From the Hat Down, page 27
“I’m so glad—” Gina started. “Hold on,” she said and Meg heard her addressing someone else. Then she came back on the phone. “I’m done with that assignment and in Sacramento for the weekend. You can imagine what that entails.”
“I’m guessing you’re not alone, then.”
“Bingo,” Gina said, a smile in her voice. “Well, technically I am alone now because I’m out back on the patio. But that doesn’t guarantee anything.”
“Knowing your family, if they came out there and you asked them to leave, that would only make them stay longer.”
“You’re racking up points,” Gina said with a gentle, teasing tone that always sent a flutter through Meg’s chest. “And you’re about to rack up a bunch more because my mom just came out here with my dad. They suddenly felt the need to sit out here with their iced tea.” She sighed. “Oh, and of course Mary and Angelica are now out here.”
“Hi, Meg,” came the background greetings from at least two voices.
“Hell,” Gina said with resignation. “Let me call you back later, if that’s okay.”
“Don’t worry about it, because all you need to do is listen.”
“Okay.” Gina’s voice was soft but Meg heard the question in it.
“Yes,” Meg said. “Yes to everything you asked. I’ve hated not having you in my life and I’ve kicked myself for pushing you away.”
“Meg—”
“Don’t say anything,” she interrupted sternly. “Listen.” She waited to make sure that Gina was following her instructions before she continued. “I know leaving was a decision we made together but I also know it was one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me. And I think I pushed harder than you did and I’m sorry. I realize I’ve missed you every day since then. And I know I didn’t let you in completely and that I used that somehow to justify my part in ending things with you.” She paused, gathering her thoughts. “I don’t want to re-create the past. I’m happy sharing the memories with you and sorting through it, but I want the now and I want the future.”
She stopped to make sure Gina wasn’t trying to say something. “And I want to know who you are now and I want you to know who I am, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. So I’m asking for your patience because maybe I need some help learning to let you in and maybe I need some time adjusting to the fact that you’re real. Can you do that?”
“Yes,” Gina said quietly, almost reverently. “Weeks, months, years. I don’t care. Whatever you—we—need.”
Meg closed her eyes, feeling pieces of herself fall together in a pattern at once comfortingly familiar but exquisitely new and she caught her breath at the sensation, at the enormity of second chances and the gifts of fate. “I never stopped loving you.”
Gina inhaled sharply, the sound almost a snap against her teeth.
“And it’s taken me ’til now to admit that. God, I tried to stop. But I couldn’t. I can’t.” She smiled then. “I have no idea what I’m doing here. None. But it feels right and sometimes I guess you just have to go on faith.”
“Whatever it takes, Meg. I’ll wait.”
“Did your mom just hear you say that?”
“No. But Angelica and Mary did. They’re giving me a thumbs-up.”
“That’s heartening,” Meg said with a laugh. “And thanks for the roses,” she added. “When you meet the clinic staff, they’ll tell you all about my reaction.”
“You’re welcome. That good, huh?”
“Better. I’m signing off now because I want your mom to have time to give you the third degree.”
“Nice. Thanks, Meg,” Gina said, joking. “I knew I could count on you to look after my personal welfare. Anything you want me to tell her?”
“That I still love her daughter and I hope she’s okay with that. Good night, Gina. Get some rest. Doctor’s orders. Bye.” Meg hung up before Gina could respond, before they talked again for hours and hours into the night. I ain’t twenty-five anymore, she thought wryly, as much as she’d like to greet the sunrise with Gina’s voice in her ear. Regardless, Meg fell asleep with her anyway.
Chapter 25
Moonshine was definitely moving better, Meg thought as she watched him trotting along on their walk Saturday afternoon. The medicine was working, but she didn’t want him to overexert himself no matter how good he was feeling, so she turned toward home, thinking she might have one of the beers left over from last night.
Sean had peppered her with questions about what had happened in the parking lot until she was satisfied that Meg was okay and then in typical Sean fashion, she’d grilled her about her impending visit to California. With Sean around, she didn’t have to worry about bottling things up. Maybe she’d call Ginny, see if she wanted to come over for one of the leftover beers later on. She felt like she should be more social. She caught herself. Ginny might have her hands full with Laura. She’d call anyway, to check in.
Once back at home, Meg let Moonshine out the back and dialed Ginny’s number. When she didn’t answer, Meg left a message. Ginny was old school and didn’t like to text much. She put her phone into the pocket of her shorts and put a load of laundry into the washer then leaned outside to check on Moonshine, but she didn’t need to worry. He was sound asleep on the patio in the shade of the big elm that spread its limbs protectively over half of the concrete and the back end of her house.
Meg closed her eyes and put her face to the sun. Early summer in Wyoming was one of her favorite times of the year, and it always made her think about the first time she and Gina met. Her phone buzzed with a text message.
Hey, Cowgirl. Feel like talking?
She grinned and butterflies bounced around her stomach like when she and Gina were first together. She speed-dialed her.
“Hey,” came Gina’s voice and Meg melted.
“I was just thinking about you,” Meg said, still grinning.
“What a coincidence. I was just thinking about you. Do you have a few minutes?”
“Yep. I was going to go through a round of vet paper drafts. You saved me from round two, a fate worse than mange.”
“Worse than that? Damn. You want me to have a look at those papers, maybe jazz ’em up a little? Of course, you’ll end up with phrases like ‘knee bone connected to the leg bone,’ but I’m happy to help.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Anything to keep you busy and off the streets. Where are you?”
“Still in Sacramento. I’m humoring my mom.”
“Oh?”
“Doctor check-up yesterday. I’ll head back to L.A. probably tomorrow.” She lowered her voice to a stage whisper. “Because if I don’t, I will lose the other half of my mind.”
Meg laughed. “Ah, family.”
“Don’t get me started.”
“Okay. So where exactly are you?” Meg asked, trying to picture her.
“On the back patio catching some rays. Seemed like the California thing to do.”
“And where is everyone else?”
“Mary is out shopping and then she’ll probably go back to her place. Angelica went home, and my parents are with my grandparents. I have the whole house to myself. Well, the dogs and I do.”
“A bit of peace, then. So tell me how the doctor check-up went.” Meg went out onto the patio and sat down in one of the three plastic chairs that stood in a circle near the barbecue grill.
“Fine. Things seem to be healing up pretty well. Ribs are still a little sore, so I’m taking it easy in that regard. My leg is still tender. If I’m on my feet too much or walk too much, it lets me know about it.”
“Listen to it. Doctor’s orders.”
Gina laughed softly. “It occurred to me that I really don’t know much about this doctor side of you. I’m looking forward to getting to know it.”
“You might get tired of hearing about it.”
“Never.” She was quiet for a few moments. “I miss you.”
Meg closed her eyes, warmth flooding through her veins that had nothing to do with the afternoon sun.
“I’ve missed you for so long that it’s a part of me in some ways now,” Gina said. “I wanted to tell you the last time I saw you.”
Meg thought back five years earlier. “I was seeing Rhonda then.” She remembered Gina meeting her and Sean at a restaurant in Fort Collins.
“I know. So I didn’t. But every time I emailed you or sent you a card, I wanted to tell you.”
“You were wearing your hair shorter then.” Meg adjusted her position slightly in the chair. And you gave me a Hawaiian shirt on that visit. One actually from Hawaii.”
“I did,” Gina said. “It was mostly dark blue with little aloha girls all over it. Blues and grays bring out your eyes. I did that on purpose.” She chuckled. “You put it on over your t-shirt and I kept staring at you all through dinner.”
“I still have that shirt. And I still wear it.”
“Really?” Gina sounded surprised.
“I have everything you ever gave me. All your cards, all your letters and emails—everything. I keep a file of your stories that I print out from the web.”
Gina didn’t respond right away. “I keep a file, too,” she finally said. “I wondered if we ever got to a point where we’d talk about things—if you’d think I was stalking you if I told you that.”
Meg heard the smile in Gina’s voice and she grinned. “Hell, I’d have to admit it, too. It just—I don’t know. It made me feel better to have things like that, things I knew you’d touched or wrote.” Meg sighed then, a mixture of regret and hope. “I didn’t see anyone for two years after we broke up.” She bit her lip, a sudden wave of emotion engulfing her chest that was almost painful, that filled her eyes with tears.
“I didn’t, either,” Gina said, tone soft.
Meg pictured her sitting on a similar patio, just a couple states over. She wanted desperately to hold her, to feel her, solid and familiar, pressed against her. “I’m sorry.” Meg’s throat tightened and her chest contracted. “I’m so sorry.” She knew Gina would hear the impending tears in her voice.
“It’s okay,” she said in that way Meg remembered. The way that always made her feel better. “I’m sorry, too, for my part in what happened. But here we are now. That’s what I’m interested in.” She paused. “Look, I know it’s kind of soon after Kate. I know you need to get that figured out. That’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. And if what you need right now is a friend, I can do that, too. I’ll wait. However long it takes. I don’t care. All I know is I can’t be without you in my life. I tried it. And I can’t.”
Meg rubbed her forehead with her free hand as her eyes filled with tears. She got up suddenly and went to the bathroom for a box of tissues.
“You okay?” Gina asked, concern in her voice. “Meg?”
“I’m better than okay,” Meg managed as she wiped her eyes. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why did you break up with Sharon?”
“I wasn’t in love with her.” Gina’s tone was matter-of-fact. “Sharon’s a good person. We had some good times. But after a year, I just didn’t feel for her what she wanted me to feel. And it was clear we were in two different places going two different directions.”
“Is that what you said in the email?” Meg threw the tissue away in the kitchen and pulled another one out of the box.
“No. I just said it didn’t work out and I asked if you’d be interested in maybe getting together after the new year some time, that I’d be trying to get stateside.” She laughed. “Now that I think about it, I think it might have sounded like a come-on. But I did tell you to say hi to Kate.”
Meg reached for another tissue then changed her mind and just took the whole box back to the patio and sat down again. “Kate started leaving in October. It’d been over for a while. Months.”
“What happened?”
“Same thing like with you and Sharon. I wasn’t in love with her. And we were different on lots of levels. She didn’t understand the ranching thing. I can’t really blame her. It’s a tough lifestyle to figure out, especially if you haven’t ever lived it.”
“You are the ranching thing,” Gina said. “It’s in your blood. It’s a big part of who you are. I can’t imagine you any other way.”
Meg pulled another tissue out of the box and wiped her eyes again. “Damn. I’m turning into a big ol’ baby,” she muttered.
Gina laughed. “You’ve always had that side. It’s one of the things I love about you. Remember that first year we were together? It was almost a year after we met and I came to visit right at branding time. Holy shit, I have never worked so hard in my life.”
Meg smiled. “You were pretty tired. On that last day working, you fell asleep on the ride home. I had to ride close to make sure you didn’t fall out of your saddle. But you did a damn good job.” She remembered watching Gina doze, head nodding in rhythm with the horse’s gait. Even sleeping, Gina stayed in the saddle. She had a lot of natural talent for riding.
“Well, thanks. I remember watching you cutting calves from the herd. You and Rusty. God, he was a great horse. You had him trained so well. You had to chase that one calf and you roped it, left-handed, from the saddle. Rusty did what he was supposed to do and you were out of that saddle like lightning, like you were flying. You had that calf trussed and ready in six seconds. It was a thing of beauty, watching you. I felt like my chest was going to burst open and I just wanted to shout ‘that’s my fuckin’ girlfriend! Uh-huh! That’s right’!”
Meg flushed, embarrassed but also aroused. She admonished herself not to think about that, not to go down that road. Yet.
“And Mark had that branding iron—you had your leather gloves on and you reached for an iron to singe that calf and Mark jerked when Bugoff went flying through after another calf and the iron bumped you on your arm. I knew it hurt. It raised a huge welt but you didn’t say a word, just went about your business.” Her voice trailed off. “And then you cried when I left. My sweet, tough, bad-ass, softie girlfriend. I love the contradictions.” She stopped and cleared her throat. “Shit. I didn’t mean to make assumptions. I was just. . .hell.”
A rush of warmth started at the top of Meg’s head and roared down to her shoes. “It’s a nice assumption. I like it.”
“Jesus, I’m all off track here.”
Meg grinned, because Gina was rarely flustered.
“All right,” Gina said in a tone like an announcement. “Okay. I just wanted to tell you that I know you might be working on some things and it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’d better not. I don’t want you screwing yourself up in your healing. When your leg bothers you, rest. Keep your ass planted in the chair for a while.”
“Y’know, I think I really do like this bossy side of yours. When did you acquire that?”
Meg laughed. “Bossy? Really?”
“Not to suggest you weren’t already assertive. But I like the authoritative tone you have with that now. Vet school suited you.”
“So I’m told.”
Gina was silent for a few moments. “It’s been amazing, talking to you. I can’t believe it sometimes. I can’t believe that I can pick up a phone and call you and hear your voice. And I can’t believe that I’ll see you soon.” She laughed. “I might pass out. Seriously. I’ll totally pass out when I see you. In fact, I’m going to pass out right now just thinking about it.”
Meg laughed, too. “So if I hear a weird noise right now—”
“It’s me. Falling right out of my chair.”
“Make sure you don’t land on your bad leg.”
“Nice. Thanks for your concern.”
“No problem.”
“Damn. I hate hanging up when I’m talking to you. But I know you’ve got things to do and I, of course, have nearly perfected the art of sitting on my ass, contrary to what you might think. I’m almost as good as my great-uncle Gregorio, who I think turns one hundred and eighty-three this month.”
Meg chuckled. “I miss you,” she said. “And I am so looking forward to seeing you. Now get some rest.”
“Yeah, yeah. Okay, Doc,” she said in a long-suffering tone but Meg heard the teasing behind it, and it was just like ten years ago when they were first seeing each other, when saying goodbye took almost as long as the phone call itself. She smiled at the memory, stood and looked up at the sky, wanting to bury her face in Gina’s hair and run her lips down her neck. She wouldn’t say that, however. Too soon, maybe. And maybe she shouldn’t be hoping about that.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Gina said with a warmth Meg remembered only too well.
“Yes. You will.”
“Bye, Cowgirl.”
They hung up and Meg inhaled, the smells of new grass and warm earth filling her senses. She brought her phone to her lips and rested it there, eyes closed. You just know, Sean had said. You just know if it’s the right fit. She opened her eyes and stared at the sky, a pale blue pockmarked with clouds. Gina was looking at this same sky at that moment and there were only two states between them. Meg groaned softly. Thursday taunted her but thinking about its approach sent electric butterflies through her abdomen. She put her phone in her pocket, grabbed the box of tissues, and went back inside, glad she hadn’t brought up what had happened earlier that week. Time enough to talk that out later.
Chapter 26
Monday was uncharacteristically slow so Meg checked her email. Phil and Alicia were planning their move for the middle of July, probably closer to the third week, and were planning to go to the ranch for a couple of days. He also wanted her to know how much he appreciated her and Stan and he was looking forward to returning. No mention of his family. Meg suspected it had gone about as well as he’d said it would.
And speaking of family, an email from Irene sat in her inbox. She imagined it glaring at her, like a little goblin with big fangs. She opened it and by the third sentence wished she hadn’t. She could hear Irene’s tone in the words, a mixture of recrimination and self-righteousness. Why couldn’t Meg just try a session with the therapist Ed knew? Why couldn’t she at least call him? Why this, why that, and why the fuck had Meg opened this message? She deleted it, then dragged it out of her trash file and wrote a succinct reply: “No thanks.” She clicked send and deleted the original message again. Then she went into her trash file and deleted it permanently, as if that would somehow make things better, would somehow erase the fact that she’d read it. She rubbed her eyes, pissed and hurt but also sad, that things had come to this between them.
