Knights Lady, page 6
But when his tongue slides out and runs over my bottom lip, I can’t ignore it any longer.
I kiss him back.
Deep and hard.
Fingers tangled in his hair. Body pressed against his.
His hands roaming my back, my ass, and everything they can.
The kiss gets frantic.
We back into the house.
And he fucks me again.
Hard. Deep. Fast. Hot.
And I know, I just fucking know.
I’ll hate myself all over again by morning.
5
NOW - LUCY
IT HAS BEEN A WEEK.
One whole week since everything went bad.
One whole week since Shania found out that Nicolai and I had been together.
I should have broken it off the night he came to me before we went on our vacation. I should have. I tried to ignore his calls and texts when I was away. I tried so hard. I told myself what a monster I was over and over. I felt guilty every single time I heard his name. I cringed when Erin asked me about my love life. I even tried to look at other men.
It didn’t work.
I had a great time away, even with the drama of a hurricane which only made things worse because Nicolai called more. When I got back, I swore I’d stay away and that would be the end of it, but it wasn’t.
It wasn’t.
He came over the night I got home, and we fought, oh we fought, then we made love and fuck, it was incredible.
Then, it was almost impossible to stay away.
It didn’t matter what I did, I just couldn’t keep myself from him.
The conversation became easier, the laughter more frequent, and everything seemed to be falling into place.
I became almost content with the fact that I was in a forbidden relationship, even though neither of us were going to call it that. No, we were just going to pretend it wasn’t happening and enjoy each other.
Then, I made the biggest mistake of all.
I text Nicolai when Shania was there. I didn’t know she was there, and she saw the messages. She confronted me, and I broke her heart. I broke her into a thousand pieces. She ran, and I haven’t seen her since. She won’t answer my calls, or my texts, and she won’t answer the door.
She hates me.
She hates me, and I deserve it.
I haven’t spoken to Nicolai in that time, either.
I guess it blew up in his face, too.
Because he has Tommy, and that’s more important to him than anything.
So he hasn’t called me. Hasn’t text me. Hasn’t even tried to contact me.
That means it’s over, I’m not stupid.
So not only is my heart breaking over losing my sister, it’s breaking over losing Nicolai.
I’m alone.
And broken.
And so hateful of myself it burns.
“Knock knock!”
The sound of a familiar voice has my head jerking up from my sad, strange, pathetic thoughts. I’ve just finished work for the night, and I’m wondering what the hell to do. I feel lost. I can’t visit Shania. I can’t talk to Nicolai. I feel empty, like there is just no place in the world I can be right now.
Damon has been my only rock, the only person here to help me through it. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. He’s been helpful in ways I can’t even explain, and I’m thankful for that, but obviously he has to be weary, too. Lincoln is his brother, and Lincoln is with Shania. He doesn’t want to tread on toes, which I understand.
But he’s still been amazing.
“Luce?”
Erin’s voice flows through my house. She’s the only other person who has been amazing. She’s checked on me as much as she can, but she’s been exhausted with work and hasn’t had the chance to come around. I’m surprised she’s here, but it’s a welcome surprise. It’s good to know not everyone hates me.
My poor, pathetic broken heart isn’t healing anytime soon.
I need a friend.
I might not deserve one, but I need one.
“Hey,” I say as she rounds the corner.
She’s beautiful. And funny. Exactly the kind of person I’d pick as a friend. She’s just like me. The same personality. The same dry sense of humor. Erin is awesome, and I’m glad I found her, truly glad. Her dark hair is tied on the top of her head in a messy knot, and she’s wearing a pair of denim shorts and a green tank, which only makes her emerald eyes pop.
Yep. Jealous.
“Hey, girlfriend,” she says, walking over to where I’m sitting and plopping down beside me, dropping a huge bag onto the ground. “I’m staying the night. We’re getting drunk. We’re going to talk until my ears bleed.”
I want to cry. But I don’t. I don’t cry. Hell no, I won’t cry. Because I’m strong, right?
“You’re staying the night?” I say, and my voice is hoarse.
But I won’t cry.
Nope.
“I’m staying the night. Finn is busy with Brody, so I’m all yours. I haven’t been over enough in the last week, and you need it, by the looks of you.”
I look down at myself, then look back up at her. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Honey, you haven’t brushed your hair in days, I can see it. Then there’s the fact that your eyes are puffy and red, so you haven’t slept. Tonight, we’re going to go out. Get drunk. And get past this.”
“I don’t think I can get past it,” I say to her, and even I can hear how pathetic my voice sounds. “Shania hates me.”
“Shania is hurt, yes. She will come around. It’ll take time, but she will, I promise.”
“You’re wrong, she’s not going to get over this,” I say, shaking my head as I speak.
“She will,” Erin says confidently, “because she loves you.”
“I betrayed her.”
Erin shakes her head, pulls out a bottle of vodka, and walks into the kitchen pulling out two glasses and a bottle of orange juice. She mixes them up and hands me one before saying, “Look, here’s how I see it. What you did sucked. It did. But Nicolai and Shania were never together. They slept together. She got pregnant. It went bad. Yes, that sucks, it really does, but he was single, you were single ...”
“He broke her heart by taking her son.”
“Yes, yes he did, but that’s between him and Shania, it has nothing to do with you.”
“I’m her sister ...”
Erin nods. “Yes, yes you are. Because of that you should have told her you had something with him, you should have been honest. She may not have liked it, but at least you were upfront. I feel like that’s what hurts her the most, is that you weren’t honest with her. That you kept it a secret. That’s what is hurting, I’d bet on it.”
She’s right, I know that’s what is hurting Shania the most. Because she trusts me, and we’ve always had each other’s backs. She would have expected me to be honest with her about Nicolai. Erin is right, she wouldn’t have liked it, but being upfront would have saved at least half of this pain. I know that, and I screwed up. I can’t change it now, no matter how hard I try.
“Now, we’re going to get dressed up, go out, and maybe take your mind of this man, because I know you’re hurting.”
I bite my bottom lip. Is it that obvious?
Dammit, I know it probably is.
“Sounds good to me,” I say, even though every instinct in my body is saying no, just stay here, curl up and sulk, don’t go out.
I know going out will do me good.
I know it’ll make me feel better.
At least for a little while.
“HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO Nicolai?” Erin asks me as we drink our fourth cocktail.
We’re sitting out front of a popular bar, in the amazing garden created for people to relax on a clear night. Inside is packed, and people are dancing and laughing, so we couldn’t talk in there. We found a seat out here and have claimed it for the remainder of the night. Erin’s words, not mine.
“No,” I tell her, taking another sip of the fruity drink in front of me.
It’s making my head fuzzy and my body warm, and it’s making it hurt just a little less.
“Has he tried?”
I shake my head, thinking about it only makes me feel worse.
“I’m sorry, honey.”
“You know,” I tell her, “it’s frustrating because he was the one that pushed at the start. He pushed the connection. He pushed for me, and then when it all went bad, which he had to know was going to happen, he disappears. I respect that he is thinking of Shania and Tommy and their relationship, but he was the one that pursued me even when I said no. Sure, I gave in, but I’m so freaking angry at him. Is that bad?”
Erin shakes her head. “Hell no it’s not bad, I’d be angry too. You’re right, he knew the consequences of it, and he still chose to push, now he’s disappeared leaving you heartbroken. No, that’s not fair.”
She’s right, it isn’t fair.
I can own my part, I can take it on board, but I’m not going to defend his actions. He needs to do that. I deserve, at the very least, an explanation as to why he basically ghosted me. I didn’t deserve to be ghosted, I deserved him to man up and say this is over, this can’t continue, and I’m sorry. I’ve said my sorries, I’ve told the people I hurt the most that I should never have done it. I’ve tried. But what I cannot do is speak for him.
“No,” I tell her, “no, it wasn’t fair, at all.”
“You should confront him about it. He, at the very least, owes you that.”
I nod and stare down at my drink, my heart aching.
“There’s my two favorite girls!”
I look up and see Damon strolling in and, my heart, I’m not going to lie, explodes. I’m so happy to see him. So happy to see Erin. So happy to feel like I’m not alone. I stand up with a happy squeal and rush over, throwing my arms around him. He hugs me tightly, saying into my ear, “You didn’t think I was going to let you have fun without me, did you?”
I pull back and grin up at him. “Of course not! I’m so happy you’re here!”
He sits with us after hugging Erin, and I look to her, a big smile on my face. “You really went above and beyond, thank you so much.”
She shrugs. “That’s what friends are for, and considering you and Damon have some weird friendship, I figured I had better invite him.”
I laugh, so does Damon. “I’m glad you did.”
“We were just gossiping about Nicolai,” Erin tells Damon, and then stands. “I’m getting another round of drinks!”
She walks off and Damon looks to me. “You still haven’t heard from him then?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. Not a thing. I stupidly text him a few times which, honestly, just made me feel even more pathetic. I’m usually stronger than that.”
“You’re also usually surrounded by people that make you feel strong, right now you’re down. Give yourself some credit, you’re doing really well.”
I exhale, and then meet his eyes. “Have you seen Shania?”
“Yeah, I saw her today. We actually had a chat, which is why I wanted to come and talk to you.”
I practically launch onto his lap, I’m so desperate to hear what he has to say. “What did she say?”
“She said she’s really hurt, that she can’t believe you’d do that to her. Me being me put it in a different perspective for her, considering she won’t listen to you.”
“What did you say?”
I’m practically shaking out of my seat my foot is tapping so hard. I’m desperate to know what she said, to know if there’s a chance to fix this. I have to try and fix this any way I can. Right now, that’s space, but eventually I want to talk to her.
“I told her that while her and Nicolai have a bad past that it’s also over and he’s no longer any of her concern. Tommy is her concern, but Nicolai is not. That she’s holding onto her own hurt toward him, but really, that’s not on you. You’re a single woman, he’s a single man, and she’s not with him, nor has she ever been with him. While I respect that she has feelings of hurt over what happened, those feelings are her own.”
I stare at him, shocked he’d be so upfront.
“I still betrayed her, as a sister, because of the fact that she has past hurts with him. I should have stayed away for that very reason.”
“Yes, you should have, and you’re owning that. You’re taking responsibility for that. You’re not defending yourself, you know what you’ve done, but it’s also a lot of her feelings being pushed onto you because of how she feels about Nicolai. It isn’t entirely on you.”
He’s right, deep down I know he’s right, though I’d never ever say that to Shania. No, I feel like she has a right to feel the way she does, and I’ll accept that. I’ll accept whatever she wants to dish out to me, because I know she needs it.
“Do you think she’ll ever talk to me again?”
Damon nods. “Yes, I do. I honestly do. I think she just needs time. She did say she misses you and asked me how you were. She also asked if you were still seeing Nicolai.”
Does she not know it has ended? I mean, surely she’s speaking to Nicolai, I’m sure he’s told her he hasn’t spoken to me.
“I’m sure Nicolai told her it has ended.”
“No, Nicolai is angry at her.”
I blink. “He is?”
“Yes. She said he’s civil because of Tommy, but he’s angry at her, because in his eyes, it is not her business. He’s a good father. She’s a good mother. But the past is the past and he’s angry that she’s still living in it and wanting everyone around her to hate him forever. He apparently said, ‘imagine how you’d feel if I told everyone in my life to hate you, for the things you did’. I’m not sure that went down well ...”
“Oh,” I say, feeling really guilty. I never wanted to come between those two, not at all.
“She’s still getting Tommy, she had him today, Nicolai is still working with her, he’s just angry at her. That’s his choice.”
“I didn’t want them to fight ...” I tell Damon, holding his eyes.
“Those two will fight because they want to fight, they don’t need you there to do it. They need to hash it out, hardcore, to truly get over it. The fact is, they’re both still silently angry at the other person, and because of that, they’re both not letting go. That’s on them. Not you.”
“I didn’t help ...”
“No, you didn’t. But it’s done. What more can you do?”
He’s right.
At this point, there is absolutely nothing more I can do.
6
NOW – LUCY
THROWING MY HEAD BACK, way too drunk, I laugh at Damon’s stupid joke.
We’re all walking down the sidewalk after our night out; where we’re heading, I do not know. Past bars and clubs, chatting and laughing. It feels amazing. We’re all super drunk, and the hysterical laughter leaving our throats is definitely turning heads, but who cares? We’re having fun. Life is made to live, is it not?
“You’re a clown, Damon.” I giggle. “Stop telling lame jokes!”
He chuckles. “My lame jokes are making you snort.”
“And my nose is running!” Erin cries. “It’s running like a tap I’m laughing so much. Stop!”
We all laugh again.
“Shit.”
The word leaves Damon’s lips almost as a breathy mutter. It’s short, it’s sharp, and it’s quiet. But it’s serious. I immediately look to him, and he’s staring straight ahead. I look to Erin, she’s doing the same, her face no longer broken out in a happy smile, but instead in a worried expression.
I look forward.
And I see what they see.
Outside of a club, a club I’ve never been to or even probably seen before, is Nicolai. He’s standing with a group of people, dressed in his usual business attire, which tells me he’s been working. By his side is a gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous, blond woman. She’s got her arm hooked through his and currently has her head thrown back in laughter.
The very sight feels like a punch to the stomach.
An agonizing punch to the stomach.
It hurts so much I can’t take another step.
I can’t even think.
My stupid drunken brain can’t fathom what’s in front of me.
He ruined my life.
He pushed and he pushed when he could have just left me alone, we could have made one little mistake and he could have moved on. But he pushed. He came back. He wanted more. Then he left me with nothing. Without a single explanation. He left me heartbroken, without a sister, and confused.
Now ... now he’s standing outside a club with another woman.
As if nothing is wrong in his world.
As if he hasn’t done a single thing in his entire life to anyone. Never hurt a soul. Never felt pain.
He’s just standing there like he hasn’t got a single weight on his shoulders.
He’s smiling at some man standing across from him.
The smile I’ve missed so much in the last week. The smile I’ve craved.
His hand is on the small of her back now, guiding her to turn in our direction so they can no doubt walk away together, walk right where I’m standing, stuck to this damned ground, drunk, probably looking terrible, and angry. So damned angry. I can’t move. I should move, just turn and disappear, maybe he’ll never see me and I can go home and cry it out and get over it.
But I can’t move.
Erin’s hand is on my arm, but I’m still not moving.
How can I? I can’t even breathe, let alone move.
He’s going to look at me any second now, and he’s probably going to feel uncomfortable and wonder how the hell he’s going to get away from me. He’s probably going to compare me to that supermodel on his arm and wonder what the fuck he ever saw in me.
What the hell is wrong with me?
