Tastes Like Watermelon Moonshine, page 6
Still glaring, Austin stands up slowly, then offers me his hand. I pull my boots back on and take his hand. I smooth out my skirt and grab his hand. Off to the haunted hayride we go.
Time flies when you’re having fun… It’s true. I think it might also fly when you’re falling in love. I can’t say for sure that I’m falling in love. But there’s sure a lot of like happening right now.
We walk slowly to Jaimie’s parked truck. Our fingers are intertwined and it feels amazing. Even though I’m worn out, I don’t want this night to end.
“I had a good time tonight.”
Austin grabs my other hand, and turns me to face him. “This will be my favorite Halloween, ever.” His voice is low and husky. We’re bathed only in the glow of moonlight and a few headlights.
Chrissy and Jaimie are in the truck, waiting for us. And we’re just standing here, staring into each other's eyes. I can’t believe I’m turning into one of those weird sappy girls, always mooning over her boyfriend. Except he isn’t my boyfriend, not yet. But we’ve finally crossed the friendship bridge, and said out loud that we like each other.
Austin grabs the door handle and pops the door open for me. “‘Night, Rae. See ya tomorrow.” He presses a kiss to his fingers, then gently brushes his fingers over my lips.
My lips slowly part, and my jaw drops. Then, he just turns and walks away, a cocky grin curving his lips.
I turn, mouth still hanging open, and climb into the truck. Chrissy and Jaimie muffle their giggles with their hands.
“He pretty much just kissed you!” Chrissy’s eyes are dancing.
“I can’t believe that I almost had my first kiss in front of y’all.” I manage to gasp out. I float on a cloud as Jaimie drives us home.
Chapter 7
Raegan - The Present
“I still can’t believe you’re having a baby.” Chrissy’s blue eyes are wider than I’ve ever seen as she sits between me and Jaimie at my twenty week ultrasound appointment.
I poke my baby bump, waiting for the day that my hand gets poked back. It’s quite obvious now that I’m pregnant. I’ve been tempted to hide it, to turn into a baggy sweatshirt recluse, but Mom has challenged me to be brave. To not hide. I expected more censure from people. I’ve gotten the overly sweet smiles, the whispers, the pity looks. Most of it is behind my back. No one has said anything to my face. Chrissy’s mom asked about having a shower for me. So, of course I started crying. I don’t feel like I deserve it. My child was conceived in sin. I made a mistake. But a baby is a baby, and all babies are loved, and should be celebrated. I can’t punish this baby for something they didn’t do.
Through the grapevine I’ve heard that Austin will be spending Thanksgiving with his dad. I wonder how that will be for him. He was still so mad at his dad when he was drafted, even after they hashed a few things out at graduation.
A part of me wishes that he would come to Clear Creek for Thanksgiving instead… But am I ready to face him? I need to ask for his forgiveness. What if we talk, and he decides he doesn’t want a future with me? I don’t know that I want closure, even if it’s over. I’d rather live in my daydreams, believing that someday he’ll come back and we’ll live happily ever after, having more babies and running our own ranch.
Of course, I may not like giving birth. Or breastfeeding. I’ve always assumed that I would like motherhood. As a little girl that was my dream. Being a mom; lots of cooking, baking, reading, horseback riding, and lots of babies. Everything that my mom is, that she does. But my future now… Does God have something else in store? I can only hope that He has something planned, something good out of this hurt.
Baby Bean does a little flip and I can’t help but grin. The swishes have been growing stronger as I’ve been growing rounder. To be truthful I do love the look. Sometimes it’s like I shoved a tiny basketball under my shirt.
I love Baby Bean so much. I think my love for Baby Bean might just be greater than the pain I feel from the shame and the guilt. Jaimie and Chrissy giggled when I told them that I was going to call it Baby Bean until I knew its gender.
Right now they’re picking out paint colors for the baby’s room as we wait. I’m so thankful for their support. They were there while I was dating. They even did their best to help me be accountable and not cross the boundaries that Austin and I had set up. And somehow, they aren’t judging me. Instead they’re standing with me, supporting me.
Jaimie has a page of color swatches open on her phone, “Oooh, this one, ‘girl talk.’ Totally the color for a little girl’s room.”
“What if she isn’t a girly-girl… Like you?” Chrissy pokes a finger into Jaimie’s upper arm. “Maybe she wants–” she grabs Jaimie’s phone and scrolls, “‘winter shamrock’ instead.” She raises her brows with her signature dramatic flair. There’s a reason she’s a drama major at Baylor. “Ugh, now I want a shamrock shake.” She makes a pouty lip. “Oooh, maybe Freddy’s has some green mint ice cream and can make me a shake!” She grabs my arm. “Can we celebrate Baby Bean's gender reveal? With shakes afterwards, pretty pretty please?”
“Y’all, we don’t even know if Baby Bean is a girl or a boy yet.” I say with a giggle. “And if y’all keep fighting, the tech might kick you out of the room, and…” I put on my best stern mom face, but I can’t keep from smiling, “I’ll make you wait until Baby Bean is born to find out the gender.”
“You wouldn’t dare!” Chrissy flings a hand to her forehead, her eyes going wide, before wilting back in her chair. She doesn’t need to be a drama major. It oozes from her pores!
“Okay, fine, I wouldn’t make you wait that long…” Thoughtfully, I tap a finger against my chin. “Maybe just until Christmas.” At first I’d thought of doing a party of some sort to announce Baby Bean’s gender, but it didn’t feel fair to have a party when Austin wasn’t there. And especially when he didn't even know. What if he doesn’t want to be a father? What if he doesn’t believe the baby is his? I push away the intrusive thoughts. I’ve got to focus on the here and now.
Jaimie turns off her phone’s display. “I guess we should save the paint shopping until after we know what Baby Bean is. Do we need to do a video of you finding out?” She waves her phone in the air. “I have no clue how ultrasounds work.”
I shake my head. “Nope, they’ll print out the pictures, just like my first ultrasound, and they can even send it all in an email as well.”
“I love that we get to see inside your belly,” Chrissy says with a giggle. “So… Have you thought anymore about telling Austin?” She watches me, compassion and maybe even some sadness swimming in her eyes; waiting for my answer.
“Well, I mean… I’ve thought about it plenty.” I bite my lip and stare at my fingernails “I just don’t, like, know when to tell him, or if, or like, what I would even say.” I hate when people pepper the word like into the dialogue too much, but in my nervousness it’s coming out way too often.
The tech thankfully chooses now to show up, and saves me from having to discuss telling Austin anymore. She introduces herself and explains what all she'll look for and asks if there were any special instructions when it comes to finding out the gender.
Chrissy and Jaimie look at me, Chrissy with her puppy dog eyes and Jaimie with a smirk. I would love to just find out now, but…
“Could you put it in an envelope? And we’ll find out later?” I finally say. Chrissy gives me a poochie lip while Jaimie shrugs and rolls her eyes at Chrissy’s dramatics. My mom has been my biggest supporter, so I really want her there when I find out if Baby Bean is a boy or a girl.
The tech walks through every measurement and every little feature on Baby Bean. If it’s possible, my heart seems to grow every time I see Baby Bean wiggle around. I can’t believe how wiggly he, or maybe she, is. Baby Bean is moving so much that the tech struggles to get the measurements at times.
Every finger and toe has been counted now. And I’m holding the envelope with the gender in my hand as I wait to see my midwife.
“Just a quick, tiny peek?” Chrissy says in a squeaky voice as she pinches her thumb and index finger together.
I shake my head and laugh. “Nope. You can find out tonight. At dinner.” I pull my phone from my bag. “I’m going to text my mom and have her make a cake, and we’ll open the envelope while we eat the cake.”
Before I hit send I realize maybe we should pick out a flavor. And as much as I’d love to make the cake myself and play around with a new flavor, because of the drive home I won’t have enough time to make it, let it cool, and ice it before dinner. “Oh, what kind of cake do you want?”
“Strawberry!”
“No, blueberry.”
“Ooh, chocolate?”
“Definitely not vanilla, too boring and plain.”
These girls should make their own debate team. They list off the most outlandish flavors before I put my hands up and shush them.
“I’m going to pick. Stop fighting!” I text my mom my favorite flavor, covering my phone with my hands before shutting off the screen so that they can’t peek.
The door squeals on its hinges as my midwife, Jenn, sticks her head in before she slips all the way inside. “Raegan! Good to see you again. Did y’all find out baby’s gender or are you waiting?”
“We’re waiting. We’ll find out tonight with my parents.”
“Sounds like a fun time.” Jenn situates herself on the little rolling chair. “So, everything looks amazing on the ultrasound. Baby is growing perfectly.” She smiles and makes the hands that chefs make when they have a perfect recipe. Like when they do the okay sign but with both hands. Because it’s more than okay, it’s perfection. “So, did you decide if you’ll be delivering at the hospital or at home?”
“Since the hospital is so far away, the plan is for Baby Bean to be born at home.” I feel so confident with my choice. I’ve even started watching some home birth videos. I don’t feel quite as squeamish about it as I had initially.
“Yes!” Jenn pats my arm. “I love homebirths.” She smiles dreamily. “I’ll be sending you home with a list of things to order that you’ll need to have before thirty-six weeks.”
I nod in understanding, avoiding Chrissy’s wide eyed stare. I knew between her and Jaimie that she would be more shocked over the home birth than Jaimie would. Jaimie has been delivering animals on her ranch for years, just like I have on mine. But Chrissy grew up in town and never showed an interest in, or got excited about, an animal birth like Jaimie and I have.
“You’re really going to have a baby at home? Not in a hospital?” Chrissy’s voice rises in pitch. “Who even are you? This isn’t Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.”
We all laugh at Chrissy’s comment. “No, but women have given birth at home, sometimes even on their own, for years. If they can, I can too.” I raise my shoulders then drop them, showing her that it’s not something that I’m opening to changing. “Mom and I talked it over. And we’re both cool with it. She’ll be my support person.”
“Well, you let me know once Baby Bean has been born.” She shivers. “I’m not doing any of the birth stuff. And I’ll come support you once you and baby are clothed.” Chrissy leans forward as she speaks. “I’ll bring you food and drinks, and hold the baby while you sleep.” She winks and gives me a thumbs up. I just laugh and roll my eyes.
Dishes clank as I stack, then carry them to the kitchen sink. The aroma of dinner still hangs in the air. Steak, baked potatoes, and Parmesan garlic green beans, my favorite dinner.
Before we get to find out Baby Beans gender, and eat cake, we’re going to play a game. It’s a tradition in this house. On special occasions before we can eat dessert, we play a game.
We settle on Ticket to Ride as the game for the evening. Tears prick my eyes as the game brings back memories from last year… Playing this specific game with Austin. I wish he could be here. I wish… No, I hope for so many things. I hope that I work up the courage to tell him that he’s a dad. I hope that he wants to be a dad. Tears threaten, but I’m saving them for later. I’m pretty sure my pillow has come to expect a healthy dose of tears every night. I don’t have time for those memories right now, so I push them away, I can think about them when I’m in bed. When I have the time, and the privacy, to let the tears fall.
Mom brings the cake to the table, and hands me the knife. I blow out a deep breath and gently slide the knife through the German Chocolate Cake. I make German Chocolate Cake all the time at the café, but for some reason, it always tastes better when Mom makes it.
I hand out all the slices of cake and sit back down in my seat. My hands are sweaty as I hand the envelope over to Mom.
“Should we have a drumroll?” Mom asks, her eyes sparkling. Robert and Riley are the first to start thumping their palms on the table. Jaimie joins them, then Chrissy, then Dad, and finally me.
Mom slowly runs her finger under the seam of the envelope, her brows raised, her eyes wide. She pulls out a piece of paper. She glances down at it, grins, then moves her eyes around the room. “Baby Bean,” she pauses, the anticipation thickening the air in the room. My fingers clench around my necklace. “Is a girl!” She lifts her arms and dances in her seat.
Chrissy grabs me in a bear hug, rocking me back and forth. I’m a little worried she might make me fall out of my chair. Jaimie raises her fists in the air. “Yaaaasssss!”
Oh, Baby Bean. You’re so loved. I couldn’t ask for a better family. For better friends. I don’t deserve their support. Tears bubble up, and I can’t stop them. I should be married. I should’ve done things in the right order. But I can’t, no I won’t wish Baby Bean away. I love her. I can’t wait to be her mama, but oh, how I wish I’d done things God’s way.
I wave goodbye to Chrissy and Jaimie as they leave. The November air feels good on my skin as I stand in the open front doorway. There’s mistletoe already hanging above me. It’s tradition to put it up at the beginning of November. I stare at it, and my skin begins to tingle as memories of Austin and mistletoe try to push themselves to the front of my mind. But my heart hurts. Because those memories are all I have of Austin. Well, I’ve got Baby Bean now too. But he’s not here, and I wish he was. I wish he still wanted me more than baseball.
Chapter 8
Austin - The Present
My duffle bag feels like a two hundred pound weight on my shoulder. It’s more the fact that I’m standing on my dad’s front porch about to ring his doorbell. Also, probably because I nearly drove past the house that I grew up in. The house that once contained all happy memories… Until Dad ruined them.
Last time I saw Dad was at my graduation. We fought and then sort of hashed things out, but I honestly haven’t wanted to see him since I moved back. Coach talked with me a lot about what forgiveness is and what it looks like. And I’d like to think that I have forgiven my dad. But now that I’m standing here, waiting for him to answer the door… I’m not sure if I really have.
When Mom and Dad were married we all lived in a massive house in Tuxedo Park. Anyone with money lived in that area. This house is definitely smaller, but Dad still makes a ton of money, so he’s in Chastain Park, not too far from our old home. As I pulled onto some familiar roads I was tempted to check on the old house. To see the green lawn where I caught my first baseball, the childhood bedroom where I hung baseball posters, the pool I learned to swim in… But I ignored the pull. There’s too much hurt already, I don’t want to make my wounds deeper.
I almost refused to come out here and visit Dad. The thought of Thanksgiving alone wasn’t appealing, and I honestly don’t want to go back to Clear Creek and run into Raegan. I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t want her mad at me. Even though that moment, that twist of fate, was a mutual choice, I wonder if I pushed her into it. Like I was a bad influence on her. We both could’ve said no, could’ve stopped. But neither of us chose to stop. And then after… I didn’t know what to say. So, I just let her go.
After staring at the doorbell for several minutes, I finally reach out and press the button. I close my eyes and rock back on my heels as I wait. I’m expecting Virginia to answer.
The bolt scrapes in the lock and I open my eyes. I just stare at my dad as he swings the door open. “Hey, Dad.” The entryway behind him is open and modern, and appears to either have recently been built or updated. “Wow, this place is-” So white. Almost blindingly so. I’m not a fan.
“Come on in.” His cheek muscles twitch like he wants to smile, but isn’t sure if he should. His face is more lined than before, like he’s aged ten or more years since I saw him at graduation. His large presence and grand stature are gone. He seems almost timid, and shorter. “I got a guest room set up for you.” He waves a hand, directing me to enter the house and then toward a long hallway. “Uh, you’ve got a TV and everything in there. Feel free to invite any friends or teammates over if you want to.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I swallow awkwardly. The walls are bare, and boring. It’s a house, but not a home. “I assumed Virginia would be the one greeting me,” I say, trying to think up something to break the silence.
Dad looks down at the floor as he stuffs his hands in his pockets and his eyes get misty as they lose their focus. “Uh, we’re not together anymore.”
My eyebrows have got to be up on the ceiling. “What–” I clear my throat, choking on my words. “What happened?” I finally ask.
Dad rubs a hand over the scruff on his face, something he’s never sported in the past. “How about you get settled, and we can sit down and talk that over in a little bit.”
“Yeah, sure. Lead the way.” I follow Dad down the long sunlit hallway. He directs me through an open doorway into a white room. “You’ve got a bathroom through the second door on the left. Towels and everything you need are in the cabinet.” He motions around the room as he speaks.
