ShameLess, page 20
I raise my hand, placing it over my heart, “’always here’. I thank you for him. I thank you for sharing your son with me. He is ‘Bello’, just like you.”
Never hearing Stefan approach, he takes me by surprise when he comes up behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Bello, eh? Someone has been doing her homework behind my back.” He gives the soft folds of my shoulder a gentle squeeze.
I rise up, facing him. “Pfft, nah. Who me?”
I start giggling, as he pulls me to him. Looking me directly in the eye, he leans close enough that the tips of our noses are touching, “Tu sei una stella...la mia stella.”
Then, he promptly drops to one knee. My heartbeats suddenly rise. I suck in a deep breath.
“You are a star...my star. Amerete me per sempre e sempre?” Stefan raises my hand, holding it to his lips, a single tear rolls from his eye as he restates, “Will you love me forever and always? Will you marry me, my Bella?
Flowing, happy tears release, as I nervously yank him upright. I’m speechless, and my hands are trembling. I open my mouth to speak but no words form, nor part from my lips.
I stagger past my nerves to finally respond, “Per sempre e sempre. Yes, YES! I will love you forever and always.”
At once, a single exquisite butterfly begins flittering around us, flapping its wings in the most picturesque way. It is stunning. Then and there, it lands atop Victoria’s headstone. It pauses briefly then flies away in the slightly waning beams of sunshine. Her blessing is upon us.
I whisper, “thank you” as we both watch it fly away.
4 Years Later
Everyone else is still asleep. It is six o’clock in the morning on a beautiful spring day. The sun is already awake, and shines its warmth upon me. I sit in this patio chair, sipping on my coffee, listening to the birds chirping, and realize my mind is my personal mirror into my past. I rejoice in each trial, each triumph. I fully accept how each one, great or small, has helped create a balance in my life over these past five years. I realize, who I am now is because of all that has happened. Actually, I would never be who I am today without enduring every single lesson. I am truly happy, and deserve to marry the love of my life, the keeper of my heart, and the protector of my soul.
Today is a day I have earned. I have overcome, am still overcoming some things, but I have survived. I still see my good doc. He is part of my personal journey, helping to bring me this far, even if I honestly do not want to fully admit that.
This day starts my very own fairy tale come true. It is a reflection of me, a reflection of Stefan. It is a proven example of who we are becoming, together.
Today is my wedding day! I marry my best friend, and vow our ‘forever and always’ before our family and friends.
It has been five years since that night on the beach where I celebrated turning twenty-one. Before that night, I had envisioned it would be a night of whooping fun, drinking until I was hung over a toilet and waking up the next morning not remembering much. I mean, is that not a typical ‘legal’ celebration? Of course, my twenty-first was anything symbolic of any stereotypes I ever witnessed with friends or heard about from others.
Mine marked the beginning of a promise. That night, forever left its footprints upon the grains of my heart, and became the night where my forever and always began with a pure blessing of a mother’s love.
“There you are? I’ve been looking for you. Today’s the big day! I couldn’t sleep I am so excited for you. But, it’s so freaking early. Ugh! You didn’t sleep, either, I bet.” Jade takes the seat next to mine.
“Hey! I knooww! Omigod, Jade, I am so…I don’t know, so many things. I am beyond happy. I feel so blessed. Mostly, I’m sitting here thinking back, reflecting. I still remember how Stefan proposed. I remember being so thrilled to share it with all of you later that night over dinner. And, I even celebrated, not only my engagement, but also my birthday with my favorite people. It was just the best night ever.”
I glance over at her and smile fresh recent memories still crystal clear. She takes a sip of her coffee, but remains silent. I take a sip of my own, saying, “So much has happened; so much has changed. Sometimes, after it all, I wonder if I even deserve all of this happiness, you know.” I allow the last few words to slowly grow faint as I glimpse past the glare of the hot sun to take in the ocean view. So many memories here, too.
The beach house is officially now ours, Stefan’s and mine. My parents legally signed the deed over to us as an early wedding present. Plus, dad is paying for our honeymoon to the Caribbean. Mom made Stefan stay at Kirk’s since she is a stickler for traditions. Since we decided to have our wedding on the beach, she refused him staying here last night. This memory makes me chuckle aloud because he was not very happy with her.
“Don’t you dare go there with me, S’renaty James – soon to be Mrs. Esposito. You deserve every single ounce of this happiness because of who you are, and especially because of what you have been through. Don’t you ever think or believe you do not deserve this. You and Stefan are perfect for each other.”
She takes another drink of her coffee, swallows it, and sits her mug down on the table, turning to face me more serious-like, “You even helped him mend his relationship with his father. In addition, he sees his sister, Cass, more because of you. You and Cass have even gotten close over these past several years. He is blessed to have you. Ren, you are one of the most honest, sincere and trusting people I know. I feel so lucky we were roommates in college. But, I am more blessed that because of that we became friends, and still are so to this day. Girl, you are like the sister I never had.”
She stands up and walks a few steps over to me, hugging me. I hug her back, thinking quickly in my mind about how Stefan and his dad repaired their relationship.
After our engagement, he took me to meet his dad. I was extremely nervous because of the stories I heard. Stefan kept telling me it was just a formality; his dad would not be overly showy with his excitement but would love me. He also tried to prepare me by telling me it did not matter to him whether his dad accepted us or not. He did make one valid point, “I am not marrying your family, and you are not marrying mine. We are marrying one another; so frankly, their opinion does not really matter. Yeah, it’d be nice to have their blessing, too. But, it will never change the way I feel about you.” I was instantly at ease after he said that, mostly because I knew in my heart it was true. So, that afternoon, we arrived there, and his dad was in his office. As we walked in, he never even looked up. It was like we didn’t exist. In that instance, it hit me that being ignored, feeling unimportant is a terrible emotion. My heart broke once again for this man I love that was made to feel this way by the one parent he had left on this earth.
Finally, Stefan just spit out that we were engaged and getting married. He wanted to introduce me. His dad glanced up, caught my sight, and took off his glasses sitting them on a stack of papers he had been working on. “Nice to meet you,” is all he said before looking at Stefan saying, “Married, eh?”
Stefan held his stance, glaring back at his father, “Yep. I am. You plan on coming, or not?”
“Wouldn’t miss it; you tell your sister?” A man clearly of few words was saying so much, yet so very little, his words spoken in the tear running down his cheek. I squeezed Stefan’s hand, whose own was tightening in mine. He cleared his throat, “Yep. That’s why I’m here. You know her, the little fixer. She made me swear I’d tell you, even though I told her you could give a damn.”
Stefan’s dad stood, paused, looked out his large floor to ceiling office window before walking over to where we were standing. He passed a quick empathetic glance in my direction, but upon turning his eyes back to his son, said, “I guess I deserve that, and I take it like a man. I’m sorry, son. Truly, I am. I may not have been the father you needed, or even deserved. I know I let you down many times. Hell, I even let your mom down. You are a man yourself now, and have finally found a woman who loves you. I can see it in the way she looks at you, looks at me, which tells me she would claw my eyes out to protect you. Your mother wished this woman into being for you. You are a very lucky man. I was too, back in the day. Your mom was the air I breathed. When I lost her, I lost myself. For that, I will never be able to tell you how truly sorry I am. Please, let me try again.”
I looked at Stefan’s father, giving him a ‘thank you’ expression. Then, I released Stefan’s hand and placed it upon the small of his back, urging him forward. He followed my lead, and stepped toward his dad, who upon seeing his son’s reaction, immediately yanked him into a tight hug. Both of these men, stood with open wounds in their hearts, but taking the first step in healing.
Remembering, I smile now since after that one day, we made it a point to stop over and visit often. We went out to dinner with his dad, and even introduced our parents together, who remarkably got along well. Many attempts have been made and Stefan has really made me proud by trying with his dad. His dad surprised me by keeping his word. Well, more like putting action behind them, and not just letting them fall empty. In fact, he sees Dr. Bradford, again, at our persistence. Things truly have changed.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right, Jade. What would I ever do without you here to set me straight?” I laugh, knowing there is so much truth spoken here.
Like the void still in my soul over not having Elle here on my wedding day, I know what ‘without you here’ means on every level. Thankfully, I do have Jade now, among just a few of the friends I have acquired during my new start.
All of them are here with me, today. I am blessed!
”Well, lucky for you, you won’t have to worry about that,” Jade replies as Debi, Cass, Alli, Ashley, and Kathy all step out onto the deck. I look at each of them with a warm smile in my heart.
“Worry about what?” They say in near unison. Jade and I shoot each other a quick look and burst out laughing.
“Oh, nothing. Ren just has the wedding day jitters. We need to get her mind busy so she doesn’t have time to think, is all,” she says, still laughing.
Debi says, “Oh, then, seems we should all start finishing what we started last night before all of those damn Jägerbombs caught up to us. Let’s go down to and finish setting up. Then, it’s time to start getting this bride ready for her groom.”
Standing behind the semi-closed vertical blinds in front of the French doors leading out onto the deck, I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. I am so lost in this moment that I can barely breathe.
My dad comes up beside me, as the girls and my mom are excitedly talking in the kitchen. All of their voices are garbled, and I am only able to make out the fact they are still discussing final details, “Don’t forget, you need to take her bouquet,” and, “Did someone remember to light the lanterns and candles,” and other similar things. I dismiss it all, not able to make the rest of what they are discussing out, anyway.
“Hey! There’s my princess. You ready for this?” My dad says.
I keep staring through the open slits in the blinds, watching as more people begin to arrive. I say nothing, only nod.
“You look breathtaking.”
I turn to face him, “Thanks daddy,” which is something I have not called him in many years. Emotions are running so high, and when I see the emotion fill his eyes, mine fill too.
“Stop. You’re going to ruin my make-up,” I tell him, pleadingly.
“Even without make-up, Ren, you are stunning. It’s beautiful out there, huh?” He says, referring to the scene we are both watching unfold through the blinds.
He is right. With the help of the girls, my mom and me, we really have pulled off the most exquisite beach themed wedding. Even now, as I look at it all, I am in awe of how truly remarkable it is. It is beyond anything in my dreams. I remember always wanting a beach wedding.
As kids, Elle and I went through countless magazines. I always cut out pictures that reminded me of the wedding I thought I wanted. Nothing then, compares to what I see now. Elle would be going nuts now seeing it in life, like me. A twinge strikes me, but I just release it, knowing in some way, she is with me. She is here, in my heart.
We chose to have the ceremony closer to the water’s edge. Rows of white chairs fill each side, angling in at a diagonal toward the aisle and alter. Each whitewashed chair has a deep turquoise satin piece of material taut around its back, tied in a hanging knot. Singularly adorning each is a dark purple and turquoise-blue Dendrobium orchid secured in the center of each knot. The aisle itself has matching orchid petals, mixed with coral rose petals lining its center. Perfect!
My eyes continue to scan my dream come to life. My dad’s idea to have a darkly stained wooden arbor with black wrought iron is picture perfect, especially since my mom and, her sister; my Aunt Melanie got a hold of it. They embellished it by draping coordinating flowing pieces of fabrics matching the whole color scheme. They brought the whole look together by securing the fabric to the iron using bunches of the same colored orchids, roses. They added lavender hibiscus to soften the look with Vinca vines dangling down each side of the front corners edges.
The true focal point of the arbor is a small round table, covered with white linen. In the middle of it sits a large glass vase of the same mix of flowers in alternating heights that have seashells at the bottom, hiding the flowers stems. Sitting in front of the vase is our large white unity candle, which has a piece of twine bound around its center, with starfish and smaller orchids hanging off it. On either side of our candle are the memorial candles for his mother, Victoria, and Elle. They are smaller, thinner versions of ours.
The absolute perfect addition to pull the entire scene together are the large black wrought iron and dark wood lanterns that have candles in each, sitting on the outside of each end row of chairs, lining the inside of the aisle. We also placed large glass candleholders sporadically throughout the exterior perimeter of the whole area, in a large heart shape. Off to the right a few hundred feet we created a similar heart using coordinating orchid and rose petals for getting pictures after the ceremony. Smaller glass candleholders outline the entire outside border of the petals making up the heart. Very picturesque!
I feel like I am in a dream!
“Take a deep breath,” mom says, walking over to hand me my very own final addition, my bouquet. It matches everything just right. I take it from her, in silent bliss, but am only able to vaguely smile from all of the emotions wanting to escape.
I do as she says, inhaling deeply, and exhaling slowly. “Thanks.”
“Here, this is from Stefan. He made me promise to give this to you beforehand.” She tugs my dad’s elbow, backing them both up a little behind me, giving me alone time. I stare at the envelope, and the square box wrapped in a delicate satin turquoise bow. A purple and turquoise orchid lies underneath. I take it out, and hand it to my mom. I open the envelope, taking the card out.
To my Star:
Today is the day I finally make you mine – forever & always.
We have come so far. Wear this and remember, today we share our vows – our promises to each
other - in one of our favorite places on earth; the beach. Also let this be a reminder, no matter
what, our star, ShameLess, is exactly how we will start our lives together. No more shame; only
love. Always my love, my Bella. You are the one who saved me from darkness, my endless Star.
I love you, Stefan
I fight back tears with no prevail as I open the box. Inside, glimmering at me in full beauty is a diamond starfish necklace. My hands begin to tremble, as a barely quiet whimper escapes.
My mom is by my side. “Ssh, here, let me,” She takes the box, removes the necklace, and clasps the necklace into place around my neck. “Beautiful, just as you are,” she says before kissing my cheek, and going to snap the girls into position with the start of the music.
“That’s our cue. Just know how proud we are of you, and you’ll always be my princess. You ready?” My dad declares with tears filling his eyes as he comes up beside me, slipping my arm through his own. He leans over kissing my forehead.
“I was born ready,” I concur, smiling up at him.
My mom is ushered out first. I’m still amazed with all of her beauty. She is dressed in a flowing off the shoulder ivory chiffon sundress. I hope I look as great at her age. She blows me a kiss, on her way out, as she pats the moisture from the corner of her eye. My own eyes want to fill seeing her emotional as I fight the quickened heartbeats reminding me the time is drawing nearer.
As the girls precede me, each in either turquoise or coral thigh length strapless dresses, and as I watch each of them exit through the doors, I know, no matter what, I really have overcome. These friends, like family, have been a rock of support for me. Stefan is becoming mine for life. I am becoming his wife.
Beyond words, I am stronger. I am truly living without shame. Today marks the start of accepting who we are together, and who we no longer are apart. I can’t wait to promise my love to this one man waiting on me. I can’t wait to become Mrs. Esposito; forever and always, no matter what!
It is my turn now, as my dad leads me out onto the deck. Standing on the top step, I pause, allowing all eyes to greet me. My dad pats my arm, and I smile up at him. Just then, my eyes lock with Stefan’s. He is grinning at me.
“It’s now or never,” I tell my dad, my heart beating in synchronization to the start of Canor in D.
Two exquisite butterflies land side by side on the deck railing right before I take my very first step down the aisle. They only stay a little while before flitting off, but it’s long enough that it catches the lump in my heart. Victoria! Elle!
Blessings often overflow, starting with the memories of our past. Learning to accept their lessons frees us from living within a traumatic nightmare. Rather, we do overcome, we grow, evolve, and live the dreams we have earned and deserve. Each day is truly a gift. And, like pap’s voice still reminds me, “There are no guarantees, so live like you are dying.” Overcome mistakes, learn to forgive, and live without shame, without regrets. Today is a true blessing. I believe everything has a time and a specific purpose, but accepting it provides the power of hope. I was meant to meet Stefan. I believe there is purpose in that.
