The Future Next Door Boxed Set, page 118
“Hm.” Dakota looked back over her shoulder, towards the light of Avenue A. Sylvia would be waiting there for her, just a block away. “I used to do something similar. My mother could be very strict sometimes. When I couldn’t listen to one more rule I’d hide in my closet and dream about the day when I was on my own.” She laughed. “And could make my own rules.”
“Great minds think alike, I suppose.”
Dakota’s smile vanished. She looked back at Jack. “Yes. I guess they do.” She stood up. “Can’t you go back to your boyfriend? Apologize?”
Jack sighed. “No. He’s better off without me.”
“Sounds like self-pity.”
“No, it’s true.” He put his hand on the doorway and got to his feet. He brushed off the rear of his pants. “And I’m better off without him, too, as much as it hurts. But you’re right, that’s enough self-pity for one night. No more hiding in the dark. Time to look forward again. Thank you for talking me off the ledge.”
“I barely said anything.”
“Thanks for listening, then. What’s your name?”
He stepped towards her, but she moved away. “Doesn’t matter. We’re never going to see each other again, remember?”
Before he could follow, she turned the corner back onto Avenue A and hurried to meet up with her friends, a broad smile on her face.
Twenty-one years to find you, she thought. Thanks for helping me narrow down the search.
Chapter Eighteen
Caitlin calling
Caitlin wiped away a clear patch in the fogged-up mirror in the bathroom of her hotel room and checked herself out. Presentable enough for bed, she thought. She was grateful to Sylvia for lending her a change of clothes – nothing worse than putting your dirty underwear back on after a shower.
She laughed at herself. There were so many things worse than that.
She pulled on the borrowed t-shirt and shorts and headed out into the main room. She was sharing it with Danny, who was sitting up in his bed, looking at something on his phone.
“Any word from the big brains?” she asked.
He quickly put the phone down and wiped at his eyes. He tried to hide a sniffle. “Uh, no. They’re working things out. Dakota said we’d go over it all in the morning, when Alan gets back.” He paused. “If he comes back.”
She stopped at the foot of her own bed. He avoided her gaze. She moved to his bed. “Slide over.”
He shuffled over to the far side and she sat down next to him.
“So,” she said. “How long have you and Alan been dating?”
He tensed. “Fuck.”
“You have no poker face, my friend. Is it serious?”
He looked down at his phone, then handed it to her. It was open to his photo album, on a picture of Danny and Alan, smiling at the camera, arms around each other, cheeks pressed together. She flipped to the next – it was the same setting, but they were kissing. She flipped to the next.
“Oh! Hello!”
“You took that, you perv,” he said. “You found my phone in the living room, threw open Alan’s door and caught us right at the best part.”
“Alan doesn’t seem to mind.” She handed the phone back to him. “He looks happy. You both do.”
“I thought he’d recognize me. I had this romantic idea that somehow our love would be strong enough...damn, that sounds ridiculous...that he’d just...know me. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t know me.” He touched the screen and closed the picture. “Ten months, almost. There had been something building between us before then, but he kept putting me off because of...well.”
“You and me?”
Danny nodded. “You and I fooled around a little when I first moved to New York. Nothing serious. I realized I was falling for Alan, confessed to you...”
“I assume I took it with my trademarked calm and grace.”
“You threw a shoe at me. Then you told Alan he’d be crazy to let me get away.” He smiled. “But you know Alan. Overthinks everything. Took him a few weeks and a few shots before he stopped feeling guilty long enough to kiss me. That was last Halloween. We’ve been together ever since.”
She wrapped her arms around his sizable forearm and laid her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
“I had a whole life and it’s just gone. It never happened. What am I going to do when we get home? I have nothing. I won’t have a bank account. My social security number will belong to a dead boy. My parents won’t know me. Nobody will know me.”
“We’ll know you. You’ll rebuild your life and you’ll start with us. And you know...” She punched him lightly in the stomach. “Alan’s single at the moment. And you are just his type.”
“Alan’s with Pete. Who knows if he’ll even want to come home?”
“Come on. He’s just taking the opportunity for some closure. He’s not going to stay in 1993.”
“He might. He told me how hard it was to lose Pete like that, so suddenly. You and I have never lost anyone like that, how would we know...”
Caitlin pulled away, sitting up straight in the bed. She tried to make it seem casual, like she was just shifting position, but Danny noticed. His eyes widened and he covered his mouth with his hand.
“Oh, shit, Caitlin, I’m so sorry! Look, you haven’t lost Eddie, okay? He’s smart, Kevin’s smart. They must have found a way out of there.”
She started to answer, to reassure Danny so he wouldn’t feel bad for making her think of Eddie. But she couldn’t find the words. She had been holding herself together ever since they had arrived in the past, but now that there was no immediate crisis to deal with, she had nothing to distract her. She felt her emotional dam crack and she couldn’t stop the flood of tears.
Danny grabbed her, and she let herself get swallowed up in his embrace. For a moment she considered running for the bathroom rather than continuing to cry in front of this man she barely knew, but she thought he might need this connection even more than she did. So she let him be the friend to her that he remembered being. He rocked her gently and she let everything she had been holding back flow free.
“Okay,” she said finally. She pulled away from him and the expression on his face made her laugh. “Damn, man! For such a big, rugged guy you sure do cry a lot!”
He laughed and wiped at his face with his sleeve. “I know! Hey, I’m bisexual, I’m obviously not afraid of feelings.” He gently extricated himself, jumped up, jogged into the bathroom, and returned with a box of tissues. He set it down on the nightstand between the two beds and sat at her feet.
She plucked a tissue from the box. “Thanks. I’m not giving up.”
“I know you’re not.”
“We’ll be back in our own time tomorrow. Whatever happened...I’ll deal with it.”
“You always do.”
She blew her nose fiercely. They sat in silence for a moment, lost in their own thoughts.
Danny rubbed her calf. “We’ll be saying goodbye to 1993 soon.”
She nodded. “Good riddance.”
“Anything you want to do before we leave?”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugged. “Alan’s seeing Pete. Dakota’s spending time with her mother. I saw my parents, even if they didn’t know me. Anybody you...I don’t know. Want to say hello to? Or...goodbye?”
She pulled her leg away from him. “Stop hinting. I know what you’re getting at. And no fair. You can’t throw things back at me that I don’t remember telling you.”
He stood up. “I’d just hate to see you miss this opportunity.”
She yanked another tissue out of the box and wiped her nose. “I can’t. What the hell would I say?”
“You’re an actor. Make something up.” He gave her bare foot a squeeze and then headed for the door. “I’m going to check in with everybody else, see what time they want to meet in the morning. See if Alan got back yet.”
“You’re giving me privacy. I don’t need it.”
“Whatever you say. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes or so.” He stepped out into the hall.
Fuck, she thought as the door clicked shut. I can see why he’s our friend.
She looked at the phone sitting on the table between the two beds. She moved the box of tissues onto the floor and slid the phone closer.
She remembered the number. It was still the same in her own time.
This is a terrible idea, she thought as she picked up the receiver.
She got an outside line and heard the buzz. She remembered she had to press 1 before entering the number.
It rang. She almost hung up, but didn’t. It rang two more times before someone answered.
“Hello?”
The tears threatened to come again at the sound of the woman’s voice, but Caitlin held them back.
“Hello?”
“Yes, hello.” Caitlin swallowed back the lump in her throat. “May I speak with Emily Ross, please?”
“This is Emily. Who’s calling?”
“Hi, um, Mrs. Ross, this is...my name is...Tamsin Walker. I’m calling from Women and Infants Hospital of Rhode Island.”
“That’s where I had my kids. Is everything all right? The youngest is six now, so if you’re looking for any overdue bills you’ve left it a little late.”
Caitlin laughed. “No, no, not bills. I...um...I’m calling about...yearly mammogram screenings.” She clenched her fist, digging her nails into her palm.
“Oh, geez. You and my doctor both. Am I on a list or something?”
“It’s just a courtesy call to our patients. A new outreach program at the hospital.”
“It’s awfully late for a phone-a-thon, isn’t it? I was about to go to bed.”
“Oh, I’m sorry for the time. That’s my fault. I’m...working late.” Caitlin rolled her eyes at her terrible improvisational skills. “But it’s very important that women...”
“I know I’m way overdue. I hate them so much, I keep putting it off. They hurt! I’m a wimp.”
“Early detection is so important...”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry, I’ll schedule one, I promise. I don’t have any history of breast cancer in my family so I get a little complacent about it.”
“Yes, yes, I know, I...” Caitlin had to stop. She put her hand over the receiver and took a deep breath.
“Hello? Are you all right?”
“Yes, sorry. This just...means a lot to me.”
“Oh my gosh. Did you...I mean, is there a history...?”
“I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was fifteen.”
She heard Emily gasp. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“By the time they detected it, it had spread too far. She fought hard but... She thought she was a wimp, too, but she wasn’t. She fought. She just...joined the fight too late.”
“Oh, my gosh. I don’t even know what to say. And here’s me making excuses for myself. Your mother sounds pretty tough.”
“She was. She was tough, and smart, and funny, and beautiful. If I could...if I could talk to her again, I would just want her to know how grateful I am that I got to have the time with her that I did. I would want her to know that I do my best to honor her strength, every day of my life.”
“I’m sure she’d be very proud of you.”
“I hope so. I made a decision recently, to switch careers. I don’t know if she’d be happy with it...”
Caitlin stopped. She hadn’t realized she thought that until the words had left her mouth. She saw, in a flash of memory, her mother’s face after Caitlin told her she wanted to be an actor. Her mother had always been her biggest fan, attending every church talent show and elementary school pageant. After Caitlin’s first high school play, she told her mother her career plans. She had been worried her mother might tell her it was impractical, or that she was too young to know what she wanted to do with her life, but instead she had lit up, and promised to be there, front and center, when Caitlin opened on Broadway. That play had been the last Caitlin’s mother had ever seen.
“Tamsin?”
Caitlin hadn’t realized she had lowered the phone. She lifted it back to her ear. “I’m sorry, this must be a very weird phone call. Some stranger pouring her heart out to you.”
“That’s all right. It must be very emotional for you, making calls like this. I’m crying a little myself. You’ve got me thinking about my daughter.”
“You have a daughter?”
“Caitlin. She’s the youngest. Six older brothers, but she already rules the roost. Tough as nails, that kid. A complete girly-girl, princesses, dress-up, everything pink, the lot, but her brothers start wrestling and she’s right there in the mix. I’m trying to toughen up a little, just to keep pace with her.”
Caitlin felt a little guilty about fishing for compliments under false pretenses, but she couldn’t help herself. “You sound proud of her.”
“Oh, so proud. I can’t wait to see what she’s like as an adult. Is that weird to say? I’m not in a hurry for her to grow-up, I just know she’s going to do amazing things and I can’t wait to see them.”
“That doesn’t sound weird at all. So get that mammogram screening. Every year. No exceptions. You don’t want to miss out on anything. And I’m sure Caitlin doesn’t want you to miss out on anything, either.”
“I will. I promise.” There was some loud commotion on the other end of the line – it sounded to Caitlin like somebody falling over in the background. “Oh, I’m sorry, Tamsin, I have to go. My oldest just stumbled in drunk and I need to bring the hammer down. Are you all right now?”
“Yeah. I’m feeling much better. Thank you.”
“Oh, God, he’s throwing up on the stairs. Sorry to rush you off. Thanks for calling. Bye.”
The phone disconnected. Caitlin held the receiver in her hand and leaned back against the wall.
“Goodbye.”
Chapter Nineteen
Alan noting
Alan rolled over onto his back. His shoulder slammed into the wall and he winced.
“Oh! Sorry,” Pete said. “Tiny dorm room beds. You want the outside?”
“No, I’m good.” Alan rolled back over and threw his arm across Pete’s chest, then kissed his neck. “I’m perfect.”
He looked out at the small room. It was fairly barren, just a desk, a chair, a wardrobe and a second bed, stripped to the mattress. The dorm was mostly empty for the summer, so rather than displace Kevin for the night Pete had grabbed some sheets and made use of the vacant room across the hall.
“You’re...” Pete yawned. “Sorry. You’re funny.”
“Funny? I’ve been called a lot of things in bed, but funny...actually, funny has come up more than once.”
Pete laughed. He touched Alan’s arm, tracing circles in the small hairs with his fingers. “No, I didn’t mean...no, that was great. Really great. That...uh...that thing you did...” He blushed. “I’ve never done that before.”
“Was it okay?”
“Oh, yeah!” He nodded enthusiastically. “It was awesome!”
“I had a feeling you’d like it.”
“Trust those feelings. No, I mean, you’re funny peculiar. I can’t figure you out.”
“I’m a mystery.”
“You seem kind of sad.”
Alan didn’t say anything. He rubbed the bottom of Pete’s foot with his big toe.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Pete said after a moment. “I hope I made you a little happier.”
“You did.” Alan ran his fingers along Pete’s broad chest. “You really did make me happier.”
Pete rolled over onto his side, bringing them face to face. He wiped away a tear from Alan’s eye. “Hey! It’s okay! Whatever it is, it’s gonna be okay!”
“I’m sorry. It’s been a rough day.”
“I’m a good listener.”
“I...um. Today is the...anniversary of my father’s death.”
“Oh!” Pete’s smile never wavered, but somehow he managed to convey great sympathy with it. “I’m sorry. How did it happen, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Alan thought back to his first night with Pete, a night twenty years in the future. They had exchanged stories about their respective fathers’ deaths on that night, and it had formed a close bond between them. Alan wanted desperately to forge that bond again, but he knew he was already pushing things by spending the night. Pete might forget the name and face of a one-night stand twenty years later, but sleeping with two men who lost their fathers under identical circumstances might be enough of a coincidence to jog his memory.
“Just an accident,” he said. “Details don’t matter. I’m feeling responsible, though. I was there. I tried to save him and I failed.”
“Shit. But you didn’t cause the accident?”
“No.”
“But you feel guilty?”
“Not guilty, exactly.” Alan stared off at the dim light coming from behind the shaded window. “More like...a failure. A huge failure. It’s kind of a pattern for me. I just hoped this time would be different.”
“Oh.” Pete smiled comfortingly and rubbed Alan’s shoulder. “You’re not a failure if you tried. You’d be a failure if you didn’t try.”
Alan returned Pete’s smile, then rolled over onto his back. “Yeah.”
Pete propped himself up. He put his free hand on Alan’s shoulder and shook it. “Hey! Don’t blow off my advice just because I’m younger than you.”
Alan laughed. “You’re younger than me. That’s so weird.” He took Pete’s hand and kissed it. “I’m not blowing you off. I promise. It’s just not that simple.”
“It is, though. I don’t know. I don’t know what happened with your dad, I don’t mean to sound like it’s not a big deal or like you shouldn’t feel whatever you’re feeling about not being able to save him. But it sounds like you’re almost saying you shouldn’t have tried because you were doomed to fail.”
“I might have been,” Alan replied. “I’m not sure it was ever possible for me to save him. I knew at the start I probably would fail. There was no point to any of it.”
