Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, page 19
Trust
This couple has arrived at that moment where they are increasingly convinced this is the person they want to marry. Attraction has been replaced by love, and like every plant in its early stages, their relationship has entered a vulnerable moment. It is growing but there is a fragility present too. When you go on a few dates with someone the most you risk is a little time and some money. But when you begin to intentionally evaluate one another, now there is the potential to be hurt. But for a relationship to grow a young couple must risk the vulnerability without which there will be no depth.
The couple in Song of Solomon is willing to take the risk, so the man calls for the woman to come away with him. Listen to the invitation:
O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. (v. 14)
Notice the imagery. She is described as something beautiful and tender—a dove. She is also pictured as high up in the cleft of a rock. She is out of reach. Inaccessible. But he does not scale the cliff to try to snatch the dove. He speaks tenderly. Gently, he calls for her to come forth. This is the perfect depiction of the delicate dance of young love. He desires intimacy with her. He wants to know her more. But this is a request for her to be vulnerable, so it is risky. What if she shares her innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, and desires and he takes off? That hurts tremendously. And many of you know that hurt. There should be a reticence when someone wants to have access to the deepest parts of you. Yet notice how he does it, gentlemen. He initiates. He invites. He compliments. He gets vulnerable first; sharing with her his heart honestly that he desires her. Then he waits for her to respond.
In my opinion, if you are not in a position where you feel you could get married in the next six months, then do not attempt to forge this level of intimacy. Gentlemen, don’t come running up like a stag, peering through the lattice, and calling her to come away with you if you do not possess the maturity and stability to care for her. If this is the case, you are just a boy playing games. But you are playing them with the delicate soul of a woman. That is wrong and that is not loving. Do not call a young woman out from the cleft of the rock if your plan is to just “kinda see what happens” and maybe get a chance to grope her. Ladies, don’t share the depths of your soul with a boy who isn’t interested in or prepared for marriage. You are leaping into some hands that lack the maturity to handle you well. The apostle Peter called women the “weaker vessel” (1 Peter 3:7), which can sound insulting if misunderstood. The word weaker would be better translated delicate. It is not an insult. I would never use my iPad to dig a trench. Why? Because it is more sensitive equipment. That does not make it less valuable. In fact, it makes it more! In the same way, Solomon poetically captures what Peter bluntly states: there is a delicacy to the hearts of women. Men, be gentle. Ladies, be discerning.
Ladies, as you share more of your heart and he continues to treat you with kindness, and men, as you continue to initiate and she responds with encouragement and respect, you can both continue to move forward. I remember when this transition happened for Donna and me. The excitement of attraction blasted us off into the stratosphere, but when those boosters were expended the questions became, Can we maintain an orbit together, or will we come crashing to earth? The more I get to know you, can I trust you with the depths of my heart? Are you a safe place for me?
It is in these days of courtship, and on into engagement, that you will share the heartbreaks of your past. You will tell each other honestly about what you used to be or what you have experienced. This is important. You do not want to surprise them later. Some of you will share pasts of abuse. Some of you will share deep regrets. These are typically the moments when tears are shed. Some of you will discover that your beloved has been wounded deeply in the past, and you will want to pull them close. You can’t rush this process any more than you can rush the growing of a flower. You can create conditions for it to flourish, but you must allow time. When you have the stability of two mature souls engaging in the vulnerability of sharing their hearts, you have created the conditions necessary for the growth of love and respect. Now all that remains is to see if this budding relationship is meant to flourish into a full-blown marriage.
Spur each other on toward love and good deeds.
As this couple in Song of Solomon grows closer emotionally, the natural inclination is to get together physically. But notice their response:
Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom. (2:15)
What does this mean? Well, foxes were hated in the ancient world. They would eat the buds of plants so that they could not bloom. In this passage, where their young love has been pictured as a garden, the foxes represent that which would be a threat to the relationship. The young couple calls for community support. They have a mutual commitment to remove threats to their relationship and they call on their community for assistance. Specifically, before their wedding night arrives you see a continual call for sexual restraint.
There is something very natural about wanting to progress from emotional bonding to physical bonding. Every young couple struggles with premarital sexual desire. If you aren’t tempted, it’s possible you have a whole different set of problems. But the reality remains, you do not know that someone is yours until you agree to the covenant of marriage. Until that covenant is made on your wedding day, his or her body is not yours. To the Corinthians Paul explained that the husband’s body belongs to the wife and the wife’s body belongs to the husband. Until you agree to take the responsibility of caring for a person emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically, you should not get the benefits of enjoying his or her body sexually.
When I first entered college, I moved in with two guys whose girlfriends frequently stayed with us. I remember one of them stopping and asking me, “Do you think it’s wrong that I’m sleeping with my girlfriend?” I was taken aback by his question. I responded, “I think my initial thought is that I am much more concerned about what kind of relationship you have with God. I think your relationship with your girlfriend would not be the first conversation I’d want to have.” He responded, “Well, I think it’s okay because we are going to get married anyway.” They broke up later that semester. Actually, both couples broke up. Though it was a surprise to everyone, it was not beyond the realm of possibility. As serious as a dating relationship can feel, it can still dissolve in an afternoon. You are meant to pursue and enjoy sex, but within the context of a covenantal relationship.
In the next verse of the Song of Solomon, the Shulammite declares, “My beloved is mine, and I am his” (v. 16). She is expressing affection, but notice that it is with the language of ownership. We belong to each other. This is how sexuality is meant to be expressed—within the safety of promise. That is what a marriage is—the most serious promise we can make. It is to look someone in the eye and say, “I am committing all of me to you. And I want all of you.” A boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, as close as it may feel, can only declare, “I might want all of you.” Please don’t give all of yourself away to someone whose best is a solid maybe. You want to give all of your passion to the person who says before God and the whole world, “I am holding nothing back from this other person. Relationally, financially, spiritually, and physically, I am yours.” Marriage should be the place of full safety and full freedom. It is the place for the full donation of yourself sexually. That is the beauty of covenantal love. Anything less is too cheap.
This is why the young woman, as much as she desires this man, declares, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (2:7). Your passion is good. Just make sure it is well placed.
Too Wonderful to Explain
Donna and I met when I was twenty-six. I spoke at an event where her band led worship. It was a season of life during which I knew I was about to leave the youth ministry that I had shepherded for five years and head out to seminary somewhere in the continental U.S. I was in the midst of a major life transition, so the last thing I was looking to do was begin a relationship with someone in the town I knew I would not be living in.
But there she was.
In the few years prior to meeting Donna, I had prided myself in my ability to control romantic impulses and focus my time and energy on the work of ministry. I liked moving fast and working hard at eternal things. I did not want to chase girls.
But there she was.
I found myself trying to sit by her or accepting invitations to go out with her friend group so I could be around her. I found myself calling her cell phone and beginning to talk to her late at night. What am I doing? I realized after a few weeks that I was attracted to this woman. I could not fight it. I understood there would be commitments of time, energy, and resources to get to know her. I was willing to spend it. I understood there was risk of getting hurt emotionally. I found within myself a willingness to take the risk. I did not know how the timing would work. What would we do when I move cities? I decided that was a legitimate concern, but it was not a significant enough of an issue to warrant terminating the exploration of discerning whether we were built to be together. We began to see each other regularly. After a few nights of getting to know each other, it was clear the affection was there. But I had been attracted to people before. How was I to know this was really the right one?
We began to talk longer hours on the phone, getting to know one another. We spent more and more time together. I realized I did not just find her attractive or interesting. I sensed a kinship and a similar view of life. We were so different in key areas, but so similar in our passions to really live and to make our lives count. We began risking greater and greater revelations to one another about our pasts. We spent enough time together to run into disagreements. We experienced miscommunication and discovered within ourselves the desire to work through them to find resolution and reconnection. We didn’t want barriers between us. Difficulties were not a signal that our lives were going different directions; they were an invitation to exert more energy to work toward connection. They were obstacles that were made to be overcome. They were tests that proved to ourselves and to one another that we truly wanted to be together.
I moved. That was a big test. Distance and time dissolve a lot of relationships. Paths diverge and the fragile relationship cannot handle the strain. We, however, found a desire within that would leap mountains to be with the other. And it was not just passion or lust. We were chaste. It was the deep desire of connection at a heart level. I found ways to make the late-night drives. To book the flights. To create the space. I found myself working on my calendar and on my finances to figure out how we could make this work.
When I felt that sense within me of I don’t just want sex, I want her, and when I saw in her eyes that she wanted me, that made restraint sexually extremely difficult. We made sure we didn’t spend long hours alone. I never went in her apartment. We had friends that would call us when they knew we would have longer hours alone in the car. There were moments, particularly after midnight, where it seemed to make all the sense in the world to express our growing desire for each other with physical touch. It felt wrong to deny the impulse.
But there were also mixed in a few moments where the challenges concerning how to reconcile our seemingly different directions and goals in key areas that threw the whole enterprise into question. Was this right? Do our plans for the future align? In those moments, when our paths seemed to diverge a little, it reminded me afresh that this woman was not mine. Not mine to hold. Not mine to take home. We had to continually submit our desires, plans, ambitions, and questions to the Lord.
So even though there were moments where we felt all but married, there were also enough moments sprinkled in along the way that convinced us afresh that there is no such thing as “essentially married.” You either are or you are not. And we were not. So we continued to talk. To plan. To pray. We had to see what areas of our lives could bend toward the other. In time, we found out that we could make it work. My ministry path and hers were compatible and our personalities meshed well.
While we were dating, Donna and I realized that we had shared a meal together seven years earlier. I had traveled to Huntsville, Texas, with my mentor to help him evaluate a potential new worship leader for the ministry he led. After the service my mentor, Gregg, and I had dinner with the worship leader and his entire team. That worship leader happened to be Donna’s boss. She was at that dinner. But, to our knowledge, Donna and I never spoke that night. We also discovered that I owned one of her band’s albums. One of my friends had given it to me years ago and I had never opened it. I had even attended one of her concerts. But I walked in right as her set ended so I didn’t hear her play. We discovered later that we brushed past each other that night, but hadn’t seen each other’s faces. All of these revelations on top of the fact that it turned out we already had literally dozens of mutual friends. But we had never met. A friend of mine told me once while I was single that she was praying for me to be like Adam. She prayed I would go about the work God had called me to do. Then, in God’s perfect timing, he would open my eyes and I would see Eve. I believe God answered that prayer. I was not on a desperate search for Donna. But our individual pursuits of the Lord led us into proximity to one another at the right time.
And there she was.
I am praying he does the same for you. How will the particularities of your story work out? It is impossible to say. The writer Agur states in Proverbs 30:18–19:
Three things are too wonderful for me;
four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a virgin.
There is great mystery in the way a man and a woman come to know one another. Our journeys into intimacy mirror a ship on high seas far more than they do a car on a road. Each of our paths will be unique. Yet, as you journey through your unique story of initmacy, we can all navigate by the same stars. The same principles can guide us all. And when it comes to evaluating whether or not you have found the right one in the right way, I adjure you: look for excitement, life, and for a deepening of trust. And trust God to guide you to the right one in the right way at the right time. It makes for a beautiful story when you do.
married: mission
God designed marriage to be a picture of Jesus and a pursuit of Jesus. In this way, marriage reaches its fullest potential. The strongest bonds are formed when a man and a woman live out their marriage on mission together.
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marriage as a picture
On September 19, 2014, Apple launched the iPhone 6. Three days later, more than thirteen million were already in use.1 Not only had Apple succeeded in making an incredible product, it had masterfully marketed it. Millions watched breathlessly as the CEO announced the latest phone and its incredible new features. Yet, if you watch the presentation, you will notice that he did not say, “Note how this elegant piece of machinery can be jammed under a door as a door-stop. We are revolutionizing room-entry.” Or, “Note how the sleek design allows it to smoothly spread butter across toast.” Why? Because that was not what it was created for! The makers of the iPhone understand that the highest potential will be reached and the greatest satisfaction experienced if its creation is used in accordance with its design. This is true of all things. Freedom is not the absence of boundaries, it is the ability to fulfill created intent. A fish is most free when it swims. A bird is most free when it flies. For all of life, the highest potential will be achieved, and the greatest satisfaction experienced, if we live in accordance with our Creator’s intended design.
The same is true of marriage. When we enter a marriage relationship, we are participating in an institution that God designed. Therefore, our greatest potential and our highest satisfaction in marriage will be achieved when we engage in it in a way consistent with his design. This leads to the important question: What is marriage for? We need to look to the One who made it and discern why he made it to understand how to do it well.
Marriage: Designed by God
We first see God’s design for marriage in Genesis 2. As God fashioned all of creation, he declared seven times that “it is good.” But, then, in verse 18 we get our first “not good.” God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” The animals were already there with Adam, but let’s be honest, there is a big difference between watching a sunset with a beautiful woman and watching it with a cocker spaniel. More than that, God did not intend for man to simply be a cul-de-sac for God’s love and grace. Man is meant to be a conduit of love and grace flowing into other relationships.
God fashioned from the side of Adam what Genesis calls “a helper suitable for him” (2:18 NASB). One that was a good fit. What 1 Peter calls “a fellow heir of the grace of life” (3:7 NASB). Different from each other, yet made to fit together. Physically (obviously), but also spiritually and emotionally. God designs husbands and wives to complement each other—to fit together in a way that brings joy to them both. God designed marriage for our delight. As God walked Eve to Adam, the man spontaneously broke out in rhyme. And the curtain closes on Genesis 2 with a man and woman completely vulnerable with each other and completely at peace. This is the design of marriage. It is a good gift from God. When we engage marriage in accordance with God’s design, there is safety and delight, and we flourish.
