The Seashell Promise: A Sapphic Romance, page 21
"Sorry. It's for the best," she told the cat.
Oftentimes, she found herself gravitating towards the cemetery when she drove. Today, she passed by it without a single thought. Instead, her mind centered on someone else. Julian.
Mia pulled up in his front driveway, glad to see that only Julian's car was parked in front of the house. His parents must also be at work then, she thought.
Mia placed her hands in the pockets of her hoodie and shivered in the cold autumn morning air. She quickly ascended the steps to Julian's porch and rang the doorbell, desperate to get out of the cold. Then, she waited. And waited. And waited. Once again, she pressed the doorbell. And again.
Mia sighed and turned, guessing Julian was still asleep. She supposed she could call him later, though her courage might vanish by that point.
The door creaked open behind her. Mia turned, noticing Julian standing in the doorway. He was in the worn out t-shirt and boxer briefs that he wore to bed. Judging by how disheveled his hair was, she assumed he had just woken up.
"Hey," Julian said. The grogginess in his voice confirmed her suspicions.
"Hi," Mia replied. She stood, shivering as the breeze tickled her skin. "It's kind of a rude to leave a lady waiting out in the cold, don't you think?"
Julian stared at her, annoyed. "I thought you wanted space."
"There's plenty of room to spread out inside," Mia said.
Julian sighed and opened the door wider, inviting her in. Mia was happily greeted by the heater as she stepped inside. Immediately, she took a seat on the couch that she and Julian often liked to share when watching TV at his parents' house. However, Julian chose to sit on the armchair to the left of her. Mia turned her body to face him.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"For what? You sure didn't seem sorry last night," Julian said.
Mia glanced at the door. This was her last chance to back out. She briefly caught a glimpse of the homemade quilt Julian's mother had made laying folded at the edge of the couch. That broke her from her trance.
"You're right. Maybe I do spend too much time with Leila," she admitted. She stopped herself from biting her tongue as the words passed her lips. "I didn't realize you were feeling neglected. Sorry."
"You mean that?" Julian asked. "Because honestly, Mia, you're my world at the moment. And if you don't feel the same, then...then..."
He won't say it, Mia thought. Just like he was too afraid to call things off last night.
Mia moved off the couch and crawled into his lap on the armchair. She felt Julian stiffen in her grasp. She gently placed her hand on his arm and leaned up and kissed him.
"I love you," she said.
Julian's mouth came down on hers aggressively. "Thank God. I didn't know what I'd do without you," he said in between kissing her. He pulled her tightly toward his body, enough so that she could feel his heartbeat pounding beneath her fingers.
This is the person I deserve, Mia thought. I can live with his flaws.
Mia stared up at Julian. A familiar fire was beginning to glow in his eyes.
"My bedroom?" he asked.
Mia glanced back at the door. She blinked once, then turned back to face him. She nodded.
...
The memories from earlier that day replayed in Mia's mind as she sat on the couch with Julian. She felt embarrassed sitting with him while Leila was in the room. She knew Leila must be disappointed in her, but Mia only knew life in Maine with Julian. She wasn't ready to give that up. After all, he had been the only thing she could claim for herself. Every other experience she'd had in Maine had been the result of Leila.
I can settle for him, Mia thought. We get along well enough.
"That cat's so loud when he's hungry," Julian remarked. "He's been screaming for a half hour."
"You could've fed him," Leila murmured.
"We tried, but he ran off as soon as Julian stood up," Mia said. She giggled some and stared up at Julian. She didn't want to keep looking at Leila's disappointed face. As long as she was looking at Julian or kissing him, she would be distracted.
Mia listened as Leila prepared Fuji's dinner. Once the cat was eating away on the kitchen floor, Leila stared across the room at the two of them.
"You were going to make dinner tonight, weren't you, Mia?" Leila asked. The annoyance in her tone was not easily hidden.
"Oh. I forgot," Mia said. "Probably because I went out with Julian last night."
"I thought our rule was we'd at least be preparing dinner by the time the other got home," Leila grumbled.
She's mad. She's definitely mad, Mia realized. Though she realized suddenly that she could use that to her advantage.
"I didn't want to cook while Julian was here. We don't see each other as much lately," Mia said.
"I didn't know he'd be over," Leila said.
Julian had gone quiet and removed his hand from Mia's shoulder. Normally he always acted comfortable wherever he was, but the silence in the room was so loud, even he had sensed the tension.
"Well, what do you want me to do?" Mia asked. "I can start cooking right now, but I don't have enough ingredients for the three of us, and it probably won't be ready for a while."
"Just forget it," Leila said, walking into her room. The door slammed behind her.
Before Julian could react, Mia grabbed his wrist. "Come on. Let's go eat out."
"Where?" Julian wondered.
"Doesn't matter," Mia said.
She quickly gathered her things and left the apartment, immediately feeling the tension dissipate once she was outside of its walls.
"What's going on?" Julian asked.
"Nothing," Mia said.
"I've never seen the two of you fight," Julian remarked.
"Honestly, Julian, why do you care?" Mia asked, failing to hide her annoyance. "You said I spent too much time with her anyway, didn't you? We're getting along fine. I'm sure Leila's just tired or something."
"Okay," Julian said. "So tacos or Chinese?"
Chapter 31
Leila swirled her beverage in her hand as she sat at dinner with her friends; her thoughts swirled with it. For the past week, Leila felt like she was treading on eggshells every time she and Mia were together, which wasn't very often, considering Mia spent the majority of her time with Julian. When Julian wasn't lounging on her couch, Leila would come home to an empty apartment, a sign Mia was out with him. Mia's texts warning Leila of his presence had practically become nonexistent, leaving Leila to wonder what scene she would walk into each day she returned home from work.
In a week's time, Mia had somehow become a completely different person. Leila desired to blame it on Julian since they were spending so much time together, but Leila would be a fool to admit that she had not noticed that even in the moments she was alone with Mia, Mia was cold and distant. While they were never rude to each other, the friendship Leila had worked so hard to build up appeared to have vanished in an instant. No longer brave enough to confront Mia on what had happened, Leila treated Mia as any other normal roommate and continued on with her life.
Ashlynn and Elena's loud, reverberating laughs brought Leila back to the present. Normally, Leila would be embarrassed by how loud they were after a few drinks, but instead her attention was turned to outside the window, where pedestrians walked up and down the street. At one point, she saw a couple from behind that looked eerily similar to Mia and Julian, but the man turned at the last minute, and she realized it was just a pair of strangers.
"Woah. You look like you're glaring daggers," Ashlynn said, finally noticing Leila's silence.
"Sorry. Had a bad week," Leila murmured.
"That's why there's alcohol, silly," Ashlynn said. "Let me flag down the waiter for another cocktail for you."
"One's enough. I can't hold alcohol well," Leila said.
"But you're so tall," Elena pointed out.
"Never been good at keeping it down," Leila repeated.
"What's the matter?" Elena asked. "You've been sulking since we came here."
"Yeah. It's like you don't even want to see us," Ashlynn complained.
"Ignore her," Elena said, quickly shooting a side glance at Ashlynn.
"Julian's been over all week," Leila said. "Every time I'm in my apartment, it feels like he's there."
"I thought you said he wasn't over that often," Ashlynn said.
"He seems to be over all the time now," Leila complained. She took a large sip of her drink and slammed it down on the table. "He just gets on my nerves! He's an absolute asshole! He's never considerate when he comes over, and he always acts like I'm in the way in my own apartment. Yet Mia can't get enough of him."
Elena frowned. "What changed, then?"
"I don't know," Leila murmured. "I...I thought they had broken up last weekend. Mia was really upset, but the next day, he was on my couch like nothing had happened. I don't know."
"Tell Mia then," Ashlynn said. "You're going to be miserable if you just put up with this."
Leila grunted.
"What?" Elena asked.
"Mia hasn't been talking to me as much," Leila said. "I don't think she's mad at me, but she doesn't seem happy to see me either."
"Did you two fight?" Ashlynn asked. She gasped suddenly. "No. Don't tell me! You told her how you feel?"
Leila narrowed her eyes. "No." She glanced at her drink, watching the icecubes slowly float on the surface. "I'm not that stupid. I mean, I got a little snippy with her about Julian being over. Maybe I shouldn't have. I should've just been more direct, but I'm bad at confrontation."
She refrained telling Elena and Ashlynn about the night of the thunderstorm when she slept in Mia's bed and the following night where Mia cried in her arms. Though she was sure her friends would eat the stories up, it felt inappropriate to share Mia's grievances.
Not wanting to think about Mia any longer, Leila looked up at her friends. "In happier news, my boss was telling me about this job in Connecticut she thinks I'm qualified for."
"That's so exciting, Leila!" Ashlynn exclaimed.
"Connecticut? That's pretty far for you," Elena said.
"I know," Leila responded. "I don't know if I want to apply yet."
"Come on. You should at least apply," Elena said.
"Yeah. You might not even make it to the interview stage anyway—hey!" Ashlynn exclaimed as Elena elbowed her side.
"It's just a passing thought right now," Leila murmured. "I mean, my lease isn't up for a while. I like it in Maine. I always have. My family is here, and you guys, of course."
"You can still visit us here though," Ashlynn stated.
"How much does it cost to end your lease early?" Elena wondered.
"One month's rent. I have enough saved, but..."
"But what? Go for it, girl!" Ashlynn exclaimed. The alcohol had clearly taken its effect, as she was acting even more bubbly than normal.
"But..." Leila let her voice drawl off.
"But what?" Elena wondered.
Leila shook her head. "Nothing. I'll think about it."
After they'd finished dinner for the evening and parted ways, Leila went down to the beach in the darkness. The air was chilly, and she didn't have a heavy coat to protect her from the cold, but she didn't feel ready to return to the apartment just yet, not when she knew Julian would most likely be around.
Leila took a seat on the beach and dug her toes into the cool sand. The lights from the restaurants and shops reflected on the water, and above her, a bright moon lit up the sky. Leila traced her finger in the sand, then grabbed handfuls at a time and let it sift through her fingers.
But...
Leila had been too afraid to say it then, but now, alone on the beach, she let out a deep breath and shared what had been the real reason she was reluctant to apply for the job.
"But I love Mia," Leila murmured. For so many years she had, and though she and Mia's relationship had faced challenges, both through adolescence and in adulthood, Leila thought of how hard she had worked to rekindle her friendship with Mia and how she didn't want to let it slip through her fingers just yet. Even with the fractures that had appeared in their relationship in the past week, even with Leila's annoyance at Mia's boyfriend being over constantly, she couldn't deny that she still held feelings for Mia deep down.
Leila thought back to that evening, when Mia had been sobbing and trembling in her arms. Leila had looked down at her and fallen even more in love with her. It felt wrong to leave her like that. She knew Mia would tell her to go for the job, to not think twice about leaving Maine, but Leila couldn't imagine living without her anymore.
Even if she stays with Julian forever, even if they get married and have ten kids, I still can't see myself parting from her, Leila thought. After all, they'd promised to be best friends as children, and best friends didn't abandon each other.
Wiping the sand from her hands and legs, Leila returned to her car and drove back home to the apartment. Judging by the lack of light peeping through the cracks of the doorframe, Leila assumed Mia was either in her bedroom or out with Julian.
As Leila stepped inside, she turned the lights on. Fuji was immediately at her feet, meowing at her for pets. Leila scooped him up, kissed the top of his forehead, and suddenly noticed a small piece of notebook paper sitting on the kitchen counter.
She walked over and investigated it:
FYI – spending the night at Julian's. See you tomorrow.
Leila crumpled the piece of paper in her fist and tossed it in the trash. It fell to the floor below, and Fuji leapt from her arms to bat it with his paws. Leila sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, holding her head in her hands. She glanced up at the couch, the spot she had been comforting Mia only a week ago.
What had happened in that time?
That evening, Leila curled up in her warm bed, and while a TV show played on her laptop, her mind wandered. She knew deep down that her jealousy for Julian was tearing her apart, but being honest with Mia wasn't going to solve any problems. Judging by the fact that Leila and Mia's relationship already appeared to be on thin ice, Leila was afraid of even asking Mia what had happened in the past week, let alone confessing her feelings.
Sighing, Leila sunk into her covers and turned the lights off. She tossed and turned for what felt like hours.
Chapter 32
Under the glow of her lamplight, Mia sat at her desk and watched as her college friends laughed and shared stories with each other about their lives on the computer screen. She weakly smiled back at them and drew her knees close to her as she sat in her rickety office chair. She had been laughing with them the last time they had spoken, but tonight, she mainly remained quiet, envious of their joy.
But I chose this, Mia reminded herself. She'd made up with Julian, distanced herself from Leila, stopped attending her artist groups, all for the sake of not getting attached. And soon enough, with a little professional luck, she'd be back in New York with her friends, and her time in Maine could just remain a brief dream.
"Mia, how's life going for you?" Phoenix asked.
Mia blinked, remembering suddenly she was a part of the conversation.
"It's been good," she lied.
She clutched her knees slightly closer to her body, wondering when she had begun lying to her college friends. They were always so honest with each other when they were attending school together; albeit Mia didn't like speaking about her time in Missouri much. Only a few years prior, she would've told them all about how she and Julian had nearly broke up, how there was unspoken tension between her and Leila, but she stayed silent.
"You said you were taking art classes? How are those going?" June wondered.
Once again, Mia lied. "They're good. I haven't been in a few weeks. Just been busy with work. I'll go back soon."
"Maine must be beautiful this time of year," Phoenix said.
"I guess so," Mia said. "The leaves must be changing in New York, too."
"The kids I'm teaching like to give me some leaves as gifts during recess," Alana said. "It's absolutely adorable! Although I'm never really sure what to do with them afterwards."
Mia smiled slightly.
"How are things living with Leila?" June asked.
"Same old," Mia replied. "She hasn't kicked me out, so that's good, right? Although her cat still won't let me pet him."
"The tragedy," Phoenix remarked. She noticed their cat in frame, sleeping peacefully on the sofa behind them.
"I don't mind much," Mia said. She'd never grown up with pets to begin with. If Fuji didn't like her, so be it.
"And you and Julian?" Alana asked.
Mia opened her mouth, once again debating if she should tell them, but at the last minute, she changed her mind. "Good as always," she lied.
"You don't have much to say today," Phoenix noted.
"Sorry. Worked a double shift. I'm tired," Mia said. Beside her, her phone began to buzz. There was only one person it could be. When she looked down, she saw Julian's name flashing on the screen. A part of her wanted to silence it, but she was afraid the more she talked to her friends, the more they would discover something wasn't quite right with her.
"Sorry. I have to go a little early. Julian's calling," Mia said.
"Aw, well, we'll talk again soon," Alana said.
"See you, Mia," both June and Phoenix said.
She quickly closed her computer and answered her phone. "Hey, what's up?" she asked.
"I just wanted to talk to you," Julian said.
"I told you I was talking to my friends tonight, didn't I?" Mia asked.
"Oh. Was that tonight? Sorry. You want me to call back?" Julian asked.
Mia looked at her shut computer and sighed. "No. It's fine," she murmured. Though she wanted to do nothing more than curl up in bed and sleep, she remained on the phone with Julian for two hours, listening to him rant about nonsensical work-related stories and his various fights with his parents. She twirled a strand of hair around her finger as she listened.
