Protective Phlox, page 15
“I won’t, but we need to go to the doctor,” I said, scooping Cutter up and holding him with one arm.
“I don’t want to go, Dad,” he said, and those five words almost broke me. How the hell had Savannah done this all alone?
“I have an idea to cheer you up, Cutter,” Aaron said as we walked to the car. Cutter still hadn’t cried, but his tear-filled eyes turned to look at Aaron. “I understand you like hockey?” Cutter nodded. “Well, since you’re going to be a big boy and let the doctor look at your arm, I’m going to get us seats for the Kings playoff game tomorrow night. Would you like that?”
“Really?” His eyes bugged out, and Aaron nodded.
“Really, and you can eat as many hotdogs as you want,” Aaron said. I didn’t say anything, but he was already well on his way to, at the very least, being an amazing uncle.
“Can we, Dad?”
“Only if we get your arm all fixed up. Besides, your mom wouldn’t want you in pain, and we don’t want her to worry, do we?”
“No,” he said, his voice soft.
The guard opened the back door of my stretch SUV, and I sat Cutter inside before whispering to Aaron. “Now look who is using bribery?”
He shrugged and smiled. “It worked.”
Now, I could only hope that bribery worked on Savannah so she didn’t kill me.
Chapter
Nineteen
SAVANNAH
My mother always found ways to hurt me, and it didn’t seem to matter the occasion. At some point, I’d turned off the part of me that hurt, but I hadn’t been so successful in shutting down the anger. My life had felt like one long fight that never ended, and yet I still looked out for her and took care of her because…because she was my mother, and I didn’t believe in just walking away. But it was hard. There was so much hurt that lay between us, and each step that I took to close the gap was greeted with broken glass beneath my feet.
“I’m not staying here like I’m some decrepit old person,” my mother said.
“You just got out of open-heart surgery a few hours ago. Where do you think you’re going to go?” I crossed my arms, already frustrated. Only she could make my blood boil like this. Well, maybe her and Nathan, but at least when he did it, it came off sexy, and I was slightly less murderous.
“Well, I’ll go home, of course. I’ve been looking after myself for a long time. I don’t need a team of nurses and doctors hovering over me and telling me what to do,” she said, but it was her shaking hand that caught my eye.
“This has nothing to do with this place, the team looking after you, or even the care you’re going to receive. If you’re going to argue about your care, at least be honest about why you want out of here,” I said, crossing my arms and hating that I was already put in this position.
I was always the bad guy, the nag, the annoying daughter who poked her nose into other people’s business where it didn’t belong. Maybe I was. Maybe that was what made me a good agent, or did anyway, but the point was it didn’t make what I said wrong.
“I don’t know what you’re trying to insinuate, but I am telling the truth.” Mother went to move and sucked in a gasp as the pain hit.
“No, you’re not. The only reason you’re not in extreme pain is the morphine being dripped into you. Not only that, but the doctor gave strict orders not to lift anything. You need to take it easy. Besides, you have five to six weeks of rehabilitation, and you won’t be able to go home for that either.”
“What? No, that’s not possible. I need to go home. I’m not dying in some hospital alone, although I know that’s what you’re probably hoping for,” she argued while the monitor jumped all over the place.
Taking a deep breath and pushing aside all my personal feelings, I sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed her hand. Staring into her eyes brought back so many memories that I tried to bury. The problem was that the past was never truly gone. It would always remain locked away in my brain until, out of nowhere, the pain would seep out and grip me by the throat.
AGE 13
“Where the hell do you think you’re going at this time of night?”
I glanced at the time and then at my mom sitting on the couch. She was still dressed in her best outfit that she wore to go to lunch with her friends from the country club.
“It’s eight o’clock,” I said, confused. “Tammi and her mom are coming to pick me up for the movies, don’t you remember? You said that my new curfew is eleven. It’s Friday,” I continued as her face twisted in confusion. I’d just turned thirteen, and it felt like such a big deal to be dropped off at the theater for the late show with my friend and to stay alone until we were picked up.
“I know what day of the week it is. I don’t need you to tell me like I’m some idiot.” She sipped the glass of red wine, her eyes furious, and I didn’t know what I’d done. “You’ll have to call Tammi and cancel.”
“What? Why? You said….”
“I don’t care what I said. I changed my mind. Only whores go out this late at night. Go to your room.”
AGE 17
“Are you going to wear that out?”
I looked down at my new summer outfit that I’d spent hours trying to find for the senior summer party. Getting invited was a huge deal, and Kevin had asked me even though I was a junior.
“Yeah. Why does it have a stain?”
“No, you look fat,” Mom said and continued playing her crossword. “When you’re out, can you get me a pack of smokes?” My mouth fell open, and tears filled my eyes. She looked up, her face twisting into disgust as he looked at me. “Why are you crying? It’s a tough world out there, and no one is going to care if they hurt your feelings, so I’d get over yourself now.”
AGE 19
My wallet was out on the table. I grabbed it and looked inside. “Did you take my money?”
“My money, you live under my roof. We needed groceries.” Walking over to the fridge, I yanked open the door, but it still had the same five items. I proceeded to do the same thing to each of the cupboards. “What are you doing?”
“Where are the groceries, huh? You hiding them?” I slammed the last cupboard closed and marched over to the spot where I knew she liked to hide her stash of alcohol.
“What are you doing? Get out of there,” she growled as I pulled out the three brand-new bottles of her favorite gin.
“Groceries, huh? Are we on a liquid diet now?” Marching over to the sink, I twisted the first cap and turned the bottle upside down before grabbing the second one. Mom was out of her seat and dashed across the room like it was an Olympic sport.
“Stop, you can’t do that.” She tried yanking the bottle out of my hand, but I turned it over, and we ended up in a tug-o-war. I let go to grab the third one instead, and she stumbled back. The bottle slipped and smashed on the tile floor.
“You bitch,” she cried, and my head snapped to the side as she slapped me.
Holding my cheek, I glared at her. “I’m done. I’m sick of this. I’m leaving tonight.”
AGE 25
“What the hell do you mean you threw Shawn out?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Up until this moment, my mother hadn’t cared if I dated anyone, let alone was engaged to Shawn. She always acted like he was a waste of time and space, and now here she was, defending him?
“He broke my heart, has been freeloading off of me since he got laid off from work, and he’s been cheating on me with a neighbor…for months. There’s nothing else to understand. I threw him out of the house along with all of his shit.” She sighed heavily on the other end of the line, and I could feel the old twinges of anger and resentment beginning to boil up. “So you know, I’m leaving town for a few weeks. I have a case,” I said, leaving out the part where I’d been put on leave for holding a gun to Shawn’s head and threatening him.
My boss didn’t agree that shooting a vase only needed a mild warning, and I apparently had anger issues. Arguing that he would’ve done worse if it was his wife didn’t get me very far.
“I’ve seen how devastated he is, Savannah. It just seems a shame to throw your entire relationship away because of a little infidelity.”
I shook my head, not believing what I was hearing. “Where the hell did you see Shawn?”
“He came by to visit and wanted to talk. He asked me to talk to you since you refuse to answer his calls.”
“He went to see you? And you believed his bullshit? Mom, this wasn’t a drunken oops, not that that is any better, but this was planned. The two of them have been sneaking around while I was at work for months. I didn’t think you even liked Shawn. Why the hell do you care that I left him?”
“I care because he’s a decent guy who made a mistake and wants a second chance. Come on, Savannah, let’s be real. It’s not like you can do better. You should apologize and take him back.”
The words were a slap to the face and a punch to the gut at the same time. I turned around to stare at my phone across the room—as if my mother could see the shock and hurt through my earbuds. Once upon a time, I would’ve cried. I would’ve locked myself in my room and wondered how I could be better, someone she loved, but not anymore. I was so through with her.
“Guys are guys, Savannah, and they’re going to make mistakes. But I know he loves you, which is a feat because you’re hard to love. If your sister were alive, she’d already be married and have three grandbabies for me to spoil by now.”
“That is a low blow bringing Elle into it, even for you. I’m not sure why I bother to tell you anything. You’ve never supported me or seen my side. You put me down and call me names, and I don’t understand why when I’ve been nothing but a great daughter. No matter what I do, it’s never enough, and my mistake has been thinking that at some point, you may love me. Maybe when you’re not drinking, but we both know you love your bottle more.”
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that. You’ve always been an ungrateful child.”
“No, I haven’t, and I’m not a child, not anymore. You know what’s glorious about being an adult, Mom? I don’t have to put up with you bullying me anymore.”
Without wasting another breath on her, I hit the power button on my earbud and closed my eyes. No matter what words came from my mouth, at the end of the day, I’d always held out hope that my mother would change, that she would want to do better, be better.
Over and over, I tried to get her help, covered for her, cleaned her up, or got her to bed, but there came a time when you needed to put yourself first, and I was at that point. I had to stop letting her damage my soul because she was an alcoholic.
What killed me was that when she was sober and dry for longer than a week, she was a sweet person and the mother I’d always wanted. Which, of course, was how she always drew me back into her web. But, when she was drinking, she was vile, emotionally manipulative, and narcissistic.
The definition of stupid was doing something the same way over and over and expecting a different result. I was done looking like an idiot and being treated like a punching bag for her addiction. She was a whole grown-ass adult, and it was time she looked after herself. The sad reality was that she would always blame me for everything wrong in her life as long as she continued to choose the bottle over everything else.
Throwing the rest of my clothes into my suitcase. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door to California. I had a mafia family to investigate. I was positive they had killed Alex, and I was determined to find out why and get justice for my brother.
“Idon’t want you to die, Mom. That’s why I’m getting you the best care that I can.”
She huffed and narrowed her dove-grey eyes at me, the same color as Elle’s. I couldn’t help wondering if my mother wished I was the one who had been killed and not my sister. That thought, and the emotions that accompanied it were always right under the surface, raw and ready to rip open.
“Mom, just breathe. We will get through this,” I said. She looked at me and then rolled her head away.
“No, we won’t. You’ll be here a day or two and then disappear again. Leaving me alone like you always do. I’m in the hospital, and you couldn’t even be bothered to bring my grandson to see me? I haven’t seen Cutter since he was a few months old. I bet he doesn’t even know who I am anymore.”
“Mom, please don’t be so dramatic. We talked to you every other weekend by video chat. Of course, he knows who you are. I’ve never tried to cut my son out of your life, but I couldn’t bring him with me.”
“A video chat is not the same,” she said and tugged her hand out of my hold. The same cold stare she’d given me ever since I could remember returned to her eyes. It was only like that with me. To the rest of the world, she was the warmest, funniest, and kindest person they’d ever met.
“I don’t want to fight with you. Can we just sit here and talk about your bingo night or what you plan to grow in the garden this year?”
“Please, you hate listening to me chat about my interests.” She waved her hand as if shooing me away. “I’m done talking for now, and I’m tired. Is Shawn here?”
All the hackles rose on the back of my neck. “Yes, he is. He’s out in the waiting area.”
I had to ask, unable to help myself. “When were you planning on telling me that you’d made my ex-fiancé your emergency contact? If you wanted someone close by, why not ask one of your dozens of friends? You had to choose my ex, who I never wanted to see or hear from again?”
“Please, the two of you would’ve been married by now if you hadn’t been so stubborn. That boy was the best thing to ever happen to you, and you were lucky to have him. Now look at you, an aging single mother. You’ll end up alone with a dozen cats next.” I stood from the bed, needing distance, and her eyes followed me. “It’s not right that you keep his son from him like that. You really can be a vindictive bitch when you want to be.”
I squeezed my fist so tight that my nails bit into the palm of my hand and watched as her hand shook.
“I’ve told you, time and again, Cutter is not Shawn’s son. Why will you not believe that?”
“Please, do you really expect me to believe that you got pregnant by another man a couple of weeks after you threw Shawn out into a winter storm where he could’ve frozen to death?”
“That’s what you’re worried about? Okay, you know what, this is just another fight I’m never going to win, so believe whatever you want.” I grabbed my jacket and purse from the chair. “I’ll send your not blood-related, doting, and wonderful ex-almost-son-in-law in.”
Marching for the door, I looked over my shoulder when my mother called my name. “Are you planning on getting me out of this place, or are you going to hold me captive?”
I smirked at the phrasing, considering I’d felt like a prisoner with her my entire life. “No, I’m not letting you go home. Call me all the names you want, but you’ll stay here for the week. I’ll come back to say goodbye before I leave town.”
“Where are you living? Are you not moving back?”
“I’m not talking to you about this right now.” Walking out before I smothered her to death, I found Shawn sitting right in the empty waiting area. He was staring at Goran like the man was going to leap across the open space between them and kill him. Guards lingered in every corner, hands neatly folded in front of them. Getting used to this was going to be difficult.
Nathan had, at some point, decided that it would be best if he purchased the entire floor for the week while I was here, so now my mother was completely alone other than the two nurses personally assigned to her.
He really did love going above and beyond to the point of ridiculousness. Did he really think the little eighty-year-old that would’ve been across the hall was going to jump out of bed and turn into an assassin?
My phone buzzed, and I smiled as I pulled it out and was greeted with an adorable pic of the troublemaker himself and Cutter. They were eating ice cream and smiling for the camera. The nickname I didn’t understand. YSAH. What the heck did that mean?
YSAH: Thought you’d like to know we are having a good time, but miss you.
S: I miss you two as well. Question. What does YSAH mean, and did you put it in my phone?
YSAH: I did, and you’ll have to figure it out. Telling you would be too easy.
S: Seriously?
YSAH: It will be a fun game to keep your mind busy while I’m not there to keep you from getting bored.
S: True, boring is not a word I would ever use to describe being with you. I’ll message you when I get to the hotel. Tell Cutter I love and miss him.
YSAH: Just Cutter?
Smirking at my phone, I could see Shawn glaring at me from the corner of my eye. There was something so satisfying about pissing him off.
S: I guess you’ll have to wait and see. Telling you would just be too easy.
YSAH: Touche
S: Thanks for the pic. I needed it.
YSAH: LV U
My heart fluttered like a teenager over their first crush with the simple little message.
S: LV U 2
Stuffing the phone into my pocket, I walked the remaining distance to Goran and Shawn. Goran stood, his large size towering over the top of me.
“Are you ready to leave?”
“More than ready.” I looked at Shawn. “She wants to see you. Feel free to stay as long as you like. In fact, keep it up, and she’ll put you in the will over me. Not that I care. I don’t want anything from her.”
