Freedom Seeker, page 3
THE FREEDOM KEYS
Over the past six years I have ushered thousands of people out the doors of their respective cages. My company, Do What You Love, runs online courses, workshops and retreats that encourage personal enquiry, creativity and exploration into making your passion pay. I’ve helped people all over the world find personal, professional and financial freedom doing what they love.
But when I started out producing these courses, I didn’t actually realize it was about freedom. I always focused on the concept of ‘doing what you love’, having a fundamental belief that we are happier when we explore our passions and magic happens when we follow our dreams. I believed that we become fuller versions of ourselves when we do something that lights us up, and that is better for everyone.
I still believe that, but after six years and a cascade of course graduates’ stories of transformation, I have come to see that actually it was always about freedom. Doing what you love is one way to travel, but the destination is feeling free.
When we’re trapped, freedom can seem like a luxury reserved for other people, a concept we think we know but can’t quite remember. Even then, when flying free seems far removed from our current reality, we want to believe that today can be better than yesterday. That tomorrow can be better than today. That life in the cage isn’t all there is. Our current state of living isn’t a life sentence. At the very least, we no longer want to feel trapped, crushed, small. We all want to escape.
Freedom is the Holy Grail. We want to feel that we have the power to direct our own lives, choose our path and consciously manifest our own happiness.
So I got curious. I talked to hundreds of people in my community to understand their cages, how they coped and, crucially, how they got out. I also analysed my experiences of incarceration and escape, digging deep for commonalities and recurring themes.
In reverse engineering all these stories, here’s what I discovered: Every cage has a door. Every door has a lock. You just need to find the key. It’s that simple. At any time, you have the power to set yourself free.
There is a very clear pattern to escape – it appears in every single story, in every single situation, with every single person – and it led me to identify a set of eight principles that I call ‘the Freedom Keys’, which can unlock the door of any cage. This tool is my gift to you.
It’s not about finding a cure for guilt, jealousy, stress, resentment or whatever else your cage bars represent. It’s about taking your mind to a place where those things don’t get any attention – the place where your free self lives.
Whatever is trapping you, however dark the space, these Freedom Keys are your ticket to escape.
Figure 1: The Freedom Keys
The eight Freedom Keys are:
Headspace + Heartspace
Adventure + Aliveness
Playfulness + Curiosity
Creativity + Innovation
Boldness + Bravery
Connection + Communication
Enterprise + Initiative
Gratitude + Conscious Living
Not only will these keys unlock your cage, they can guide your flight for the rest of your life.
WHY THE FREEDOM KEYS WORK
I have come to understand that there are two kinds of ‘stuckness’. One is deep and black and requires immediate attention. When you are in it, it takes all your effort simply to breathe. It calls to you like a distressed child. Weight. Pressure. Pain. When it all gets too much, your Freedom Keys can provide instant relief.
Then there’s the other kind of ‘stuckness’. The grey kind, that wisps up to you and wraps around you like a fog, apparently gentle but slowly suffocating you, blurring all the colours out. It sneaks up on you and infiltrates your life gradually, whispering doubts in your ear, taunting you with the things you’re afraid of. It siphons off your energy and hope.
This is the silent freedom killer. It’s the wasted days in a job you hate, the nodding politely to the horrible boss, the stifling closeness of your daily commute. It’s the passing of another birthday, recognizing another year of not very much. It’s seeing your friends having the things you want. It’s the feeling that you are dragging your feet: eat, work, sleep, repeat, with a few nights out and bottles of wine in between. It’s the day you wake up and start to wonder where your old life went.
This kind of stuckness often goes untended, like that dripping tap that never gets fixed. It seems fairly innocuous, but it will drown you if you let it. What you need is a spark to get that fire in your belly lit again – the Freedom Keys are that spark.
Making choices based on your Freedom Keys will lead you in the direction of your passions. Taking immediate action brings instant relief because it takes the focus of your conscious mind away from the cage bars. That action might be big or small. It doesn’t matter. It’s just a first step. We are trying to get out the door here, not fly across the ocean, not yet anyway. For now just take a step. Any step.
After unlocking the door, the Freedom Keys will then help you set up your life in a way that allows you to feel much freer, every single day. And the freer you are, the freer you become.
We all have ideas about what our lives could be, if only things were different. But when we’re trapped – at the point we most need to do something to change things – we often do nothing, because everything feels too hard.
When I’m in the cage I tend to waste a lot of time wishing I felt free and cursing feeling trapped, while doing nothing about it. I dream of wandering through ancient forests in some exotic place, but don’t head off for a hike in my local wood. I fantasize about kayaking amongst towering glaciers without renting a canoe on my local river. I daydream about cycling through the vineyards of France, while my bike stays in the garage and I just open a bottle of red.
The Freedom Keys are an antidote to this inertia.
HOW THEY WORK
The eight Freedom Keys are all of equal importance, but some will be more potent for you than others in any given moment. They can be activated individually or in combination, and in any order you choose.
You may find yourself drawn to one particular Freedom Key or a particular pairing. Perhaps you will come to the lock in the dark and have to fumble with all the keys, trying them out one at a time until at last one fits.
Maybe you want to let the keys surprise you. In that case you can simply close your eyes and feel your way to a point on the diagram, then open your eyes and see where your finger has settled. If you’re pointing to one particular key, try that. If you’re pointing to a line, notice which Freedom Keys are joined by that line, and try them. If you’re pointing to an intersection of lines on the diagram, try all the Freedom Keys connected by those lines. Alternatively, for a bit of fun, try my Random Freedom Key Generating Machine at www.bethkempton.com/flyfree and see what you get.
Be open. Explore. You are Master of the Keys of your cage. Imagine a strong metal ring with eight keys dangling from it. This is the only thing you need to carry with you as you journey forward. As Master of the Keys you have the power to open your cage door anytime you choose, starting now.
A note about the stories in this book
Some of the personal stories in this book are set in far-off lands and involve people who might normally seem out of reach. Some are so extraordinary I wouldn’t believe them if I hadn’t met these Freedom Seekers myself.
Please don’t think you have to be just like them to be inspired by them, or to learn something from them. You just need to know that they are Freedom Seekers too, and we are all more similar and connected than we know.
Along the way I hope you will dig into your own experiences and illustrate the escape process with your own memories, moments and beliefs. Eventually the stories I share will drift aside to make way for your story, the one you are still writing.
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Entry 2: Reaching back
Delve into your memories and answer these questions:
When was the last time you felt truly free?
Where were you?
Why were you there?
What were you doing?
Who were you with? Or were you alone?
How did you feel in your body?
What was going on in your mind?
Who would you be, if you reclaimed the personal power you felt that day?
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FINDING YOUR WAY BACK TO FREE
As I described earlier, my most recent experience of being trapped was a perfect storm of growing my own business and having two children just 18 months apart. I didn’t love the way I felt that day, and knew I had to make a change before everything imploded. I had to find my way back to free again.
I want to encourage my daughters to grow up kind and strong, loving and adventurous, with big hearts and curious minds. I want to show them how to be that way, by being that way myself. I want to be present for them, in the nurturing and the encouraging, in the dressing up and falling down, in the tears and laughter and all the bits in between. And I want them to know who I am outside of being their mother, inspiring their flight by spreading my own wings.
I am a Freedom Seeker for me and I am a Freedom Seeker for them.
And you, my friend, are a Freedom Seeker too. Just think, what extraordinary experiences could be waiting for you outside your cage?
This book is based on the one simple concept that feeling free is a choice. However difficult that is to hear right now, believe it with all you’ve got.
As soon as you realize that you get to choose, the whole world opens up.
Happiness is what happens when you forget about trying to be happy, and instead aim to feel free.
Chapter 2
INSIDE OUT: RECOGNIZING YOUR CAGE
When we voice how we are feeling – hemmed in, cut off, slowly going crazy – we often muddle the symptoms and the cause. We know something is wrong, but can’t articulate what. And when we’re frustrated, exhausted and at our wit’s end, our words, intended to open hearts and garner support, often end up creating resentment and hurling blame.
To start talking about it differently, you need to understand that your cage does not hover in a vacuum; it exists in a context.
THE CONTEXT AND THE CAGE
Let me explain. If I imagine myself back in the moment I am having a meltdown on my bedroom floor, there are two things I know for sure:
I am a mother of two small girls. That’s a fact.
I feel caged by bars of guilt, frustration and stress, and low self-esteem from the lingering baby weight.
What’s the difference? The first is a tangible fact about my situation. This is the context in which my life is playing out right now.
The other is intangible emotion. It’s psychological. It’s a perception. It is about how I respond to the context, and the stories I tell myself about it. It’s the way I allow my situation to make me feel. It’s the way I allow other people to make me feel. This is the cage.
The context and the cage are not the same thing. It’s like the difference between solitude (a situation) and loneliness (a response to a situation).
We might rage about the context, but it’s the cage we need to escape. Feeling trapped by the realities of motherhood doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a mother. My girls are my bliss and my love for them could power the stars. But perhaps it’s because I treasure the context of motherhood so much that I find the cage bars so frustrating. They get in the way of the rest.
Perhaps you hate your job and it’s wearing you down, sapping all your energy. The context is that you have a job. The cage is the way you respond to that job, or the stories you tell yourself about it. How you feel frustrated by your boss. The way your energy slips away as you walk through the door. The lack of meaning dragging you down.
Perhaps you feel trapped in a toxic relationship and it’s crushing your self-esteem. The context is that you are in a relationship. The cage is the way you respond to that relationship, or the way you’re allowing it to make you feel. The way you have started to believe that you’re stupid, or worthless, or that you should be grateful, as no one else would have you. The feeling that you have to walk on eggshells. The way the shame shuts you down every time you try to talk to a friend about it.
Recognition of the cage is the first step towards escape, because in acknowledging it, you develop an awareness of the obstacles and the world beyond the bars. This awareness of possibility can lead to a longing so powerful, a vision so inspiring, that eventually you just have to get out.
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Entry 3: I am
Suspend judgement and fill in the gaps in the following sentence to describe your role, situation and how you feel about it: ‘I am [role] who [your situation]’. Write as many sentences as you like.
For example:
I am… a single mother of four children with a mortgage to pay, who feels like every day is an uphill struggle, and feels like I’m not giving my children what they need.
I am… a father with a good corporate job and a family to support, who dreams of making films but feels that I can’t quit because we need the money.
I am… a retired widow with rheumatoid arthritis, who feels physical pain every day and feels sad that I can no longer knit clothes for my grandchildren.
I am… a 30-something woman who has no partner but wants babies, who feels stuck in a job I hate, watching my body clock tick.
I am… a Freedom Seeker in my prime who is shouldering the burden of caring for sick parents, feeling guilty that all I want to do is travel the world and that I resent them for stopping me.
Note: This exercise only works if you include a description of a person at the beginning of your sentence (such as woman, man, mother, daughter, Australian living in Europe, Freedom Seeker, etc.). For example: ‘I am… desperate to be a writer but have no confidence’ is missing ‘you’ in the sentence.
Now look at your sentences and underline the parts that are facts and unchangeable at this exact point in time. This is your context.
For example: ‘I am the mother of a toddler and a baby with no spare time.’ The context is simply that I am ‘the mother of a toddler and a baby’. Having ‘no spare time’ isn’t completely true. I don’t have much spare time, but I don’t have no spare time. There’s a big difference.
What is left of your ‘I am…’ sentence when you take away the context? What is NOT underlined? This reveals the way you are dealing with or responding to the context, or the stories you are telling yourself about it. These are the bars of your cage.
Note: If you have found yourself writing ‘I feel…’ instead of ‘I am’ that is a sure sign that you are talking about your cage, not your context. Even though you might feel that way, it’s not a fact about your situation, but rather an observation of your response to it. Make sure you are focusing on the practical facts.
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RECOGNIZING THE CAGE
The following story of burnout is one I have heard too many times: different people, different countries, different jobs, but the same downward spiral.
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~ Burnout ~
Nicola Moss joined an advertising agency straight out of university, and showed her dedication by arriving early, staying late and often sacrificing her weekends. Despite looking like she had it together at work, at home she would collapse on the sofa, physically and mentally shattered. Then one day, as she arrived at work and went to open the door, she felt strong hands clamping tightly around her neck, squeezing her airway shut. Her whole body tensed, but there was no one else there. Panic was her attacker and he was ferocious.
What happened next was a blessing, as Nicola’s boss took her aside and listened while she spilled out everything she had bottled up inside. His wife had experienced a breakdown several years previously, and he knew that the care Nicola received now was critical, and so he arranged for her to take a three-month sabbatical.
Less than three weeks later, after sleeping for 14 days straight, Nicola got on a plane to Bangkok, and over the next few months traversed the world, much of it by train, boat and on foot. Slow travel turned out to be the elixir that nourished her back to life. She has since retrained as a life coach, helping others slow down and avoid burnout.
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Burnout happens when we trap ourselves in a cage of expectation, based on society’s materialistic, power-driven version of success, our parents’ safe version of success, our employer’s version of success, or some other version that has nothing to do with what really matters to us.
We attach our self-worth to our work performance or our bank balance or what we look like, and then unsurprisingly we slip into crisis when things go wrong, or we’re no longer happy at work, or we put on weight, or the economy tanks and we get laid off. Often it takes years to realize we’re even doing this, and it’s only then we discover how trapped we actually are. We push ourselves to the limit; afraid of dropping any of the plates we are spinning. But when burnout hits, they all come crashing down.
Too many times something extreme has to happen – like our bodies shutting down as Nicola’s did – before we acknowledge what is going on. But ultimately this wake-up call can be a true gift, if we can just see what it is trying to tell us.
The symptoms of incarceration
I surveyed hundreds of people in my community about what being trapped actually feels like, in the mind and in the body. Time and time again they identified similar symptoms. Recognizing them is the first step to release from their stranglehold.
