Just The Way You Are, page 25
Dr. Price stopped them outside the door to Phoebe's room. His face was a picture of compassion, of pity, of sympathy. Oh, God!
"I'm sorry," Dr. Price said. "Phoebe had another stroke. A massive one this time. And her heart stopped. She didn't make it."
"She didn't make it? What does that mean?" Alli asked wildly. "How could she not make it? She was getting better. You told me she was getting better. She was going home on Monday. I don't understand. She's not dead. She can't be dead. I have to see her."
"Alli," Sam said softly, putting his arm around Alli's shoulders. "She's gone."
"No. No." Alli looked into his eyes and saw the truth but she didn't want to believe it. "I didn't say good-bye. She can't go until I say good-bye." Alli turned her head and saw Tessa frozen in place, staring at the door to her grandmother's hospital room with an expression of pure terror.
Alli slipped away from Sam and put her hand on Tessa's arm. Tessa looked at her in confusion. "Why is this happening, Alli?"
"I don't know," Alli said shakily.
"You can both go in if you want," Dr. Price said quietly. "Mr. Beckett is with your grandmother now, so whenever you're ready…"
Alli glanced back at Sam. He nodded in encouragement. "I'll wait here for you."
She took a deep breath and entered the hospital room. It was dark, not only from the closed blinds but because the bright lights that had disturbed her grandmother so were now dimmed in respect. William rose from the chair when he saw them, his eyes anguished, his hands trembling as he put his arms around both of them.
When he released them, Alli looked over at her grandmother, lying flat in the bed, so still, so pale. Her heart broke and the tears streamed down her cheeks. "Oh, Grams," she whispered. "I wanted to tell you that I love you, but now you're gone, and I can't." She sat down on the edge of the bed and kissed her grandmother on the cheek, shocked by the coolness of her skin.
Tessa came around the other side of the bed, keeping some distance between herself and Phoebe. "She looks like she's sleeping, like she might wake up any second and tell us that she can't die yet, because…" Her voice broke.
"She hasn't finished counting the stars," Alli said with a sob.
"She told us it would be all right," Tessa said in confusion. "Why isn't it all right, Alli?"
Alli shook her head. "I don't know. I miss her already. Oh, God! I can't believe she's gone." She took a breath, feeling overwhelming sadness. "I can't believe I'm never going to talk to her again. She's never going to walk into her house or kiss Megan or pick a flower in her garden or tell me to stop acting so childishly. I wanted her to see that I've changed, that I've grown up."
"She knows that, Alli. She knew us better than we knew ourselves."
Alli looked into Tessa's eyes. "How can we go on without her?"
"We just will," Tessa said helplessly.
The clock ticked off another loud minute. It was the only sound in the room, a painful reminder that they had been too late.
"I thought the pearl would save her somehow," Alli said. "But instead I think it set her free. That's why she gave it to Sam. She must have known, must have felt something."
"That's why she sounded like she was saying good-bye to us earlier. She didn't want to scare us but she wanted us to know that she loved us," Tessa said.
"I feel so alone, so terribly alone."
"You're not alone." Tessa held out her hand across the bed and Alli took it. "I'm here."
Alli squeezed Tessa's hand. "Thank God. We can't forget that we're sisters, Tessa. We share more than just blood and memories. We share love. And we are better together than we ever were apart." Alli looked down at Phoebe, feeling a deep and penetrating sorrow. "If Grams taught us anything, she taught us that."
* * *
Two days later, on the Fourth of July, Alli walked down the pier toward the boathouse where Sam, Megan, Tessa, and Jimmy waited for her and the silver urn she carried in her hands. It felt strange to be carrying her grandmother's ashes, but then the past forty-eight hours had been surreal as they had dealt with the business aspect of death all the while being frozen with grief and despair.
There had been little time for reflection. They'd been busy answering the phone, receiving casseroles and desserts and filling out forms. Alli wasn't sure when it would all sink in—maybe today, when they spread her grandmother's ashes across the sea that she could never bear to leave.
William met her at the end of the dock, standing away from the others in a stark black business suit. He'd lost weight, and there was a bleakness to his eyes that she would never forget. When she reached him, she gave him a hug, blinking back the perpetual moistness that claimed her eyes every time someone looked at her with sympathy.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
"Never again," he said gruffly. "But somehow I'll go on. We all will." He paused. "I'm not going out on the boat with you."
"You're not?"
"No." He looked out at the sea, then back at her. "I never thought this was where she wanted to be, just where she had been forced to live. In other words, I thought she grew where she was planted," he said, repeating her grandmother's favorite phrase. "Now I know that this was where her heart was always. The last few months, I'd been begging her to marry me. I told her I could give her a mansion in Philadelphia or a mountain retreat in Colorado, but all she ever wanted was her house by the sea."
"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back the way you want, the way you hope." She took a deep breath. "I think Grams did love you in her own way."
"The only way she could," he agreed. "But I can't go out on that ocean with you. This was her place. Hers and John's. It wasn't mine. It wasn't meant to be. I hope you won't think me disrespectful, but I need to go home now."
"I understand. You've been a tower of strength for all of us. I just wish it didn't have to end this way."
"So do I. Good-bye, Alli. Take care of yourself and your family." He started to leave, then stopped. "I don't regret loving Phoebe, even though she thought it was a huge waste of my life. She never understood that loving her made me happy, that in a way it was enough for me." He paused, sending her a very direct look. "I don't expect it will ever be enough for you. If Sam doesn't love you enough, find someone who will. You deserve it. Don't sell yourself short."
"I won't," she promised. Alli watched him walk away, then took a deep breath and headed for the boat. Sam took the urn out of her hands as she stepped on board. Jimmy gave her a smile and a hug. Jimmy had been great the past few days, taking care of Megan, making sure they all ate, even making them laugh. Alli wished Grams could have met Jimmy. She felt sure Phoebe would have liked him.
"I'm thinking maybe I should stay on dry land and wait for you," Jimmy said to her as Sam started the engine and Tessa began to explain to Megan exactly what they were going to do.
"No, you should come."
"I'm not family."
"You're a friend, a good friend. Please come."
"Well, I'd like to be here for Tessa."
"Then stay." Alli walked over to Megan and picked her up in her arms. "How's my baby?"
"I'm okay, Mommy."
"She's just like you," Tessa told Alli. "A million questions, and she keeps asking me each one in a slightly different way until she gets the answer she wants."
"That's my girl."
"Everyone ready to go?" Sam asked.
Tessa looked at Alli. "We're really going to do this, aren't we?"
"It's what she wanted," Alli replied.
"I can't believe we're spreading her ashes on the Fourth of July, on her wedding anniversary. She was supposed to be home today."
"I think she is home," Alli said softly. "I think she's with Grandpa."
Tessa nodded and slipped her arm around Alli's waist as Sam took the boat out to sea. It was a bright, beautiful, sunny day, the kind of day when anything seemed possible. The wrong kind of day to bury someone, Alli thought somberly. Or maybe, as the minister had told her earlier, maybe the angels were celebrating Phoebe's coming-home party.
Finally, Sam cut the engines and they drifted on the waves, Tucker's Landing a beautiful harbor behind them, the rest of the world waiting on the horizon.
"Do you want to say something?" Sam asked Alli.
"Grams didn't believe in funerals. She didn't want any ceremonies, no long speeches, no public farewells. So I guess we'll just say, So long, Grams, we love you." And Alli let the ashes fly with the breeze as they sailed across the water and toward a new future.
* * *
They weren't going to participate in the kite festival, but upon returning to the docks they found half the town waiting for them, a picnic lunch set up at the park in lieu of the memorial service Phoebe's lifelong friends knew she didn't want. But they were all there to talk about her, to celebrate her life along with the Fourth of July.
When the kite festival began at four o'clock, Alli found herself just behind the starting line, waiting for the others to come back with the kites. Sam walked up to her a moment later, his hands empty. "Megan insisted on carrying the kite."
Alli simply smiled.
He put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"Not really. Do you think Grams would mind us doing this?" she asked. "It seems disrespectful."
"I think she'd expect you to go on, Alli. It's what she always did, after she lost her son and later her husband. Even when Tessa left, she told us to get on with our lives, that we weren't meant to stand still in one place, but to embrace whatever life held in store for us."
His words gave her a comfort unlike any other, and she couldn't stop herself from giving him a tender kiss on the lips. It was meant to be a brief caress, but once there, she found herself lingering, tasting, memorizing everything about him. They hadn't talked about anything personal in the last forty-eight hours, and soon they would have to face the reality of their lives. But not now. Now she just wanted to stop thinking and love Sam for just a few more minutes.
When she finally pulled away, she was almost shaking from the intensity of her emotions. She didn't know if she could bear to lose Sam now. Her resolve to let him go, to give him his freedom, had weakened considerably since her grandmother's death. How could she go on alone? But she knew she had to do just that. She had to let Sam have a chance at the life he wanted, whatever that was.
Sam looked down at her, his eyes dark and serious. "We need to talk, Alli."
Her stomach turned over. She couldn't do this now. Couldn't say good-bye to anyone else, not today.
"We can't. They're about to start the kite race."
He hesitated, seeing she was right as Megan, Jimmy, and Tessa drew near.
"Daddy, are you ready?" Megan called, lining up next to Jimmy and Tessa.
"Do us proud, okay?" Alli said lightly.
Sam leaned over and kissed her firmly on the mouth. "I'm going to impress the hell out of you. Just watch."
"I won't be able to take my eyes off of you," she said. I never could.
The race took off with the sound of a whistle, and within minutes the blue sky was covered with a kaleidoscope of colors talking a ride on the wind. Alli kept her eyes peeled on the kite upon which Megan had so lovingly drawn a picture of their family. Would this be the last time they were together? Would this be the end of everything?
She tried not to think about it, tried to let the worries fly away as easily as some of the kites, but deep down inside, she knew they were heading toward the moment of truth, for now that Grams was gone, Tessa was free to go or to stay, and Alli wasn't sure she could bear it either way.
In the end Sam and Megan came in second, because somehow Jimmy and Tessa, flying Grams's old kite, caught a breeze that wouldn't quit, and Alli could do nothing but smile, for it was Grams's day after all.
* * *
The next night Alli looked out her bedroom window and saw a sky filled with stars. One of them seemed to give her a wink as if to say, I'm okay, don't worry about me anymore. Alli blew the star a kiss and walked over to the bed.
She sat down, staring at Sam's side, so empty, so cold. They'd barely spoken since the fireworks the night before. She'd spent the day with Megan down at the beach, relaxing, trying to breathe some normalcy back into her daughter's life while Jimmy and Tessa had kept themselves busy somewhere else.
Alli knew Tessa was planning to leave soon. She'd mentioned that she had to get down to L.A. to finish the assignment she and Jimmy had been scheduled to complete last week. But Tessa had been deliberately vague about her long-term plans.
Alli started, hearing footsteps on the stairs, heavy footsteps, a man's footsteps. She jumped to her feet as Sam filled the doorway. He was wearing a brown leather jacket over his shirt and jeans. "You scared me," she said breathlessly, pulling the tie of her bathrobe, suddenly aware of what she wasn't wearing underneath.
"Sorry, I didn't want to ring the doorbell and wake Megan up." He took a step into the room and set a suitcase down on the floor.
Her heart sank to her toes. Was he leaving with Tessa? Had he come to say good-bye?
"How are you, Alli?"
"I'm hanging in there. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster this past week." She studied the intense look in his eyes. "My ride isn't over yet, is it?"
"Tessa is going back to L.A. in the morning," Sam said.
She held her breath, not daring to ask if he was going with her.
"She said she'd come back to help you deal with Phoebe's house and her things," he added.
"I can't do any of that right now."
"I don't think Tessa is ready either."
He stopped talking, and Alli had no idea what else to say. Sam walked farther into the room and shut the door behind him.
"What—what are you doing?" she asked.
"I have something to give you, Alli."
She swallowed hard. "What is it?"
It took slow, agonizing minutes for him to pull the strand of pearls out of his pocket. He held them out to her, and they sparkled in the night light.
Alli couldn't move. She couldn't lift her hand. Couldn't take them. "You're supposed to—supposed to give them to the woman you truly love," she said breathlessly.
His gaze didn't waver from hers. "I love you."
Oh, God! It had taken a lifetime for him to say the words. Or had he said them? Was she imagining the moment? She blinked, but he was still there when she opened her eyes, and he was waiting. "I think you're going to have to say that again," she told him.
A smile crossed his lips, but his eyes were still incredibly somber. "Fair enough. I love you, Alli. Did you hear me? Do you get it? Because if you need me to say it again, I will, and again, if I have to. I should have said it years ago."
"You love me?" she asked in wonder. "Are you sure? When did you know? When did it happen?"
"I don't know when it happened," he said slowly. "Maybe it happened when we slept together all those years ago. Maybe when you delivered our baby into the world. Maybe when you stayed up all night with me when I was sick. Maybe when you bought that red thong for our anniversary." He smiled gently, tenderly, lovingly. "Maybe it was when you made up with Tessa, when you told me I was free. Or maybe it was when we said good-bye to Phoebe. I don't know when it happened, Alli. Because our love is our life."
A knot formed in her throat, so big she wasn't sure she could breathe or swallow or talk. "Sam," was all she could get out.
He moved closer and put the pearl necklace over her head. "You are the woman I love."
"I want to believe you, Sam, but Tessa…" Her insecurities haunted her still.
"Tessa and I would not have lasted. We were young love, but when our love was tested by the very smallest thing, it fell apart. I wasn't meant to follow Tessa around the world, and she wasn't meant to be a fisherman's wife."
"Are you sure?"
He cupped her face with his hands. "You didn't steal my life. You gave me one. Watching you these past few months made me realize how much I'd taken your being in my life for granted. I know now I was holding something back from you, but I hope you realize that I was holding it back from myself, too. When you got pregnant, it was like one life ended and another started. I guess I felt I could only hang on to that past life if I held something back from you."
"But you loved Tessa. You might love her again," Alli cried, knowing she should just take what he was saying at face value, but she had to be sure. "If you come back to me now, I'm never going to let you go. So you better know what you're saying to me."
He smiled. "I do know what I'm saying. You're the one who isn't listening. I don't love Tessa anymore. All these years I remembered her only as I knew her, but she's different. I'm different. So are you. We all grew up. We all grew into ourselves. Tessa and I don't belong together. Her life is not what I want. My life is not what she wants. We flirted with the possibility of what if, because of the way it all ended so abruptly. We never felt like we had a choice. But the truth is, we always had choices, and we made the right ones."
He took a deep breath, but put his finger against her mouth when she tried to interrupt. "I care about Tessa," he continued. "She'll always be my childhood friend. She'll always be your sister. But you—you are the one. I love you, Alli, and I'm not going to let you divorce me. And I'll fight you and Tessa and the whole damn town if I have to."
"You would fight for me?" she asked.
"Isn't it about time?"
"Past time."
"Forgive me for being a little slow?"
"A lot slow. But I do forgive you. I love you, too, Sam. I always have, from the first minute I saw you."
He kissed her tenderly, a first kiss, a promise of a new beginning.
"What's with the suitcase?" she finally asked.
"I'm moving back in. And I've made some other decisions."
"Like what?"
"I'm not going to sell my business. I'm going to make it better. And I'm not giving up on my marriage; I'm going to make that better, too." He smiled at her. "I'm also thinking of selling the Thunderbird to Jimmy. We can use the money to invest in us, in whatever you want, Alli."
