The Mirrabrook Marriage, page 11
‘Anyway, last night wasn’t the only time you’ve made love to me, Reid. Think about all the other times.’
He closed his eyes quickly, but not before she saw the flash of anguish. She prayed for the wisdom to find a way to force him to face reality—not the crazy fiction his mind had invented. ‘You’ve always been a considerate man, Reid. Passionate, yes, but never violent.’
He didn’t respond but she knew he was listening. ‘Last night I wanted everything you had to give me. I even wanted your baby.’
‘No!’ He lurched away from her to the window, and when he spun back to face her his face was dark with pain. ‘Can’t you see, Sarah? That’s the problem. I can never give you a child. God knows how it might turn out.’
‘There’s every chance it would be the sweetest little baby ever born.’
‘There’s also a chance it might be a criminal.’
‘I doubt that.’ When he didn’t reply, she asked, ‘So you want to play it safe?’
His hands clenched into angry fists. ‘Where you’re concerned, yes. Always.’
‘But Reid, life doesn’t come with a safety net. Sometimes we’ve got to take risks.’
‘I can’t ask you to take this risk, Sarah. It’s for the best that you’re going away. Then you can forget about me.’
She stared at him in horror. ‘You don’t mean that.’
‘Of course I do. You have to leave for the new school at the coast just the way you planned.’
‘But last night—’
‘Forget last night. It was a mistake. It should never have happened.’ A muscle jerked in his cheek. ‘I’m sorry. My behaviour was unforgivable. I’ve been weak and I’ve let you down, but you still have to go.’
‘Reid, I love you.’
A raw, tortured look of pain racked his face and then he jerked his gaze sharply away and she knew he was fighting tears. God, so was she. Inside she was crying rivers. But she was too scared to allow herself the luxury of breaking down.
This was war and she had to win it.
‘I can’t marry you, Sarah.’ His voice grated with a frightening edge of finality. ‘I won’t marry you. I won’t burden you with my genes.’
‘You’re so wrong, Reid. I love you,’ she repeated.
There was no answer.
‘Reid, we don’t have to have children. We can have each other.’
‘No!’ He raked a hand through his hair and dragged it down over his agonised face. ‘I knew you’d want to be noble about this. That’s exactly why I’ve never told you before. You’re the kind of woman who’s made for motherhood.’
‘Not if it means losing you.’
He glared at her. ‘I’m never going to ask you to sacrifice your right to be a mother. Somewhere in the future there’ll be lucky kids who’ll have you as their mum. That’s the way it’s got to be.’
Her stomach lurched then dropped as if she’d stepped off the end of a gangplank. ‘Can’t you get it through your thick head that I want you more than your baby?’
For a brief astonished moment hope shone in his eyes and Sarah thought he was going to give in, but then he shook his head again. ‘You can say that now, but in the future you will regret it.’
She felt faint. She was losing this battle. No matter what she said, Reid was determined to reject her.
Lifting her chin, she squared her shoulders. She had one last piece of ammunition. ‘Are you still trying to pretend that you don’t love me?’
He lifted his hands in a gesture of vexed helplessness. ‘This isn’t a time to be talking of love.’
‘Really?’ She was surprised by how cold and in control she sounded. Inside she was falling apart. ‘I can’t imagine a situation where love would be more relevant.’
But he could be just as cool and controlled. ‘Sorry, Sarah, you’ll just have to accept that the topic is closed.’
‘Reid, this isn’t an Oxford debate. Our lives are at stake. Our happiness.’
‘My point exactly.’ Crossing the room, he showed no emotion as he opened his wardrobe door again and selected a shirt, jerked it off its hanger and held it out to her. ‘You look uncomfortable in that sheet. Put this on while I go and fetch your things.’
CHAPTER TEN
REID rode like a man possessed. It wasn’t his habit to force a horse to the limits of its endurance, but despair pushed him towards that barrier.
Today, as he galloped away from the homestead and towards the distant hills, he was on a quest for speed and danger and pain. If it were feasible he would ride straight off the edge of the earth.
He longed for oblivion, but that wasn’t possible. The least he could hope was that the pounding of his stallion’s hooves on the hard earth would drown out the memory of Sarah’s voice telling him she loved him.
If he was lucky the cloud of white dust stirring beneath him would clog his nose and mouth and block out the smell and the taste of her.
But there was little he could do about the pictures in his head. He’d spent years trying to erase images of Sarah naked and lovely and wanting him. But after last night they were scorched indelibly into his senses. They would always be with him, forever driving him beyond the edge of reason.
And he had been unreasonable with Jessie. She’d been shocked when he’d announced that he was heading off into the bush for a few days.
‘But we have a house full of visitors,’ she protested. ‘Many of them are your friends. What will I tell them?’
‘Make something up,’ he growled. ‘Tell them there are fences down. A bore’s broken. Half the herd has escaped.’
‘Reid, this is because of Sarah, isn’t it?’
He refused to answer her, but he knew that the truth was obvious. This morning Sarah had left Southern Cross without speaking to anyone or waiting for breakfast. And, within half an hour of her leaving, he’d been filling a backpack with supplies and saddling a horse.
‘I wish you wouldn’t go,’ Jessie implored him. ‘Flora was hoping to have a word with you.’
‘Flora?’ It was difficult to keep the scorn from his voice.
‘Yes. She has something she wants to tell you—to tell us both, actually. It’s about your father.’
‘No, thanks. That’s an information overload I can do without.’
‘You never know, Reid. It might be important.’
He actually laughed at her then. ‘If Aunt Flora—’
‘Your mother,’ Jessie corrected gently.
‘If she had important news, why would she wait for over thirty years to pass it on?’
That stumped poor Jessie. Her face crumpled and he felt like a prize heel.
‘Look, I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘but I really have to get away for a day or two—maybe longer.’
‘Until Sarah Rossiter’s left Mirrabrook?’
He nodded. ‘I have to keep my distance from her.’
‘Unlike last night?’
Reid flinched.
‘You didn’t dance with anyone else,’ Jessie said, as if she felt compelled to defend her observation.
He let out a long, tired sigh and looked away.
‘I thought when I saw you dancing last night that you and Sarah might have sorted everything out.’
‘Yeah, we did.’
‘But poor Sarah has taken off and you’re looking the worst I’ve ever seen you. Whatever you sorted out, it can’t have been very satisfactory.’
‘Life doesn’t come with a satisfaction guarantee.’ As he said this he recognised that he was putting his own twist on Sarah’s words. Life doesn’t come with a safety net.
Jessie placed a hand on his arm. Once, she would have hugged him, but these days she was more cautious. He couldn’t blame her.
‘Reid, I’m so worried about you. What’s happened? What’s gone wrong? You used to be such fun. Remember all the pranks you’d get up to with Kane? This house was always so full of fun and laughter. I can’t bear to see you so unhappy.’
‘Nothing’s wrong.’ He sighed. ‘Nothing that can’t be fixed by a few days in the bush. Please don’t worry about me. I just need to get away.’
And he walked away from her then, marching off to the horse paddock without looking back.
There was a mountain of last minute paperwork for Sarah to sort through before she could leave. Semester reports still had to be written, and the next term’s budget had to be prepared. She needed to leave background information on each pupil too for the new teacher, and there was a stack of departmental paperwork to file or to send away to Brisbane.
Luckily her employers recognised that as both principal and classroom teacher she would need relief and a supply teacher was sent to take over her class for two days while she closeted herself in her office.
Actually, the title of office was too grandiose a term for the tiny airless room at the back of the schoolhouse. It was so small that by four p.m. on Monday afternoon there was hardly a surface that hadn’t disappeared under mountains of A4 paper or manila folders.
But Sarah was grateful for the tedium of paperwork. Sorting through administrative minutiae kept her mind busy. For long stretches of time she could blank out thoughts of Reid.
And she’d made good progress on the first day, but now that it was almost over she felt dead tired. Sleepless nights, busy days, stress, stress, stress. By the time she reached the coast she’d be a wreck.
If only she could crawl home, nuke a quick snack in the microwave and try for an early night, but this evening she had another farewell dinner—with Ned Dyson this time. It was a blessing not to have to cook, but these farewell dinners weren’t easy. Ned and his wife had become like family to her and saying goodbye wouldn’t be much fun at all.
As she filed yet another folder she heard footsteps approaching through the schoolroom and then a woman’s voice.
‘Oh, dear, I’m afraid we’re disturbing you.’
Turning, she was shocked to see Jessie McKinnon and her sister peering around the doorway. Her silly heart clattered.
‘H-hello,’ she stammered, unable to cover her surprise. She struggled to smile. ‘Excuse the mess. My—my office isn’t always like this.’
From the doorway Jessie said, ‘We knew you’d be busy, Sarah, so we waited until school was finished, but it looks as if you’re still snowed under.’
Sarah was too flustered by their sudden appearance to answer with anything but the truth. ‘Actually, all these files make me look much busier than I really am. I’m nearly done for the day.’
Clearly heartened by this, Jessie took a tentative step into the room. ‘If you’re not too busy then, would you mind if we had a word with you?’
Yes. Of course she minded. She needed to put as much distance between herself and the McKinnon family as she could. An unexpected visit from these women had to include news of Reid and she was quite sure she hadn’t the strength to deal with it.
‘No, of course I don’t mind,’ she said, and she cursed inwardly. Here she was, once again letting her weakness for Reid interfere with common sense.
Jumping to her feet, she made a sweeping gesture to indicate the mess and she forced a smile. ‘There’s no room in here. We’d better go through to the schoolroom.’
Nervous flutters danced in her stomach as she led the way. She wondered if she should have invited the women next door to her cottage, but her house was littered with storage boxes and she sensed that this wasn’t exactly a social call. She hoped it would be over quickly.
They sat facing each other in a triangle of adult-sized chairs that loomed extra large in comparison with the low chairs and desks of her small pupils. Sarah wished she was still behind her own desk. At least then she would be able to wipe her nervous hands on her skirt. ‘Now, how can I help you?’
She addressed her question to Jessie and, as she did so, she realised that neither of her visitors looked any calmer than she felt. Jessie leaned forward, hands clasped tightly in her lap, and her face looked pale and strained, her eyes tired and underlined by shadows.
Flora looked on with anxious blue eyes that were a perfect match for her sister’s.
‘Sarah,’ Jessie began, ‘there’s no point in beating about the bush. I’m afraid we have rather a demanding request. You see, Reid has ridden off into the back blocks. I think he’s camping out in that cave in the hills.’
Sarah swallowed. ‘The Cathedral Cave?’
‘Yes, I’d say so. Our problem is that Flora and I have something extremely important to tell him, but we can’t reach him.’
‘What about Kane? Can’t he fetch Reid for you?’
‘No, he and Charity needed to go back to Lacey Downs straight after the wedding. And I’m afraid Vic’s too old to drive all the way out to the cave and our new cook’s not familiar with the territory.’
Sarah tried again to clear the lump in her throat. ‘Reid won’t be out there for long. He’ll be back soon, won’t he?’
‘It might not be soon enough,’ Jessie said with a surprisingly dramatic air.
Sarah frowned. ‘Is this an emergency?’
‘More or less.’ Jessie bit her lip and her shoulders lifted in a self-conscious shrug. ‘It’s important that we speak to him before you leave.’
Sarah’s heart gave an almighty thump and she felt her face flood with colour. What on earth did this mean?
‘I know it’s a lot to ask,’ Jessie added hurriedly. ‘But Flora and I were hoping that you could go out to the cave. You’re such a good horsewoman and you know the way. You could reach Reid in a few hours.’
Oh, God. Sarah’s stomach tightened so fast she thought she might be sick. What were these women up to? Surely they weren’t trying to matchmake? ‘I’m sorry, Jessie. I can’t.’
‘I know you’re busy.’
‘Yes, I’m very busy, but even if I wasn’t I couldn’t go out there. I don’t want to see Reid and he wouldn’t welcome me.’ She blinked away the threat of tears. ‘He and I have said our goodbyes.’
Heavens, this was too much. She’d had enough of being at this community’s beck and call. She’d gone the extra yard for the McKinnon family. Couldn’t people give her a break?
Reaching out, Jessie squeezed her hand. ‘Sarah, my dear, Reid hasn’t confided in me, so I can only guess why you and he are both so upset, but I believe Flora’s news could set things right between the two of you.’
Flora’s news? Sarah frowned. What on earth did Reid’s aunt have to do with any of this? She shook her head. ‘No, I’m sorry, it’s not possible.’
‘Sarah, I wouldn’t be asking this of you if I didn’t have your interests at heart. We’d both be so relieved and grateful if you’d try to reach Reid.’
‘I have tried, Jessie. I’ve been trying to reach Reid for years. It’s no good. I—I know when I’m beaten. I’ve had enough.’
She couldn’t handle this. She’d been coping till now. Okay, maybe she wasn’t eating or sleeping, but at least she’d managed to keep her tears at bay until after dark. But now she felt as if she might break down completely in front of Reid’s mother and his aunt.
Jumping to her feet, she began to pace the floor, and she had to take several calming breaths before she could speak. ‘Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything else I can do. Reid’s told me about his—his father.’
She glanced back at the sisters and they were both frowning but she continued anyway. ‘It doesn’t matter how much I try to reassure him that I still love him, he won’t listen. He’s being incredibly stubborn. He’s taken the high moral ground and he thinks he’s doing me an enormous favour by turning me loose.’
Jessie sighed. ‘He might change his tune if he knew the truth.’
The truth? Sarah’s brow furrowed as she considered this. Knowing the rapist’s identity wouldn’t help Reid now. She doubted anything would reach him. He was too full of the hurt that was wreaking havoc inside him.
‘He probably wouldn’t listen to you. He’s tearing himself apart emotionally, but I can’t do anything. Every time I try to help he suffers more.’ Sarah’s mouth trembled. ‘And I’m left devastated.’
Now Jessie was on her feet too. ‘I’m sure Reid loves you, Sarah.’
Fighting tears, Sarah ploughed her hands through her hair. Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry. ‘That’s the problem. I’ve clung for ages to the belief that Reid loved me—and he does.’ With a brief despairing sigh she let her hands drop back to her sides. ‘But at last I understand that love isn’t enough.’
‘Oh, no, my dear, you must be mistaken.’
Sarah shook her head. ‘Love isn’t everything. Romantics see love as a cure-all, but sometimes it takes more. It takes—oh, I don’t know—a leap of faith.’
There was a loud gasp which seemed to come from Flora.
‘I’m sorry, Jessie. I can’t help you with this.’
Reid’s mother stared at her for a long moment and then her shoulders slumped and her blue eyes took on an air of defeat.
It was almost dusk now and the dull light in the schoolroom seemed to magnify the bleakness of their conversation. The two women both looked so depressed, so bitterly disappointed, that Sarah felt a stab of alarm. Had she missed something here? When Jessie spoke about the truth, what exactly had she meant?
Could she be making a big mistake? Her mind whirled. Was the universe offering her one last chance?
‘What on earth can I tell Reid that will change his mind now?’ she asked suddenly. ‘Can you give me one good reason why I should go to the cave?’
To her surprise it was Flora who responded.
Reid’s aunt actually smiled, although it was a very wobbly smile and her eyes shone damply. ‘I can do better than give you one good reason, Sarah. I have two.’
‘Two?’ she repeated in a shocked whisper.
Flora nodded and took a deep breath. ‘You see, my first reason is that I’m Reid’s mother.’
Sarah’s jaw dropped. She couldn’t have felt more shocked if Flora had announced she was an escapee from a faraway galaxy. She glanced at Jessie, who smiled awkwardly and gave a barely perceptible nod.
Flora continued. ‘And the second thing is that I very much want him to know the truth about his father.’
