Lovely, page 26
I wave a path with my hand. “By all means, come on in. But only for a few minutes. Jason and I are hanging out tonight.”
She walks in and instantly makes herself a little too comfortable. She kicks off her heels and takes a seat on the sofa, crosses her legs, and hikes up her skirt. I know exactly what she’s doing here.
I shove my hands in my pockets and lean against the wall closest to the door, far away from her. “So, you didn’t answer my question. Why are you here?”
She uncrosses her legs, licks her lips, and gives me a devouring look. “I miss you.”
This is a sudden turn of events. I scratch the back of my head repeatedly. “Since when?”
She looks down at her hands, feigning shyness. “For a while now.”
I continue to keep my distance. “I’m with Cara now,” I caution.
Her eyes trail from her left to her right, scanning the room, stretching her arms out on the sofa. “I don’t see her anywhere.”
I rest my hand against the wall, my eyes turning cold but my body warming at the mention of Cara’s name. “She’s away this weekend, but we’re together, and I’m not interested in anyone else.”
“Hmmm …,” she responds, though I know she could care less.
I hear a faint beeping noise and look around the room.
“What is that?” Shelby asks.
I continue to survey the room and walk towards the kitchen as the noise grows louder. It appears to be coming from the basement. “I don’t know. It sounds like it’s coming from downstairs. I need to check the basement.”
She doesn’t move but only makes herself more comfortable. “Okay. I’ll be right here when you get back.”
Great. That’s what I was afraid of. I’m in the basement for less than five minutes, when I hear muffled voices and realize Jason’s here. Good. Now he can help me get rid of Shelby. I reset the alarm and climb the stairs when I hear Shelby’s voice.
“I was just waiting for him myself.”
“I’m sure you were.”
I stop dead in my tracks when I realize that’s not Jason’s voice, it’s Cara’s. What’s she doing here? She’s supposed to be in San Jose. Shit. I fly up the rest of the stairs, my heart hammering against my chest. I reach the living room to find Cara standing there with tears in her eyes and Shelby on the couch in her bra and panties. My eyes dart from Shelby to Cara. “What the fuck? Cara, what are you doing here? I thought you were away?”
“Obviously,” she bites out, her mouth falling open, her head shaking in disbelief. She sends me a long, pained look before she breaks eye contact. “You don’t waste any time, do you, Ash?”
“Cara, let me explain. It’s not what it looks like,” I protest as I stand there, my limbs shaking, a bead of sweat forming on my upper lip. I don’t know what the hell to do except maybe pray this isn’t really happening.
Tears slide down her cheeks. “Bullshit, Ash. I know exactly what this is. I have eyes.” She stumbles back a step before turning and running out the door, leaving me momentarily paralyzed, fear ripping through my chest.
“Cara, wait!” I chase after her, but she won’t even look at me. She’s fumbling around with her keys, trying to open her car door. “Cara, please. She came over to talk to me, I didn’t …”
She whips around and I get a glimpse of the angry fire burning in her eyes, her shoulders shaking with anguished sobs. “Really, Ash? You can do better than that. Do you always talk to girls when they’re in their bra and panties, or were you just making an exception for her?”
I move towards her and reach for her arm but she wrenches it away, holding her hands up. “Cara, I swear to you, she wasn’t …”
She cuts me off instantly, keeping her hands out in front of her, demanding I stay away. “You know what, Ash? I didn’t tell you this, but I actually knew about you; I knew about your reputation, about all of it. I tried to stay away from you, I really did. But … you … You broke through somehow. Like an idiot, I made myself believe that you were different with me, but I was so wrong.” She turns around, swiping at the tears that won’t stop falling, and all I want to do is wipe them away. “I loved you, Ash, like really loved you. I’ve shared things with you that I’ve never shared with anyone.” She places her hand over her chest, tears dripping onto her shirt. “I gave you my heart, Ash … to love and to protect. You were the one who helped me put the pieces of my life back together.” She casts her eyes to the ground, her voice barely a whisper. “I just never thought you’d also be the one to tear it apart.”
When she finally raises her head, the hurt in her eyes makes my insides crack open, the pain bleeding its way out. She spins around. I reach for her arm again but she yanks it away.
“Cara, you have to listen to me,” I plead. “Do you think after everything we’ve been through together that I could be with anyone else? There was nothing going on in there with Shelby. Just give me a chance to explain.”
She keeps her eyes downcast, a hard sigh leaving her throat. When the car door opens, I panic. “Cara, wait!” The snap of desperation in my voice causes her to turn around and a tiny bit of hope springs up in my chest. “Don’t you get it? You have my heart; it’s in the palm of your hand and what happens to it now is up to you. Don’t walk away from me, Cara … please. I’m begging you. I’ve never begged for anything in my life; I’ve never had to, but I’m begging you now.”
She drops her hands to her sides, her back slumped over. “I trusted you, Ash. I’ve never given myself to anyone like that before.” Her hands are shaking as she pulls the handle to the car door but stops. She takes the bracelet I gave her off her wrist and throws it at me. “Here, why don’t you give it to her?!”
Panic seizes me, tightening around my neck like a noose at the thought of losing her. “Don’t go Cara, please!”
The door slams and she cranks the engine, screeching out of the driveway without so much as a look in my direction. A tear slips from my eye and I roughly swat it away. They say at certain crucial moments, your life flashes before your eyes … fuck that … my life just left me and took my heart with her.
I clench my fists at my sides and storm back in the house. Shelby’s laying on the couch, still in her bra and panties, with a satisfied smirk on her face, thrilled that she’s fucked up my entire life. I want to march up to her and shake her, tell her she just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I don’t … I don’t want to touch her because she repulses me. I just want her the fuck out of my house.
“What the fuck was that, Shelby? Why are you in your fucking underwear?” My blood boils, rage filling my veins. “You said you wanted to talk. Was this your plan all along? I fucking love her, Shelby! Don’t you get it, I fucking love her! Get out!” I swipe her tank top and shorts from the floor and throw them at her. “Get dressed and get the fuck out!” I boldly push her out the door and slam it in her face.
As soon as it closes, I sink down to the floor, unable to control the onslaught of tears mixed with anger. “Motherfucker!” I shout to anyone who’s listening. Something heavy is sitting on top of my heart, pushing down so hard I can barely breathe. I have to figure out a way to make this right, to make Cara see that this wasn’t what it looked like. Pulling my phone from the pocket of my jeans, I dial Cara. Her phones rings once, twice, three times, but she doesn’t pick up. Of course not, asshole. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with you now. I haul back with my fist and punch the wall. “Fuck!”
A few minutes later there’s a knock on the door and I drag myself up, nursing my throbbing hand, while I look through the peephole to make sure it’s Jason before I answer it. I open the door when I see his face.
He pops his head back. “Whoa. You look like shit, man.” He eyes my bloody hand. “And what the hell happened to your hand?”
I hold the door open so he can come in, shutting it behind him. “It’s a long story.”
He kicks off his shoes and throws a brown bag filled with junk food on the coffee table. “Let me get you some ice for your hand. Then you can tell me what has you this upset.”
I take a seat on the sofa and lay my head back. My hand is fucking killing me, but not nearly as much as my heart.
Jason brings me an ice pack with a cloth and I wrap my hand up.
“Thanks, Jason.”
He sinks down next to me and kicks his feet up on the table. “What happened?”
I run my good hand through my hair with exasperation. “It’s fucking Shelby. She showed up here and said she wanted to talk. While she was here, there was a problem with one of our alarms, so I went in the basement. When I came back up, she was sitting in her bra and panties.”
Jason smirks. “And the problem is …”
I glare at him. “The problem is Cara showed up here and thought there was something going on between us and now she ended things and won’t talk to me.”
He opens the brown bag and pulls out an open bag of chips, jamming one in his mouth. “Wait, I thought she was away?”
I bang my head on the back of the sofa, sighing. “I thought so, too.”
Jason throws the bag of chips on the table and brushes the crumbs from his pants. “So just explain it to her,” he says as if it’s that easy.
I exhale a deep breath. “It’s not that simple, dude. She has a hard time with trust and she knows how I was before I met her.”
He pushes away some of the shaggy hair that’s falling in his eyes. “Just give her some time. Once she has a chance to think about it, she’ll realize it was a mistake. And if not, just forget her and move on.”
My hand hurts and I wince, the pain numbing my heart. “It’s not that simple. You don’t get it, because you’ve never felt love like this. I don’t ever want to forget her.”
Jason’s forehead crinkles and his blue eyes sparkle. “Actually, I do understand. That’s how I feel about Delilah. I love her, man.” The wrinkle in his forehead softens. “I’ve loved her since ninth grade.”
“I know,” I say. I think I’ve known all along. “Then you do get it. I can’t just move on. She’s it for me. She’s the one.”
Monday rolls around and the sun spills into my room, startling me awake. I rub the heel of my palm against my chest, hoping to somehow soothe the stabbing pain that resides there. When I glance at the alarm clock, it’s only 5:00. I grab my cell phone off the side table to see if I have any voicemails or texts from Cara in response to the thirty that I sent over the weekend. There’s nothing. Shit. It’s too early to call, so I lay back down and think about her. I have to figure out a way to make her understand there’s nothing going on with Shelby. How could she even think that I’d want to be with someone else? I just don’t get it. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I roll over and close my eyes to block out the light sneaking through the window and figure out a way to get back the light I lost.
I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn over to find Mom hovering over me. “Ash, it’s nearly 7:45, don’t you have class?”
Rubbing my tired eyes, I force myself to sit up and face another day without Cara, the hole in my heart turning into a fucking cavern. Mom sits on the edge of the bed quietly. If she’s waiting for me to say something, forget it. I don’t feel like talking.
“What’s the matter Ash?” she asks with those Mom always knows when something’s wrong eyes.
My jaw clenches and I put my hands behind my head and cross my legs. “It’s nothing, Mom. I really don’t want to talk about it.”
She smiles. “Which is it, honey? Is it nothing? Or, is it something, but you just don’t want to talk about it?”
I shake my head and smile. That’s Mom. She has a psychic connection straight to my brain. “Yes, it is something,” I admit, “but I don’t want to talk about it.”
She lays her hand on my foot. “Okay, sweetie, but if you do, I’m here. Now hurry up and get ready. There are scrambled eggs and pancakes if you’re hungry.”
Just hearing the word pancakes makes me think of Cara. Shit, everything makes me think of Cara.
“Hey, Ash,” Delilah and Colt greet me as I walk in the kitchen.
“You’re running kind of late aren’t you, Ash?” Delilah says with a mischievous grin. “I mean, don’t you have to get to the library?”
I turn away and grab a glass from the cabinet, open the fridge, and pull out the orange juice. I don’t say anything.
“Ash, you okay?” she asks, her voice full of concern. “Is Cara alright?”
It takes a minute for me to respond and that’s not good enough for Delilah.
She stops eating and glowers at me. “Please tell me you didn’t do anything to her or I’ll personally kick your ass!”
Tilting my head to the side, I stare back. “No, baby girl, I didn’t do anything to Cara. We just had a bit of a misunderstanding.”
Mom shifts way from the counter and gives me an empathetic smile.
Here come the questions.
“What kind of a misunderstanding?” Delilah asks with wide eyes, dropping her fork and giving me her full attention.
Another exasperated sigh leaks out from my chest. “I don’t want to talk about it, Delilah, okay? Just leave it alone.”
She throws her hands up in the air. “Fine. I’ll ask Cara myself.” She takes her cell phone out of her purse and I grab her arm as she walks away, my eyes pleading with hers.
“Delilah, please don’t do that,” I implore.
She inspects my bruised hand, her expression softening as she wraps her arms around me. “Okay Ash, I won’t.”
I feel like I’m driving a hundred miles per hour to get to school … to get to Cara. Delilah doesn’t say anything on the ride over, she just smacks her gum and bobs her head to the music. I’m not in the mood for a chat anyway and she knows it.
By the time we get to campus, my nerves are frayed. I don’t know whether Cara will even talk to me, but I have to try and make her understand. I lean over and place a gentle kiss to Delilah’s forehead. “Bye, baby girl. I’ll see you later.”
She gives me a supportive nudge. “I hope whatever’s going on with Cara is something you can work out, Ash. She’s pretty special.”
Yeah, I know.
I head off in the direction of the library and feel my heartbeat quicken with every step. I burst through the double doors and nearly stumble over my own feet. When I look over at the counter, Cara’s there, but she looks different. Oh God, she has her glasses back on. A feeling of dread comes over me. This is my fault. She’s retreating and it’s all my fault.
She peers over her books and glances toward the door but quickly looks back down when she sees that it’s me … the one person who broke her heart.
I take a deep breath. I can do this. I walk over to the counter until I’m standing in front of her. She doesn’t look up and I find myself staring into the black frames of her glasses. “Cara,” I say adamantly, “we need to talk.”
“I don’t have anything to say to you, Ash,” she replies, her voice so devoid of emotion that it completely tears at my heartstrings.
My voice deepens and takes on a desperate tone. “Cara, look at me.”
She lifts her head, but her eyes are empty and lifeless. “What do you want, Ash?”
I reach out to place my hand on hers but she snaps it away instantly. “I want you, Cara. I need you.”
She adjusts her glasses before she speaks. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it. I’m gone for not even a day and you can’t wait to get your hands on your ex-girlfriend.”
Anger boils up inside of me and it sneaks out as my voice raises. “Cara, I don’t want Shelby. I told you she came over to talk to me and when I came back up she was sitting there … well … you know how she was sitting there.”
She sucks in a breath and grips her hands on the edge of the counter. “I don’t want to hear it. Just go, Ash.”
My jaw works itself back and forth and I shake my head, rubbing my hands on the scratchy material of my jeans. “Cara. I choose you. From the moment my eyes settled on yours that first day, the decision was made for me,” I say, my voice cracking, heavily braided with emotion. I look up into her eyes, a tear crawling roughly down my cheek. “Don’t you see, Cara? I choose you.”
She stares at me but I can tell she no longer sees me. “I don’t want you, Ash. I don’t choose you.”
She’s sucks every last bit of air out of my lungs with her words. My chest feels heavy and my breathing is labored. This must be what it feels like to have a heart attack. I turn for the exit, feeling completely defeated, until her voice stops me in my tracks.
“Ash, wait.”
My whole body freezes and a ray of hope flutters in my chest.
“Listen, maybe in time, we can be friends.”
I spin around and look her dead in the face, the tears pooling in my eyes, and I just don’t give a shit anymore because that’s how much she means to me. “Friends? I’m fucking in love with you, Cara! Every fiber of my being is fucking in love with you!” I touch my hand to my chest. “You’re in here, Cara. You’re so far ingrained in my heart and that shit just won’t go away. So ‘friends’? I think it’s a little late for that.”
Her eyes are cold, her look razor sharp as she stares through me, completely unaffected by my display of emotion. “That’s all I can offer now.”
And just like that, she rips the hope right out of my chest.
A week passes without any visits to the library. After texting and leaving Cara a ridiculous amount of messages eliciting no response, I gave up, and now I’m pretty fucking miserable. My heart aches with longing. I can still feel her lips on mine, smell her sweet breath, see her eyes shining when she smiles, but she’s gone.
There’s a soft knock at the door and Delilah pokes her head in. “Can I come in, Ash?”
I manage a small smile. “Sure, baby girl, come on in.”
Delilah comes over and plops herself next to me on the bed, leaning her head against my shoulder. “I hate seeing you like this.”
