh and blood. I held him on the day he was born. Gave him his first haircut. Videotaped the first time he rode his tricycle. We were all there. But Steph and I have always had this bond that isn’t like the others. Never mind the fact that my heart is suffering from confusion that she belongs to it. That motherfucker has been betraying me for so long. But I’d give my life for Levi, just as I’m sure Jaxon, River, and Zayn would. Because we’re all family here.
“You guys are all so mean,” Holly says. “Poor Zayn. Is he okay?”
“He’ll be fine,” Ella says. “This isn’t the first time he’s had to hold Storm. He just has to scrub his hands after to get what he calls that crawling feeling off.”
“Are we ready to sit?” Jaxon asks.
“Yep, you all go ahead and take a seat. Kids, dinner,” Ella calls out as she motions us toward the table. We all filter over to our chairs except for Steph, who is pouring her drink into a glass with ice. Ella grabs the potholders. “I’ll just grab the garlic bread out of the oven.” A second passes before she throws open the window above the sink. “Dammit.”
A haze of smoke fills the room from the open oven. Steph grabs a towel and starts fanning the smoke toward the window. Saige and Levi come trotting into the living room just as the smoke detectors start going off, and I immediately look to Levi. His wide eyes make me move but not fast enough. He plants his hands over his ears, screams, and runs out of the room.
“Levi,” Steph yells, but she gets stuck on something for a second before she runs after him down the foyer toward the front door, and I’m right behind her. “Levi, come back, honey.” I can hear the panic in Steph’s voice, and it isn’t until I jog around the corner that I see the front door open.
Steph and I run outside, but Levi is nowhere to be seen. “Where did he go? Levi? Where did he go? I can hear him. Levi, where are you? You’re safe. It’s okay.”
“He couldn’t have gotten far. We were right behind him. He’s here somewhere.”
“Why is he so damn fast? Levi!” she shouts.
Footsteps of everyone that was just in the house hit the front porch, and Jaxon takes off around the far side of Zayn’s house as he calls out Levi’s name.
“You go check around your house. He either went home, or he’s hiding somewhere. We’ll find him,” I say. He was right next to the front door when he took off, and it took a minute for Steph and me to get across the room. But it was only a minute. There’s no way he got that far without us seeing him.
Steph takes off, her body frantically spinning around as she moves, looking in all directions. I jog around the opposite side of the house that Jaxon went to, but I don’t see anything. It’s like he just disappeared into thin air. Usually, when Levi has a meltdown, he’s screaming or crying or rocking back and forth while humming. We’d hear him. My throat starts to clench tighter and tighter, but I know he has to be here. The women start looking in the bushes, and Zayn is in his neighbor’s yard, looking anyplace that a little boy could hide.
Jaxon comes running, his face completely sans any color other than the shade of ghost. “Keep looking here,” he says, breathless. “I’m going down the street.”
River shouts from behind me, “I’ll go down the other way.”
As Jaxon and River take off running down the road, I look under all the cars parked in the driveway. There’s just no way that kid could have gotten so far out of our sight in broad daylight.
I keep my eye on Kalina and Holly, hoping they find him in the bushes or something, but my instinct is telling me to stay in the driveway. He’s just got to be here. Steph’s voice travels through the entire neighborhood as she calls for Levi over and over again. He’s never done this before. I open Zayn’s truck door and peek inside, calling for Levi, but the truck is empty. I race over to Ella’s car, open her passenger-side door, and look inside at the seats, but they’re all empty too. I go to slam the door closed but hear a tiny sob. I get back in and look between the seats to find Levi curled up on the floorboard in the back seat, his head down with his hands over his ears.
I get out, close the front door softly, and shout, “I’ve got him!” A collective sigh of relief echoes through the air as I move to the back door and slowly get in, closing it behind me.
“Levi?” I say calmly as he slowly lifts his head from the floorboard next to where I’m sitting. “It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ll just sit here with you until you’re ready.”
Sometimes it takes him a few minutes to want to talk. I was fully expecting it to take a while right now. Instead, he unfolds from his curled-up position and reaches for me with shaking hands. I help him up, and he crawls into my lap, so I tuck him into me as he clings on, and I hug him with just enough pressure. Levi doesn’t always respond to deep pressure, but we’ve found it definitely helps him on most occasions.
Steph and Jaxon nearly run into the side of the car, and I nod at them as Levi’s breaths still hitch, and I know it’s just going to take a bit for him to calm down. Steph looks like an entirely different woman than she did only ten minutes ago. She collapses into Jaxon’s arms as he gives her a hug too.
“I’ve got you, buddy. You know I’ve always got you.” I keep the pressure on Levi until he calms down enough to lift his head, and I know he doesn’t want the hug anymore.
“That was too loud,” he says. “I left.”
“I know. It was loud, buddy. It’s okay. I was scared too.”
He still has tears coming from his eyes as he hiccups another breath. “I ran away. I’m sorry.”
“We’ll worry about that later. Right now, I just want you to take the time you need.”
“I want to go home,” he says, wiping his tears.
I sink my head low to look him in the eye, but he only holds mine for a quick moment. “That’s really good noticing what you want. Are you ready for me to open the door, then?”
He nods, and I reach for the handle. As soon as the door opens, Steph stands with her hand out. “Come on, baby,” she says. “Let’s go home.” I know she wants to hug him, but she won’t until he calms down a little more.
Levi gets out of the car, and I follow behind him. Jaxon pats my back.
“I’ll bring you two a plate,” Ella says to Steph, heading into the house with Kalina and Holly behind her.
“You come too,” Levi says, looking at me.
“You sure, buddy? Maybe a little quiet time with Mom would be good.”
“Nope. You come too,” he says, and there’s no way in hell I’m arguing.
“We’ll send you a plate too,” Jaxon says. “Good instincts, Cole. Thank God that boy trusts you just as much as I do.” He turns from me, and everyone slowly starts walking into the house.
His words lie heavy on my soul as I walk next to the woman who has held the key to my heart, which has been caged by loyalty and promises. Levi yawns as Stephanie opens the door to her house and holds it open for him, and he steps inside. The exhaustion in her face when she looks at me breaks my heart a little more. I touch her arm gently, and it looks as if she could start crying at any second, which is not usual for Steph.
“Everything is okay,” I say, grabbing the door from her. “Go on.”
She nods, and we head into the living room, where Levi has already taken off his shoes and left them strewn in the foyer. Stephanie’s house is a close replica of Zayn’s. They built these houses around the same time and with the same builder. But there’s no mistake about the difference in smell. Zayn’s house always smells of pine from what he uses to clean. Stephanie’s house smells just as sweet as she does.
I watch as Stephanie kneels in front of Levi.
“You scared me. You scared me so much. I know you felt like you had to get away, but running out of the house and hiding was not good.”
“I know,” Levi says. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“If that ever happens again, let’s think of something different to do. Okay? Maybe grab someone’s hand and take them with you. Or…” Steph looks to me as if she’s defeated.
“How about a tree,” I say. “There’s trees everywhere. If you feel like you need to get away from something, find the nearest tree and just stay there.”
Steph gives me a thankful nod. “That sounds like a good idea. Do you think you can remember that? I’d rather you come to an adult, but if you find yourself doing that again, just go to a tree.”
“Touch a tree,” he says, nodding. “Got it.”
Steph gives him a quick hug. “Why don’t you go change your shirt. It’s all wet from your tears, huh?”
“Yeah. Can I put my pajamas on?”
“Of course,” she says, standing up and wrapping her arms around herself as Levi walks down the hallway toward his room.
“Are you okay?” I ask, taking a step toward her.
“Yep.” Her nonchalant tone as she pretends to straighten up the already neat pillows on her giant sectional isn’t surprising. I’ve only seen Steph cry a few times, but it’s far from the first time I’ve seen the sadness in her eyes. She’s always brushing things off and putting on this façade that she’s a rock.
I walk to her, reaching my hand out for her arm that is currently beating the shit out of the throw pillow, and pull her into me. She sinks into my body, and I swear I feel a small sob as she squeezes me quickly, then leans back enough for me to see her face. There is no sign of tears. She clears her throat and looks up at me with those gorgeous brown eyes.
“That was scary.”
With her still in my arms, I run my hand over her back in an attempt to comfort her. “Petrifying.”
“You found him though. And you knew…” Her voice trails off, and she touches her finger to the cupid’s bow of her lip. Her eyes become glazed over as she attempts to blink away the tears I know are there. “You always know what to do.” The fight in her to block her outward emotions is losing the battle as one lone tear breaks over the dam of her lower lash line. I wipe it away with my thumb and in the same motion tuck the strand of hair that was dangling at her temple behind her ear. Something changes in her eyes as the deep creases in her forehead disappear, and the hand she used to hug me falls to my lower back.
Having such a close relationship with Steph means this isn’t the first time I’ve hugged her. It’s not the first time I’ve looked down into the depths of her eyes, wishing I could tell her how I feel. Wanting more than anything in the world to lean down and kiss her lips. Tell her I’m in love with her and that she’s the only one for me. But just like every time before, I won’t. But as we get older, I get these small moments where I think she tends to linger just as much as I do.
Her soft, floral scent is like a wisp in the air, and I’m not sure if it’s my imagination or if she’s slowly coming closer. A rush of adrenaline pours into my bloodstream as she searches my eyes, and the space between us gets less and less. Could this be it? Could this be the moment I’ve waited fifteen years for? The moment where everything I’ve held in spills over the edge like a broken levy onto a piece of land that’s been plagued with drought for years?
I brace myself for what could be the best thing to ever happen to me or ruin my entire life. The longer time has gone by, the more I’ve found myself willing to think about taking the risk. Because how long can one man torture himself? I swipe my thumb over her cheek as her chest rises slightly higher against mine than it has in the last two minutes. Fuck, she’s reacting to me. I feel her breath on my lips, and just as I’m about to move in and make it all finally happen, the front door opens.
“Hey.” Jaxon’s voice booms from the foyer, and Steph jumps, pulling herself out of my arms and away from the kiss that I’m positive almost just happened.
“Come on in,” Steph says, jogging to meet Jaxon as he balances a few covered plates in his arms. She grabs two, and Jaxon readjusts the third in his hand as he catches my face.
“You okay, brother?” he asks.
Steph only flashes me a two-second glance before taking the plates into the kitchen. Jaxon walks over and hands me the remaining plate of food he brought.
“If you want to head home, I’ll stick around here for a bit.”
“You both know how much I appreciate you, but Levi and I are fine now. I’ve got this. He’s probably going to fall asleep pretty quickly anyway.” From in the kitchen, her eyes on mine still have the same heat they did when they were right in front of my face. “Thank you for everything you did tonight. Levi loves you so much.”
I nod without saying a word because I fear they’d hear the echoes of my cracking heart through my voice.
“I’ve got to talk to Steph real quick anyway,” Jaxon says. “I’ll text you in the morning.”
Like an idiot, I press my cold lips together, giving them a friendly grin, and walk out.
CHAPTER FIVE
Steph
Very rarely do I take days off. Even on my flare days, I’m able to push myself through, which I’m grateful for. I know others don’t have that ability, and I know the chances of me keeping that ability are slim. So for now, if I can do it, I’m doing it.
But yesterday morning, Levi and I both had a hard time peeling ourselves out of bed. We made it as far as the couch and spent the entire day in our pajamas. The fatigue was overwhelming, but I’m certain I still could have made it through the day at my desk. When Levi said he wasn’t feeling great either and that he wanted to stay home, I called Jaxon and told him I wasn’t coming into work. Of course, he nearly lost his mind out of worry until he drove to my house to make sure we were both okay for himself.
Today, I still didn’t feel great, and I woke up with a rash on my face, but Levi was ready to get back to his routine by going to his dad’s house with Tori and Saige. I wasn’t surprised a rash showed up, as it tends to happen after stressful events or being out in the sun too much. Thank God for makeup, and by now, I’m an expert at covering it as much as possible. Jaxon has either failed to notice it or has assumed that it’s part of my monthly cycle, which is the excuse I give him when I don’t want to get out of my desk chair. I’ve found that when I tell Jaxon I have cramps, he throws up his hands and apologizes for asking before leaving me alone. So I use that excuse most of the time, and he hasn’t caught on.
All day, I was watching the clock, praying the hands would pick up speed. They didn’t. All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed because I’m so tired. Instead, I drive to Isaac and Tori’s house to pick up Levi. As I pull up into their driveway, Levi is standing outside, waiting for me, which couldn’t make me happier. I unlock the doors for him and roll down my window as he comes running toward the car, swinging a big piece of paper in his hand.
“How was he today?” I yell to Tori, who’s standing on the front porch with a smile.
“Perfect,” she says. “No problems today. I’ll see you tomorrow, Levi. I love you.”
“Love you too, Tori,” Levi shouts to her, and he gets in and buckles up, and I wave as I back up and head down the road.
“Mom, we need to go to Cole’s house.”
“Oh, not today, honey.” I glance into the rearview mirror to see my son’s determined face.
“Please? I need to give this to him today.”
He holds up the piece of paper, but I can’t make out what’s on it while paying attention to the road ahead.
“What is that?”
“I drew a picture for Cole, and I want to give it to him. Please? He’s going to love this, and I really want him to have it. I spent so long drawing it. I promise we don’t have to stay long.”
I chuckle. “Okay, okay. But in and out. I want to get home and cook those pork chops I took out of the freezer.”
“Poooork choooops,” he whines.
“Levi, you cannot live off of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese.”
“Chicken is protein, and mac and cheese is both dairy and a carb. Give me a bottle of water, and there is no scientific reason a person couldn’t live on that.”
Some days, it seems like Levi was just born yesterday. Next to older kids, he seems like such a baby still. And that’s not meant in a mean way. He’s always going to look like the tiny boy I brought home from the hospital to me. But then there are times like this when if I had my eyes closed, he could easily pass for seventeen.
“Well, when you grow up and have your own place, you can eat chicken nuggets every night if you want to. But tonight, we’re having pork chops.”
Oh my God. That was a line my mother used all the time. If I didn’t miss her so much it hurt, I might be disappointed in myself for saying things thirteen-year-old me swore she’d never say.
Every time I look back at Levi in the rearview, the wide smile across his face as he stares at whatever he drew on that paper makes my heart fill with joy. I love seeing my little man happy, and if making a slight detour to Cole’s house on the way puts that kind of happiness in him, then so be it. Never mind the fact that I’ve been trying to figure out all day whether what happened in my living room Sunday night was just my imagination or if I almost kissed Cole.
