Buying You on the Day You Were to Die, page 11
I then asked Masudzuki-san to take me to the construction site at night to investigate him myself. Given that he worked all night and slept through the day, that was the only way I could see him. He left the house only for work.
I’d wanted to see him. I’d wanted to be satisfied with a glimpse of him and then move on with my life.
I hadn’t recognized him at first.
Roughly a year had passed since I’d last seen him; he’d been smiling as he pushed his mother around in her wheelchair. He had lost a lot of weight and looked awfully pale. His eyes were much fiercer than before, and his expression as he waved the safety light sticks didn’t contain a trace of kindness.
No, I’d thought on impulse. No, this can’t be him.
I had seen his current expression countless times in the hospital—always on people who had given up on life.
If he’s lost the will to live but still needs money...
What does he need it for?
I considered it, and only one thing made sense to me.
“You’re so kind...”
That thought filled my mind. Putting together everything I’d heard about him, I arrived at a sad conclusion.
He must have wanted to fulfill his final duty after he’d spent so much time trying to act as her protector—a responsibility he’d taken on his own only after feeling forced to do so. Did he think that his life was meaningless now that his mother was gone?
And still, he kept going. Not for his own sake, but for hers.
He would stay kind to the very end.
I borrowed a notepad from Masudzuki-san and wrote my address. If he wouldn’t listen to what I had to say, I would at least give him this.
My plan went better than I could have hoped. It was all thanks to his compassion.
I didn’t care what happened to me, but I wanted him to be happy. So, I got ahead of myself, and even though I had thought about how to wrap everything up in the end, I never figured out how to tell him how this contract would end.
I’d let myself languish in my happiness.
I didn’t want to think about how all this might end.
So now that I’d collapsed before him, awoken next to him...what could I possibly tell him at this point?
***
It wasn’t until four days later that I saw Nishikawa conscious again. Kasumi-san led me to the hospital room he was in. Inside, their mother offered me a chair, smiled, and exited.
Leaving just the two of us.
By now he had fewer tubes attached to him, and he looked less pale than before.
I didn’t know what to say. As I sat there, considering my next words, some time passed in my silence. He was the one who spoke first.
“I didn’t want things to turn out like this.” He sounded different than usual, his voice hoarse and faint.
He raised the corners of his lips and fell quiet for a while. He always did this when he was thinking. I gave him space.
“This wasn’t the first time I thought it might be over for me,” he continued. “I got a little too comfortable and pushed myself too hard. I wanted to spend five years with you, part ways, and then die in peace. It was all wishful thinking, but I really thought I could make it.”
He was even more vague than usual.
Dr. Yumihara had told me not to get mad. I thought I could do that much, but it wasn’t until I entered Nishikawa’s hospital room that I realized I’d been carrying around just a little bit of anger after all.
Why hadn’t he told me anything? Why had he hidden everything from me? If I had known he was sick, I wouldn’t have gotten the stupid yakiniku job.
But all those complaints disappeared the moment I saw his face. Now, I was willing to let it go. All his friends who’d kept it a secret for him must have felt the same way at some point.
Nishikawa Kadzuki’s word was law.
“You really thought life would be so simple?” The voice that left my mouth sounded much gentler and more relieved than I’d expected.
“I know, right? How naive of me. I had so many people covering for me, and I still failed. I’m sorry.”
“Start from the beginning. In excruciating detail.”
“Even if there’ll be no going back after that?”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that?”
He nodded with a smile, then looked at his fingers gripping the sheets. I wanted him to tell me the long and short of it. I didn’t push, merely staring at his fingers with him.
“The first time I saw you was here—Sakuma University Hospital. We were in middle school. I saw you pushing your mother’s wheelchair around the courtyard. You had this really tender look on your face. Your father sometimes came around and started yelling, and the nurses had to stop him. You clung to him whenever he did, even if he then turned his anger on you. You were kind the entire time. Even when you were in tears as he yelled at you, you always stood up for your mom. I was really impressed with how strong you were.”
I listened, taking in his explanation.
“I found myself in the hospital every now and then. Sometimes you were there too, and other times, you weren’t. I looked forward to seeing you. I didn’t feel the need to talk to you. I was happy watching you from afar. Just witnessing your compassion had a healing effect on my soul. Eventually, you stopped coming around, and I gave up hope of ever seeing you again. I didn’t even know your name. If you never came to the hospital again, that would be it.”
That must have been when my mother died. After that, I was desperate to make money and barely returned to the hospital, her medical bills remaining unpaid.
“But in my junior year of high school, Dr. Yumihara told me my heart was getting worse. My heart hadn’t been great to begin with, and even after several surgeries, I kept having issues. I wouldn’t get any better. My family was told from my birth that I wouldn’t live as long as the average person, but then we learned my heart got worse sooner than expected. When the doctor told me that, you were the first person I thought of.”
He continued. “I was happy just watching you, but when I thought I might die without ever seeing you again, suddenly I was desperate to speak with you. I asked my family for help with my selfish request, hired investigators, found out who you were, and went to see you. That was when I approached you at that construction site during your night shift.”
I remembered that time—our first meeting. Now that I thought of it, when he’d approached me with a smile, his movements had been pretty stiff. He must have been nervous after all.
“You know, I really just wanted to see you at first. But when I did, you looked completely different from what I was used to. You seemed ready to die on the spot, but you were still working so hard. When I asked myself why, I knew the answer was your kindness.”
I probably shouldn’t argue that I’m not particularly kind here.
He’d decided I was, and perhaps that was all the proof I needed. For as long as I’d known him, I’d seen how perceptive he was.
“I knew you wanted to kill yourself after your mother’s funeral was over.”
I could neither confirm nor deny it. I didn’t have any concrete plan in mind back then. But just like Toyota had told me once, it must have been obvious to those around me. Not to mention I couldn’t really see my future beyond my mother’s funeral anyway.
I had accepted that after the funeral, I’d have completed my life’s purpose.
“When I realized what you were thinking, I approached you on impulse and gave you my address then and there. Everything after that happened by chance.”
He’d picked me up. Just like he’d picked up my trash, my meaning, my emotions, and just about everything else.
Even if he did it all for himself at the end of the day.
“I didn’t want you to die. I wanted to make you happy... No, that’s not it. I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to live, and I wanted you by my side, so I bought you. I thought if I tied you down with a contract, that would keep you from leaving for good.”
And then, he finally turned to me again. His beautiful eyes were smiling as always, a wave ready to crash from behind them. He spoke in a clear voice as he held back tears.
“I know it wasn’t right. And I was okay with that if it meant having you by my side, Sacchan.”
“I’d like to buy your time—for two hundred thousand yen a month.”
He had bought me. That was obviously wrong. And at the same time, there was nothing wrong with it at all. This was the only means to achieve his goal—you could even say he had found the only correct answer.
“I love you, Sacchan,” he said without hesitation.
“I’d like you to stay with me for the rest of my life.”
Love wasn’t measured in words but through actions. I reflected on that. His actions had carried nothing but love from the very beginning.
Love.
I thought life had taught me that love was an empty box. Nothing could change that tragic ending after all. Was there something I still wanted to see? Did I have the courage to see it?
No matter what I asked myself, I couldn’t find the answer.
“So it was all for me,” I said.
Taken aback, he widened his eyes. The shock broke the surface tension. He shook his head. Instead of looking at his face, I followed the path of his tears. Where they fell, they darkened the white of the sheets.
“I was bound for the dumpster anyway...but you picked me up.”
I was bound for the dumpster. I had planned to leave everything behind. Once my mother’s funeral was over, I’d had nothing else to live for.
His decisions and actions had all been self-centered.
And yet, even though my mother’s funeral was over, I still had so much. I could list so many things that I still held in my hands. He had given me all of them.
The box had always been full; I’d simply never opened it.
I took the file out of my bag. It contained the contracts that he had placed in the living room.
When we signed the first contract at the Nishikawa residence, there were seventeen of them. Now there were only two. One for October and one for January. I took both out and rolled them up. I threw them in the trash—three points.
“I don’t think I can reciprocate your feelings. But if you don’t mind that, I’ll stay with you.”
Even as he shed big fat tears, his eyes were as clear and beautiful as ever.
Now, I finally wanted to reach out and grab it.
This was a sandcastle. Even knowing that, my decision wouldn’t change.
“I’ll stay with you for the rest of your life,” I said.
His eyes scared me.
They were warm—so warm that they made me believe that love was real after all. Those eyes were watching me.
They scared me more than I could say.
As I left his hospital room and headed for the elevator, I saw the Nishikawa family in the lounge. My gaze met Kasumi-san’s, and she took me to the hospital’s courtyard. We sat side by side on a bench.
“He said he saw me here,” I said.
“Apparently. I wasn’t there, but Kadzuki often told me about it.”
The courtyard was the way I remembered it. Everyone called it a courtyard, but technically, it wasn’t enclosed on all sides. It was simply a paved path winding between the multiple inpatient wards. It contained simple flower beds, slopes, and benches scattered around the perimeter.
It was close to the cardiac surgery ward, so I used to visit it often with my mother. It felt like the only place where she’d had contact with the outside world. Otherwise, she’d been confined to her closed-off hospital bed.
“He told me everything. There are still some things I don’t understand, but it explains a lot. So it’s not like you had a list of candidates and chose me because I was best suited for the role.”
“No. It always had to be you, Sacchan. Honestly, I was surprised at first. You seemed quite different from the kind person Kadzuki had described. But after a while, I was glad it was you. I still am.”
Kasumi-san watched me intently. Her gaze was warm, just like his.
“Thank you for not abandoning Kadzuki,” she added.
“I haven’t told you my decision yet. I’m surprised you know it without me saying it, though.”
“You’re kind and honest, Sacchan. If you had rejected him, you’d look more awkward and guilty right now.”
I laughed dryly.
Sitting here really brought back memories. Pushing my mother’s wheelchair when I took her out to get some fresh air, admonishing my yelling father, telling my mother that my father was gone...
All those ugly emotions that were born in this hospital.
I wasn’t kind at all.
I was scared, angry, envious, and resentful. I had always hated everything.
Whatever he saw in me wasn’t the real me—but I didn’t mind that.
“It’s a good thing he fell in love with me of all people,” I murmured.
When he’d admitted his feelings to me, that was the only emotion that had appeared in my heart.
Kasumi-san brought her fingers to her brow. “I don’t know what to say...”
Her usual smile was nowhere to be found, her expression stiff. I immediately understood her words. We both knew her brother would end up in the same place as my mother.
“I’m really glad you chose to stay by Kadzuki’s side, Sacchan. But this must be so difficult for you. I’m his family, but you got dragged into this... He won’t get any better.”
Kasumi-san answered my question before I had a chance to ask it.
“He doesn’t have long left to live. He wouldn’t have asked you to stay with him otherwise.”
“I see.”
I stood up and walked over to a nearby vending machine. Kasumi-san caught up with me and took out her wallet.
“I’ll buy you whatever you want.”
“Then I’ll have black coffee... I’d like to try it.”
“Try it... Huh? You’ve never had black coffee before?”
Looking skeptical, she handed me the can that came out. Kasumi-san got herself an unflavored tea before we returned to the bench.
As I walked, I hooked my finger around the pull tab. A cold aroma wafted from the air. I had a vague idea at that point, but I steeled my nerves and took a sip.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
Kasumi-san turned around, concerned that drinking coffee had made me burst out laughing. I kept laughing all the same. Really? I’d thought growing up poor made everything taste good.
“Oh, this is horrible.”
“Hey, you got it for free.”
“No, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I haven’t had store-bought coffee in a long time. I’ve never liked it, and it’s not even a good source of hydration.”
We sat back down on the bench. I took another sip, and it was just as bad as the first.
“I only drink coffee with you at the café and when your brother makes it at home. But I don’t really know what makes coffee good, and for a long time, I didn’t really see the difference between the fancy stuff and instant coffee, but I was wrong. It does taste different. The coffee he makes for me is great.”
“I’ve been saying that the entire time. Were you drinking it without any appreciation? Well... I guess you’re spoiled! Stuck on Kadzuki’s coffee from now on.”
“I guess so...”
What had he done to me?
I thought about the four years we’d spent together. He must have influenced so many things about me from my coffee preferences to my lifestyle—even things I’d never asked for. Even things I wasn’t even aware of.
No matter how much I’d try to erase him, he would never go away.
Before I knew it, he had filled the void in my heart.
“I’m sure I’ve learned many things from him by now.”
“He was just pursuing what would make him happy. That’s why he was holding himself back around you. He felt guilty. He’d gotten this far pretending not to notice your feelings.”
“That was him holding back?”
“Yes. While you two were living together, he never really got angry with you, did he? In truth, he said he couldn’t. He spent every day immersed in your kindness, so he said he had no right to be angry. He kept that to himself because he felt guilty.”
Kasumi-san was right. That was why everyone told me not to blame him. Because, even though they acknowledged his arrogant behavior, they understood his feelings to a frustrating degree. Even though they knew he deserved the consequences, they still didn’t wish it upon him.
I felt the same way.
I thought he was like a jewel. Expensive, noble, and only fit for the most chosen. He wasn’t a person who should belong to someone like me, but he’d fallen into my life by some strange twist of fate. For a reason I still didn’t comprehend, he’d chosen me, so I had no choice but to cherish him.
I didn’t know how to do that with anything, but I wanted to cherish him the way he’d shown me.
I found myself wishing for that.
“I’m glad I can make him happy.”
Even so...
The end wasn’t far off now.
I immediately quit my restaurant job. It was beyond irresponsible to resign considering my shifts, but I refused to back down. I got his permission to tell them I had to take care of my sick roommate and basically forced them to accept my resignation.
On my final day there, Ozaki-san invited me to close up the restaurant with her.
We often left work at the same time. Because Ozaki-san worked there full-time and I was one of the few male part-timers, we often worked the late shift together. However, this was the first time she’d informed me of that ahead of time.
Ozaki-san took the train in the opposite direction, but we walked the short distance to the station side by side.
“I’m gonna miss you,” she said.
“I’m sorry this was so sudden.”
“No, don’t worry about it. You were tons of help, but we’ll manage somehow. And it makes perfect sense, considering your reason for quitting. Very kind of you to take care of your roommate... Or is it something other than kindness?”
