The Death of Us, page 23
Holding my hand out, I motion for him to calm down with a stern expression. When I see that he has and is backing away, I reluctantly face Susie, sick at the thought of disappointing the only woman who’s ever cared for me. When I look into her crazed, nervous stare, it isn’t displeasure I see. It’s sadness.
Worry.
Taking her hands into mine, I press them against my chest, wishing she could see how much fuller she’s made my heart. “Thank you so much,” I mutter through my trembling. “None of this will fall back on you. None of this. I swear.”
“Honey, I don’t care about that,” she reassures, eyes blinking away the tears. “What about you? You two need to stop this and go. Go far away from here and live.”
“We will,” I stammer, looking back at Cade. “After.”
Anger replaces the tears that were just about to fall when she says my name. “Bernice.” I flinch as if she struck me, unused to the word. “This is stupid! You two are going to get yourselves caught, or worse.”
“You know what they did,” I remind her, as I flash her my scars. Pointing so Cade can display his as well. “They need to be punished for what they did to us. For what they’re still doing to others!”
Shushing me when I get too loud, Susie glances around the back street, looking for any stray witnesses. When she’s comfortable that there are none, she continues, “I understand that, and I agree. No one deserves to die more than they do—”
“Yes! So you see—”
“But not by you,” she breathes, the sadness returning. “Or you.” She points to Cade. “Let the police handle this. You two have done enough.”
“No.” Stepping in, Cade removes one hand from me and takes Susie’s for his own, holding it as tenderly as a son does for the only mother he’s ever had. “I was his pawn for years. I did…fucking awful things—things that will never leave me, for years. I’m going to kill him, Susie. And then everyone is going to know what he and the others did to us. They’re going to know because of me. They’re going to know because of her!”
I hear the break in his voice, but when I look up, gazing across his features, he remains strong and still. Cade won’t fall apart in front of Susie. He needs her to see him as the same untouchable, cold man who walked in the rain through her doors and not as the fractured boy I held in the room. That was just for me. I carry that little piece of him in my chest, fitting it in the spaces between my shattered heart.
Understanding that she can’t change our minds, she hands us a wad of cash that was shoved into her back pocket. I take it timidly before she pulls us both into a bone-crushing hug. For a minute, we just sink into her, absorbing the safety of her love because we don’t know if we’ll ever get it back.
“We left something for you,” I whimper into her ear. “It’s in the bathroom, beneath the sink.” It took no question, no hesitation for Cade and I to leave her a substantial portion of the money we’d stolen. There was plenty for us, at least for us to get away.
This was all we could give her—the only thing we could do to repay her for everything she’s done for us.
We move to pull out of her embrace, needing to get going, but she holds us firm, eyes confused by my last statement, but she doesn’t ask, instead whispering her final plea in our ears. “Just go, babies, or you’re going to regret it.”
Sniffling, she lets us go, knowing there is no stopping what we’re going to do. Arms folded over a heaving chest, tears finally streaming, Susie watches us drive off, her broken look matching ours.
I can’t stop myself from crying, though I try to keep it as concealed as I can, but Cade notices almost instantly. These past few weeks, he’s memorized every sound I make and studied all the movements of my muscles. Cade has explored my ins and outs. Every inch of me is stamped with his touch, with his kiss. Cade knows me, and I know him. There is no hiding.
Taking nothing but the back roads, Cade drags me across the center and lays me in his lap. My tears soak through his jeans in an instant. Knowing it won’t work, I try to dry them with a wipe of my sleeve, annoyed that it does, in fact, not do a damn thing.
“It’s okay. Leave it,” Cade says, taking my hand off his thigh to press it against his lips.
“I’m sorry,” is all I can choke out. I’m sorry for crying. I’m sorry for the situation we’re in. I’m sorry that we didn’t run when we got out…that I had the idea to get them back—that you loved me enough to follow.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” he asks, glancing down underneath his arm.
For it all is what I don’t have the strength to say, but he knows it anyway. Of course, he does.
“I would have done it for you anyway, Bun. I would do anything.”
BUNNY
“Are you sure here’s a good place?”
“It’s as good of a place as we’re gonna find,” I proclaim, eyeing the black water at the end of the West 14th Street terminal.
It took forever for us to get here through the back roads. Coupled with trying our best to remain unnoticed, my attempt at giving directions was hindered by a massive headache. I could barely see through my swollen lids. The pounding in my temples and behind my eyes made instructing him almost impossible.
At almost midnight, the water taxi has finished running for the day, leaving the docks soulless. I wait with my head down and arms crossed, making myself small against the winds that lash at my face. Beside me, our filled trash bags threaten to spill over, powerless against the breeze.
“Are we ready?” I ask.
Shoving a small chunk of broken sidewalk he found nearby against the gas pedal, Cade grumbles, “One second.” I stand back while he gets the car ready, moving out of the way once he jumps out of the driver's seat.
With his back facing me, he reaches for the first part of me he can touch. Hand pressed protectively against my stomach, Cade and I stare at the slowly accelerating vehicle, somewhat in awe of how it speeds into the crashing river. The splash of the car's front end driving into the water booms over the distant sound of traffic, but he and I are the only witnesses to its disappearance.
“You have what you need?” Cade asks, head jerking to the trash bags. Despondently, I nod, carrying everything I need inside an oversized coat. Cade does the same. The few outfits and necessities he chose to keep are wrapped in a blanket over his arms. Handing it to me, he takes the shifted bags at my feet and lugs them to the edge. We didn’t have much. Everything was either stolen from the motel’s lost and found, swiped from vacated rooms, or gifted from Susie.
We didn’t have much, but what we had was ours.
And now it sinks to the bottom of the state.
Wiping the morose emotion from my face, I take his extended hand, needing his touch to descend us into the blackened alleys. I can feel his caution as I weave us around overflowing trash bins and puddles of mysterious fluids.
“We’ll be there soon,” I assure, sparing him a glance in the dark before glaring ahead. I vaguely remember the burnt-down candy shop somewhere near here, but it’s been so long since I was allowed to come this far.
After forty minutes of walking with our heads down, I doubt my memory. Panic and frustration kick in when everything starts to look the same. It isn’t until we round the corner, avoiding the homeless who sleep under lamplight, that we finally make some progress.
Higher than the rest, I spot the apartments that were brushed with the flames. Interlocking my fingers with Cade, I pick up speed, darting us beneath the city lights until we’re huffing in front of O’Roy’s Candy Shop.
Still hanging inside its bracket, I gaze at the burnt, once-glowing letters, remembering the excitement the pink lights used to make me feel. O’Roy’s, with that big script font O, was a gift I only received twice in my life. It was magic then. Standing before it, charred, faded, and falling apart, I still feel some of that magic now.
“Come on.” I usher Cade in after me, hoping he can squeeze through the hole made at the bottom of the barricaded door. Crawling on my hands and knees, I shimmy myself through the small opening, pushing discarded trash, animal shit, and something that looks like bones out of our way.
“This is fucking disgusting,” I hear Cade mutter behind me before something goes flying off to the side. Whatever it was crashes into a pile of garbage, sending a swarm of rats scurrying all over the checkered floor. It takes everything in me to keep my scream to myself, but when one races across my fingers, I lose my courage.
Shriek bouncing across the abandoned building walls, Cade jumps to shut me up. His heavy palm slaps over my opened mouth, silencing me instantly. We freeze in that position, his hand across my lips, my back stapled to his chest, waiting to see if anyone is already hiding inside. Minutes go by without us hearing anything other than the pitter-patter of rat feet, so he lets me go and kindly helps me up.
“Is this your plan, Bun?” he asks, unimpressed. “To stay here?” We eye the ransacked store, taking in the empty shelves and strewn remnants of candy and treats.
“At least for the night,” I admit, stomping over the trash to the back exit. I explain that there should be some stairs in the back leading to the apartments above. “We can stay there.”
Without another word, he follows me to the back, where the alley looks no different from all the others. “Why didn’t we just go around?” he asks, hand on the base of my spine. I consider making up a lie for a moment, but the truth sits better on my tongue.
“I wanted to see it one more time.”
He says nothing in return, and I don’t look back to see any physical response. The comfort of his hand never leaving is all I need.
After three flights, we choose the second window we see, opting to force open the sliding frame instead of busting the glass. This time, Cade slips in before I do, making me wait in the powerful winds while he scopes out the place. When the time has ticked for too long, I poke my head inside, ready to call his name when he skirts around the corner.
“There’s still water!” I rush in after that, barely remembering to shut and latch the window before sprinting to the bathroom. Cade stands off to the side, hand under a sputtering, brownish spray. “Do you think it’ll last?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” I’m still wondering how it’s been on this long.
We don’t waste time trying to figure it out, needing to wash ourselves of the day. Neither of us speaks while the water comes down on us. We simply stand beneath the spray, rewarding ourselves with a moment to breathe.
Exhausted, Cade reaches around me and shuts off the water, the chill surrounding us becoming greater. Stepping over the ledge, Cade takes my hand, helping me out of the slippery, paint-chipped tub so I don’t slip onto a dirty floor. Before I release his hand, he pulls me into his chest, holding me still against his sternum. For a moment, we just stand there, naked and somewhat clean. His heart, steady and strong, thumps against my cheek. I press into it, easily losing myself in the rhythm.
When Cade feels my smile spreading across his skin, he tangles his fingers in my wet roots, tenderly rubbing my scalp before kissing the crown of my head.
“Come on,” he whispers against me, still holding me to his body. “Let’s see if we can make it a home for the night.”
I fall harder then, but I keep it to myself. I just hope Cade feels it when I hold on to him tighter and follow him out of the room.
I was in such a rush after him that I didn’t explore the deserted apartment. I do so now as we throw clothes over our bodies, taking in the moth-infested couch, an old, broken television, and a round coffee table that’s missing three of its legs.
Standing in the center of the living room, I slip my arms through the fitted sleeves of a red sweater while Cade goes into the next room. I hear his gag of disgust when the old refrigerator door cracks open, followed by its immediate slam shut.
“I don’t know why I did that,” I hear whispered under his breath when he passes me on the way to the next room. I glimpse into the doorway after him, noting the empty bedroom with nothing but a threadbare mattress on the ground.
“Something got to that one too,” he announces on his way out, head shaking in revulsion. I laugh away the stress as we turn back into the main room, sounding a bit frenzied. With no couch or bed, we use the edge and bottoms of our shoes to sweep away the grime on the floor. Discolored and destroyed newspapers fly across the room when Cade lays down the blanket he kept. He pays no mind to the papers as he prepares to settle down, but I do. Swiping the one closest to my feet, I catch a familiar name.
“Bun?” Cade calls out when I gasp and run, concern lacing his tone as I stop by the window. I ignore the questions he continues to throw my way, pressing against the glass, fighting for the little bit of light I have from the lamp outside.
“What is it?”
Hands shaking, I beam a broad smile, reading the faded words out loud.
“Each year, the Fighting Against Homelessness organization hosts its momentous fundraising charity event, The Mayor’s Ball. We bring together community leaders, sponsors, benefactors, and activists to raise the necessary funding to fight and put an end to our nation's homeless issue.” Pausing, I take a deep inhale, catching my breath and steadying my heartbeat. “The 1993 event will kick off at 6:00 p.m. on Saturday, June 19th, at the Wilmington Crest County Convention Center. The black-tie function promises an evening filled with enthusiasm and celebration, promising gourmet cocktails followed by a night of dinner and dancing with live entertainment!”
Cade stares at me in bewilderment, confused by what has me so excited. I stare at him with wide eyes and a slightly agape mouth, giving him time to put two and two together. After a moment of deep confusion on his part, it occurs to me that he isn’t from here and has no idea what I’m getting at.
Skirting from the window, I drop to my knees, sliding along the dusty floor until crashing into his side. “This gala,” I start, shaking the paper in my hands, “is always held on the same night, at the same time, at the same location, every year.”
“Okay?”
“Okay?” I blurt, wondering how he still doesn’t get it, how he doesn’t see the opportunity that just fell into our fucking laps. “This is in two days, Cade! Mayor Williams will be here, surrounded by his people.” The rich. The classy. The ones who pretend people like me and Cade don’t exist. “He wouldn’t suspect a thing.”
“Bunny…” he says, exasperated, more hesitant than he’s been before. “There’s no way we can get inside, and even if we do, we’d never get out alive.”
“You’re right.” I smile. “But I’ll bet you anything he doesn’t leave out the front door.”
I feel silly when Cade asks me to recite our plan again, as if we’re some sort of heroes out to save the day.
I prefer to think of us as something better than a hero. Heroes are selfish, only doing good in the brightness of the day, where everyone can see their righteous deeds. The mayor is a hero, doing all he can for those foster kids in front of the cameras while leaving them soulless at night.
We are not heroes. I will never allow us to be put in the same category.
“Mayor Williams drank a lot whenever he partook in Marone’s festivities. He enjoys a good party. So, I assume tonight will be no different. He’ll want to avoid the negative press, which means he’ll slip out through the rear exit. His guard will order the driver to meet him there.”
“I don’t want you to worry about that,” Cade says nonchalantly, pacing the floor before me. I look up at him from my place on the ground, not seeing the boy I love but the man I met in the ring. He’s cold, calculated, and I know he can’t wait to be ruthless.
For hours, we go over every scenario, playing out what can go wrong and what we hope will go right. We’ve killed three, and this is the first time we acknowledge that we may not come out of this one alive.
To that, I only have one answer.
“I’d rather die than let either of them have one more child.”
Bending at the waist, Cade takes me by the chin. “I got you.”
Until the end.
BUNNY
“It’s getting late, Bun. Maybe we should call it and get some sleep. We can try some other night.”
"No.” I nod, fingernail between my teeth, eyes locked on the back exit. “It has to be tonight. You don’t understand. This is probably our only chance, Cade! When is an opportunity like this going to happen for us again? It’s not! It has to be now.”
“Alright. Alright. I wasn’t trying to talk you out of this. We’re going to get this fucker. I was just… I don’t know. Maybe we could have a normal night together. We could eat, laugh…dance. It would be nice.” Grabbing my hand, he takes my finger from my mouth, licking away the blood from a cut cuticle before peppering it with kisses. “Don’t you think?”
I melt at the idea, picturing the two of us completely concealed within the New York crowd. “I would love that,” I admit, taking his hand to return the kiss. “But after. Once these fuckers are gone. Then we’d have no one to worry about. Nothing tying us to this life.”
The smile remains on his lips, but I don’t miss the slight drop. “Okay, Bun.”
The drop in the conversation leaves me hollow. I feel so fucking shitty for disappointing him, but I just… I can’t walk away from this. We’re right here. He’s right here. I can’t let him slip through my fingers.
The gala goes on well into the night. Music never dies, laughs never cease, and nobody leaves. We’ve waited in the shadows behind the convention center for hours, watching the staff going in and out for their smoke break. With a lit cigarette in between their fingers and trash in the other hand, we listen to their conversations about the chaos inside, how the alcohol flows. How there’s much more going on inside than the charitable affairs they’ve all gathered for.
“Did you see Mayor Williams?!” the young server exclaims, a nervous giggle trapped behind her fingers. “He was all over that young girl! He wouldn’t let her off his lap, even when her father, Councilman Aarons,. came!”
