The Temperature of Me and You, page 27
I stand. “Well, we’ve spoken enough about the fires. I’m glad you told me whatever it was that you told me. Good-bye, Savanna.” I take a step, but she grabs my arm.
“I didn’t tell you yet,” she says. Her lip quivers. “There’s more to explain. The truth is…” Her voice is shaky. “I’ve been wanting to tell you something for a while now. Well, for years really. But I guess you know what that is now.”
After everything that’s happened the past two months, I’m smarter than letting myself make assumptions about people. “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
She spins her thumbs in her lap. “I don’t know. We’re more alike than you think.”
I chuckle. “I’m sure you have some great qualities somewhere in there. But I highly doubt that.”
She bites her lip. “This isn’t supposed to be funny.”
“Well, tell me. I don’t understand.”
“I’m…” She takes a deep breath and then hangs her head.
“You’re…?”
“I’m…”
“You’re what?” I press.
“I can’t say it.”
“Well, that’s not going to help me understand.”
“Dylan…”
She puts her hand on the table. It’s shaking. I furrow my brows and inspect her body movements. I quickly reflect over the events of the past couple hours to try and figure out why Savanna is acting this way. The one thing that’s different is the presence of that girl. Suddenly, the only thing I can picture in my head is their constant touching at the fire, in the woods, and before the girl’s escape. There’s no way. But also, there kind of is a way. In fact, Savanna’s behaviors—practicing attention-diverting tactics; assuming an uncrackable, icy demeanor; pursuing the focused sabotage of Dylan Highmark—pave the way.
“Wait. Are you…?” I ask, sitting back in my seat.
She half nods, then shakes her head.
“How do I know we’re thinking the same thing?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re gay?” I ask.
“Yes! And I don’t know what to do about it.”
Her face contorts and then explodes. Her cheeks are covered in tears within seconds. My mouth hangs slightly ajar. But I quickly snap it shut.
Part of me wants to jump across the table and hug her. The other part of me wants to throw my potato salad in her face. I thought I would be better at something like this. I want to be happy for her, but I’m having trouble forgetting the level of shitty she’s been to me since middle school.
“Like…” I start. But I have no clue what to say.
She wipes her mouth with her sleeve.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she says. “I’m not looking for you to be my friend. I know I suck. I’m so sorry for the way I treated you.”
“Why did you?”
“Why did I what?”
“Treat me like that.”
She inhales. “I honestly don’t know. It, like, always seemed so easy for you. It came so naturally. I felt stupid around you.”
“Are you kidding? Nothing about my coming out was easy. It’s still not easy. And you and your family were some of the people making it so hard. You hurt my feelings…a lot.” My voice falters.
“I know. When you sat with me at lunch the other week I thought—”
“I thought you were in trouble.”
“I was! And I am. These past two months…I just lost it.”
“What do you want from me?”
“Nothing. I just wanted you to know so this all made a little more sense.”
“It doesn’t. This whole thing is wack. And I don’t mean you. I mean you, and me, and Jordan, and everything.”
Savanna sniffs and looks at the ground. “Really wack,” she says.
“Am I the only person who knows?” I ask.
“Yeah.” She tugs at her ponytail.
“Are you going to tell other people?”
“I’m going to try. Not my family, though…at least not yet.”
“Yeah, they don’t seem to be the most approachable.”
I push around my food. I know right now Savanna is so nauseated she’s about to puke. Her mouth is probably numb. She’s squeezing her fingers to stop her hands from shaking.
“I don’t know if I accept your apology, but I’m really proud of you and happy for you. I know it isn’t easy. I feel like in most coming-out moments this is when I am supposed to say this doesn’t change anything between us, but in our case, I hope this does change things between us.”
She laughs. “Thanks, Dylan.”
“Are you dating that girl from the woods? You know I need the scoop now.”
She laughs again. “I guess you could say that.”
“She’s pretty.”
Savanna’s face turns red. “Her name is Devon. She goes to St. Helena’s. She was actually at Kirsten’s party.”
“Ah. A Helena Ho. Seems like all the hot gay people go there.”
She shrugs. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“You’re right. We’re hotter.”
Savanna smiles. I reach out my hand and spread my fingers. She puts her hand on mine. “This is weird,” she says.
“I guess we can both be ‘woe is me, we’re the only gay people in school’ together now,” I say.
She hums. “I guess so.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a familiar head of long blond hair standing next to the pizza counter. I turn to get a better look. It’s either Perry or an identical twin. Kirsten emerges from an aisle holding two drinks and stands beside her. The massive key chain hanging on her fingers gives it away.
“Oh no,” I mutter.
“What?” Savanna asks.
“Kirsten and Perry are here. I’ve been ignoring them. They’re going to freak if they see me.”
“Where?”
“By the pizza.”
I place my elbow on the table and hide my face in my palm. I twist my body away from their direction and stare at the wall.
“Let me know if they’re coming,” I say.
“They’re coming,” Savanna says.
“What? Already?”
“Dylan!” Perry shouts.
I sit up and our eyes meet. She’s grinning from ear to ear. They both look tan. She places her pizza on a table and runs in my direction. Her arms are outstretched for a hug.
“Where have you been? I’ve missed you! I loved your Valentine’s card at school.”
I look at Savanna as I feel my body heating up. Orange light glows beneath my fingernails. I dig through my pockets and realize I don’t have my Balancer. This is bad. Not only have I ignored them, but I’m here with Savanna, the one person I claim to despise. So many questions are about to be launched at me. How do I explain? Think, Dylan. Think.
Before Perry reaches us, I stand and extend my arm in front of me. My chair crashes to the floor on its side.
“Wait, stop!” I yell.
Perry comes to a halt an inch from me. “What’s wrong?” she asks.
“I…I’m sick. I don’t want to give it to you.”
Savanna winces. My body is steaming. I know if I hug Perry, she’ll get burned.
“That makes no sense,” Perry says, rolling her eyes. “I think I’ll take my chances.” She takes a step. I jump back.
“I’m serious,” I say. I push my palm through the air at her chest. “Just not right now.”
She squints at me. “You’re being really weird.” Her eyes dart to Savanna for a second and then back to me. She mutters, “What?” under her breath and fixes her bag hanging over her shoulder.
Kirsten reaches us. “Fancy meeting you two here. What’s the occasion?” No one says anything. Savanna has yet to say a word. It’s as if she’s transformed into a different person after coming out.
“Let’s go, Kirsten,” Perry says. “I think we’re interrupting. Dylan doesn’t want to talk to us.” Perry grabs Kirsten’s arm.
“What do you mean?” Kirsten asks, wiping her lips with her arm.
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to talk to you,” I say. “I just can’t hug you now. I’m still sick.” I sigh. “I’m sorry. How are you?” I try to fix the conversation.
“You seem fine to me,” Perry blurts out.
“Why haven’t you been answering our messages? We’ve been asking you to get dinner with us for days.” She nods at Savanna. “No offense.”
Savanna shakes her head.
“I thought you were grounded,” I say.
“We just lost our phone privileges while we were away. We’re allowed to leave the house.”
“Oh.”
Kirsten crosses her arms. My skin tingles, like my whole body is asleep. I grab my chair from the floor and bring it right side up. I sit down and dig my feet underneath the table legs, knowing what’s about to come.
“Okay, well…can we hang out tomorrow?” Kirsten asks. “Your lack of response kind of makes it hard to plan.”
“Um…” I start. I look at Savanna as if she can help me. Her eyes glaze over. I have to go to HydroPro tomorrow. It’s my last chance to find Jordan. I have to fix everything. Even though it was worthwhile, this Savanna diversion delayed my plans enough. Time is running out.
My feet lift off the floor. I grip the edge of the table and push myself downward. I exhale hard.
“Come on, Kirsten,” Perry says, pulling Kirsten’s shoulder. “You got your answer.”
“Dylan, you’ve been acting strange lately and it’s obvious,” Kirsten says sternly. “You said before no secrets between us. What is up with you?” Kirsten tries to tap my arm, but I dodge it.
I’m biting my tongue, trying to keep myself from floating to the ceiling and my skin from bursting into flames.
Perry shakes her head. “Did Jordan do something to you?”
I unclench my teeth. “It’s not like that!” I yell, and smack my hand against the table.
Everyone jumps. Perry’s and Kirsten’s faces are scrunched. Perry’s fingers tighten around Kirsten’s arm.
Savanna puts her two fingers over her eyes and mouths the word eyes to me. Panic rips through me. I pick up my phone and look at my reflection in the black screen. The ice-blue halo shimmers around my pupils. I look to the wall.
Kirsten and Perry take a step away. “Well, gosh, Dylan. Enjoy your night,” Perry says.
Kirsten looks me up and down. “We’ve done what we can here,” she says. “Let’s go.” They pick up their pizza and leave the store.
My hands are shaking so hard the table rattles between me and Savanna.
“Dylan, calm down,” she says.
“I don’t…I don’t feel well,” I say. A lump forms in the back of my throat. A sharp pain radiates from my spine and shoots across the sides of my body. I don’t think I’ve ever had a fight with Perry or Kirsten, let alone both at the same time. If I don’t have them, then I have no one.
I lurch over the table and vomit. Most of the brown liquid makes it into my food container. A few chunks splatter across the table. Savanna screams. She grabs a fistful of napkins and wipes up my vomit. She tosses the soaked napkins into the container and then runs away to throw everything into the garbage.
A text from Kirsten pops up on my phone. It says, Way to go. Perry is crying.
Maybe they’re right. Maybe Jordan has done something to me. But his life is on the line, and I don’t know how to make decisions when the stakes are that high. Lying to protect him seems like the right call. He’s fighting for his life, and I’m just a boy with a crush and some friend drama. Somehow I’ve become the keeper of everyone’s secrets. But they’re not keeping me together; they’re tearing me apart.
I cough. No more liquid comes out. My normal body wouldn’t know how to handle this. But my new body seems to think it does, and apparently, it’s by killing me.
On Monday, Mom changes around her work schedule so she can personally drop me off at school. I took one too many puffs of the Elemental Balancer after the Whole Foods incident and slept the entire weekend. I’ve been gone from the house at so many random times these days my parents no longer trust me enough to take the bus to school alone, which is fine. Getting a ride to school is far superior to taking the bus with the driver who blasts country music and fifty snoring freshmen.
This is the first time I’ve been grounded, and I don’t think my parents quite know how it works. I don’t have time to add handing out grounding tips to my to-do list, so I’m just sitting back and enjoying the ride.
Mom grabs my shoulder as I’m getting out of the car.
“Have a good day, Dylan,” she says softly. She forces a smile.
I nod. “Thanks. I’ll try.”
“Maybe we can do dinner sometime this week?”
“What? We eat dinner every night?”
She shakes her head. “You know what I mean. Out to dinner…just you and me. You can tell me about the boy you’re seeing.”
I run my finger along the door handle. “Dinner could be nice.”
She rubs my arm. “Please let me know if you need anything…anything at all.”
I sigh. “Mom.”
She holds up her finger. Her eyes are glassy. “Dylan, don’t.”
I clear my throat. “Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you after school.” I exit the car and slam the door shut. I take a deep breath and look up at the morning sun reflecting off the school windows.
Savanna is sitting on a bench by the main entrance. She’s staring at me. She slowly brings her hand up and waves. I walk to her.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she says. Her cheeks are rosy, and her lips are a deep shade of red. She’s wearing a navy cable-knit headband, a green puffy coat, and navy gloves. “How are you feeling?”
I sit next to her. “I’ve been better,” I say. I crush a stone into the sidewalk with my boot.
“Have you heard from your boyfriend at all?”
“No. I don’t think I’m supposed to be expecting to either.”
“He might come back.”
“Yeah, well…a lot of things might happen. How are you feeling?”
“About what?”
I chuckle. “About how you’re going to walk through these doors and be yourself for the first time?” I nudge her with my elbow.
“To one person.”
“One is better than none. You know I’m here for you, right? If you ever need someone to talk to, like, in real life…I got you.”
She nods. “Thanks, Dylan. You don’t have to worry. I never called that Lifeline…you just caught me at a low point.” She adjusts her headband.
“I don’t care if you did or didn’t. It just helps to talk about this stuff out loud.”
“You’re the expert, aren’t you?”
“Just speaking from experience.”
Savanna wipes her nose with her glove. “I’ve been a lot better since I told you. But to be honest, I don’t want to leave this bench. I feel like everyone is staring at me already.”
“No one is staring at you, Savanna. I’m the only person who knows. Everyone still thinks you’re heartless.”
She smirks and slaps my arm. “Am I going to get that from you for the rest of my life?”
“No.” I smile. “Maybe just half of your life.” I lean into her.
“Fair.” She purses her lips.
“Just think, I’ve been out since freshman year and who cares about my life?”
She crosses her arms.
“I’ll answer for you,” I say. “Since I know you’re trying out this new ‘being nice’ thing—and that was a great start, by the way—but the answer is no one.”
“I think I messed things up for too long.” She sniffs.
“Everyone is going to love the real Savanna. In fact, I’m personally very interested in getting to know her. That old girl you thought you needed to be? She’s gone.”
“I hate her.”
“Tell her!”
“I hate her!”
“Okay, not that loud. People already think we’re out of our minds.”
I scan the parking lot for Perry or Kirsten. For the first time in a while, my body is cold.
Mom hasn’t moved. Her car is parked in the same spot where she dropped me off. We make eye contact through the windshield. She throws up her hands. She points toward school and mouths, Get inside.
“We should probably go,” I say. “Before my mom requests to follow me through school all day.”
“Okay,” Savanna says.
I stand and take a few steps. Savanna stays planted on the bench. I extend my hand to her. She clasps it and stands.
“This is your secret to share,” I say. “You don’t have to tell anyone today or for the rest of the school year if you don’t want to. Just be you.”
“Yeah, I mean, I’m not going to announce it from the loudspeakers like you did.”
I shake my head. I pull out my magical inhaler from my pocket and take a few puffs. I don’t think I even need it, though. The thoughts of everyone I’m missing are weighing me down.
Savanna and I split up at the first hallway, and rather than going to history class, I go somewhere that actually matters.
I reach Dr. Brio’s classroom and knock on his door. He’s sitting on one of the lab stools and grading tests. He licks his finger, picks up a paper, and glances at me out of the corner of his eye.
“Mr. Highmark.” He sighs.
“I know. I should be in class right now.”
He takes off his glasses and places them on the black countertop. “You have been in and out of school a lot lately. Is everything all right?”
I nod. “Can I come in?”
He extends his hand to one of the open stools. “What can I do for you?”
I pull the stool farther out from the lab bench and sit on it.
“Can humans breathe hydrogen?” I ask.
He sighs. “No. Humans need oxygen to live. There are very, very small amounts of hydrogen in the earth’s atmosphere. But nothing substantial that we could live from.”
“Right. But what if we we’re made of hydrogen? Like, I know we have carbon, nitrogen…mostly oxygen in us. But what if we were all hydrogen? Remember that picture in our textbook with the diagram of the guy, and he was filled with the different percentages of human body elements?”
