What Makes You Beautiful, page 5
I kicked him in the shins just like I learned in self defense 101.
I get up from the seat and make a run for it.
13 Piece of Innocence Lost
I don’t see any of my friends when I escape to the main floor. I try calling Jennifer, needing to talk. But my call goes straight to voicemail. I leave the dance without saying goodbye to anyone.
The trip home is mostly a blur. My parents are already in bed when I get there. I strip off all my clothes and throw them into my hamper the moment I get to my room.
I come back to myself in the shower. My skin is red from the hot water and raw from the number of times I’ve washed it. I brush my teeth multiple times, trying to get the taste of the guy’s mouth out of my own.
My face feels wet and I feel dirty. I wish that I could undo the past few hours of my life. I was stupid for failing to see the signs of a creep. I shudder when I recall the things he said. They made me feel like I’m a thing to be used because I’m Asian. And the way he touched me. I didn’t like it at all. It wasn’t just because it was him. Partly it was because it wasn’t what I wanted, from anyone. I felt sick to my stomach when he reached between my legs. In all the fan fiction I read, the guys are into it.
Maybe I’m just broken. I’ll just die alone with a bunch of cats.
I could really use a cuddle right now from one of my friends.
* * *
Morning comes and I feel more normal. I check my phone and see messages from all of the guys. They wonder where I disappeared to. And Jennifer apologizes that her phone battery died while she was on her date.
I respond to the guys, saying I’m alive but went home a little early. I feel like I’d ruin their amazing nights if I tell them what happened to me so I don’t mention it. Then I ask Jennifer if we can talk about something that happened at the dance. She messages me back, saying we can talk when we get to school.
While taking the Bloor subway, I have time to think about what happened. The whole thing with that guy was pretty bad. I’ve never felt as dirty and ugly as I did last night. Yet for some reason, I’m not feeling that upset over being groped and hearing creepy racist things. At least, that’s not all that I’m upset about.
When I arrive at Rosedale, I seek out Jennifer right away. As usual, she has her leather jacket on. Her lips are painted gold today. She offers me a hug and then pulls me into her arms. “Hey, so what went down at Buddies?” Her tone of voice makes me think I must look fragile.
I frown. “I almost hooked up with a guy. It wasn’t good.”
“Oh, honey. Did he force himself on you?” Her forehead is creased with concern.
I explain as best I can what went on. From the ways everyone went out to dance to the guy coming on pretty strong. Kyle and Stephanie coming out of a bathroom. The kissing and the grope. And a little on how it made me feel.
When I’m done telling everything, I look at Jennifer. She seems pretty angry. “If I ever meet this guy,” she says, “I’m cutting off his balls. He’s scum. Racist scum. And everything he did was not okay! You deserve better. So much better!”
“I don’t know about that . . .” I mumble. “Maybe I’m too weird to be dateable.”
Jennifer doesn’t look like she believes that. “Remember when I told you about all those girls not into me? I’ve been where you’ve been. From the moment I came out, all the cool, trendy queer girls didn’t see me as sexy enough to date. No matter how fabulous I dress, they end up dating girls who look nothing like me. One of them asked me if I came out to get attention. She wanted to know why I hadn’t kissed a girl yet. She didn’t get that I don’t have unlimited choices. I don’t know how I met Jin-Seon, but I feel blessed.”
It’s my chance to change the topic and lighten the mood. “So could you tell me more about your date with Jin-Seon? You two sound really cute together. Cuter even than Robin and Micah. But don’t tell them I said that.”
It works. Jennifer tells me how she and Jin-Seon went to the Bata Shoe Museum. She gushes about how much of a weirdo nerd Jin-Seon is.
I’m really happy Jennifer has found someone awesome. But I’m still alone.
14 Ever Dreamed Of
The midterm performance is coming up soon. We’re at the stage where we are fine-tuning our sound.
Toward the end of practice, Ms. Brown has some announcements. “Thank you all for all your hard work these past couple months. We sound so close to perfection. Keep up the good work. I know that we’ll impress the school. And there may be a few talent seekers in the audience . . .” Her lips quirk up in a teasing smile.
“And don’t forget,” she goes on. “Auditions for the school musical are tomorrow. I’m really excited that we managed to score the rights to do Phantom of the Opera! And since we have a lot of LGBT people in this school, I’m encouraging everyone to transgress gender and sexuality! Try playing around with the gender and sexuality of the characters when you audition. It’ll be fun! You’re all very talented. I know that we’re going to kill it! All right. Go home. Try not to put off thinking about auditioning. And as always, drink lots of water and keep those vocal cords lubricated!”
As people pack up to head home, I ask the guys and Jennifer what parts they are going to audition for. Robin grins and jumps right in. “I’m going to do a very gay Raoul. If Christine is a girl, he’s going to be her gay best friend from childhood instead of her intended love interest. They’re going to have a lavender marriage because he can’t be openly gay. He gets a beard so he can find a boyfriend and Christine gets financial support and to live with her best friend.”
“I’d kill to do a lady Phantom,” Jennifer muses. “Think about it! She’s rejected as an outcast because of her scars and because she’s a raging dyke. She falls for Christine’s voice but doesn’t know if Christine likes the ladies. Especially a lady with a scarred face. It’ll be like the book version of Wicked — but actually gay.”
I see Kyle talking to his girlfriend and feel a twinge. I want that. I want to be touched like that. I want a guy to look at me like that. It’s really confusing, but I just want to feel . . . pretty. That’s how I want to be loved.
I feel someone sling an arm around me and turn to see Drew’s warm smile. “Hey, Logan, what part do you want to audition for? I thought it would be fun to be Madame Giry. She’s not a very big part. But she’s the one who keeps the secret of the Phantom. And I think I’d look cute as a strict ballet instructor.”
I snuggle into Drew’s side. I relish the physical contact. It’s still a little weird for me, but everyone is becoming pretty touchy feely in this group. “Um, I really want to be Christine. It’s actually one of my dream roles. And I could be a gay twink Christine with Raoul. Or a lesbian with the Phantom if Jennifer gets the part.”
And then everyone is babbling in excitement. It’s like fandom, with everyone talking about the feels, the character head canons of who they read as what identity and who’s paired with whom. I look away from them all, a little embarrassed. When the clamour dies down, I ask Micah, “You’re the last one here. What do you want to be?”
Micah shrugs and slings his pansy-printed backpack over his shoulder. “I’m good with whatever. Maybe Meg Giry? I know I look good in ballet tights. I still have a musical to be in two years from now. This is for the rest of you. It’s your time to shine.”
“Awww, but I want you to have fun, too,” Robin says. “Maybe we could be Carlotta and Piangi so we can sing together. I can see us as stuck-up opera singers together. Although I’m not sure which I’d like better. Being sassy and loud, or getting to die a gruesome death on stage.”
Robin’s gaze falls on Kyle and Stephanie and his lips curve into a sardonic smile. He is planning something. And I know I won’t like it.
I shoot him a glare and he flips me the bird. “Hey,” he says. “Maybe if we can drag Kyle away from Stephanie, we can hang out at Micah’s place. His parents have a sweet entertainment room for Netflix and platonic chilling.”
“Can I bring the girl I’m dating?” Jennifer asks. “Even if you’re all pretty gay, there’s too much testosterone in this group.” She rolls her eyes. I’m a bit surprised she wants to join in with the guys. But she’s been hanging out with all of us recently.
“Sure, the more, the merrier,” says Micah. “Just let me text my parents.”
And once again, I’m struck by how normal and good this feels. I have friends. And awkward crush feelings. I feel the memories from the dance party move to the back of my mind as I watch Drew join Micah and Robin in a game of grab-ass and hear Jennifer sighing about the behaviour of boys.
15 Sounds Like You
Mom bought me this suit. I hate how it emphasizes my shoulders. She insists that it makes me look handsome and I just feel like throwing up. I hate putting on a tie. I hate how the white dress shirt looks on me. And the suit jacket feels too baggy and looks dull when I want to shine.
During the dress rehearsal right before the mid- term concert, I look to the girls (including Jennifer) and wish I could be wearing something red like they are. I tell this to Jennifer and she makes a sympathetic noise. “Yeah, wearing cute dresses can be pretty great if you like them. Gender norms suck. Maybe I can take you shopping some time. We can have fun trying on whatever clothes we find at Value Village.”
I agree with her and we make plans to do that. Butterflies flutter in my belly and I don’t quite get it. But I’m excited at the thought of buying clothes I want instead of what my mom buys for me.
During dinner break before going on stage, I catch a flash of red on Micah’s hands. Robin is painting Micah’s nails. Robin grins at me and Micah waves me over.
“I could never get away with painting my nails like that,” I tell them. “My mom would probably ship me off to stay with her sister in China. And my dad would disown me.”
“There. Now we wait for them to dry a bit, then we can put on a top coat,” says Robin. “Logan, let me do your nails. I was going to do everyone’s so we can all match. We can get rid of it after the performance. It’ll be fun.”
“Uh . . . Okay?” I’m not sure why I agree to it. But when it’s done, I stare at my nails. The little bits of red glitter catch the light. It’s really pretty.
“Red is a good colour on you,” says Robin. “You know, the way you’re staring at your nails right now reminds me of the first time I put on a binder. I didn’t know what I was missing. Then I saw what I looked like with a flat chest. And I started crying. I didn’t even know I was trans until then. I had been told by my creepy child psychologist that my gender was just a special interest. That it wasn’t real.”
I give Robin a confused look. So he explains, “I still liked pretty things and makeup. I was also autistic. They didn’t believe I was a boy because of all that. They didn’t realize I could be a boy. A really fabulous boy who sometimes likes wearing makeup and dresses. It’s not a fixation on gender.”
Micah’s been listening this whole while. He adds casually, “What he’s trying to say is that your nails look really cute. And that you look happier with your nails painted than we’ve seen you in a long time.”
“Oh . . .” is all I can say. Part of me wants to be angry at the two of them to even hint that I am trans. But then I realize that’s not what they said. Maybe I’m like Robin. Maybe I’m a boy who likes having my nails painted and fabulous clothes. Maybe he’d let me try on some of his clothes? I know for sure I don’t want to be the same as the boys around me. But it’s what I want to be that I’m not sure of.
Robin watches me process this. “Let me know if you ever want to talk or need help with something. I know I talk too much and I’m annoying. But I also know a little about being bullied.” Robin sounds so serious he seems older than I’m used to seeing him.
“Thanks for everything that you two have done for me,” I say finally. “Would it be too much for you to stand with me during the performance? Today has been pretty bad.”
Robin motions for a hug. I let him and Micah wrap me up in their arms again. I feel really safe between them.
The other guys have their nails done and we stand as a group. Micah and Robin flank me during the performance. Drew shoots me a worried look so I nod and give him a small smile. Kyle nods and I think I see something bordering on affection in his eyes. And Jennifer gives me a thumbs up. My phone buzzes. It’s a text from Jennifer that she approves of my self care.
* * *
The week after the midterm concert, Ms. Brown breaks out the music for the holiday concert. As she passes the sheet music to the section leaders, she excitedly says it is her favourite time of year and gushes over the songs.
Kyle hands out the sheet music to all of us. I flip through the booklets. It’s all typical fare. “Santa Baby,” “Little Drummer Boy,” “We Three Kings,” and “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Ms. Brown tells us there will be soloists for every song and a duet for “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
I spot Micah scowling, his forehead creased in a way I’ve never seen before. Our usually easy-going hippy looks pretty upset. He interrupts Ms. Brown to say, “Why is it that all these songs either are Christian or degrade women?”
Ms. Brown’s smile fades and she places her hands on her hips. “I’m sorry, but Christmas is part of this holiday season. Glee did a cover of ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ with two guys. It was a gay romance number. I’m sorry. I thought about the LGBT community when I picked these songs.”
Micah retorts with controlled anger. “You call this a holiday concert, but it’s clearly not. Not everyone is Christian. There are many other holidays around this time. Just in choir there are ten of us who are Jewish.”
One of the girls from the soprano section pipes up. “I’m Jewish and I don’t mind Christmas songs. Micah, why are you making such a big of deal of it?”
Jennifer jumps in. “Because it’s really shitty when the system says that you don’t matter!” She glares at the soprano.
“Oh, oh, I’m triggered!” says a girl in a mocking voice.
At that, the whole choir erupts. Most of the girls are yelling at Jennifer and Micah.
Robin promptly steps out in front of Micah, shielding him and giving the girls a withering glare. Kyle does the same thing for Jennifer. I quickly step up to shield her, too, as Drew joins Robin in protecting Micah.
I feel Jennifer clutch me, shivering in my arms. I focus on holding her, and let Kyle take on the role of being a human wall.
It happens so quickly, but ends just as suddenly. The lights are turned on and off and the clash of a cymbal stops the yelling. I turn to see Drew’s mom Drusilla with one hand on the light switch and a drumstick in the other. Normally, Drusilla looks like any middle-aged Middle Eastern woman on the street. But seeing her standing there, I realize I never noticed how tall she actually is. Seeing her with her eyes narrowed, I’m glad she isn’t glaring at me.
Ms. Brown is curled up in the corner, crying. I feel a little sorry for her, but more grateful that Drusilla stepped up. The room is dead silent except for Ms. Brown’s soft sobbing. Then Drusilla finally speaks. Her voice is soft, but I’m sure everyone hears it. “That’s enough of that. Girls, you should be ashamed of yourselves. You may not agree, but that doesn’t mean you are allowed to bully someone. Don’t make me do this again or I’m getting the vice principal involved. Ms. Brown had one last announcement for today. The casting for Phantom is posted outside the auditorium. Choir dismissed.”
16 Must Be Fireproof
Everyone gets ready to leave. I spot Drusilla checking up on Ms. Brown so I direct my attention back to Jennifer. Her face is buried in Kyle’s neck and she is clutching his shirt like it’s a lifeline. I quickly glance over to see Robin comforting Micah. He is speaking to him in a low voice while Drew makes his way to his mom.
I recall what Jennifer told me in case she ever has a breakdown. I ask her, “Do you want to move somewhere out of the room? Maybe the bathroom?”
Kyle looks thankful for my question. When I hear a muffled “uh huh” from Kyle’s neck, I grab all our stuff. Kyle and I each offer Jennifer an arm. She agrees again and we flank her as she makes her way to the bathroom.
I frown as we near the two gendered bathrooms. It’s times like this I wish bathrooms weren’t so gendered. Luckily, no one is there. We enter the girls’ bathroom and Kyle locks the door behind us.
“Hey, do you want something to eat or drink right now?” Kyle’s voice is pitched softer than I’ve ever heard it.
“N-no,” replies Jennifer. “Just grab my makeup remover and the wipes. Thanks. Both of you.” Jennifer grabs a paper towel and blows her nose into it.
“Anytime,” Kyle says. “You’re my lesbro. I just wish I could have done more to protect you.” He motions that he wants to rub her shoulders and Jennifer nods.
I find Jennifer’s makeup stuff and bring it over to the sink.
Jennifer looks at herself in the mirror. “Ugh, my makeup is all messed up. My femme armour broke. And I love you, Kyle. You, too, Logan. I’m feeling mostly okay thanks to both of you coming to my rescue. Do you think Ms. Brown will let me defect from the altos and come sing with you guys? I can sing high tenor.” She starts washing her makeup off.
It’s weird seeing Jennifer without anything on her face. Her eyes look smaller without winged tips making them cat eyes. I miss her rainbow of lipsticks.
“I think so,” says Kyle. “There’s a lot of altos already and we’re a pretty small section. Anything else you need right now? The girls were pretty nasty.” Kyle glances at me to see if I know anything else we should be doing to help our friend.
