This Is How You Fall In Love, page 19
On her screen is a ThermaeSecrets post. My stomach drops as I take it in: Yahya and I in the park, just as our lips locked, our hands tangled up in one another’s hair, the passion of the moment captured so perfectly there’s no way to talk myself out of the lie.
‘When was this uploaded?’ My voice breaks as I ask the question.
‘Like, twelve hours ago,’ Sadie says.
Shit. Twelve hours is a long time. Long enough for pretty much everyone to have seen it! Oh God, what if Adnan’s seen it?
And it’s only then that I notice the post isn’t just a single image, but a carousel. I swipe to the left and another photo appears. This one is of Adnan, who longingly looks at a girl with ash-blonde hair. It’s hard to see that it’s Cami because she’s not facing the camera, but there’s no doubt in my mind that Sadie’s figured out exactly who it is.
Fuck.
‘Why?’ Sadie finally asks.
I shake my head. ‘I can’t explain it.’
‘Well, you’re going to have to. Because people are going to want to know what the hell is going on. And to be frank, I’m in that category.’
‘God, can people just stop caring about my stupid relationship?’ I burst out, unable to contain my anger with all the pounding in my head. Where is Adnan? I need to find him before sixth form starts. ‘If everyone would just stop being so interfering, then none of this would have even happened. For God’s sake, Sadie, you don’t see me interfering in your life like you do mine!’
Sadie recoils. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means, while you’re so busy butting into my business, you’re too cowardly to delve into your own!’ I’m conscious that other students are starting to arrive and are looking at us, but even so I can’t stop. ‘I mean, how long are you just going to ignore the fact that Joe has actual feelings for you? Or that you have feelings for him? Because everyone else can see it, but you two are too scared to do anything about it!’
Sadie crosses her arms, her legs spread wide in immovable resolve. With a voice colder than the chill air, she says, ‘It’s none of your business.’
‘Exactly, it’s none of my business. And my relationship is none of yours.’ I let out a heavy breath and dash away before she can respond.
‘Zara!’ Sadie calls from behind me, but I ignore her, my heart beating too fast in my chest. I don’t have time to argue with Sadie when Adnan could be intercepted by anyone at any moment who could tell him about the photo. If he hasn’t seen it himself, that is. Which, admittedly, seems unlikely. We’re not actually in a relationship, but this is not how I wanted him to find out about Yahya or how I wanted our so-called relationship to implode. I check my phone to track his location and find that he’s already somewhere within the sixth form. I scour the halls looking for him but find him nowhere. I call him in an attempt to pinpoint his exact location.
‘I need to talk to you, now,’ I hiss down the phone, avoiding the stares around me. ‘Where are you?’
‘Meet me outside the refectory,’ he says simply before hanging up.
I speed my way through the hallway, keeping my head down, my eyes firmly on the tiles beneath my feet. When I get to the refectory, Adnan is pacing.
‘Where’s Cami?’ I ask, because if we’re going to save this situation, we’re going to need as much brainpower as possible.
‘We broke up. The picture –’
Adnan shakes his head and it’s only now that I really see him: for what must be the first time in his life, he looks a mess. His hair is dishevelled, his tie is loosened and his cuticles are inflamed from where he’s been picking at them.
‘It’s over,’ he croaks out, his voice hoarse with devastation. Adnan shakes his head, all the while biting his lower lip. ‘She didn’t want to risk it any further. The ruse is up anyways with the picture of you and that guy, so it would only be a matter of time before someone put the pieces together.’
Is he trying to blame me right now? No, he couldn’t be. He would never.
‘I’m sorry that you guys broke up,’ I say, because I am. I would never have kissed Yahya if I knew it would lead to this. I feel too much loyalty towards Adnan for that. But when I signed up for this, I did not agree to having my intimate moment aired to the public. ‘But we need to strategise about how to move forward.’
‘What do you want me to do, Zara?’ Adnan’s body looks like it’s wilting with pain.
‘I want you to tell everyone the truth.’ I feel the pitch of my voice rise again even though I’m doing my best to keep myself calm.
‘Why?’
‘Why?’ I repeat, startled by the fact that he’s even asked the question. ‘Because I don’t want people to think that I’ve done anything wrong!’
I refrain from adding the words, Especially now that everything’s gone to shit and my life is crumbling right in front of my eyes. I was wrong about Yahya and his motives, but I was not wrong for kissing him in the first place.
‘What about Cami?’
‘What about her? You said it yourself: the ruse is up; you guys are finished.’ I know I’m being unfair, but I’m so mad I can’t think straight. Throughout this entire thing, I’ve been the sacrificial lamb, giving up everything just for him and Cami to have a shot at a happily ever after.
Adnan doesn’t meet my gaze. Instead, he looks at the floor like it holds the answers to all his problems. But what is there to think about? His relationship with Cami is over and that’s all that matters to him.
‘Adnan?’
‘Ki?’ he answers in Bengali, something he only does when he feels at a loss for words. ‘Ki korbo?’
‘Tell everybody the truth.’
His face changes, his jaw transforming into a sharp, tight line so quickly that it makes my heart drum faster. He sucks in a deep breath as if trying to reason with himself and for a second I think he’s going to place our friendship first.
But when he meets my eyes, I know it’s a lost battle.
I stand tall, willing myself to be strong, and turn on my heel, marching my way out of sixth form just as the first bell rings.
UNREAD
GROUP
Monday 16:49
CAMI has left ‘GROUP’
UNREAD
SHAH RUKH KHAN 2.0
Tuesday 09:35
Adnan
Can we talk, please?
I hate how we left it
UNREAD
SHAH RUKH KHAN 2.0
Tuesday 20:09
Adnan
Z, I need to explain
UNREAD
SHAH RUKH KHAN 2.0
Wednesday 19:36
Adnan
I told everyone the truth
Including Sadie
UNREAD
THE COOLEST PERSON YOU WILL EVER MEET (S)
Thursday 17:41
Sadie
Why didn’t you just tell me from the start?
What, did you think I would judge you?
You know I wouldn’t have.
But I’m not sure how we can recover from this.
I thought we never lied to one another.
I thought we were friends.
UNREAD
Friday at 16:17
VelasY74
Hey, is everything OK?
Haven’t heard from you in a while
I miss talking to you
Friday at 17:03
VelasY74
Did I say something wrong?
UNREAD
SHAH RUKH KHAN 2.0
Friday 18:48
Adnan
I’m coming over.
27
The great thing about being the kind of kid who never pulls a sickie at school is that when I do, my parents are supportive of it because they assume it’s for an actual reason and not because I’m crying my eyes out over my best friend’s betrayal/my own stupidity. It also helps that, when I call Ma and Baba to tell them I’m going home, I sound like I have the worst cold in the world and have just thrown up. Which I do as soon as I get in, even though I’ve had nothing to eat all morning. And because sixth form is the last place I want to be right now, I stay home all week, my phone out of charge and in the bottom of my bag, commiserating about the turn my life has taken.
On some level, when we began the ruse, I knew about the sacrifice I would have to make with all my relationships, but I never thought it would include the one I would develop with Yahya. In some twisted way, I thought this was the universe’s way of giving me the romcom moment I’ve been waiting patiently for. That, in return for the isolation and the inability to talk to my parents and friends about the toll all the lying was taking on me, I would be rewarded with a person who allowed me to be just myself. But no, apparently not. Instead, he was being anything but himself, only using me to get intel on his cousin.
Even worse, though, is how I can’t talk to anybody about it. Especially Adnan, who is the reason we’re in this situation in the first place. Even with the positive impact on my parents’ relationship, if I knew this was how things would turn out between me and him, I never would have gone through with it. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I’ve lost my best friend. After all these years of friendship, I never thought we’d fall out over a relationship.
On Friday, after four days of wallowing in my own self-pity, I escape the confines of my bedroom and at least sit in the kitchen for a short period of time. But as I go to open the fridge, I see the family calendar where Ma has circled 24th December in a big, bright red circle for the dawat coming up.
Our dawat. Mine and Adnan’s.
I rest my head against the cool refrigerator door, tears streaming down my face for so long that I hardly notice when Ma comes home from work at around five o’clock.
‘Beta, what’s wrong?’
There it is, my chance to let Ma in, my chance to expel all the secrets I’ve been holding onto. Everything inside me is pushing me to tell her, my stomach clenching as the words teeter on the edge of my tongue. But how can I? How can I explain to Ma the gravity of everything that’s gone down? Sadie hates me. Yahya used me to get in his uncle’s good books. Adnan chose Cami over me. Again. And worst of all, I’ve been lying to my parents for weeks.
How could I tell her that after what she told me about Nanu? Could I really hurt Ma like that?
‘Is it your stomach?’ Ma asks, detangling my hair with her fingers.
I shake my head.
‘Is it your head?’
Again, I shake my head.
Ma pauses before diving into what she’s really been wanting to ask for the past few days. I could tell from each time she stopped by my room to check on me that she knew there was more to my staying at home than a stomach bug. ‘Is it your heart?’
I burst into another wave of sobs, unable to hide the reason for my pain any longer.
‘Beta.’ Ma embraces me, steadying me as my entire body shakes. ‘Does it have anything to do with Adnan?’
I nod.
‘His mum just called me. She said he’s coming over.’
‘He is?’ I ask, surprise making my knees go weak.
‘If you want me to, I can tell him to go,’ she says, reading the panic I must be exhibiting.
‘No,’ I rasp. ‘It’s fine.’
‘You’re sure?’
I’m not, but I’m going to have to see him sooner or later. ‘Yeah.’
Half an hour later, Adnan appears on our doorstep and is swiftly ushered to my room.
‘Did you get my messages?’ he asks, not wasting a single second. He perches on the edge of my bed like nothing’s changed and it makes my stomach turn with annoyance.
I open the window and let the breeze cool my face, my words subdued by the wind. ‘I haven’t exactly been in the mood to talk to people.’
‘Well, I told everyone the truth.’
‘Yeah?’ I turn around, my hands behind me as they rest on the windowsill.
Adnan’s shoulders slump, his eyes cast down at the carpet. ‘I told them that we’ve been faking our relationship because I was in one I couldn’t disclose.’
‘After everything, you still protected Cami.’
‘I had to.’
‘You had to?’ I get off the windowsill, prompting Adnan to stand up. ‘We could have saved ourselves so much grief if she’d just been honest with her parents, or if she hadn’t suggested we cover up your relationship with ours! Or how about if you hadn’t gone and posted your relationship status on Instagram for the whole world to see without even consulting with me? God, how could you be so dumb?’
Adnan pauses and swipes a hand down his face. ‘I wasn’t thinking and that’s my fault, but I swear it was with the best intentions.’
‘That’s what murderers say.’
‘You’re not really calling me a murderer, are you? Because, out of the two of us, I’m fairly certain you’re the one who’s the murderer cos you’re killing me with those looks.’
I let out an involuntary snort. ‘That was awful. And bad timing.’
‘Made you laugh.’ He grins but it doesn’t reach his eyes the way it usually does.
‘Momentary lapse of judgement,’ I respond as I pick at my fingernails; the skin around my thumb is stripped away to reveal tender tissue from anxiously picking at it all week.
Adnan clears his throat. ‘Like you not telling me you were seeing someone?’
‘That was a conscious choice.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he asks, the hurt clear as day in his voice.
‘I wanted to be with someone who wasn’t subscribing to the Zara and Adnan hype. Someone who didn’t know you.’
‘I get that. I guess that’s why I was drawn to Cami so much,’ he admits with a swallow. ‘Her not knowing anything about the way people shipped us worked.’
‘Until it didn’t,’ I remark.
‘Yeah. We’ve really been through it, haven’t we?’ he asks, part-serious and part-joking.
The only way I can respond is by bursting into laughter that rocks my entire body. You couldn’t write it; the whole thing is so ridiculous.
‘Allah, I’ve missed your laugh, you know,’ Adnan says with a deep breath. I look up to see him looking down at me, the gap between us dangerously miniscule. When did that happen?
‘I missed you too.’
Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at me. Maybe it’s the way his breathing has slowed, no longer erratic but rather sedated and soothing. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. Nothing does, in this moment.
Except for us.
His fingers cup my jaw, tilting my chin upwards, and he looks into my eyes with his own coffee-coloured ones. He looks at me for what feels like years, my heart beating in anticipation of what is yet to come. He bends down slowly, almost like he’s asking for permission, before pressing his lips against mine as if they were the entrance to his home.
I comb my hands through his hair, not at all surprised at how soft it is, as he pulls me closer to him, reminding me of the moment we shared at the silent disco. After a week of being by myself, it feels incredible to be touched by somebody.
But as his hand comes to rest on my waist, something snaps within me. Suddenly, I step back and shake my head, on the border between rage and bewilderment.
‘Why did you do that?’ I ask, my words barely audible because of how breathless I am. ‘Why did you kiss me? We’re not pretending any more.’
‘Because I think I’m in love with you!’ he cries.
‘What?’
Adnan fidgets with his hands, his breathing quickening like he’s stressed beyond belief. ‘After Cami and I broke up, I just wanted to speak to you, but you weren’t replying and, I don’t know, I missed you so much, and it got me thinking . . .’ He lets out a deep sigh. ‘Maybe everyone was right all along. Maybe you and I are meant to be, Zara.’
It’s like everything stops as my brain processes his words, each letter entering my head as if they are being typed incredibly slowly. Even sound stops: Ma clattering about in the kitchen, the soft rustling of the leaves outside – all gone.
‘I mean, what are the odds that our lives would implode at the exact same time? It’s like the universe did this to us. For us. Don’t you think it’s trying to tell us something?’
I face away from Adnan and instead look out of the window. How is this happening right now? How are we in this situation where we’ve just kissed and the idea of us being an actual thing is starting to make sense? I don’t understand.
But I also do. When I add up all the little moments we’ve had together over the past few months, and how angry I’ve been at him this week, I can’t help but finally understand. Involuntarily, my heart flutters in my chest.
Could it be that I love him, too? I’ve spent the majority of my life shutting everybody down when they’ve tried to insinuate that there’s anything between us, but have I been wrong this entire time? Should I have listened to them from the get-go?
Is this my romcom moment that I’ve just been too blind to see?
Adnan places his hand on my shoulder. ‘Say something, please.’
Tears prickle at the back of my eyelids. I know that we make sense. On paper, we’re perfect for one another. We love each other ferociously, but even so . . .
‘What if it doesn’t work between us?’ I finally say as I begin tearing at my cuticle again, considering what a real break-up between us would look like. How it would also break up our families, create a divide between our friends. And with everything that’s just gone down with Yahya, can I really open up my heart again? There’s so much at stake.
‘Shit.’ I flinch as I tear my cuticle, blood oozing out. But Adnan’s quick to pull a plaster out of his back pocket.
‘I always carry one in case I fall for you,’ he says, his trademark grin back in action. He lets his hands linger around mine even after he’s tended to my injury, still waiting for me to say something more definitive. ‘We’ll never know unless we try, Z.’
