Shifter Scrooge, page 11
Thanks for reading.
xoxo,
C.D. Gorri
*Dragon Mates & Dragon Mates 2 boxed sets are now available in hardcover, paperback, and ebook.
Other Titles by C.D. Gorri
***
Paranormal Romance Books:
Macconwood Pack Novel Series:
Charley’s Christmas Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 1
Cat’s Howl: A Macconwood Pack Novel 2
Code Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 3
The Witch and The Werewolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 4
To Claim a Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 5
Conall’s Mate: A Macconwood Pack Novel 6
Her Solstice Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 7
Werewolf Fever: A Macconwood Pack Novel 8
*Also available in 2 ebook boxed sets
*Look for discreet editor paperback and hardcovers
Macconwood Pack Tales Series:
Wolf Bride: The Story of Ailis and Eoghan A Macconwood Pack Tale 1
Summer Bite: A Macconwood Pack Tale 2
His Winter Mate: A Macconwood Pack Tale 3
Snow Angel: A Macconwood Pack Tale 4
Charley’s Baby Surprise: A Macconwood Pack Tale 5
Home for the Howlidays: A Macconwood Pack Tale 6
A Silver Wedding: A Macconwood Pack Tale 7
Mine Furever: A Macconwood Pack Tale 8
A Furry Little Christmas: A Macconwood Pack Tale 9
The Wolf’s Winter Wish: A Macconwood Pack Tale 10
Mated to the Werewolf Next Door: A Macconwood Pack Tale 11
Wolf’s Scottish Geek: A Macconwood Pack Tale 12
No Otter Lover: A Macconwood Pack Tale 13
*Also available in boxed sets:
The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 1
Shifters Furever: The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 2
Shifters Furbidden: The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 3
Shifters Fur Keeps: The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 4
The Falk Clan Tales:
The Dragon’s Valentine: A Falk Clan Novel 1
The Dragon’s Christmas Gift: A Falk Clan Novel 2
The Dragon’s Heart: A Falk Clan Novel 3
The Dragon’s Secret: A Falk Clan Novel 4
The Dragon’s Treasure: A Falk Clan Novel 5
The Dragon’s Surprise: A Falk Clan Novel 6
The Dragon’s Dream: A Falk Clan Novel 7
Dragon Mates: The Falk Clan Series Boxed Set Books 1-4
Dragon Mates 2: The Falk Clan Series Boxed Set Books 5-7
The Bear Claw Tales:
Bearly Breathing: A Bear Claw Tale 1
Bearly There: A Bear Claw Tale 2
Bearly Tamed: A Bear Claw Tale 3
Bearly Mated: A Bear Claw Tale 4
Also available in a boxed set:
The Complete Bear Claw Tales (Books 1-4)
The Barvale Clan Tales:
Polar Opposites: The Barvale Clan Tales 1
Polar Outbreak: The Barvale Clan Tales 2
Polar Compound: A Barvale Clan Tale 3
Polar Curve: A Barvale Clan Tale 4
Also available in a boxed set:
The Barvale Clan Tales (Books 1-4)
Barvale Holiday Tales:
A Bear For Christmas
Hers To Bear
Thank You Beary Much
Bearing Gifts
Bearly Friends
Also available in a boxed set:
The Barvale Holiday Tales (Books 1-3)
Purely Paranormal Romance Books:
Marked by the Devil: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Mated to the Dragon King: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Claimed by the Demon: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Christmas with a Devil, a Dragon King, & a Demon: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Vampire Lover: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Grizzly Lover: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Christmas With Her Chupacabra: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
*Purely Paranormal Romance Books Anthology Volume 1
The Wardens of Terra:
Bound by Air: The Wardens of Terra Book 1
Star Kissed: A Wardens of Terra Short
Waterlocked: The Wardens of Terra Book 2
Moon Kissed: A Wardens of Terra Short
*Now in a boxed set and in audio!
The Maverick Pride Tales:
Purrfectly Mated
Purrfectly Kissed
Purrfectly Trapped
Purrfectly Caught
Purrfectly Naughty
Purrfectly Bound
Purrfectly Paired
Purrfectly Timed
Dire Wolf Mates:
Shake That Sass
Breaking Sass
Pinch of Sass
Kickin’ Sass
Love That Sass
Kiss My Sass
Wyvern Protection Unit:
Gift Wrapped Protector: WPU 1
Tempted By Her Protector: WPU 2
Alien Protector: WPU 3
Unexpected Protector: WPU4
Jersey Sure Shifters/EveL Worlds:
Chinchilla and the Devil: A FUCN’A Book
Sammi and the Jersey Bull: A FUCN’A Book
Mouse and the Ball: A FUCN’A Book
Chicken and the Paparazzi: A FUCN’A Book
*Jersey Sure Shifters Books 1-3 anthology
The Guardians of Chaos:
Wolf Shield: Guardians of Chaos Book1
Dragon Shield: Guardians of Chaos Book 2
Stallion Shield: Guardians of Chaos Book 3
Panther Shield: Guardians of Chaos 4
Witch Shield: Guardians of Chaos 5
Vampire Shield: Guardians of Chaos 6
*Guardians of Chaos Volume 1 Books 1-3
*Guardians of Chaos Volume 2 Books 4-6
Twice Mated Tales
Doubly Claimed
Doubly Bound
Doubly Tied
Hearts of Stone Series
Shifter Mountain: Hearts of Stone 1
Shifter City: Hearts of Stone 2
Shifter Village: Hearts of Stone 3
Accidentally Undead Series
Moongate Island Tales
Moongate Island Mate
Moongate Island Christmas Claim
Mated in Hope Falls
Mated By Moonlight
Speed Dating with the Denizens of the Underworld
Ash: Speed Dating with the Denizens of Underworld
Arachne: Speed Dating with the Denizens of Underworld
Asterion: Speed Dating with the Denizens of Underworld
Hungry Fur Love
Hungry Like Her Wolf: Magic and Mayhem Universe
Hungry For Her Bear: Magic and Mayhem Universe
Hungry As Her Python: Magic and Mayhem Universe
Island Stripe Pride
The Tiger King’s Christmas Bride
Claiming His Virgin Mate
Tiger Claimed
Tiger Denied
Tiger Rejected
*Tiger Tales Anthology Books 1-3
NYC Shifter Tales
Cuff Linked
Sealed Fate
Virtue Saved
A Howlin’ Good Fairytale Retelling
Sweet As Candy
Standalones:
The Enforcer
Blood Song: A Sanguinem Council Book
Spring Fling (co-written with P. Mattern)
Witch Shifter Clan
The Hybrid Assassin
Contemporary Romance Books:
Cherry On Top Tales
Her Yule His Log
His Carrot Her Muffin
Her Chocolate His Bar
Wild Billionaire Romance
His Wild Obsession
Jersey Bad Boys
Merciful Lies
###
Coming Soon:
Purrfectly F*cked
If The Shoe Fits: A Howlin’ Good Fairytale Retelling
Thrilled By Her Protector: WPU 5
Blood Witch: Witches of Westwood Academy
Spirit Witch: Witches of Westwood Academy
Fire Wolf: Witch Shifter Clan 1
Snow Fox: Witch Shifter Clan 2
River Dragon: Witch Shifter Clan 3
###
Young Adult/Urban Fantasy Books
The Grazi Kelly Novel Series
Wolf Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 1
Hunter Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 2
Rebel Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 3
Winter Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 4
Chasing The Moon: A Grazi Kelly Short 5
Blood Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel 6
*Get all 6 books NOW AVAILABLE IN A BOXED SET:
The Complete Grazi Kelly Novel Series
The Angela Tanner Files
Casting Magic: The Angela Tanner Files 1
Keeping Magic: The Angela Tanner Files 2
*The Angela Tanner Files Paperback 2 Book omnibus
G’Witches Magical Mysteries Series
Co-written with P. Mattern
G’Witches
G’Witches 2: The Harpy Harbinger
G’Witches 3: Summoning Secrets
Witches of Westwood Academy
Co-written with Gina Kincade
Water Witch
Air Witch
Fire Witch
Earth Witch
Blood Witch
*Be sure to check out my BUY DIRECT BUNDLES and get 30% off when you buy available only my website.
Excerpt from Purrfectly Mated
How the fuck did I wind up here?
It was all Elissa could do not to slam her face down on the table as she pondered that question for the umpteenth time since leaving her cozy Hoboken apartment to go on this so called date.
“So, babe,” the over-stuffed, heavily-cologned, and downright fugly man said.
Her date of the evening looked like something out of a bad sitcom as he tried to lean over the stained tablecloth of the rundown hotel buffet room, he’d driven two hours to get to. Waggling his caterpillar-like eyebrows, he gave her the once over and Elissa’s skin crawled.
Oh, hell no.
“I got a room upstairs, you know, for after,” he told her, nodding his head, and biting his lower lip in a manner she assumed he thought was provocative.
At best, it was nauseating.
FML.
How was this guy Elissa’s date for the evening? What had she done to deserve this?
Little Gianni. Yup, that was how he’d introduced himself. And here she was. On a blind date with a guy who had the word ‘little’ in front of his name.
Well, what did she expect? Roses and champagne? In this economy? She didn’t know where Cinder-fucking-ella got her prince, but it sure as fuck wasn’t in Jersey.
Elissa could only blame herself for agreeing to go on this blind date. Initially, the whole Little Gianni fiasco had been intended for her roommate.
Wait a second. Scratch that thought.
It was all Gretchen’s fault. That ungrateful cow!
She tried to play it off like she was some sweet little homegrown maiden. Oh, just wait till Elissa got home. Gretchen was never going to hear the end of it.
She owed Elissa. Big time. Like a whole month of washing the dishes big time. The rat trap they shared in her hometown of Hoboken was all the two women could afford, and for the most part, they got along just fine.
In fact, they’d grown to be close friends over the three years they’d lived together. It was the only reason she’d ever agreed to this date from Hell.
Elissa sighed and looked over at Little Gianni. Maybe he wasn’t all that bad?
"BEEEELLLLLLLCHHH! ’Scuse me, doll. Better out, am I right?”
Gianni winked and Elissa wished for a black hole to open up and swallow her up right through the floor.
OMFG.
The man just burped out loud like he was in a frat boy belting contest, only those days passed him up about thirty years ago.
For fuck’s sake. Gretchen, you so owe me.
Elissa cursed her roommate and tried not to groan. But Little Gianni wasn’t quite done. The grown ass man lifted his leg and let one rip.
Right. Fucking. There.
Elissa was going to die before the end of the night.
Literally.
This is what you get when you do a friend a favor without asking for details! Idiota!
The voice of her Italian grandmother sounded in her brain. She tried to ignore it, willing herself not to wince at the man while he sucked air, and who knows what else, noisily through his coffee-stained teeth.
Ew. So gross.
That was the perfect word to describe it. The only word, in fact. The entire date was just so fucking gross. She still couldn’t believe her sweet little roommate from Iowa, Gretchen Kaepernick, she of the wispy hair and baby blues, had set her up with this guy!
What the actual fuck was up with that?
Little Gianni was a slob. Actually, he looked just like her Uncle Nico, and that was not a good thing. Seriously, not good at all.
He wore his hair slicked back in a too tight ponytail that emphasized his rapidly receding hairline. As if that wasn’t enough to put her off, he was sporting an enormous paunch. Now, being a curvy girl, Elissa appreciated food and was in no way against men showing the same appreciation.
She liked bigger men. Always had. But bigger did not mean you had to be sloppy. Little Gianni’s stomach was literally hanging out from under a tight tan golf shirt that had definitely seen better days.
The man didn’t even look like he had ever played a sport of any kind. With it, he wore brown polyester pants that were three inches above his ankles and unbuttoned at the waist.
He didn’t look like he tried at all for this date. What kind of guy did that? His shirt collar was bent and wrinkled, and all three buttons were open to his chest, revealing a mat of oily, dark hair and pimples.
Somehow, he’d managed to tuck the back of the shirt in, but the front simply would not hold in that stomach. What worried her more were the tight brown pants.
As he sat back and stretched, she wondered if she should take cover. They looked like they were one bite from exploding off his body. Elissa shuddered at the image.
Please God, if You have an ounce of mercy, don’t let that happen, she prayed.
“Hang on, doll, I gotta take this,” he said, and turned to answer his cell phone.
It was ringing to the tune of ‘70s disco music she hadn’t heard since the last family reunion. Her eyes kept going to the huge stain on the front of his shirt. It was a little game she liked to call what the hell is that.
Coffee, she guessed.
“Up your ass, Bruno. I gotta have it by Monday,” he cursed into the receiver.
Elissa winced at the spectacle he was making of them both. There were only a handful of people there, but still.
Deep breaths.
Ew. Maybe not.
She coughed as the strong body spray, that he’d obviously used a ton of in lieu of a shower, bad move in her opinion, invaded her lungs.
Oh, this was so bad.
Elissa was, by no means, a snob. But this guy looked like he’d stepped out of a bad 1980s mafia spoof film. What’s worse, he kept smacking his lips together as he hung up the phone and looked her over from head to chest.
Thank fuck for the table, she thought, wishing she could hide her bosoms from his view.
“Ssssss,” he hissed, like it was sexy or something.
She just grimaced. Elissa might be able to forgive a lot of quirks, but she hated mouth noises. Really hated them. It was a super pet peeve of hers. Never mind his totally inappropriate and unwelcomed leer.
She started counting the minutes, willing the date to be over already. Plenty of people would tell her she shouldn’t be so choosy, but really? She was not this desperate.
Not yet anyway.
So, she was curvy and a little mouthy too. But was it wrong to want a man with good table manners? Even if men were thin on the ground for someone like her.
As a chef, she’d worked in a lot of restaurants and even as a personal cook for professional couples. She’d seen her fair share of unhappy couples and downright uncomfortable marriages. But as far as she was concerned, all relationships went downhill when good table manners were dismissed.
Good manners were merely a sign that a person was thoughtful and respectful. At least, that was what Nonna had told her. Gianni here had clearly missed that lesson as a child. Elissa had to work not to groan in disgust as he slurped a raw clam down his gullet.
Shudder.
Was there no end to his feeding? That’s what it reminded her of. Feeding time at the zoo.
OMG. That was rude, she scolded herself. But it wasn’t like she said it out loud.
All she wanted to do was go home. At least she was comfortable. She’d worn her softest pair of black leggings for this disaster date, paired with one of her favorite tunics on top.
It was dark green with tiny black buttons down the front and showed just the right amount of cleavage. She’d gone for neat and tidy as opposed to downright sexy.
Good call, in her opinion. Elissa looked perfectly fine for a nice getting to know you dinner, which is what she thought she was getting when her roommate asked her to step in for her on a blind date that one of her best client’s had set up for her.
Elissa shuddered now, thinking how good old Gianni here would’ve reacted to the red dress and heels she’d contemplated before checking the weather report.
xoxo,
C.D. Gorri
*Dragon Mates & Dragon Mates 2 boxed sets are now available in hardcover, paperback, and ebook.
Other Titles by C.D. Gorri
***
Paranormal Romance Books:
Macconwood Pack Novel Series:
Charley’s Christmas Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 1
Cat’s Howl: A Macconwood Pack Novel 2
Code Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 3
The Witch and The Werewolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 4
To Claim a Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 5
Conall’s Mate: A Macconwood Pack Novel 6
Her Solstice Wolf: A Macconwood Pack Novel 7
Werewolf Fever: A Macconwood Pack Novel 8
*Also available in 2 ebook boxed sets
*Look for discreet editor paperback and hardcovers
Macconwood Pack Tales Series:
Wolf Bride: The Story of Ailis and Eoghan A Macconwood Pack Tale 1
Summer Bite: A Macconwood Pack Tale 2
His Winter Mate: A Macconwood Pack Tale 3
Snow Angel: A Macconwood Pack Tale 4
Charley’s Baby Surprise: A Macconwood Pack Tale 5
Home for the Howlidays: A Macconwood Pack Tale 6
A Silver Wedding: A Macconwood Pack Tale 7
Mine Furever: A Macconwood Pack Tale 8
A Furry Little Christmas: A Macconwood Pack Tale 9
The Wolf’s Winter Wish: A Macconwood Pack Tale 10
Mated to the Werewolf Next Door: A Macconwood Pack Tale 11
Wolf’s Scottish Geek: A Macconwood Pack Tale 12
No Otter Lover: A Macconwood Pack Tale 13
*Also available in boxed sets:
The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 1
Shifters Furever: The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 2
Shifters Furbidden: The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 3
Shifters Fur Keeps: The Macconwood Pack Tales Volume 4
The Falk Clan Tales:
The Dragon’s Valentine: A Falk Clan Novel 1
The Dragon’s Christmas Gift: A Falk Clan Novel 2
The Dragon’s Heart: A Falk Clan Novel 3
The Dragon’s Secret: A Falk Clan Novel 4
The Dragon’s Treasure: A Falk Clan Novel 5
The Dragon’s Surprise: A Falk Clan Novel 6
The Dragon’s Dream: A Falk Clan Novel 7
Dragon Mates: The Falk Clan Series Boxed Set Books 1-4
Dragon Mates 2: The Falk Clan Series Boxed Set Books 5-7
The Bear Claw Tales:
Bearly Breathing: A Bear Claw Tale 1
Bearly There: A Bear Claw Tale 2
Bearly Tamed: A Bear Claw Tale 3
Bearly Mated: A Bear Claw Tale 4
Also available in a boxed set:
The Complete Bear Claw Tales (Books 1-4)
The Barvale Clan Tales:
Polar Opposites: The Barvale Clan Tales 1
Polar Outbreak: The Barvale Clan Tales 2
Polar Compound: A Barvale Clan Tale 3
Polar Curve: A Barvale Clan Tale 4
Also available in a boxed set:
The Barvale Clan Tales (Books 1-4)
Barvale Holiday Tales:
A Bear For Christmas
Hers To Bear
Thank You Beary Much
Bearing Gifts
Bearly Friends
Also available in a boxed set:
The Barvale Holiday Tales (Books 1-3)
Purely Paranormal Romance Books:
Marked by the Devil: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Mated to the Dragon King: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Claimed by the Demon: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Christmas with a Devil, a Dragon King, & a Demon: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Vampire Lover: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Grizzly Lover: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
Christmas With Her Chupacabra: Purely Paranormal Romance Books
*Purely Paranormal Romance Books Anthology Volume 1
The Wardens of Terra:
Bound by Air: The Wardens of Terra Book 1
Star Kissed: A Wardens of Terra Short
Waterlocked: The Wardens of Terra Book 2
Moon Kissed: A Wardens of Terra Short
*Now in a boxed set and in audio!
The Maverick Pride Tales:
Purrfectly Mated
Purrfectly Kissed
Purrfectly Trapped
Purrfectly Caught
Purrfectly Naughty
Purrfectly Bound
Purrfectly Paired
Purrfectly Timed
Dire Wolf Mates:
Shake That Sass
Breaking Sass
Pinch of Sass
Kickin’ Sass
Love That Sass
Kiss My Sass
Wyvern Protection Unit:
Gift Wrapped Protector: WPU 1
Tempted By Her Protector: WPU 2
Alien Protector: WPU 3
Unexpected Protector: WPU4
Jersey Sure Shifters/EveL Worlds:
Chinchilla and the Devil: A FUCN’A Book
Sammi and the Jersey Bull: A FUCN’A Book
Mouse and the Ball: A FUCN’A Book
Chicken and the Paparazzi: A FUCN’A Book
*Jersey Sure Shifters Books 1-3 anthology
The Guardians of Chaos:
Wolf Shield: Guardians of Chaos Book1
Dragon Shield: Guardians of Chaos Book 2
Stallion Shield: Guardians of Chaos Book 3
Panther Shield: Guardians of Chaos 4
Witch Shield: Guardians of Chaos 5
Vampire Shield: Guardians of Chaos 6
*Guardians of Chaos Volume 1 Books 1-3
*Guardians of Chaos Volume 2 Books 4-6
Twice Mated Tales
Doubly Claimed
Doubly Bound
Doubly Tied
Hearts of Stone Series
Shifter Mountain: Hearts of Stone 1
Shifter City: Hearts of Stone 2
Shifter Village: Hearts of Stone 3
Accidentally Undead Series
Moongate Island Tales
Moongate Island Mate
Moongate Island Christmas Claim
Mated in Hope Falls
Mated By Moonlight
Speed Dating with the Denizens of the Underworld
Ash: Speed Dating with the Denizens of Underworld
Arachne: Speed Dating with the Denizens of Underworld
Asterion: Speed Dating with the Denizens of Underworld
Hungry Fur Love
Hungry Like Her Wolf: Magic and Mayhem Universe
Hungry For Her Bear: Magic and Mayhem Universe
Hungry As Her Python: Magic and Mayhem Universe
Island Stripe Pride
The Tiger King’s Christmas Bride
Claiming His Virgin Mate
Tiger Claimed
Tiger Denied
Tiger Rejected
*Tiger Tales Anthology Books 1-3
NYC Shifter Tales
Cuff Linked
Sealed Fate
Virtue Saved
A Howlin’ Good Fairytale Retelling
Sweet As Candy
Standalones:
The Enforcer
Blood Song: A Sanguinem Council Book
Spring Fling (co-written with P. Mattern)
Witch Shifter Clan
The Hybrid Assassin
Contemporary Romance Books:
Cherry On Top Tales
Her Yule His Log
His Carrot Her Muffin
Her Chocolate His Bar
Wild Billionaire Romance
His Wild Obsession
Jersey Bad Boys
Merciful Lies
###
Coming Soon:
Purrfectly F*cked
If The Shoe Fits: A Howlin’ Good Fairytale Retelling
Thrilled By Her Protector: WPU 5
Blood Witch: Witches of Westwood Academy
Spirit Witch: Witches of Westwood Academy
Fire Wolf: Witch Shifter Clan 1
Snow Fox: Witch Shifter Clan 2
River Dragon: Witch Shifter Clan 3
###
Young Adult/Urban Fantasy Books
The Grazi Kelly Novel Series
Wolf Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 1
Hunter Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 2
Rebel Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 3
Winter Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel Book 4
Chasing The Moon: A Grazi Kelly Short 5
Blood Moon: A Grazi Kelly Novel 6
*Get all 6 books NOW AVAILABLE IN A BOXED SET:
The Complete Grazi Kelly Novel Series
The Angela Tanner Files
Casting Magic: The Angela Tanner Files 1
Keeping Magic: The Angela Tanner Files 2
*The Angela Tanner Files Paperback 2 Book omnibus
G’Witches Magical Mysteries Series
Co-written with P. Mattern
G’Witches
G’Witches 2: The Harpy Harbinger
G’Witches 3: Summoning Secrets
Witches of Westwood Academy
Co-written with Gina Kincade
Water Witch
Air Witch
Fire Witch
Earth Witch
Blood Witch
*Be sure to check out my BUY DIRECT BUNDLES and get 30% off when you buy available only my website.
Excerpt from Purrfectly Mated
How the fuck did I wind up here?
It was all Elissa could do not to slam her face down on the table as she pondered that question for the umpteenth time since leaving her cozy Hoboken apartment to go on this so called date.
“So, babe,” the over-stuffed, heavily-cologned, and downright fugly man said.
Her date of the evening looked like something out of a bad sitcom as he tried to lean over the stained tablecloth of the rundown hotel buffet room, he’d driven two hours to get to. Waggling his caterpillar-like eyebrows, he gave her the once over and Elissa’s skin crawled.
Oh, hell no.
“I got a room upstairs, you know, for after,” he told her, nodding his head, and biting his lower lip in a manner she assumed he thought was provocative.
At best, it was nauseating.
FML.
How was this guy Elissa’s date for the evening? What had she done to deserve this?
Little Gianni. Yup, that was how he’d introduced himself. And here she was. On a blind date with a guy who had the word ‘little’ in front of his name.
Well, what did she expect? Roses and champagne? In this economy? She didn’t know where Cinder-fucking-ella got her prince, but it sure as fuck wasn’t in Jersey.
Elissa could only blame herself for agreeing to go on this blind date. Initially, the whole Little Gianni fiasco had been intended for her roommate.
Wait a second. Scratch that thought.
It was all Gretchen’s fault. That ungrateful cow!
She tried to play it off like she was some sweet little homegrown maiden. Oh, just wait till Elissa got home. Gretchen was never going to hear the end of it.
She owed Elissa. Big time. Like a whole month of washing the dishes big time. The rat trap they shared in her hometown of Hoboken was all the two women could afford, and for the most part, they got along just fine.
In fact, they’d grown to be close friends over the three years they’d lived together. It was the only reason she’d ever agreed to this date from Hell.
Elissa sighed and looked over at Little Gianni. Maybe he wasn’t all that bad?
"BEEEELLLLLLLCHHH! ’Scuse me, doll. Better out, am I right?”
Gianni winked and Elissa wished for a black hole to open up and swallow her up right through the floor.
OMFG.
The man just burped out loud like he was in a frat boy belting contest, only those days passed him up about thirty years ago.
For fuck’s sake. Gretchen, you so owe me.
Elissa cursed her roommate and tried not to groan. But Little Gianni wasn’t quite done. The grown ass man lifted his leg and let one rip.
Right. Fucking. There.
Elissa was going to die before the end of the night.
Literally.
This is what you get when you do a friend a favor without asking for details! Idiota!
The voice of her Italian grandmother sounded in her brain. She tried to ignore it, willing herself not to wince at the man while he sucked air, and who knows what else, noisily through his coffee-stained teeth.
Ew. So gross.
That was the perfect word to describe it. The only word, in fact. The entire date was just so fucking gross. She still couldn’t believe her sweet little roommate from Iowa, Gretchen Kaepernick, she of the wispy hair and baby blues, had set her up with this guy!
What the actual fuck was up with that?
Little Gianni was a slob. Actually, he looked just like her Uncle Nico, and that was not a good thing. Seriously, not good at all.
He wore his hair slicked back in a too tight ponytail that emphasized his rapidly receding hairline. As if that wasn’t enough to put her off, he was sporting an enormous paunch. Now, being a curvy girl, Elissa appreciated food and was in no way against men showing the same appreciation.
She liked bigger men. Always had. But bigger did not mean you had to be sloppy. Little Gianni’s stomach was literally hanging out from under a tight tan golf shirt that had definitely seen better days.
The man didn’t even look like he had ever played a sport of any kind. With it, he wore brown polyester pants that were three inches above his ankles and unbuttoned at the waist.
He didn’t look like he tried at all for this date. What kind of guy did that? His shirt collar was bent and wrinkled, and all three buttons were open to his chest, revealing a mat of oily, dark hair and pimples.
Somehow, he’d managed to tuck the back of the shirt in, but the front simply would not hold in that stomach. What worried her more were the tight brown pants.
As he sat back and stretched, she wondered if she should take cover. They looked like they were one bite from exploding off his body. Elissa shuddered at the image.
Please God, if You have an ounce of mercy, don’t let that happen, she prayed.
“Hang on, doll, I gotta take this,” he said, and turned to answer his cell phone.
It was ringing to the tune of ‘70s disco music she hadn’t heard since the last family reunion. Her eyes kept going to the huge stain on the front of his shirt. It was a little game she liked to call what the hell is that.
Coffee, she guessed.
“Up your ass, Bruno. I gotta have it by Monday,” he cursed into the receiver.
Elissa winced at the spectacle he was making of them both. There were only a handful of people there, but still.
Deep breaths.
Ew. Maybe not.
She coughed as the strong body spray, that he’d obviously used a ton of in lieu of a shower, bad move in her opinion, invaded her lungs.
Oh, this was so bad.
Elissa was, by no means, a snob. But this guy looked like he’d stepped out of a bad 1980s mafia spoof film. What’s worse, he kept smacking his lips together as he hung up the phone and looked her over from head to chest.
Thank fuck for the table, she thought, wishing she could hide her bosoms from his view.
“Ssssss,” he hissed, like it was sexy or something.
She just grimaced. Elissa might be able to forgive a lot of quirks, but she hated mouth noises. Really hated them. It was a super pet peeve of hers. Never mind his totally inappropriate and unwelcomed leer.
She started counting the minutes, willing the date to be over already. Plenty of people would tell her she shouldn’t be so choosy, but really? She was not this desperate.
Not yet anyway.
So, she was curvy and a little mouthy too. But was it wrong to want a man with good table manners? Even if men were thin on the ground for someone like her.
As a chef, she’d worked in a lot of restaurants and even as a personal cook for professional couples. She’d seen her fair share of unhappy couples and downright uncomfortable marriages. But as far as she was concerned, all relationships went downhill when good table manners were dismissed.
Good manners were merely a sign that a person was thoughtful and respectful. At least, that was what Nonna had told her. Gianni here had clearly missed that lesson as a child. Elissa had to work not to groan in disgust as he slurped a raw clam down his gullet.
Shudder.
Was there no end to his feeding? That’s what it reminded her of. Feeding time at the zoo.
OMG. That was rude, she scolded herself. But it wasn’t like she said it out loud.
All she wanted to do was go home. At least she was comfortable. She’d worn her softest pair of black leggings for this disaster date, paired with one of her favorite tunics on top.
It was dark green with tiny black buttons down the front and showed just the right amount of cleavage. She’d gone for neat and tidy as opposed to downright sexy.
Good call, in her opinion. Elissa looked perfectly fine for a nice getting to know you dinner, which is what she thought she was getting when her roommate asked her to step in for her on a blind date that one of her best client’s had set up for her.
Elissa shuddered now, thinking how good old Gianni here would’ve reacted to the red dress and heels she’d contemplated before checking the weather report.
