Winter's Lament, page 13
All that was left... was to ask.
* * * *
We planned to meet at 3PM, but I got there an hour early. I guess Faith was rubbing off on me, or part of me was just too excited not to get there first. I couldn’t wait to see Isa’s face through the trees.
It was November, but that didn’t stop the snow from falling. It came ever so slightly down, but it couldn’t stick to the ground; it was too hot for that. So, it just fell and fell and fell, until it finally hit something and melted away into a small puddle that almost immediately evaporated. Looking up, the sky was extremely cloudy, but it was still fairly light out, which meant the clouds themselves weren’t all that thick. Most likely wouldn’t have to worry about a snowstorm.
The trees gave way to a small patch of clear grass that people often used for picnics in summer, and the young couples of the school snuck out during classes to make out near the end of the school year when every student has had enough of waiting around all day to see their special other. Isa and I never used it for that purpose, but we had thought of it before.
Eventually, I saw Isa’s sharp, black hair contrasted against the pure, white snow coming at me from not far beyond the trees. It didn’t take long before I heard footsteps, and in no time at all, see her face. When she noticed me, she walked right up.
“Hey, Isa!” I said, excitedly. “I’ve been waiting for you!”
“Yeah, I can tell,” Isa said. “It’s pretty unusual for you to come early to stuff, though. You must be excited about something.”
“Oh, yeah! I’m really excited about something. But didn’t you have something you wanted to talk about?”
“I’d rather you talk about what you wanted to talk about, first.”
“Sure, I can do that! So... you know we’ve been dating for a while. Almost a year, in fact! Time really flies by, huh? Anyway, I was thinking about how special you are to me – like, you’ve helped me get through my darkest times. I don’t know where I’d be without you. I would’ve gotten lost for sure, or, hell, even worse! I could be dead by now! That storm wasn’t exactly forgiving, thinking about it now-”
“Hang on,” Isa interrupted. “Stop there. That’s... that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“The storm...? Ah, I guess you should know now, but hold on-”
“Not... the storm. I already figured out what that was about. And it made me realize something.”
I could feel the smile fade from my face. Something was wrong. A chill rushed up my spine, something terrible was about to happen. I did what any person would do; I chuckled. “Wh-what are you saying, Isa?”
“Josh...” she went silent for a minute. “How... integral am I to your own health?”
“...What kind of question is that?”
“Just answer it. Please.”
“Well, pretty integral, I guess. I can’t imagine myself living without you.”
“Yeah... I figured.”
“Why?”
“Josh, I... Fuck, how do I say this? Um... I can’t be with someone who can’t live without me, you know? It’s just too much of a burden for me, I can’t really be someone’s only reason to live. And that person shouldn’t have to have someone who they live for alone, as well.”
“Wait... Isa, you’re not saying-”
“Josh...”
“...No. Tell me I’m overthinking this.”
“I...” she looked away. “You’re not.”
“No, I am. I-I totally am.”
She looked at me, and I could see the serious look in her eyes. “I don’t think you and I should be together. Not in your current state.”
And with those words, it felt like a crack through the Earth had formed beneath me. It didn’t feel real. It was like a shock was sent right through my body. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything. I just stood there in absolute disbelief. What Isa had said still didn’t fully process in my brain. Finally, I managed to mutter a word. “Isa...”
“I’m... I’m sorry. I just... I can’t date someone who needs someone else to live for when I have my own issues I need to face.”
That’s when I realized something; Isa wasn’t perfect. This person who had lived for for nearly the past year wasn’t some perfect human being, she had her own issues, too. She’s probably had them for months, years, and I’ve never noticed. I was just too busy focusing on her presence alone, on her being there. How many things had I missed?
“You can, um...” Isa continued. “You can talk about what you wanted to talk about now.”
“...Huh?” I asked, I still wasn’t fully sure what was going on. “Oh... it’s nothing. Just forget about it, it was stupid.”
“If you say so. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine... I’m fine.”
“I’m sorry. Again.”
“It’s fine. Not like it’s your fault,” then I silently said to myself, “it’s mine. It’s my fault.”
“Could you repeat that?” Isa asked. “I couldn’t hear you.”
“Just talking to myself. Nothing you need to worry about... I... I gotta go.” I ran past Isa into the exit of the forest. And I just kept running. I didn’t stop running.
My breaths felt short. It felt like I was choking on something, but what? That’s when I realized; tears. It was tears. I was choking on tears. I was near the exit of the forest, but I decided to run deeper into it. I looked around a bit, and when I confirmed that nobody was around, I cried.
I kept crying. I don’t know how long for. Was this normal? Dad didn’t cry this much when Mom dumped him the first time. He didn’t cry at all. He just tried again. But that wouldn’t work here. I did something wrong. I didn’t pay attention to Isa like I was supposed to. I couldn’t take that back. If I had just noticed sooner...
And then I realized; it didn’t matter. Isa wasn’t dumping me because I wasn’t paying attention to her; she was dumping me because I couldn’t live being without her. She didn’t want me attached to her like that. She wants someone who will love her but won’t live for her. Can love like that exist? I wouldn’t know. Isa wasn’t my first love, but she was the best.
I felt dizzy. I felt sick. There was something wrong with me. I shouldn’t be getting this fucked up over someone breaking up with me. That’s not normal. I’m not normal. No, fuck that, I know that. I’m not normal. But this isn’t normal, it’s not good.
I just wanted to turn my thoughts off.
A Dragol doesn’t cry.
And there I was, standing in the middle of a forest, bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t even be a Dragol.
Chapter 17
Winter Storm
I was sitting in Jack’s living room, just unsure of what to do with myself. Jack himself wasn’t home; he had some errands to run. There was some news program playing on the TV, but I wasn’t paying attention to it. It was just there, playing as background noise. I had a bunch of thoughts running through my head at the time, but at the same time, I had completely shut everything out and cleared my thoughts. I didn’t want to be alone with them.
Things hadn’t been the same since Isa broke up with me. And yet, things had never been so familiar. It was another New Year’s Eve, and the new year was right around the corner. A chance for everyone to start over and make something new of their lives. But it didn’t mean that to me. To me, it was just a reminder.
If I had to say my story started anywhere, it started in December. But the new year was where everything in my story came together. And ironically, the new year would also be where everything fell apart. It’d be hard to look at me and not feel sorry. I didn’t have any family I could turn to, my girlfriend had just broken up with me, and I had just learned that I’ve been dealing with a disability my entire life without ever knowing. And yet, instead of trying to make things better, to make it all make sense, there I was, drinking my umpteenth beer on my friend’s couch.
I didn’t usually drink, but that was a special occasion. If media had taught me anything, it’s that drinking too much was bad, but also that drinking could make you forget everything. That’s what I was aiming for, to forget everything. I didn’t care if I hurt myself in the process, I probably deserved it. So there I was, letting everything snowball into a bigger and bigger mess while blissfully ignoring it with the stench of fruity alcohol.
As I looked at the TV, I saw the local weatherman waving his stick around a map with a giant cyan and purple cyclone swirling over the village. Looking outside, snow was falling. There was a storm coming. I could only hope Jack would make it back home soon, I’d hate to see him get caught in one of those.
A winter storm.
What was I doing out in that storm?
I mean, I knew what I was doing, but what was I thinking? If I never went out there, I would’ve never met Isa. Or maybe I would have. We went to the same school, but we didn’t share any of the same classes. What would be the chances? Maybe I’m just looking for something to blame. I didn’t want to take responsibility for my mistake.
What are you thinking, Josh? I thought to myself. But I knew what I was thinking. Because before I even realized it, I opened the front door and walked out into a light snowfall. It would only get worse, that much I knew. You’re an idiot, you know that?
I know, me, I know.
* * * * *
Maybe it was just me, or maybe it was something in the air. All I know is I found myself walking through the snow on one of the coldest days of the year. I rubbed my hands together as much as I could, even blew into them. I should’ve known that wasn’t going to help much. It’s never helped, not even in the movies. It was quiet outside, since everyone was in their houses, with their heat on most likely. I, of course, was outside, wandering aimlessly. I took in the white scenery all around me. Snow here, snow there. Snow was everywhere. All I could hear was the crunch of the snow beneath my boots and the whistling wind that danced through the trees as it flew by.
I laughed to myself. “Oh, talk about deja vu.”
I had done this already. I already went out into a winter storm knowing fully well what I was getting myself into, with the worst intention possible. An intention that most people would scoff at and say there’s something wrong with me before throwing me into the psych ward, like that would help. People like that didn’t care, they just pretended to.
I knew this time would be different, though. There wouldn’t be an Isa to save me. Someone to take my hand, to tell me to stop. That what I was doing was wrong, without even meaning to tell me that. There’d be nobody like that out tonight. It was New Year’s Eve, and everybody wanted to be with their families. Who in their right mind would be outside right now, especially with the storm that would blind you immediately?
“Haah... haah...” I was breathing out of my mouth now, which probably wasn’t the smartest idea. But I couldn’t breathe out of my nose anymore, I was losing too much. The air was too thick, it felt like I was inhaling icicles with every breath I took. I could breathe, and my body was forcing me to, but I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could’ve just stopped. That was my intention in the first place, wasn’t it?
I shook my head. I didn’t have time to think about those types of things. I didn’t know where I was, but it felt familiar in a way. I tried looking around to gather my surroundings, but all I could see was snow and the occassional tree overarching the snow.
It felt nice, in a way. Refreshing. To see that there was still life in this horrible storm. The evergreens could survive anything, all year round. They always refused to give up until their final moments. I wasn’t an evergreen. I was the average tree you’d see on the side of the road. I gave up easily. I’d lose my leaves, and immediately give up until I was given sunshine again. Then the cycle would repeat again. And again, and again, and again. But the cycle had to stop at some point. There had to be a moment where the leaves fell off forever. Whether it be human intervention, or the changing of the tides, a tree couldn’t last forever.
It’s all Winter’s fault. Winter was selfish and forced itself into the world, destroying everything in its path. You couldn’t stop it, you could only prepare for it. To brace for the impact the harshness Winter would bring. Winter did not care who or what it had to kill in the process, it killed without reason, it destroyed lands without a second thought.
And then I thought; was that really Winter’s fault? Winter can’t change its existence; it can’t change the fact that it destroys everything it comes across. So, it left behind snow, a beautiful gift that in large portions could level an entire civilization but left behind something absolutely breathtaking when it finally gave up a storm.
That’s what snow was; snow was Winter’s lament. It was Winter’s gift to nature; it was an apology. It couldn’t help what it had done, it couldn’t help that all it could do was hurt. Was the snow worth it, though? That didn’t matter, it wasn’t my decision to make. The only thing that mattered was whether or not nature would accept the gift. And it was very clear that nature did accept the gift again and again. Nature did not care that Winter gave way to destruction. Nature could forgive.
So, what was my lament? Did I even have anything to lament? Should have I apologized for breaking the vase? Should I have apologized for letting my parents’ abuse fuck up my mental state so badly that nobody could save me? Should I have apologized for not paying enough attention to Isa’s problems? I wasn’t apologizing for what I was doing right now, even though I probably should’ve. I was leaving Jack and Faith behind, the two people in my life who cared about me and believed in me. But did I deserve forgiveness? Was that even my decision to make? Or was that the decision of the people I hurt?
Maybe I could apologize. They wouldn’t hear my apology, but I could still apologize. I opened my mouth to yell that I was sorry, but all that came out of my mouth was gibberish. I tried again, and all that was left was more gibberish. I suddenly realized that I couldn’t speak. Why couldn’t I speak? Was nature playing some cruel joke on me? I didn’t deserve that, though, I wanted to apologize, I was trying to make things better. But I couldn’t speak, no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, even gibberish wouldn’t come out. I was stuck in the middle of a snowstorm without a voice.
I tried running faster, but I couldn’t. I could only walk, and even that, I was failing at. I was starting to lose my balance, and constantly felt like I was going to topple over onto the snow. I had to keep my balance, no matter what. I knew that if I fell into the snow, that would be it for me. Everything would be over. I couldn’t let that happen.
My shivering had stopped, then it began again, and it kept repeating over and over. My throat was starting to hurt, it felt like there was a sharp needle piercing my throat, constantly pushing in further and further. I couldn’t breathe. Not like before. Could I breathe? I couldn’t even tell. I could feel every muscle in my body tensing up one by one.
“-Hello? Anyone there?” I heard a voice behind me, a female voice. It seemed familiar, but I couldn’t recognize it at the time. I couldn’t think at all. I wanted to scream out to them, to beg them for help. All I could do was turn and run towards them, which was an immediate mistake, because as soon as I turned, I fell into the snow.
Everything was getting darker, yet brighter at the same time. I couldn’t move any part of my body; I was completely paralyzed in the snow. I was breathing less now, but every breath hurt more and more. There was nothing I could do in this situation, all I could do was attempt to move, attempt to scream, all with no success. Every single thing I attempted to do proved useless. Nothing came out of it.
Is... is this where... I die? I could feel myself losing consciousness more and more by the second. No... no! No, I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die here! Somebody, save me, please! Regret. That’s all I felt in that situation. Is this what people felt like in their final moments? In that moment they jump off the bridge? The moment they kick the chair away? The few final moments they have when they put a bullet through themselves? Is this what that felt like? It was scary. So scary. I didn’t want this, not anymore. I wanted to go back, I wanted to see Jack again, I wanted to see Faith again, I even wanted to see Isa again. I wanted to tell her I was sorry, I didn’t even want to get back with her, I just wanted to tell her I was sorry. I didn’t want to leave that behind me, I didn’t want to leave this world with regrets.
Please... don’t let me die... I’m so sorry... My vision was getting darker and darker, and my breathing more erratic. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry... I’m so sorry, Jack... I’m so sorry, Faith... I let you down. I took everything you gave me, and I threw it away. I’m so selfish. But I don’t want it anymore. I want to see you both, I want to spend time with you, I don’t want this. I don’t want this. I don’t. Want. This. I wasn’t in control of my breathing at all anymore. The last bit of control I had over myself was taken away from me.
I gave up trying at that point. Nobody was going to save me. My vision was getting darker now, but I could see a light. Was this the afterlife? No, it was moving... But what kind of light moves? It couldn’t stay still at all, but it still cut through the snowfall. Was there hope after all?
Please, if anyone’s there, save me...
One final sound came from me.
“Haah...” One final breath.
Then everything went black.
Chapter 18
Another New Year
“Ah!” I screamed when I awoke, immediately sitting up. My vision was still blurry, but my sense of touch was working just fine. I felt around my body. “I’m... not... dead...” Oh my god. “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!” I tried getting off the couch I was put on, but I just fell over onto the ground.
