The Santa Problem, page 10
But don’t!
Alfie licked at the slit and Kendall’s breathing faltered.
“Don’t forget to breathe.” Alfie flicked his tongue back and forth over the head, then wrapped his lips around the top inch and sucked.
“Holy shit,” Kendall muttered. Don’t come!
Alfie let him slip free. “Was that a Holy shit, this guy doesn’t know what he’s doing? Or Holy shit, I forgot to lock my car? Or Holy shit, I’m going to come if Alfie does that again?”
“Stop talking and get on with it.”
Alfie sat back on his heels.
“Sorry,” Kendall blurted.
“What are you sorry for?” Alfie cocked his head.
“Whatever you like. Whatever I’ve done or not done. Just…don’t stop now.”
Alfie’s fingers wrapped around Kendall’s hips and he took the top inch of Kendall’s cock into his mouth. Kendall groaned and Alfie took him deeper and he felt the brush of Alfie’s piercing. Then deeper still. Fuck! Kendall’s eyes fluttered closed and his fingers found Alfie’s head. Oh fucking hell. Kendall knew he was making all sorts of strange sounds. He could vaguely hear himself but he couldn’t help it. Nor could he help moving his hips, pushing up into Alfie’s mouth while his hands held him in place.
It felt so good, the pressure of Alfie’s tongue and mouth, and the drag of metal sending fire trickling down his spine. Kendall really didn’t want to come yet. As if him wanting that meant anything. He wasn’t in control of his body. He opened his eyes to see Alfie looking up at him and his gut clenched. Alfie looked gorgeous with his flushed cheeks and wide eyes, his mouth filled with Kendall’s dick.
Kendall wanted to watch as his cock disappeared and reappeared between Alfie’s lips, but his eyes closed as he surrendered to sensation, his body wallowing in pleasure, as if he were being propelled along a warm river by a gentle current. He could feel himself edging towards orgasm, rapids ahead followed by a waterfall.
His mouth was dry, his heart going crazy deep in his chest and his balls tightening as heat raced through him. Kendall cried out as his cock detonated in Alfie’s mouth. He shuddered, his body tossing and turning in white water before he fell. Each time he spasmed, a cry broke from his lips. “Fuck! God! Fuck!”
As the tremors died away, he sank back into the chair, and let go of Alfie’s hair.
“You?” Kendall managed to ask.
“It’s okay.”
“No.” Kendall pulled Alfie up, fumbled with the fastening on his jeans, then yanked them and his underpants down to his ankles. Alfie leaned back against the desk and Kendall dropped to the floor. He no sooner had his mouth around Alfie’s cock than he was coming and Kendall’s heart went back to hammering in his chest.
He pulled Alfie down onto the floor and they sat wrapped in each other’s arms. It was Alfie who instigated the kiss. Kendall had never been kissed when he’d just had a guy come in his mouth. It was hot and sexy and he wished he’d done it before.
“So did I just blow your mind or can you still remember your name?” Alfie asked.
“Yes and just about. In that order.”
Alfie sighed. “Hmm. Maybe next time I’ll make you forget it.”
That made Kendall laugh.
They stood up and put their clothing back to rights.
“What are we going to do for the next two hours?” Alfie grinned. “You could open your filing cabinet.”
Kendall frowned. “Is there something in there?”
“You won’t know if you don’t open it.”
Kendall took his keys from his pocket and walked over. Alfie hadn’t had access to his office, had he? Definitely not to his filing cabinet. But there was a folded piece of paper on top of the files. Kendall opened it.
Ask me five questions and I’ll answer truthfully. Let me ask you five questions too.
“How did you get—no, I’m not asking that.” Kendall glared at him. But how had he got into the cabinet? And when? Maybe there was enough room to slide the paper in.
“You can go first,” Alfie said. “All five questions, one after the other.”
Kendall sat down on his chair and tugged Alfie back onto his lap. This was his chance to find out about the iPad and the Nintendo Switch. But was there something more important he should be asking? Alfie leaned into him and Kendall found himself stroking Alfie’s arm, twisting the soft dark hairs in his fingers.
“What was your life like growing up?” Kendall finally asked.
“I never knew my birth mum and dad. I was brought up by a couple who had eight other children. I was the youngest and I was spoilt. The older ones never wanted to let me do anything because they worried I’d get into trouble and so get them into trouble too. I was in trouble a lot. But I was happy. Always happy.”
“What sort of trouble?”
Alfie bit his lip. “When I was younger, I was mischievous. I moved my brothers’ and sisters’ things. I hid their shoes. I sewed up the arms of their sweaters. I put salt in the sugar bowl. I think maybe it was just to get even more attention but it made people laugh. Well, apart from those I played the trick on. I grew out of that, much to everyone’s relief. But then I did more adventurous things. I used to go off and sleep with the reindeer and no one knew where I was. I sneaked into places I wasn’t supposed to. I went on long journeys without telling anyone. They don’t know about all of them. I almost drowned once. I didn’t do as I was told. I broke rules. I took what others thought were unacceptable risks. I got piercings and that tattoo after I was told not to. I was different and I liked being different. I regret nothing. Not yet anyway.”
“Boyfriends?”
“Is that a question?”
Kendall nodded.
“I’ve had boyfriends. Three. I broke things off. Nice guys but not right for me. I wasn’t right for them either, though none of them saw that. They didn’t need me enough and they didn’t make me happy. I wanted to be important in their world, to be the most important thing and I knew I never would be. That’s three questions.”
“I can count.” Kendall could think of several things to ask but he already knew he wasn’t going to like the answers.
How did you come to give a Switch and an iPad away?
How do you find out so much about the kids?
What happens on the 24th December?
Where are you from?
Where do you live?
Why are you really here?
Maybe he should have asked some of those questions instead. Well, he could ask two of them.
“Where do you usually live?”
“Narsuk. It’s in Greenland.”
Kendall gaped at him. “Greenland? Your English is very good—and that wasn’t a question.”
“Takk, gracias, obrigado, efharisto, merci, danke, do je, shukran, thank you.”
“Do you—No.” Asking him whether he could speak those languages wasn’t the most important question. Kendall had no explanation for how Alfie could sound as English as him. Then, he hadn’t asked him where he’d come from, but where he lived. He might have moved there. But why? Greenland? Seriously? Had he brought the reindeer over from there?
A question formed in his head. It was stupid, a waste of a question when he could already guess the answer was no, but he still asked it. “Do you think I could make you happy?”
“Yes.”
Alfie hadn’t hesitated. Not a fraction of a second. Oh God.
“I know I’ve had my five questions, but can I ask why you think I could make you happy? I don’t think I’ve ever managed to make anyone happy.” It felt like a damning confession.
“I like you.”
“What is there to like?” Kendall felt as if sharp black needles were multiplying inside his body. Why was he doing this to himself?
Alfie swivelled round so he was sitting facing him. “You had an unhappy childhood. You might not have told me any details, but a child deprived of birthdays and Christmas? I’m guessing you didn’t know what it was like to be loved. You’ve not had the chance to grow into the man you could be because of that. But you’re willing to take a chance. You’re brave. You have a kind heart. You care about others. I like making you smile. When I do more than that, it feels as if you’ve given me a precious gift. You’re still a work-in-progress, but aren’t we all? That was a rhetorical question. I’m already making you happy, aren’t I? Another rhetorical question.”
“Your turn then.” Anxiety churned Kendall’s stomach.
“Who broke your heart?”
“On which occasion?”
“All of them.”
Kendall started with the last time, not the first. “I thought I was in love, once. I worked in the City for an insurance company and Sebastian worked in an advertising agency on the floor below. We met in the lift. We dated, eventually moved in together and when we were on holiday in Italy, I asked him to marry me. He said… He said he was the happiest guy in the world. We spent nine months planning a Christmas wedding. Looking back, I can see now what I missed then. His increasing lack of interest, lack of involvement, lack of love. But then, I saw nothing. I chose to see nothing.” His throat closed up.
Alfie took hold of his clenched fists.
“Everyone was at the wedding venue. Sebastian was late. Nothing unusual in that, but amusingly late became inexcusably late and another wedding was due to take place. People were trying to phone him and when even I couldn’t get hold of him, I thought he might have had an accident. Then his brother came to tell me Sebastian had changed his mind.”
Alfie let out a long sigh.
“It was…” Kendall screwed his eyes up as he remembered. “Very difficult. I stayed in a hotel for the weekend and came home to find all his stuff, and some of mine, had gone. He’d already moved in with the guy he’d found to replace me.”
“Oh shit.”
“Later I was told that he’d been torn over who to choose right until the last minute when the other guy had come to plead with him not to marry me. The other guy who just happened to be my boss. I quit my job. I felt…a fool to have never noticed anything. Love made you blind, I was told. I decided then that it would never happen again.”
“I don’t think you’re likely to get jilted twice. That would be really unlucky.”
Kendall chuckled. “I’d forgotten how to laugh until you arrived.”
“I think it’s time you allowed your heart to mend.”
He was right. Kendall stared at Alfie. Since he’d arrived…
“So when else did your heart break? That’s still the first question, right?”
“When I realised what life was going to be like with my grandparents, it broke a little more every day. I had to be the perfect child in the way I spoke, dressed, ate and behaved. Not coming top of the class, not getting full marks, any negative comment on my report—meant I was punished. Every night I used to dream that my father would come and save me. It took a long time to come to terms with that not happening.”
“What’s your greatest fear?” Alfie asked.
Kendall wasn’t sure how to answer that. That he’d slide back when Alfie had gone? That he’d die alone, never having loved anyone? With no one ever having loved him?
“Depression.” That covered it all didn’t it? “Being alone for the rest of my life. Not being able to pull myself out of the hole I’ve let myself fall into.”
“Do you take medication?”
“I used to. Therapy helped. I know the signs now and I have techniques to help if I start to feel low. Question four?”
“Is there something you’d rather do than work as the manager of a garden centre?”
“Possibly, but I have no idea what.”
“Last question. Did your mother ever tell you anything about your father?”
Kendall gave a short, sad laugh. “She said he was Santa Claus. You can imagine how telling people that made me a laughing stock. I don’t know why she said it. I think I was just sad one night and begged her to tell me who my daddy was and she told me that. Someone who doesn’t exist. It stopped any chance of my going to look for him. So…maybe I have a family somewhere. Not at the North Pole. But brothers and sisters. I’ll never know.”
Alfie wrapped his arms around him and hugged him.
When they went back outside at ten, most people had left. The few that remained were tidying up.
“You have good people working for you,” Alfie said.
“I do.” Kendall put down his briefcase and went over to help transfer the rubbish to the recycling bins.
“Great party!” Carlo said. “It was such a good idea doing it here and having pizza and beer.”
“And not much to clean up,” Davey said.
“Did everyone survive the ice rink?” Kendall asked.
Davey laughed. “There’ll be some bruised backsides, but no broken limbs. If we have it again next year, do you think we could have a Santa for the kids?”
“That’s a great idea.”
Davey beamed at him.
Once everyone had left and the gates were locked, Kendall collected his briefcase and led Alfie over to the Land Rover. He held his hand out for the keys.
“It’s okay. I can drive,” Alfie said.
“Er…no you can’t. All those beers?”
“The bottles weren’t mine. I only had one and half. I’m not over the limit. I told you that I’m an ugly drunk. I wasn’t going to let you see that. You’d be walking so fast in the opposite direction.”
“Are you telling me the truth?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll follow you.”
Kendall saw no problem with Alfie’s driving, but he was still relieved when they were parked up at the house.
“I’m just going to check on the reindeer,” Alfie told him.
“I’ll come too.”
The three deer were in the barn sleeping and Kendall rested his chin on Alfie’s shoulder as they looked at them.
“Is your main job being a photographer or taking care of reindeer?”
“The latter.”
“Is there anything you’d rather do?”
“I love them but there’s lots of things I want to do.”
They walked back to the house, hand in hand. “Such as?”
“I want to be free to do what I like.”
Kendall frowned as he unlocked the door. “I don’t understand. Why aren’t you?”
“That’s a question I can’t answer.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Can’t. Not yet.”
Kendall put on the light and turned off the alarm before he locked the door. Alfie took hold of his hand again. “Your bed.”
Kendall nodded.
8
Alfie felt he’d made progress, but Kendall’s mind wasn’t yet open enough to accept the truth. I’m deluding myself thinking it ever will be. It was just…too much for any sensible person to accept. And the terrible thing was, that even after coming all this way, causing no small amount of rumpus at home—Alfie didn’t even want to think about that—let alone messing up his own head, he was no longer sure that he wanted Kendall to know the truth. Only, where did that leave him?
“I’ll just go and have a wash and clean my teeth.” Alfie pulled free of Kendall’s hold and went into his room. He could have showered with Kendall but he needed to think. He heard Kendall’s shower start up and he stripped and stepped into his.
Why had he ever thought this was a good idea? Another of his hair-brained schemes that was going to end in disaster. No one knew where he was—yet. Or so he hoped. But that would change. If he told Kendall the truth, he’d think Alfie was insane. Perhaps I am. Alfie had lost sight of his plan. Had he ever had a plan? Shit!
He stepped out of the shower, towelled himself dry and pulled on some clean underwear. He knew what Mami would say. She’d give him one of her disappointed looks. Papi would be furious—was likely already furious because Alfie had disappeared again. He took the letter out of his bag, headed into Kendall’s room and climbed into his bed. He put the letter under the pillow. They’d have to drag him from Kendall’s arms. Kendall would know then, that he didn’t want to leave him. Except, would he ever know that? If Alfie disappeared, what would Kendall think? Someone else had walked out of his life? I don’t want to hurt him.
He could hear Papi’s voice in his head. You should have thought of that.
Kendall pulled up short when he emerged from the bathroom in sleep shorts and saw Alfie in his bed. Then he smiled. Such a big bright smile that Alfie thought his heart was going to break. He had to tell Kendall first. Tell him now.
“I need to talk to you,” Alfie said.
Well, that was a way to obliterate a smile.
Kendall climbed into bed and Alfie shuffled down so that they were lying face to face.
“When you were five years old you wrote a letter to Santa.” Alfie didn’t take his eyes off Kendall’s face. “The only letter you ever sent.”
Kendall’s beautiful face creased in confusion. “How do you know I was five?”
“You said so on your letter.”
Alfie put his hand under the pillow, pulled out the letter and handed it to Kendall. Alfie knew the contents off by heart.
Dear Santa
My name is Kendall Blackstone. I am 5. The 5 was written backwards. My mumy told me you are my dady. My mumy is in heven. No one luvs me. Pleez cum and get me. Pleez. Pleez. Luv Kendall. xxxxx
Kendall’s eyes widened. “Where did you get this? What’s this date stamp?”
“That’s the day it was received. All letters are stamped.”
“Received where?”
“Where the letters to Santa all go, except this one was either lost or taken and never made it to him. I think it was taken.”
Kendall sat up. “What are you talking about?”
Alfie sat up too. “Mouse had run off. I tracked him down to Jensen’s house. But the snow was heavy and I got soaked. Jensen invited me in for a hot chocolate and I sat in front of the fire. A brick moved and a letter fell out. Magic? Fate? I don’t know. I picked it up and I don’t know exactly why, but I hid it so Jensen couldn’t see what I’d done. This was the letter. Jensen had hidden it. Maybe he didn’t want to mess up your life even more than it—”
