Gaining Her Wings, page 3
“You made this decision based on what you thought happened to me.” He nodded, and I continued, “Was it worth it?”
“...Irene, I know you think Mom and I hate you, but I swear I’m not malicious.” I rolled my eyes. “You told me you threw out your meds because they weren’t working. I didn’t want you to keep up your cutting habit if I could help in some way.”
Mom added, “Irene, what if Isaac hadn’t taken his lunch break and came home to find you?”
I groaned. “I get it, I get it. I could’ve died. But in my defense, what else was I supposed to do to deal with the voices in my head?”
“Hopefully the new meds will work for you. I will talk to Dr. Hourai on her—” A beep from Isaac’s pocket and he sighed as he pulled out his phone. “Looks like I’m needed yet again. I need to go. Best of luck, Irene.” He stepped out, leaving me with Mom.
“Irene, please, please promise me that you’ll tell us if your medication isn’t working.” She got out of the chair and embraced me. “You’re almost 23; I don’t wanna have to bury you at all, if I can help it.”
“I’ll be more careful, Mom, I promise. And... sorry for not telling you two that things were so bad for me.”
“I understand...I wish I had done more to make sure you were actually okay. So how about I make it up to you? After you get out of here and finish your exams, we all go to Galveston for your birthday? No work, just relaxing on the beach.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that. “I’m gonna hold you and Isaac to that, Mom.”
She broke off the embrace and ran a hand through my hair. “Looking forward to it, dear. Anyway, I need to go and prep for a couple of heart surgeries later on today.”
I escorted her out of the room and watched as she headed out to ready herself for the surgeries. Since I was up and about, I checked the schedule for any other classes today, and frowned when I saw that there were none. Wow, Leach, your head was really up your own ass, wasn’t it?
Seeing that and realizing that I had nothing better to do, I did the only thing I could do:
I headed back to my room and took a nap, entering my Dreamworld.
* * *
I opened my eyes to the golden field and sat up, combing bits of grass out of my hair. Looking up, I found myself looking up at the seemingly eternal dusk sky.
“Hey, Shadow?” The question came almost unbidden, so I couldn’t tell if she had come when I called or if she had already been standing nearby. “I’m getting sick of this sky. Can I change it?”
“Certainly. As I said before, this whole world can be changed to suit your desires.”
I closed my eyes, picturing a night sky full of stars. I opened my eyes just in time to see a shooting star pass overhead, clearly catching Shadow off-guard.
“Huh... You remind me of...” Shadow shook her head slightly. “Never mind that. Why a night sky?”
“It just feels right, y’know?” I shrugged. “Night skies have always felt better to me.”
Shadow opened her mouth to ask more, only for voices to catch us off-guard. I looked past her and blinked in surprise as Callie led Eris, Sarah, and John to us.
“Wasn’t expecting visitors so soon.” The quip came easily enough, but I felt myself wanting to shrink away from the lack of, well, anything to entertain my newfound guests. If I hadn’t been so preoccupied, I might’ve noticed them casting some curious glances at Shadow before shrugging and refocusing on me.
“Sorry to intrude,” Eris began. “Dr. Leach isn’t a Dreamwalker, so we can speak freely here; Callie thought it would be nice if we visited your new Dreamscape while we were at it.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to turn the lights out on us, Irene,” Callie said with a smirk.
I shrugged and returned the smirk. “What can I say, I like it dark.” I looked up to see the stars again, only to shield my eyes as they vanished behind the glow of lampposts that appeared around us.
“Allow me to fix that. I can slightly influence this Dreamscape through my power as the Guardian of the Dreamworld...” Shadow’s words faded in my ears as I felt my blood boil all of a sudden. I didn’t know why I suddenly felt so angry, but all I could think of was destroying the lampposts...
...And then they started to vibrate violently.
“Everyone, move!” I heard Eris yell seconds before the posts exploded, showering us with shrapnel that left me unfazed as I whirled to face Shadow, my voice quivering with rage.
“Where the fuck do you get off, blocking my view of the night sky?!” I screamed in her face.
“Um... I think the best solution to this is to just give us flashlights. Would that be fair, Irene?” John asked with just a touch of nervousness, and just like that the anger evaporated, leaving me to sigh sheepishly.
“...Sure. Um, sorry ‘bout that. I don’t know what came over me.” I ran a hand through my hair as my cheeks flushed.
“Well, to be fair, have y’all looked up at this view? No wonder Irene snapped.” At Sarah’s words, everyone looked up and gasped.
“Imagine if we could see a view like this in the real world without streetlights!”
I beamed, my cheeks still flushed as I imagined a large gazebo with benches to sit on nearby. It appeared, but in rough condition, causing me to frown as I imagined it dissolving away. I tried a few more times, but they weren’t any better than before; on the other hand, I made some cute little kittens just fine.
“Having some trouble, Irene?” Shadow quirked an eyebrow at me as I let out a long breath through my nose.
“No kidding. Apart from stuff I’m fond of and familiar with, creating just isn’t...intuitive to me. But destruction?” With nary another thought, a star far above us exploded, making everyone else jump. “It comes so easily to me.”
“I......see.” Once again, Shadow seemed to be lost in thought, but she shook it off before I could do more than blink curiously. “Well, that isn’t a problem, Irene. Practice makes perfect, and you have all the time in the world to hone your dreamsculpting.”
I nodded mutely, trying my hardest to stamp out the unusual feeling of doubt rising in my heart. Not of concern that I wouldn’t eventually get the hang of creating stuff...
...but of an inexplicable nagging thought that I didn’t have as much time as anyone realized.
Chapter Six: The End of the Familiar
“Good morning, clients!” I awoke to a bright light and an annoyingly cheerful voice, which nearly caused me to fall out of bed in fright. It was a minor miracle I didn’t curse on reflex.
“You were out like a light, Irene.” Callie snarked, barely looking up from yet another book.
“Never mind that, how long was I out?” I barely rasped out the question before giving a dry cough, prompting a nurse to hand me a cup of water.
“Nearly a whole day. Apparently, you were so tired that no one could really wake you. Luckily, your vitals just showed you were merely sleeping, so we weren’t too worried. Had a nice dream, Miss Williams?”
The cup was emptied in a matter of seconds, and I could only nod as I took in what happened. I was asleep for an entire day? It felt like I’d only been in the Dreamworld for a couple of hours, at best...but then again, it wasn’t like I was an expert on that sort of thing yet. Maybe Callie could get me a bit more up to speed...
“I-I’m sorry, but could I have a little more water?” The nurse took the cup and left to refill it when I finally took notice of the other woman in the room. Her hair was a beautiful shade of auburn – almost as red as mine – and pulled into a pair of very coily space buns. She wore blue scrubs that were covered in stars and constellations.
“Hello, my name’s Alexa, and I’m the daytime psychiatrist of this ward. Nice to meet you, Miss Willia–” I held up a hand.
“Irene works. I... I don’t like being so formal.” I admitted.
Alexa smiled. “Fair enough. Anyways, Irene, we will be starting you on aripiprazole; 15 milligrams, once a day.” Just as she said that, the nurse came back in with a full plastic cup of water and said tablet in the other hand. I took the pill and popped it in my mouth seconds before taking a gulp of water and swallowing both.
If you think a pill will get rid of me so easssily, girlie... I nearly choked on my water, swallowing quickly and looking around in a panic.
“Something wrong, Irene?” Alexa asked. I frantically shook my head.
“It’s... it’s nothing. Hey, um...how long does this pill take to work?”
Alexa sighed, no doubt having heard this question one too many times. “It’s not a cure-all; it’ll take weeks to hit peak efficiency and that’s if you’re diligent in taking it.”
Yeah, I think I’m gonna need something stronger to get rid of this. Especially since I won’t be able to get away with cutting any more. It was cold comfort to imagine that I could at least estimate whether or not it was working by how much more or less frequent these ‘mind visits’ happened.
Deciding not to dwell on that longer than necessary, I asked “So...what’d I miss while I was sleeping?” to nobody in particular.
“Callie, I’ll leave that to you, as you two are roommates. If you need anything, Irene, just come up to the nurses’ area and ask.” With that, Alexa gave me a small wave and walked out, quietly shutting the door behind her.
It was quiet for a moment before Callie finally looked up from her book. “Well, Sarah’s twin brother Erik came by yesterday evening. I think you’d like him. He’s... cute.” I couldn’t see her face behind her book, but I thought I got a glimpse of a blush on her face. I rolled my eyes.
“Sorry, not interested in relationships right now.” I bluntly stated, causing Callie to rear up from her book more quickly than I’d ever seen her.
“Cold.”
I shrugged. “It’s for other people, but definitely not me.”
“Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.”
“If you say so.” I snorted a little as Callie rolled her eyes in turn before returning to her book, but I couldn’t help but wonder a little about that. What would the ‘right person’ be for me, anyway?
...Well, obviously, they’d have to have the patience of several saints to put up with my brand of crazy...and also a good pain tolerance, because my outbursts can get pretty physically violent when directed outwards instead of inwards. Speaking of violence, it’d be cool if they could kick ass and take names while still being the “Hidden Heart of Gold” type; kind to those they care about, but taking no shit from anyone else.
A great sense of humor would be a plus, if only to play off of my frequent snarking. Being willing to call me out on bullshit would be nice in the long term, even if I’d yell at them in the moment (hence the aforementioned patience being necessary). And if this hypothetical person also happened to look amazing in formalwear...
I actually had to cover my mouth to stifle the scoff threatening to burst from my throat. Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s nobody alive who’d fit all of those criteria.
* * *
Despite the voice’s threats and my own lingering apprehension for the future, I soon found myself settling into a routine at St. Anthony. Were I more of a comic book aficionado, I’d compare myself to a superheroine; I was essentially living two lives, one in the day, one at night.
During the day, I spent most of my time following the schedule of my ‘treatment plan.’ It’s a lot like school, but with cleaner halls, marginally better meals, the classes replaced by various assessments and sessions...and also the nagging feeling that you’re being tailed by at least one staff member at all times outside your room.
I became acquainted with quite a few doctors, nurses, and other professionals in my ‘classes,’ but Alexa, Lexi, and Leach were the most frequent; every time I saw either of them, I liked the former two more and the latter less. Leach didn’t try another stunt like the one from my first day, but he still held himself high above everyone else and only barely held back his contempt for his patients. I even overheard him grumbling about Isaac more than once – I considered writing that down and sending it to my brother, but I’m sure that he already knew and would have had Leach kicked out the instant he deemed his nasty behavior not worth his supposed skills in his field.
...I did, however, mention that Leach was ‘a real ray of sunshine’ in a letter to my family, just to see how they reacted to the obvious sarcasm. I was mildly surprised when Isaac wrote back and agreed with my sentiment; he said that Leach was, and I quote, ‘mired in the gulf between paper and practice.’ He firmly believed that everything had a scientific explanation...and if science didn’t work, it was a ‘psychosomatic resistance’ from the patients themselves.
In other words, as far as Leach was concerned, his current position was ‘palliative mental care’ for people too stubborn to respond to ‘real’ treatment plans. The only reason he was still working with us was because Isaac wouldn’t let him transfer out; he thought that sufficient exposure to people like us would give Leach a new perspective and potentially alter his views.
...
...Yeah, that was working like a charm. Damn your unwavering belief in the inherent goodness of humankind, Isaac.
Nevertheless, one thought kept me going through even my worst days at St. Anthony; they’d inevitably end and let me retire to my room with Callie. We’d read books, joke and/or bitch about the staff, and generally just talk about whatever came to mind. She was an incredibly creative person with a broad range of interests; once, I even found her raptly reading through Encyclopedia Britannica, of all things. And no, I will never let her forget that – call it payback for the odd prank she pulled on me, “just to keep things interesting,” she insisted.
When we went to bed, I wasted no time in returning to the Dreamscape and playing around with my abilities. Creating things was still incredibly difficult for me, but for the first time in a long while, I actually found myself enjoying social interaction; in the realm of our dreams, I could meet my fellow patients and just...talk to them in a way that you just can’t in a group therapy session.
For instance, I got to learn exactly how Sarah ended up in this place. Turns out that she has a cutting problem too; just directed at others instead of herself. Throw in a tendency to jump headlong into relationships and an alarmingly short fuse (or “perma-PMS”, as she so irreverently dubbed it), and it led to her stabbing her twin brother in the side when he tried to stop her from “expressing her disappointment” (read: turning faces into confetti) about being friendzoned by her latest crush.
“Of course, you won’t leave me, right?” She ran a manicured nail down my cheek and it took everything in me to hide the twitch in my eye. Especially when I felt her nail trace a little heart shape against my chest; thankfully, she refrained from commenting on it this time.
Being in the Dreamscape meant that Sarah had absolutely no qualms expressing her open envy for my...what’d she call ‘em? Oh right...my “XXXL covert knife rack.” I pitied her naivety – G-cup breasts are only fun until you actually have them and realize you can barely see what you just stepped in on your afternoon walk – but I dared not say it aloud. Knowing Sarah, she might just take a sarcastic quip of “I’d give ‘em to you if I could” as an invitation to see if the Dreamscape enabled impromptu breast transplants...
And then there was John. I’d compare him and Sarah to fire and ice, but he told me in advance that he’d heard that several times before. After some days of quietly watching us, I finally got him to open up with an idle question of what could get a quiet loner like him committed to the Behavioral Health Unit.
“Simple. I killed my now ex-wife.” I could feel goosebumps cover every inch of my skin and I nervously backed away until Eris spoke up.
“He did not, Irene; his ex is in Florida, pissing away the alimony money. He swears he killed her, so they’ve got him here to keep an eye on him.”
John frowned. “I did kill her, Eris. I ran her through with her prized katana; I saw the life drain from her eyes like the blood pouring from her wound.” I looked between the two, contemplating the most subtle way to get the fuck out of there.
“Aah hell, not this again.” Callie’s eye roll was audible as I felt her hand on my shoulder. “They’ll be at this for a while, Irene; c’mere and check out this cool diorama I made!”
Of course, Callie and I spent a lot of time together in the Dreamscape. She liked the place better than anyone, I think; it was crazy to see how much giddier she was compared to the “real” world. We’d have barely arrived and she’d be zooming off to create stuff based on what she’d read in the day; she took to creation like I took to destruction.
She even took a shot at being my personal ‘dream-shrink’ at times, dream-constructed psychiatrist’s office and all, to talk about my past nightmares. She admitted that she wasn’t exactly qualified for that; I told her that it was nice to be able to just talk about them with somebody, so it became a semi-recurring thing for us. Some of them were pretty easy to nail down – for instance, the fiend was probably born of my self-doubt and spiders were...well, spiders – but I could tell that others had Callie just as stumped as I was.
Especially that one recurring nightmare that I could only describe as “being stuck in a box in the back of a moving truck, only coming out to see stars and fireworks.” Callie’s first thought was that it was my subconscious mixing my pent-up creativity with the desire to destroy whatever had pissed me off that day, but it was complicated by my certainty that I had chosen to be in there because I was...waiting for something else. The closest we got to figuring that out was that it represented my rational mind repressing more destructive urges for the safety of myself and those around me; it made sense, but I still felt like we were missing the mark somehow...
