Body Language Mastery, page 21
Here are the top secrets for developing greater empathy:
Traveling periodically to experience different places, cultures, lifestyles, and beliefs is a great way to develop empathy and appreciation for people whose lives are different from yours. You'll develop a better understanding and appreciation of people who are different from you. There will be a keener understanding of why they think and act the way they do.
Examine your covert and overt biases. Most of us operate with certain biases centered on race, gender, age, education, profession, etc. They act as an obstacle when it comes to empathizing or listening to people. Make a list of biases that you think you possess and try to read opinions that are contrary to your biases. Look for evidence that challenges your thinking and gradually try to overcome these biases.
Nurture a productive curiosity. You can learn something from an ‘inexperienced subordinate,’ a ‘picky client,’ or a ‘hotheaded boss.’ Rather than labeling people, develop a sense of curiosity about what you can genuinely learn from them. This will lead to a stronger understanding and appreciation of the people around you.
Volunteer at an NGO or charity organization in your free time. It will not only help you appreciate what you already have but will also facilitate greater empathy for people who aren’t as fortunate as you. The knowledge that you made a positive impact on someone’s life will make you feel better about yourself. When you spend time with the less fortunate, you develop the ability to understand other people’s challenges and problems, which in turn boosts your empathy factor.
During situations where there is a conflict because of a difference in opinion, a resolution becomes easier when you understand the other party's underlying fears, needs, and motivations. Even when they are negative towards you, you’ll understand why. Watch debates (especially during elections) to appreciate different points of view and understand why people think the way they do. If you find yourself tilting in any one direction, quickly look for evidence that is contrary to your stand. This will help you develop the ability to appreciate multiple points of view without being dogmatic about your stand. At its essence, empathy is about developing a greater understanding of another person's point of view or situation even when you don't necessarily agree with them.
Practice predicting how a person will act or react in a certain situation by placing yourself in their shoes. This will give you greater insight and perceptiveness into how people feel about any given situation.
Be fully present by keeping away your phone, turning off your email alerts, and mindfully listening to the other person. According to the research conducted by a professor at UCLA, things we speak make up for only seven percent of the message we are trying to communicate. The other 93 percent is determined by our body language and tone of voice. You are missing important clues if you aren’t fully focusing on the other person while communicating with them.
They may be saying something that is contrary to what they feel, which you will miss if you are too preoccupied to focus on their non-verbal signals.
Smiles are infectious. It rarely happens that someone smiles at you, and you don’t smile in return. It the fastest way to connect with people and show solidarity or empathy towards them. A simple smile can boost feel-good hormones within the brain and stimulate its reward centers. You’ll do yourself and others a whole lot of good by smiling.
Address people by their names and praise them publicly. What is it that you heard about praising people publicly and admonishing them in private? Efficient leaders have mastered the art of using people’s names while addressing them and using more encouraging statements. Make each person feel important by highlighting their skills or accomplishments in public. This inspires them to do even better work. Even when a person’s performance slips, keep referring to accomplishments in public to remind them of their true potential. People respond wonderfully to praise.
Give specific compliments to people. Your empathy and social-emotional quotient will increase when you learn to be more specific while appreciating people. For example, instead of saying, “You did a good job,” tell someone, “The project was very well-researched and thorough despite the fact that the topic was complex and extensive,” or, “Would you like to share the inspiration behind your brilliant sales growth concept?”
Be a listening champ
We saw how listening is intrinsic to the process of assertiveness and empathy, both of which are vital for boosting your social-emotional quotient.
Listening isn't only about hearing out what people are saying. It is also figuring out what they leave unspoken through their body language, voice, emotions, and choice of words. Let us consider an example to better understand how listening (or tuning in to verbal and non-verbal patterns) is integral to the process of communication.
It’s Friday evening, and after a hectic week at work, everyone is getting ready to let their hair down over the weekend. They are shutting down their computers and getting ready to leave when the company CEO, Sue, walks in and informs them that the deadline for the project they’ve been working so hard on is pushed ahead by two weeks.
Everyone is naturally disappointed and stressed. The project head sits silently at her desk wondering how to comply with the deadline. The project manager, Ann, says, “We will still do a good job and submit the project according to the new deadline.” Another employee, Dan, gets to work on his computer, and few people leave the office. A majority of team members say they can handle the new adjustments. Sue leaves the office thinking like it went way better than she thought it would.
What she didn’t catch was the inconsistency in the body language and words of the project manager, who left the office in a rage, while she replied to an email from a prospective recruiter. Other team members went to grab a coffee and were almost in tears from the newfound stress they will face.
Yes, no one told Sue how they truly felt when she asked for feedback. So, how was she supposed to know how they really felt about the deadline being pushed? Do you think she was in any way responsible for not understanding her employees’ feelings? Of course, she didn’t really listen or tune in to what they were trying to convey. She went by their words but failed to catch what they left unsaid. A major part of social-emotional intelligence is to understand what people leave unsaid.
Here are some tips to develop ace listening skills:
Keep an open mind. Avoid operating with a pre-conditioned, or prejudiced, mind and be more open to listening to people without labeling or criticizing them. I’d say one of the biggest challenges in the process of communication is listening to people without jumping to conclusions. Don’t attempt to hijack the conversation or try to finish their sentences. Remember, the person is communicating their ideas, thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Let them freely express themselves without being interrupted.
We often spend more time planning what we are going to say in response to something rather than actively listening to a person to understand them. Don’t listen to respond. Listen to understand what the person is trying to convey. Focus completely on what the speaker is saying rather than rehearsing your responses. Even if something seems uninteresting, listen to it.
Wait for the speaker to pause before asking questions or clarifying doubts. Don’t interrupt someone in the middle of their speech. Rather, hold your questions until they pause. “Let us go back a few seconds. I didn't really understand what you meant by XYZ." Sometimes our questions can throw people in a totally different direction from where they intend to take the conversation. When the speaker is going in a different direction, get them back on the original topic by saying something like, “It was wonderful knowing about ABC, but tell us more about XYZ now.”
Conclusion
Thank you for making it through to the end of this book, let’s hope it was informative and was able to provide you with all the tools you need to achieve your goals.
I hope you enjoyed reading it and that you were able to learn the finer aspects of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and social relationships. I also hope it offered you plenty of inspiring ideas, practical tips, and nuggets of wisdom about boosting your emotional quotient, or emotional intelligence.
The best part is, unlike intelligence quotient, emotional quotient can be developed through regular practice, training, and application. Improving your emotional intelligence is a continuous and dynamic process that helps you enhance your skills over time.
The next step is to simply go out there and use all the proven strategies mentioned in the book. You can’t become more emotionally intelligent overnight by reading about it. Apply the techniques mentioned in the book in your everyday life to witness results!
You’ll gradually transform from an emotionally incompetent individual who struggles with their own and other people’s emotions to an emotionally evolved and socially adept individual, who will enjoy better interpersonal relationships and professional success in life.
Finally, if you found this book useful in any way, a review on Amazon is always appreciated!
Brandon Cooper, Body Language Mastery
