Deadliest of Bonds: (The Blight 2), page 24
“I don’t pretend to understand what happened,” Ash said, making Thea’s fists clench, “but I do know what it’s like to lose someone you love.”
She turned to him and saw that his own eyes seemed to shine with tears. But she must be mistaken. She looked away quickly because the emotions on his face were painful to see. “Why are you telling me this?” she breathed.
Even if there was something comforting in the fact that he hadn’t said those words she hated “I’m sorry”, she didn’t understand why he was speaking about his own pain so freely with her. Not when she had been particularly hostile toward him.
“Because I can feel a fraction of your pain, even through the barrier, even if you try to hide it. I can only imagine what you must feel and if talking about it can help lessen it, then I am available any time you want.”
“I don’t talk.” Thea swallowed hard and rubbed her temples.
“I know.”
Thea was surprised to realize that she didn’t mind his words. She usually hated that he knew her that well after so little time spent together. But she also didn’t, because as she’d said, she didn’t like to talk. And she’d realized that not having to explain everything was somewhat comforting.
“What are we supposed to do during the journey?” she asked to change the subject. “Kill time?”
“As long as you don’t kill people,” he commented. When Thea rolled his eyes, he added, “How about you fly a little?”
Thea frowned. “I don’t see how that would help anyone?”
“You didn’t ask what would help,” he replied, “but what you were supposed to do. And I’m afraid you’re the only one who can know that, so I was just making a suggestion.”
“You’re the Captain. The Crown Prince.” She shrugged. “Doesn’t that mean that you should know what we’re supposed to do?”
“Well, since I’m supposed to be at the rudder making sure we’re on the right course, I think we can agree that my sense of responsibilities as captain of this ship is already catastrophic.”
“Then why aren’t you at the rudder?”
Ash’s eyes were suddenly boring into hers, intense and unyielding. “Because you called me.”
Thea scoffed to hide her confusion. “I did not call you,” she snapped. “Maybe your hearing is as bad as your sense of responsibilities then.”
“My talents lie elsewhere,” he teased. “Although my ears are working just fine.” With that, he winked at her and walked back to the rudder, leaving her even more confused.
She hadn’t called him. She was certain of it. And calling people wasn’t her thing anyway, she didn’t like to ask for help. She didn’t need help.
What had he meant by that? Had he just been teasing her or had he really heard her? Thea was almost certain she hadn’t even been thinking about him before he’d arrived. She’d been thinking about Ed and all the mistakes she’d made. Maybe Ash was one of those mistakes.
Shaking her head, she let her eyes trail over the deck. Strangers, along with Zéna and Zéfan, were working on the sails, reacting to Ash’s occasional directions, although since the sea was rather calm and the wind gentle, it seemed to be easy work.
She lifted her eyes to the sky and enjoyed the soft, salty breeze on her face. Maybe she should take Ash’s advice and go for a trip into the sky. It would certainly help her relax and make this journey a tiny bit less boring and uncomfortable.
The issue that remained was clothes. If she shifted here on the deck—because she didn’t have many other options—then she would have to leave her clothes here, which meant landing naked afterwards. Thea was not prudish, but she didn’t want to parade around a ship that wasn’t hers, crowded with strangers, completely naked.
She sighed to suppress a groan and leaned over the railing, her eyes caressing the gentle waves below. The sea was dark here, almost black, and it smelled salty and fishy. Thea had always been fascinated by the sea, and although it hadn’t been far from Hillden, the high cliffs had prevented her from ever really enjoying it. She had sometimes dived her claws into it in hawk form, but she’d never dared change into an aquatic animal. A part of her was terrified to breathe underwater.
But now, it did sound rather appealing. The sea seemed to call her, inviting.
Before she could decide whether or not to experience its embrace now, footsteps caught Thea’s attention. She turned her head to the right just as her mother leaned over the railing next to her, her violet eyes trained on the horizon. She had dabbed kohl under them as well, and the contrast with her pale skin was quite startling, although beautiful.
None of them said anything for a while, the silence easy.
“I never really apologized,” Ariella said suddenly.
Thea frowned and turned to her, surprised. She suddenly felt like she was the one who was supposed to apologize. For not taking the time to speak with her mother before. Especially after the attack. But before she could say anything, Ariella spoke.
“I’m sorry about not being a mother worthy of you,” she went on, making Thea’s heart ache. “About the lies and the secrets and everything that it made you feel.” She swallowed audibly. “After everything that had happened, after the Blight, a part of me hoped that my absence would be beneficial for you. That it would allow you to grow and thrive on your own. I hoped believing I was gone for good would allow you to move on and do what you wanted to. Leave Hillden maybe.” There was a pause and then she added, “I never meant for you to take the burden of my work.”
“What did you mean for me then?” Thea asked. “What did you expect me to do? I might not be the most selfless person in the world, I couldn’t just let the people get sick and suffer.”
“I should have prepared better. I knew what would happen eventually, but a part of me refused to face it and when it came, I was caught off guard. I had time to plan everything once the Blight spread to Hillden, and yet, instead of preparing, I did my best to enjoy the time I had left with you.”
Thea’s mind grabbed onto some of her mother’s words and spun around in confusion. “What do you mean you had time?”
Ariella bit her lower lip and slowly turned to look at Thea. The soft spark of apology and regret in her eyes answered Thea’s question.
“You knew?” Suddenly, Thea’s eyes burned. “You knew that the Inferling was coming for all magic bearers and you did nothing? You could have saved them but you let them die?” Or be changed into credens, but that wasn’t much different.
Thea was too stunned to even breathe. How many more secrets was Ariella keeping from her? What other dark truths would she uncover?
She pushed off the railing and faced her mother fully, chest heaving. “Mrs. Hooks, who helped you when you needed her and so many innocent people. How could you do this?” Tears of anger and betrayal burned her eyes as she spoke, her voice now loud and throaty. “How did you even know?”
“I couldn’t act on it,” Ariella replied. She was crying now, fat tears rolling down her cheeks as her lips trembled. “Those were my instructions. I couldn’t tell anyone. It would have changed everything, every hope we could have had to defeat the Inferling would have been gone. The prophecy had to be fulfilled.”
“Who gave you those instructions?”
The silence was louder than the rushing waves for a moment. And when Ariella’s voice broke it, Thea felt stupid because she already knew the answer. “The Celestling.”
It was obvious. So obvious it hurt. A part of Thea hadn’t yet realized—or hadn’t wanted to—that her mother had been working with the Celestling for quite so long. But after all, it made sense: if her bloodline was blessed by them, then it was from birth. Thea was relieved that they hadn’t asked her to do anything. Because she would have most likely refused.
Rogan’s words echoed in her mind. They branded you as theirs when you were born, Thea. He was right, she knew he was. And yet, she hadn’t wanted to see what was right in front of her for so long. That the Celestling was using them just like the Queen had used Rogan.
After a moment, Thea sighed. “I don’t understand,” she breathed. “I don’t understand why they’re doing this. Why you’re doing this.” She shook her head as tears continued to spill down her mother’s cheeks. “You dedicated your entire life to saving people, because that’s what being a healer means. And yet, you condemned thousands of them and for what? A so-called prophecy? What makes you any different from the Queen?”
What makes them any different?
The look of betrayal that flashed into Ariella’s eyes was meaningless to Thea. “I didn’t do it for my own selfish gains,” she countered, pressing a hand to her chest as if she’d been hurt. “I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let my own feelings get in the way of their plans. It’s more important than everything else.” She sobbed. “You don’t understand, Thea.”
“You’re right,” Thea snapped back. “I don’t understand.” She paused, confused. When her mother had come to her, she had been ready to be there for her, to help her in her grief. But all the things she had just revealed overshadowed everything. Thea felt like she didn’t know the woman beside her.
“I have one question for you: if I hadn’t been protected by the Celestling, if their plans had entailed that I would have been…killed like all the others, would you still have done it?”
Ariella’s mouth hung open in shock for a moment. She looked grief-stricken, lost, broken. It was heart-wrenching for Thea to see her mother like this—vulnerable and in pain. It was so different from the soothing, gentle and calm person she was used to. But it wasn’t nearly as painful as the lack of answer, as if she had to think about it.
She didn’t even know which answer she hoped her mother would speak. If it was yes, then it would be like being stabbed in the heart, to know that her own mother would have chosen some shady, distant plans over her life. But if it was no…if it was no, then Thea had no idea who her mother really was and that terrified her. It made her wish she had been dead, because then at least, Thea would have kept a good memory of her and not this twisted, painful truth.
In the end, she just waited, chin up and eyes unyielding, for her mother to answer. She waited and watched as Ariella sobbed, her chin trembling, her hands gripping her shoulders as if to shield herself from Thea’s questions.
She waited and hated herself for putting her mother through this, especially after what had happened. And yet, even if it hurt to see those tears, her heart was too numbed by shock to stop. When she was tired of listening to mumbled excuses, apologies and empty words that never really answered her question, she shook her head, pressed her lips together to keep them from trembling, and spun on her heels to hide in her cabin.
The cabin she shared with her mother.
Chapter 33
Thea wanted to contact Rogan. She didn’t know why, but it had been several days since their last conversation, and now seemed as good a time as any. She was having insomnia again, and the steady rocking of the boat under her didn’t help, even after two nights here. Not to mention that her mother was sleeping in the other bed and being in the same room as Ariella felt somewhat choking.
So, she threw the covers off her body and rose, leaving the room barefoot. The soft click of the door behind her was comforting and when she stepped into the dark hallway, Thea realized she had nowhere to go. She didn’t know this ship well, and she knew there would be people on the deck, even at this hour. People she didn’t want to deal with.
She didn’t even know if she needed to be sleeping to contact Rogan. After all, he had told her that she had been calling him before, when she hadn’t really meant to. Now that she wanted to call him, it should be easier.
The wood was cool under her feet as she made her way to the deck anyway. She had an idea where she could go to be alone.
She slipped out of the corridor unnoticed. The deck was quieter than she would have expected and none of the strangers paid her any mind as she walked slowly. She lifted her eyes to the moon crescent that shone over her head, the moonlight reflecting on the water below. The sight was breathtaking, and the gentle sea wind that ruffled her unbound hair made it all the more pleasant.
Thea didn’t let herself close her eyes to really enjoy the feeling—she had an Inferling to contact. She needed to ask him if he’d had any luck finding Egene. Keeping track of his progress made her feel a bit in control. Maybe he had news from Estiv as well, wherever he was. She only hoped that he wouldn’t be able to feel where she was. But he hadn’t been able to before, so there was little risk.
On steady legs despite her inexperience at sea, Thea made her way to the highest mast. Up there, a crow’s nest seemed to call her, and Thea smiled. That would do perfectly. She felt good when she was high up.
Eyeing the net of ropes that hung from the mast, she rolled back her sleeves and set to work. Her hands gripped the rough ropes and lifted her up easily. Her bare feet found grips in the net as she climbed the mast. Thea felt like she’d done this her entire life. She wasn’t scared of the wind pushing her body left and right, of the rapidly growing distance between her and the deck, or the way her palms started to burn after a moment. She was smiling the entire way up, moved by a feeling of freedom and purpose she didn’t fully understand.
Once she reached the top, her hands gripped the platform and she heaved herself over the railing that surrounded it until she was standing in the crow’s nest.
Her breath caught.
The wind was much stronger here, and she could almost hear its language as it flew through her hair and deafened her. Her shirt was plastered to her chest, and she let go of the railing, offering her face, eyes closed, to the open air of the sea. Arms extended next to her, she smiled and felt the urge to scream. This was freeing. It was as if she belonged up here. As if the weight of everything felt suddenly lighter.
A particularly high wave made the ship rise suddenly and she stumbled, catching herself before she could topple over. Her stomach did a funny loop and instead of being scared, she laughed.
Sighing, Thea sat down, facing the moon, and let her feet dangle through the wooden bars, her back resting against the mast. She closed her eyes and called Rogan.
She didn’t know how this bond between them worked, so she just pictured him in her mind until his face was clear behind her eyelids. She didn’t want to bring back her memories of him because she didn’t want to have to deal with the emotions they entailed, so she settled for calling his name in her mind as loud as she could.
Suddenly, Thea felt like she was falling, being sucked into a blackhole. The sensation spread through her entire body, so real that she wondered for a moment if she wasn’t falling to her death from the mast.
But then, she opened her eyes and Rogan was standing before her.
The space they were in was only darkness. They weren’t in a real place like they had been before, but Rogan was there, as real as he always was, although this time, his head was tilted to the side as he looked at her.
“Thea?”
The word was a question and Thea nodded. “You came.”
“You called.” He paused. “Why? I haven’t heard from you in a while, I thought…” He shook his head, blonde hair shining even if there was no light source. “I don’t know.”
“I’ve been busy,” Thea replied.
Gray eyes narrowed at her answer and Thea crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re still looking for the Cup then.”
“Yes.” There was no point denying it. “Are you still looking for my father?”
Thea arched a brow, waiting for more. But Rogan stayed resolutely silent as he stared at her, as if trying to read her very soul.
He frowned and took a step closer. Close enough that Thea smelled him all around her. She forced herself to remain still. “You look different,” he noted.
It was Thea’s turn to frown. “It’s been a rough couple of days, you know, with the Queen wanting me dead and all that.” He tensed but Thea asked again, “Are you looking for Egene?”
Rogan nodded and swallowed.
“Where?” she pressed.
He shook his head, as if breaking out of a trance. “Hillden.”
The word echoed inside Thea’s mind painfully. Egene might be in Hillden. Rogan would soon be in Hillden as well.
Her heart squeezed painfully. What was it like back there? Were people still wondering if she would ever come back? She hadn’t planned on being away for so long, but now, she wasn’t sure she wanted to go back to her cottage. She missed her peaceful life, but living in Hillden without Eden would be a torture she didn’t want to experience. She could only hope that Herin was managing as the new designated healer, or that someone had taken her place.
Guilt burned her tongue when she thought about her former partner, and she swallowed it down. She already had a lot to deal with, she couldn’t add Herin’s fate to the rest.
“Are you already there?” She lifted her eyes back to Rogan.
His jaw twitched and Thea held her breath. “Yes.” The word rang out and Rogan took his time saying more, as if the words cost him. “It’s…”
“What?” Thea asked, taking a step forward. Her heart was speeding up already, as if she already knew what Rogan was about to say.
“The Queen targeted Hillden first when looking for you and…”
Tears burned her eyes. “No,” she breathed. She didn’t know if she wanted Rogan to speak the words so her mind would stop conjuring its own images or if she preferred to stay in denial.
“I did the best I could.”
Thea frowned and shook her head. “What does that mean?”
Rogan swallowed and reached out to take her hand but Thea stepped away. She couldn’t have him touch her. Not now. Not ever. She didn’t trust her reactions.
“I was too late to save some of them,” he said. “And they didn’t take my presence well.”
Thea could easily imagine that. Even if the people of Hillden didn’t know Rogan was the Inferling, some of them might have recognized him from the day he had come to take her away. Recognized him as part of the Queen’s entourage. As an enemy. Especially if the Queen had sent soldiers to—
