Bomber, page 5
part #1 of War Brothers MC Series
A deep ache took root in my chest. “I know,” I replied. “I’m struggling to be there for both Zara and Kane.”
He gave me a sad smile. “Audrey suggested Zara is too reliant on you, and I would have to agree with her. It worries me. The treatment facility she showed us sounds promising. It offers a range of health practitioners to help her, and it has world-class therapeutic interventions. I think it could really help Zara cope and give Helen some peace in knowing she is dealing with what she’s experiencing.”
Zara would be better off moving away and getting the psychological help she needs. I stupidly thought if I loved her and was there for her, she would snap out of her comatose state and live again. But after I saw her cut herself, I knew I wouldn’t be enough.
My breathing quickens as I make my way down the stairs to search for Helen. As I walk through the house, I hear the TV, so I go to the living room.
Helen is sitting in her usual easy chair, with Misty’s blanket over her. Her sad eyes peer over the edge of the blanket, and she attempts to give me a smile.
I sit on the sofa. Tension takes over every muscle in my body.
“She cut herself with a razor blade last night.” My voice is tortured and raw.
Helen gasps. “My baby is in pain. She needs professional help.”
I let out a shaky breath. “I can’t lose her,” I try to explain, knowing it sounds selfish.
“You will never lose her. She needs to find herself. I don’t want her to go either, but the mental health treatment center Audrey proposed sounds like the perfect place for her. I wonder every day if today’s going to be the day where her grief is too much and she . . .” Her voice is riddled with pain.
I know how she feels because I’ve had those thoughts as well. Every time I have to leave her house, I’m a total wreck, worrying if Zara will be okay by herself. Her grief is so heavy it cripples her. I’ve tried my best to be the person she needs.
But I feel like a fraud. If I were helping her, shouldn’t I witness a change in her? I see a spark now and again, like a firefly—a speck of light in the darkness—but then it’s gone as quickly as it comes.
“The psychiatrist thinks she’s codependent on you and it’s hindering her recovery. You have been there for her. I know you love her, Knox, and I can never thank you for being there for her. However, I think we both know she won’t willingly leave you. You are going to have to end your relationship with Zara.” She pauses. “Do it for her.”
Everything I’ve ever tried to do is for her. I cover my face briefly. The pain of knowing she would be better off without me is like a red-hot poker in my heart, and my chest is on fire, burning me from the inside out.
I look up at her, defeated. “When?”
“The sooner, the better. Audrey has already spoken to the manager at the center. They have a spot available for her.”
I can’t reply. She wants me to end our relationship today. I’m not ready . . . but then again, I never will be.
“Your mom mentioned your interest in joining the military. If that’s what you want to do, you should pursue it. Don’t put your life on hold. Zara will get better, and I believe Misty will return.”
I realize Mom was right. It’s not like I’m helping Zara or Kane by being here. Now’s the time to enlist, while Zara can improve. Maybe later we can get back together. Lots of men in the military have wives and kids. Maybe it could work for us too.
Since Misty’s disappearance, our relationship didn’t stand a chance. Instead, Zara and I are prisoners of war, caught in the crossfire. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting her when I break up with her. But she needs help. And even though I’ve tried, I realize now I’m not enough. Even if it is for Zara’s well-being, I’ll still hate myself for ending it.
Seven
Ghost Inside My Head
Zara
Age: Twenty-eight
Nine years later
Present
* * *
Misty is sitting on the saddle of a unicorn in front of me, laughing as her long blonde hair wisps in the breeze. The carousel rotates to the sound of carnival music. It’s nighttime, and it’s lit up in a galaxy of colors and glass mirrors.
All I see are her beautiful blue eyes shining at me with that infectious smile. I smile back at her because it’s impossible not to.
She looks at me with warmth in her eyes. “I miss you,” she says, but the music is so loud I can barely hear her.
My brows furrow in confusion, and just when I’m about to reply, the carousel stops and I’m jolted forward.
I peer at where Misty was sitting, but she’s no longer there. “Misty,” I call out, but all I hear is silence. Stepping around the unicorns, horses, and carts, I search for her face, but I can’t find her anywhere.
My body jerks and I wake up, blinking, trying to see where I am. My eyes adjust to the darkness. The harsh reality hits me: I’ve been dreaming. I sit up in bed, my shoulders sag, and I lift my legs to my chest as I hug myself while tears stream down my face.
I clasp the chain around my neck and hold on to it. It makes me feel close to her. The best friend charm Misty gave me when we were young is now one of my most cherished possessions.
It won’t be long until it’s the tenth anniversary of the day she went missing. Every day she’s gone hurts, but every year feels like a slice of pain through my heart. She’s like a ghost inside my head, and I don’t know whether it’s a blessing or a curse because I see her face and hear her voice in my dreams.
I don’t always dream of Misty. Sometimes I dream of Knox, the boy who consumed my mind, body, and soul. I believe at the time he loved me, as he always showed me how much I meant to him.
One day, he decided to join the military. I gather he didn’t want me anymore, and as much as it hurt, I understood. I wasn’t the same girl after Misty left, but it did not stop the excruciating pain of his absence. My soul yearns for him, every second of every day.
Occasionally, he doesn’t seem so absent, like I could reach out and touch him. It’s times like that I worry I might be losing my mind. I believe both were my soul mates, Misty as my sister and best friend, and Knox as my boyfriend. I know I won’t find that with anyone else again.
I look at the window beside my bed. I lean forward and move the curtains aside to look at the night sky. It’s a full moon and the stars are bright. I wonder what Misty and Knox are doing right now. Do they think of me like I think of them?
When they left, they cut pieces out of my soul. Those pieces have left gaping holes that have never healed. It makes me question whether I meant as much to them as they did to me, since it was so easy for them to leave. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck inside my own head, with each thought and memory piercing my heart like shards of glass.
An alarm wakes me from my sleep. It’s time to go to work at the women’s shelter. When I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror. It’s as if it’s someone else’s reflection. Cold brown eyes with dark circles beneath, which contrast with my skin, stare back at me.
I apply makeup before making my way to the kitchen. I shuffle to the fridge and grab an energy drink before I sit at the counter. The can hisses when I open it, and I take a sip, willing the cold, sweet liquid to give me the buzz I need to get through the day.
My phone rings, vibrating in my pocket. I pull the phone out to see a private number calling.
My body tenses as I answer. “Hello.”
“Hi, Zara. It’s Mae. Just giving you the heads-up. We had nine new people last night.”
“Nine,” I repeat. The center is well and truly at full capacity.
“Yes, one woman arrived with five children. The youngest is an infant, so the baby will sleep with her. The other is a young mother with two young children.”
“What condition are they in?”
“Mostly scared. They’re having breakfast now. After they finish, I’ll talk to the women about the resources we have available for them.”
“Great,” I reply. A beeping indicates another call, so I pull my phone away from my ear to see my mom calling. “I have to go. I have someone trying to call me.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, hon, how are you doing?”
“Good.” I cringe at my lie, but Mom doesn’t need to worry about me. “How’s your trip going?”
“We’re home. Hawaii was breathtaking. We loved it so much I think we’ll book to go back.”
I smile at her enthusiasm. My dad retired two years ago, so my parents have been traveling, making the most of their free time. “Where are you planning to go next?”
“We’re staying home for a couple of months.”
“Oh, okay.”
I have an idea why, but I don’t want to talk about it.
She sighs heavily. “I’m holding a vigil for Misty to remind the public about her disappearance, and I’d like for you to be there.”
I cough, then gasp for air. I clear my throat because it feels like I’m choking.
“Are you all right?” Mom asks, concerned.
I pat my chest. “I don’t know what to say, Mom,” I answer honestly. “Misty’s anniversary is painful enough, don’t you think?” Tears begin to fall.
“Why am I the only one who sees the benefit in this? I’m hurting too, but what if Misty’s picture and a reminder of the reward sparks someone’s memory?”
“Who else doesn’t agree?” I ask curiously.
“Everyone. You know what your father is like. He doesn’t like to talk about it. Audrey mentioned that Kane wasn’t happy about it. The only person who thought it was a good idea was Iris.”
I pause, waiting for Knox’s name to be mentioned, but she doesn’t say it. I consider whether I should ask her. He was in the military for years, then moved back to our hometown. Now he’s in a motorcycle club. He and Mom cross paths occasionally.
I bite my lip but give in. The urge to find out more about him is too tempting. “Have you spoken to Knox?”
“No, not yet. You should give him or Kane a call. Every time I bump into them, they ask me about you.”
My heart races at the thought of communicating with Knox. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Kane, maybe . . . but there’s too much uncertainty with Knox. I couldn’t bear to hear he’s moved on with someone else.
Mom sighs again. “Please tell me you’re coming. Iris is excited to see you.”
My chest lightens at the thought of seeing Iris. I miss her. Just another person on the list of people who broke my heart when they left. “When did you see Iris?”
“I didn’t. I called her.”
“Where are you holding the vigil?” I ask in a tight voice.
“I’ve spoken to Audrey and Alec about having it at the amusement park.”
I suck in a sharp breath. She spoke to Knox’s mom and his cousin. I gather she needed their approval to have it at their family’s amusement park. The thought of going back there makes my soul crumble and bleed in pain.
“It’s on Misty’s anniversary date, the—”
I cut her off. “Yes, I’m well aware of the date.” I don’t mean to sound rude, but that day I could never forget. It’s burned inside my brain. “I’m not sure if work will allow me to take it off.”
Guilt strikes me first, then shame. We are always busy, but my boss would allow it. We have people who volunteer, and Mae can take on some of my responsibilities.
“I need you here.” Mom’s voice is soft, with an undertone of pleading and sadness.
I close my eyes briefly. No matter how much pain I’m going to be in, I can’t leave Mom to go through that without me. We should show a united front. It’s been around nine years since I’ve been home. It’s about time I faced the past. I’m surrounded by courageous women at the shelter every day.
“I’ll make it work. I’ll be there.”
“Oh, thank God! I’d love for you to come tomorrow.”
“That is really short notice.” The pitch of my voice rises.
“You never go anywhere. Wouldn’t you have leave available? I don’t want you to stay one day and leave the next. You haven’t been home since you left for the treatment center.”
That annoying guilty feeling strikes again. I haven’t been home in a long time for good reasons, because that house is full of memories and those memories are a painful reminder of everything I no longer have.
“I can only ask my boss. I’ll get back to you when I get a response.”
“Hmm . . . maybe you should give me her number? I’ll tell her how important it is that you take some leave.”
My eyes widen. “No, Mom. I’m not a child anymore.”
“You’re still my baby!”
“I’ll try my absolute best.”
“I’m happy to hear that. Ask for at least a week off and let me know when you will be coming so I can make sure your bed has fresh sheets.”
I cringe at the thought of being there for one week. “Yes, I will. Bye.”
I phone my boss, who gives me today and the rest of the week off. She understands my circumstances, as I’ve told her about my past.
Anxiety creeps up on me once my bags are packed, and my heart pounds faster in my chest. My fingers tingle with nervousness. I climb into the car and start the ignition. The engine purrs to life.
I write a quick message to Mom, telling her I’m on my way. Afterward, I flick through my contacts. I can’t bring myself to contact Knox, so I find Kane’s contact instead. My finger hovers over the call button. I take a second before pressing it.
Kane answers on the second ring. “Oh, look, it’s the friend who never called me back.”
Wincing, I say, “I’m sorry.”
There’s nothing else I can say. After I finished up at the treatment center, I stayed in the same city so that I could still attend my appointments with my counselor and specialists. Once that was over, I remained in the city for good, having stopped taking everyone’s calls except for Mom and Dad. I shut everyone out. As selfish as it was, I couldn’t go back—and I didn’t want to. It wouldn’t be the same without Misty and Knox.
“Tsk, tsk,” Kane counters, lightening the mood.
“Well, I’m on my way to Crown Village now.”
“Really?” he asks, raising his voice.
“Yes. Mom wants me there.”
“So they’re going ahead with the vigil? It’s fucking bullshit. What’s the use? Misty’s not going to wait ten years to suddenly reappear. If she wanted to return, she would have a long time ago.”
I gape at his anger, but I also don’t know what to say to him. “I’m leaving now, so I’ll get home around seven tonight. Did you want to get together tomorrow?”
“What about Dad’s for dinner? Chinese food, like we used to do.”
My heart clenches. I’ve missed all of them so much. “Sounds good,” I reply, blinking back tears.
“How long are you staying for?”
“A week. I might stay longer if Mom needs me.”
“Six o’clock at Dad’s tomorrow. Don’t forget because I know where you live.” He chuckles at his own joke. “I can’t wait to tell Knox!”
Beep, beep, beep . . .
I look at my phone. He hung up on me! Unease ripples through my body. It’s been so long. I wonder what Knox looks like. Does he have a partner? Mom never mentioned he had kids. My chest burns with envy at the thought.
Around nine hours later, I arrive at my parents’ house and park in the driveway. I sit in my car, frozen in place. The house hasn’t changed in the eight years I’ve been gone. It wasn’t a home anymore after she left. It was more like a prison.
A knock on my window startles me. Mom is smiling at me. I step out into her outstretched arms. She has a fluffy pink nightgown on. When I pull back, tears pool in the corners of my eyes.
She pulls me back in for another tight embrace before letting me go. “Thank you for coming. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you.”
I give her a sad smile.
She peers over at my car. “Your car is still going, I see.”
“And going strong!”
“Zara!” I hear Dad call out. I glance over to see him walking toward us. Mom steps back as Dad gives me a bear hug. “It’s good to see you home.” I pull back and smile, though from his expression, I’d say that I wasn’t very convincing. “You two go ahead. I’ll get your bags.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m not that old.”
I follow Mom, but when I take one step inside the house, I close my eyes for a second, gathering the courage to move forward. Mom’s footsteps stop, and when I open my eyes, we gaze at each other. Not a word is said because she knows why I’m struggling.
After I regain my composure, I follow her upstairs until I reach my old bedroom. My eyes fixate on my door because I can’t bring myself to look at Misty’s bedroom. When I open my door, I scan the room. It looks the same as it did when I was living here, but the memories hit me like a slap in the face. All the good ones of Misty seem to be tainted with the pain I felt from her absence.
“How have you lived here without her?” I ask. “All the memories . . .” I shake my head. “I don’t know how you’ve done it.”
She glances at me before she stares out the window. “I miss her every day.”
“What do you think happened?”
Her shoulders fall. “I’ve asked myself the same question, and I can never come up with an answer.”
“I don’t believe she ran away. She was sick. She lost weight. She loved us, and she was happy.”
Mom steps toward me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “In my heart I believe she will come back to us.”
“You still believe she will come back after ten years?” I ask, my voice brittle.
“I won’t accept any other possibility.”
Dad walks in and places my suitcase beside my bed. “Did you pack for a month?” he gasps, struggling to speak, as he shoots my luggage a dirty look.
