Swing Out of the Blue, page 32
Back in her own bedroom, Sophia opened her laptop to find Tima already online. Soon, Tima’s face was up on Sophia’s screen, and she spoke before Sophia had a chance. “You could have waited a couple of days before dropping that particular bombshell.”
So, Tima already knew. Sophia had given Zack the clue yesterday during a quiet moment cuddled on her couch, but she hadn’t expected them to figure it out so quickly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tima asked. Sophia shook her head. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Sophia said firmly. Her misadventure was four years ago. Other matters were more pressing. “How’s Iftin?”
“Physically, she’s fine,” Tima said quietly. “Mentally ... a psychiatrist’s going to examine her this morning. They’ll discharge her today, if ... if they don’t think she’s at risk of trying again.”
Therefore, choose life. Sophia felt weary. She could hardly imagine how Fatima must feel. “If an expert says she’s okay ...”
“They won’t know,” Tima said. “They can’t know.” With her voice so soft, she sounded defeated. “We’re risking Iftin’s life on an educated guess.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her roommate observed her seriously. “You, of all people, have nothing to be sorry for. She’s alive because of you.”
For now. They weren’t out of the woods yet. “Have you talked to her?”
“Yeah.” Tima frowned. “She’s saying the right things, mostly, but ...”
You know what fucking mask. Aside from some text messages, Iftin had hidden this attempt perfectly. If she intended another, she’d do the same. It was heartbreaking, but depression still felt shameful to Iftin. Which is why you made the video. That’s why you’re speaking in Toronto instead of dancing in Kingston. Making this okay to talk about could save lives. It was important to remember that. It was too easy, even after spending Monday night at the hospital, to forget.
“Sophie, I’m scared,” Tima said suddenly. “My dad’s letting her go to her school dance—after everything, he couldn’t refuse—but she doesn’t care about that dance. She’s still planning to sneak out to Quest.”
“Quest might be good for her.” Swing dancing had saved Sophia’s life ... but not Iftin’s, she remembered like a punch to the gut. Iftin had cut herself after a KISS dance once. Sophia realized guiltily that she hadn’t told Tima yet. The family had seen the scars in the hospital, but Sophia had never let on that she already knew. “At least at Quest, you could keep an eye on her.”
“That’s what I told her,” Fatima said. “Dad could drop us off and pick us up together. She’d be with family the entire time, but Iftin wouldn’t even ask him. She was too sure he’d say no.”
Sophia shook her head. “Quest is safer than high school. KISS dancers would pay more attention to her than teachers will.”
“I’ll talk to the teachers today,” Tima said. “I’ll make sure they watch her and don’t let her leave without a family member. Kyle’s still promising to walk her to Quest, but I don’t trust him. I’ll end up walking her, and lying to my parents, and getting her back to school before my dad picks her up at midnight, but what am I supposed to do? I want Iftin watched 24/7, but constant monitoring helped drive her to it in the first place. How do you balance that? I can’t change my parents, but I can’t keep up with the lies and the secrets and protect Iftin at the same time.” Tima’s face became grainy and pixelated then snapped back into focus. Her eyes were far away and more pained than Sophia had ever seen them. “I should have gone out west,” Tima said quietly.
“Tima—”
“I’m no good to her here,” Fatima declared more loudly. “I’m no good to anyone.”
“That’s not true.”
“She did it because of me!” Tima was suddenly wide-eyed. “She thinks I stayed in Kingston for her, and if she was gone, I’d be free to—”
“Fatima, listen to me. Iftin has a disease. Her depression’s talking, not her. She wouldn’t be safer with you across the country. She’d be less safe. She’d have less support.”
“How do you know?” Her voice, quiet again, gave the question a philosophical tone. “How do you ever know?”
Sophia had no good response. “You don’t, I guess.”
A pause. Silence. Then: “I didn’t stay for her.”
“Why did you?” Sophia asked.
“Because of course I did,” Tima said. “Staying with family was ingrained my whole life. The scholarship in Vancouver was just leverage to negotiate for my own apartment in Kingston. It never crossed my mind to actually leave.” She shook her head in frustration. “Do you know how messed up that is? To think I didn’t even have a choice?”
Sophia nodded. Therefore, choose life. Knowing she had choices had kept Sophia going, but even she needed the reminder. “What are you going to do now?” she asked.
Tima shrugged. “Finish third year. Write the LSAT. Help Iftin as best I can. Hopefully, find some time during the summer to really reflect on things.”
“Dance first, think later.” Sophia had a t-shirt that said that. Apparently, it was a quote from Samuel Beckett. “Tima, I’m sorry, I have to go to MHAC now, but ... thank you.”
“What for?”
“Telling me that,” Sophia said. “I’m still really bad at ... you know, talking about serious stuff, but ... it helps when I see other people do it.”
Tima nodded. “Good luck tomorrow.”
“Thanks. Tell Iftin—I don’t know what to tell her, but thank her for the mask.” The Haddads had insisted on a personalized gift for Sophia after she saved Iftin’s life, and Iftin remembered which mask was Sophia’s favourite. The task had fallen to the ever-selfless Fatima to retrieve it from the basement tableau. Now the mask lay on Sophia’s nightstand in Toronto: black and white, light and shadow, stirring up fear and despair and pain, all the secrets hidden inside Sophia encapsulated in a few inches of wood and paint. Iftin was truly an artist.
That was Sophia’s strength, too. She wasn’t good at vulnerability or sharing, and she was a fraud as a mental-health example, but as an artist, Sophia could be genuine. Her video had accomplished something. People related to it. Iftin related to it. That was what Sophia could truly contribute to MHAC’s summit: not her own paltry stories, but the power of the medium and the words she had crafted to translate experiences, to help people understand.
Sophia needed to get dressed, but she could spare five minutes for her video. It still felt uncomfortable hearing her voice-overs. Sophia’s voice sounded deeper than it did in her head, disconnected and haunting. “You are not alone.”
On the screen, blue figures hugged their knees despondently. They multiplied, filling the space. Sophia, watching, imagined that she was one of them, and Iftin was another. They stared in opposite directions, not recognizing each other, so close yet so far. “We are not alone.” The screen was blue, and it faded, slowly, to black.
“Now help us believe it.”
*
Zachary
Stooley’s diner was quiet. The dancers were its only patrons, and they were subdued. Kyle brooded by the window. Andy sneezed loudly into a napkin. Rhea looked exhausted and Dani on edge. This week had drained all of them.
Ahmed, sitting between Zack and Kyle in the restaurant booth, rapped the table. “I just heard from Fatima. Iftin’s getting discharged today.”
Cheers broke out around the table, until Andy collapsed into a coughing fit and Dani pounded his back harder than necessary, nearly causing him to face-plant into a basket of French fries seasoned with chicken stock powder.
“Is Tima coming?” Andy asked once he recovered.
“No,” Ahmed said. “She’s at Iftin’s school, talking to teachers about keeping Iftin safe at the dance tomorrow.”
“Let’s start, then.” With Sophia in Toronto and Tima focused on family, this was the group that would manage Quest. “Thank you all for being here,” Andy said. “I couldn’t have asked for a better team. It’s been tough, but we’ve pulled through together. Starting tomorrow, we relax. We dance. All year, we’ve talked about saving the club. Here’s our chance. We have ninety people registered. If we can get them excited, KISS rides that momentum into next school year and beyond.” Andy sneezed again but still managed to say, “We’re in the home stretch. Let’s kick ass this weekend.”
Zack felt guilty as Andy praised the executive for sticking together. Zack had almost quit, and he’d driven Rhea to do the same. Rhea was helping with Quest, but she still refused to make any commitment for next year. Maybe they’d be better off if I had quit. Zack had failed KISS on Monday. He hadn’t protected Kyle. He’d capitulated to the bullies. Worse, Zack had completely misjudged Iftin’s situation. If Sophia had listened to him, the girl might be dead.
“Tomorrow,” Andy continued, “we’re meeting at 7:00 to decorate Wallace. Zack will bring the cashbox and a laptop for registration. Doors open at 8:00.” Andy sneezed again. “The band starts at 8:30. We’ll perform during the first band break. Performers, make sure to practice with your partners tomorrow. I’ll open Wallace early so we can do a couple of run-throughs between 6:30 and—”
“Andy!” Rhea shouted. She’d been trying to get his attention for some time.
“What?”
“You’re not performing tomorrow,” Rhea said. “Listen to yourself.”
“He can’t,” Dani quipped. “He never stops talking long enough.”
“It’s just a cold,” Andy said. “I’ll take some drugs, and—”
“You’ll still be contagious,” Rhea said. “I’m your partner. I can’t be sick during exams.”
“Exams?” Andy thundered. “This is lindy hop! Where are your priorities?”
Ahmed tried a softer approach. “Rhea, I understand, but fewer couples means new formations, and I’m afraid it’s too late for that. Fatima can’t learn new choreography tomorrow.”
Andy tried to respond but broke down coughing instead. He really wouldn’t be dancing tomorrow. First Sophia, then Tima, now our president. How many more people could they afford to lose?
“Zack could replace Andy,” Ahmed suggested. “He knows the routine from Festival.”
“Hey, Rhea,” Kyle said cruelly, “how do you feel about wearing a cast during exams?”
Zack reddened. Had he really messed up that badly on Monday night? She’ll be here, he had kept reassuring Kyle, and he’d been horribly, horribly wrong.
He could try to do right by Rhea, at least. “Rhea and I shouldn’t be partners,” Zack said. “We’ve never done an aerial together.”
“I can coach you,” Andy said. “By tomorrow night, you’ll be—”
Andy broke off mid-sentence. Dani stiffened, then made a deliberate show of nonchalance. Zack felt a tickle of fear in his throat. Kyle’s face held only anger. Rhea seemed not to have noticed, her attention consumed by her phone, until Dani nudged her and snarled, “Look who decided to show up.”
They stopped right at Zack’s shoulder, and he willed himself not to cower from them. “Kylie!” Polczynski said. “Where have you been?” He grinned and nudged MacTavish, who looked bored. “Fucking the freak?”
Kyle recoiled at the insult, and Ahmed looked horrified. Dani’s fists were clenched. They don’t know, Zack realized. Iftin’s been away from school, but they don’t know why.
Rhea, at least, kept her composure. “Hello, Liam. Derek.” She regarded them carefully. “We prefer using people’s names,” she added.
Zack had to admire Rhea’s nerve. Even Polczynski eyed her with a grudging respect. “Derek,” Rhea continued, “I believe you were suggesting that Kyle Strathearn has been intimate with ... Iftin Haddad, is it?”
“The freak,” Polczynski repeated, “but I was wrong. Even Iftin has better taste. Kylie’s been jerking off to her profile pics. Or maybe fucking his fag brother?”
Dani lunged toward the bullies. Andy had to hold him back. “This ends!” Dani shouted. “Now!”
“That’s fair,” Polczynski said casually. “Two of us. Six of you.”
“Five and a half,” MacTavish said. “The elf doesn’t count.”
“Yeah, and the fat kid will just piss himself. But—”
“I’ll take you one on one,” Dani said, “but this ends.”
“Let’s go,” Mac told Polchy. “We can eat somewhere else.”
Polczynski laughed. “Are you afraid of this fag?”
Dani grew even angrier. Vainly, Rhea called his name. Andy looked conflicted, but he stood. He was taller than Polczynski, more muscular than MacTavish. “Two on two,” Andy announced. “You sure you want to do this?”
The effect was ruined, though, when Andy collapsed into a coughing fit. The bullies looked at each other incredulously. “I’ll take those odds,” Polczynski said. Kyle was watching intently but not calmly. Zack could feel the boy’s anger bubbling beneath the surface, mingled with fear. Both bullies were bigger than Dani. Zack knew Dani could fight, but so could Polczynski. With Andy not at his best, the bullies might kill them.
Even if Andy and Dani won, would anything change? Would the bullies leave Kyle alone, or would they just torment him more in revenge? Rhea was gesturing at the boys, silently trying to calm them, but they ignored her. It was up to Zack to stop this. The bullies don’t know what they did. If they only knew ...
“Wait!” Zack shouted.
Blood pounded in his ears. The room wavered. Zack positioned himself between Dani and Polchy, creating a barrier with his bulk. “This needs to end,” Zack said shakily, “but it won’t end this way, no matter who wins. We need to see each other as good people, or—or just as people.”
Polczynski sniggered. Kyle’s eyes narrowed, and Andy and Dani looked sceptical. Rhea nodded, though, the slightest hint of encouragement. You’re not as messed up as you think.
“Polchy,” Mac said, “let’s go.” He doesn’t want to fight, Zack realized. Zack had always seen Liam and Derek as a monolith, but they weren’t. They were individuals. Humans.
“That fucker wants to end me,” Polchy argued.
“He didn’t say end you,” Zack said. “He said end this. You need to know what this is. Iftin—after you went into her locker—she—” He glanced at Ahmed, who was closest to Iftin’s family. Ahmed didn’t stop him. Neither did anyone else. “She attempted suicide,” Zack said. “I—I know you guys didn’t intend that. You’re good people, and it was a joke that went too far, and if—if you just apologize, then we could—”
“Join hands?” Dani asked sarcastically. “Sing Kumbaya?”
“Everyone makes mistakes,” Zack told the bullies. “Just admit you went too far, and—”
“Fine,” Polchy said. “I went too far.” He grinned mischievously. Rhea slid closer to him. “I went all the way to the freak’s locker, and—well, tell them, Mac.”
Mac averted his eyes. “We still know Iftin’s locker combo. We thought we’d give her a welcome back surprise.” He hesitated. “So, we, uh, filled it with pill bottles.”
“And a noose,” Polchy added. “Give her a little nudge in the right direction.” He was grinning. No one else was.
“You—you—” Zack blubbered. Good people. A joke that went too far. How naïve Zack was.
“She wants to go,” Polczynski said, “and we want her to go. It’s a win-win.”
Kyle’s scream was like nothing human. The boy shoved past Ahmed and out of the booth. Zack ran to block him, but that meant he was no longer separating Dani and Polchy, whose fists were raised. Andy caught Dani by the arm and hauled him backward. “Take me,” Andy told Polchy. Zack searched for an ally, but Ahmed was stunned, and after an initial gasp, Rhea had returned to her phone. Polchy stepped toward Andy as Kyle struggled to get through Zack to the bullies. “Let me go,” Kyle warned Zack. “I swear to god, anyone who gets in my way, I will—”
“Now,” Rhea shouted as she slammed her hands on the table loudly enough to rattle the dishes, “this really does end.”
Dani stopped struggling. Slowly, the others followed. “Dani, Andy, Kyle,” Rhea said, “sit down. Fighting isn’t necessary.”
Dani bristled. “I’ll decide what’s necessary for my—”
“Shut up, Dani,” Rhea said. “Liam, Derek, you are never going to lay a finger on Kyle or Iftin ever again. You’re never going to insult them, or laugh at them, or steal their belongings. In fact, you’ll go out of your way to make them feel as comfortable as possible.”
“Why should I—”
“Because,” Rhea replied, waving her phone, “I’ve been recording you from the moment you walked in.”
There was stunned silence. Zack regarded Rhea with awe. Kyle didn’t seem to register what was happening. “You just admitted,” Rhea continued, “that you tried to pressure a teenage girl into her second suicide attempt. Don’t bother covering your tracks. I’ve already backed up the audio file, and Fatima’s at your school now, taking photos of Iftin’s locker. We’ve finally unmasked you, and we can get you expelled, maybe even convicted. We won’t, though. Not if you stay on your best behaviour ...”
“Let’s go,” Mac said. Zack had never seen the boy so frightened. Polczynski glared at Rhea murderously, but MacTavish grabbed his friend around the chest and dragged him from the restaurant.
Slowly, the tension subsided. Zack released Kyle, who sagged into the booth. Andy tried to praise Rhea but collapsed into another coughing fit. Ahmed stood. “I’d better go. In case they do try to cover their tracks, I don’t want Fatima to be alone at the school.” He turned to Rhea before he left. “You were incredible. Thank you.”
“Incredible is right!” Dani draped an arm around Rhea’s shoulder, which she allowed, though she looked weary. “That’s the Rhea Johnson I know.”
Andy finally stopped coughing long enough to agree. “Brilliant. We need someone who can—”
