Just Breathe Anthology, page 28
“Why are you following me, Ena?” I ask impatiently.
“I want to talk to you,” she answers snippily.
“I’ll talk to you at work tomorrow,” I say, turning to carry on walking.
Ena’s hand on my elbow stops me, and I tense at the contact because her palm on my bare skin feels like a fucking brand.
I pull my arm out of her grip, staring at her. “Don’t. I can’t. Fucking…No!”
I’m almost tempted to show her, to see what her face looks like illuminated by my flames. I bet she’ll look even more stunning in the light and shadows of fire.
“Tomorrow,” Ena says, and I know I won’t get out of it like I hoped.
By the time I’m home, I’m on edge and desperate. I burn through nearly a whole box of matches before I can calm down enough to think about what happened with Ena, and the talk she wants to have tomorrow. I’m not sure she believed my denial; I think the both of us know the real answer. Rattle. Scrape. Hiss. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Am I a pyromaniac? Yes.
Chapter 4
Aiden
I barely slept at all last night, haunting dreams of flames and my brother occupy my mind, keeping me from rest. I tossed and turned in the sheets until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I threw them off and spent the night at a local abandoned warehouse burning anything I could find without attracting attention. I watched the flames eat, consume, and turn everything they touched to ash. I found peace in the darkness, the way the fire tossed up sparking ash, and the embers, which glowed brightly at the base as it died down.
I’m walking to work when I feel the calm that flowed through me start to ebb, and wariness begins to settle in my stomach. Ena will be there, and the thought of her asking questions puts me on edge. I have to stop to release some of the tension and relieve the flaring itch beneath my skin. I duck into the same alley I stopped in yesterday and where Ena caught me. Rattle. Scrape. Hiss. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I open the door and walk into the office I share with Ena. She isn’t here yet, so for now I can breathe and try to come up with some sort of explanation for what she saw. The truth burns through my veins, hot, angry, and I feel it singeing my throat like acid. I need this job, to feel close to the flames and to Nathan who didn’t survive them. His death was ruled an accident, but the loss didn’t dim the need I felt to play with fire, instead it was ignited and fanned into life inside my soul.
The door clicks shut, snapping me out of my memories and back into the present. I look up to see Ena standing at my desk with a serious look on her face. Fuck, I don’t want to talk about this with her, but it looks like I’m going to have to.
“You’ve got to talk to me, Aiden. You’ve put me in a difficult position here. In our line of work, I can’t have you working with me if you are going to be a hazard to the job. I’m not going to ask you that question again, because I know damn well what the answer is, and it isn’t “no.” Is it under control, or am I going to have to let you go?” Ena says in a low voice.
I look away from her, inhale deeply, then meet her gaze.
“It’s under control. I'm not going to be a hazard to the job.”
Ena raises an eyebrow and bites the corner of her bottom lip, and I suddenly find myself wondering what she would do if I kissed her. Would she ignite under my touch and burst into flames alongside me?
“Why did you want to become a fire investigator?” I ask.
I'm curious to see if she's like me and unable to let go of an enthrallment with fire, or whether she had other motivations. Ena tenses and blushes at my question, and without answering, she spins on her heel, walks to her desk, sits down and starts rummaging through her files. A smile twitches at the edge of my lips, which threatens to break free, but I tamper it down. Ena’s lack of response has told me everything I need to know.
Is Ena a pyromaniac? Yes.
I get to work, losing myself in photographs, files, and details about fires that have happened in the area. Nothing jumps out as suspicious, and all seem to be accidental causes. I lean back in my seat with my eyes closed and take a deep breath. This is my comfort, another way of release when I can’t spend the day burning matches or smoking myself to a slow death. Fire, effect, cause. The photos reel through my mind like a tape until I can’t take it anymore.
“I’m going out for a smoke,” I say, getting up and darting outside.
I need something to take the edge off. I can feel the itch to burn. Instead, I go straight for my cigarettes, flicking the Zippo to life with a click and scrape of flint and metal. Breathe in. Breathe out. I watch the tip glow and listen to the soft crackle as I draw deeply from it before exhaling the stream of smoke from my lungs. Breathe in. Breathe out; until there is nothing left but the ashen tip.
Chapter 5
Aiden
Rattle. Scrape. Hiss. Breathe in. Breathe out. I told her that I wouldn’t be a hazard to the job, and it’s true. But, truthfully? I don’t feel like I have these urges of mine under control. I can feel my sanity slowly slipping away from me like a slow leak from a gas pipe; one spark and I’ll disappear in a flare of light and heat. The nightmares are getting worse, more frequent, and I’m losing myself to the flames of an impulse that's steadily raging out of control.
Three times this week I nearly burned down the warehouse I frequent when I allowed the fires to become a little wilder than I usually let them grow. Dreams of reds, yellows, and oranges, swirling in a tempting mixture are sending me ever closer to the edge. I need to regain control, or I’ll be committed again for my desires. But even when I was in the hospital back then, the urges were never so potent, and they didn’t flare through me as often as they do now.
I’m racing against the fires of my own desire, fighting back the memories of Nathan and how his obsession slowly consumed his mind and eventually his body. My soul feels blackened and charred, and as it hardens like molten rock, I feel it cracking until I am unrecognizable from the person I used to be inside. Time is creeping ever closer to the moment I will burn brightest before my flame is finally extinguished.
A knock on my apartment door breaks me free from my consuming thoughts, and clarity settles over me for the first time in what feels like forever. I drag my feet as I head to the door, unlocking it. When I open the door, I feel as though I’ve been doused with cold water as icy tendrils of shock spread through my veins like wildfire. Ena is standing on the doorstep, concern is written across her features, but her eyes carry a wariness I'm all too familiar with.
I lean against the doorframe, crossing my arms as I look her up and down, taking in the casual black clothing that adorns her body and contrasts shockingly against her pale skin. I suddenly want to see her framed with flames, to see how her skin would illuminate in firelight.
Her soft voice snaps me back to the present, and I realize she’s walked into my apartment and taken a seat on my couch. I close the door and lock it behind me. Anxiety flares at Ena’s presence in my space, but I can’t find the ability to turn her away either. My fingers are itching to strike some matches.
“Aiden, are you okay?” Ena asks, and I startle at the sight of her now standing right behind me.
I blink, and focus on her face, noticing that her eyes are a pretty amber color. They are bright like fire, and I'm reminded that it burns through Ena too. Leaning forward, I catch a scent of ash and the fresh smell of wood-fire on her clothes, which I haven’t noticed before. I glance at the unlit burner in the corner and find myself wanting to inhale her scent instead, to breathe her in and see if it calms my raging thoughts.
Ena doesn’t back away or say a word, and as my forehead touches hers, I find myself delving a hand into my pocket. Rattle. Scrape. Hiss. Breathe in. Breathe out. My eyes don’t leave hers as I watch the fire dance in the reflection of her irises. The match burns down, singeing my fingertips, and I blow it out, which is when I notice the curve of a slight smile on her lips.
“Firebug,” I whisper, as I press my mouth against hers in a kiss that sets me alight with a desperate hunger I haven’t felt for far too long.
Chapter 6
Aiden
Ena pulls away, breaking the kiss and stealing a little piece of my fire at the same time.
“Aiden, I can’t. I can’t do this with you, and it’s not just because we work together. This is hard enough to fight as it is, and I’d only be dancing the line of temptation to pursue this with you,” Ena says with a desperate edge to her voice, and I can hear the ache hiding just underneath.
I watch her silently, waiting for her to decide what she wants to do next. It takes everything inside of me not to snatch her back up again, hold her tightly to me, and sear her lips with another kiss.
Ena hesitates, biting her lip and looking back at me with uncertainty blazing in her eyes. She groans and throws herself back into my arms, and kisses me with a heat that incinerates me where I stand. I draw her closer to me, and I move to press her up against the bare wall. My hands find the hem of her tee, and when I run my calloused fingertips across the sliver of exposed skin at her waist, she shivers at the roughness of my gentle touch.
Ena’s fingers twist in my hair, and I deepen the kiss further, splaying a hand across the bare skin of her back beneath her tee. I move the other to her waist, and I arch her up into me until there is no room between us and our bodies are molded together. The heat of her body against me is addictive, and I can’t get enough of the sensation of her soft body flush with mine. I groan into her mouth, feeling a long-forgotten lust scorch a pathway through my blood.
Once again, Ena breaks the kiss, but this time she doesn’t pull away. She gasps as I move down her neck, biting and sucking the smooth skin while she clings to me. My hair feels like it’s being pulled out by the roots with how hard she's gripping it, but I welcome the pain and the way it grounds me in reality.
“Aiden, we shouldn’t do this. But damn it, I’m not going to stop you,” Ena moans, raking her nails down the back of my neck.
I close my eyes at the sensation, breathing her in for a moment. I lift her up and carry her to the bedroom where I lay her down on the bed and lean over to kiss her again. Fuck, she's so beautiful, and my mind races with everything I want to do with her. All other needs are forgotten as I indulge myself in this woman beneath me.
A while later Ena is curled up next to me asleep with her arm thrown over my still sweaty body, but I can’t settle my thoughts long enough to fall asleep with her. I know that when she wakes up, she will regret what happened tonight, but I won’t regret a single second of it. It’s been so long since I connected with someone on any level, and my mind is spinning with a stream of memories, desires, and thoughts of Ena.
The way she moved beneath me was entrancing, and every passionate moan and gasp that escaped her lips, sent sparks sizzling through my blood. When she finally came undone, it was with such wild abandon it reminded me of the raging fires that consume all they touch, and I was the source of her blaze.
Making sure not to disturb Ena, I reach for the nightstand drawer and pull out one of my matchboxes, I carefully draw out the match and strike it. Rattle. Scrape. Hiss. Breathe in. Breathe out. The only difference between now and every other time is that I don’t inhale the scent of the matches, I breathe her in.
Chapter 7
Aiden
In the morning I’m woken by the sound of a door closing, and when I open my eyes I notice that Ena is absent from my arms. The space where she slept is still slightly warm, so she hasn't long left me. Sighing, I get up and walk into the small bathroom to take a shower. After turning the water on, I stand under the spray and scrub my body as it slowly heats up, filling the small room with steam and the scent of my body wash. When the water reaches the preset temperature, I stand there a few moments more, letting it heat my skin until it feels like I'm standing under a waterfall of fire.
Taking deep breaths, I slowly reduce the temperature to a lower setting to cool my reddened skin and to lift the heat from my flesh. I don't do this very often, but some days I need to feel the burn. Even though I knew she would leave, Ena’s hasty escape from my arms without a goodbye speaks volumes and it stings my heart.
I lie down on the bed with a towel wrapped around me and think about the first time I ever did that to myself with the hot water. It was several years after losing Nathan when everything started to feel like it was closing in on me. Some days, my mother would barely talk to me, and when I found some photos of Nathan that were taken a few months before his death, I knew why. It was because I looked just like him.
I ended up in the hospital that day. My mom was livid that I’d done it although luckily I hadn’t seriously harmed myself. But, when she eventually discovered the matches, candles, and lighter fluid stashed in my room… that’s when she sent me to a counselor. However, even they couldn’t help me move past the loss and the urges that it sparked inside my heart. My brother was gone, and the legacy he left me when I was six years old was one of flames and ashes.
Thinking of the past makes me feel on edge, the rejection and subsequent betrayal from my mom still hurts, throbbing in my chest like a fresh burn on my skin. I roll over into a sitting position on the edge of the bed and pull out the box of matches from the drawer. Rattle. Scrape. Hiss. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Sometimes when I’m alone it’s hard to breathe. Ena’s rejection pulls me back into memories of the last time someone I thought cared about me turned around and abandoned me. I can’t understand why Ena left me the way she did when she's just like me. My own mom couldn’t handle my desires and obsession, so she had me committed. I thought Ena would at least understand me, but she still left me here without a word or explanation.
My phone buzzes on the nightstand with a text and I pick it up, frowning at it because I’m not expecting anyone to contact me. My heart races when I see Ena’s name flash up on the screen, and I quickly swipe across to read her message. I read it twice, just to be sure I understand her words clearly while they cut through my heart.
We shouldn’t take this any further than one night. I’m not ready to have anything serious, and you are so not prepared to let go of this impulse and need. You are not in control, and I can’t run the risk of having a relapse, not even for you. I’m sorry Aiden. I hope one day you get the help you need like I did.
Ena x
“Fuck!” I shout into the empty apartment.
As her words sink in, I hurl the phone at the wall, watching it shatter as I vaguely wonder how it would look if I set it alight and watched the pieces melt into obscurity.
You are not in control.
I look down at my hand, which still holds the matchbox, only now it feels like it’s burning a hole in my palm, and I close my eyes tightly against the pain in my chest. Ena is right, I'm not in control. But for a long time I’ve managed to convince everyone around me, including myself, that I am. As I open my hand and pull out a new match, pristine and ready to be struck, I let the darkness of my desires take over, and find that I'm struggling to make myself care about the facade anymore.
Rattle. Scrape. Hiss.
Chapter 8
Aiden
I’m sweating while I stand in front of the fire that’s burning in the warehouse, trying to find my center within the flames and reground myself in reality. But the will isn’t there. I'm dying to lose myself in it all and forget everything but the flicker and crackle as it consumes the fuel I feed it. I didn’t go to work today, but Ena’s text was enough to tell me that I wouldn’t need to go back there today, or any day soon, I suspect.
I kick at a loose piece of debris. The thought of her text reminds me about the wreckage of my phone that's sitting in my pocket, waiting to be burned into nothing, and mirroring how I feel. I hurl the pieces onto the fire and watch them melt into an unrecognizable mess of liquid and metal.
Days like these are the hardest, when the loneliness and bitterness fills my blood until it’s like acid and burns a path straight through to my heart. Sometimes I can break myself free of these feelings that eat away at me, but today I can’t find it in me to even try and fight the urges that war in my brain.
Rattle. Scrape. Hiss. Breathe in. Breathe out. Even that small motion is an effort when my chest aches for oxygen, and my head starts to spin as the smoke filling the room thickens like an encroaching fog. Is it time to leave already? I can hear the sirens in the distance, and I manage to rouse myself from where I’m sat, next to the inferno that's starting to blaze out of control.
I burst out of the back door and take ragged breaths of clean air before I hasten away from the warehouse. I never meant to let it go that far, but I can’t seem to find the tentative balance and control I once had. The matches help, but even they aren’t satisfying the all consuming need growing out of control inside me that’s smothering all other thoughts.
I stop when I can no longer hear the sirens, I lean against a wall and shakily pull out my cigarettes and Zippo. I light the small stick with the rhythmic click and scrape, sucking in the toxic fumes and exhaling them slowly, trying to calm the racing of my heart until I can no longer hear it pounding in my ears.
Ena will know it was me, so I need to get out of this place before she can track me down. It was stupid of me to get involved with her and to let that happen, just now, at the warehouse, but I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I needed to feel close to someone, after Ena pushed me away just like my mother did, and I wanted to find my brother. Nathan was there, dancing in the flames, perpetually thirteen years old, but not even the charred bones and ashes of the smoldering wood could truly bring him back to me.
