Exploitation, page 11
It was probably time to get back. I was reluctant to land, but I could go out again. I could fly, and now I knew it. The feeling buoyed my spirits and lifted my mood.
How did I go back to my other form?
I swooped toward the ground, and as it rushed up to meet me, my human feet touched down. It took a moment to adjust to the solid ground, but I found my footing quickly.
That was incredible. “Whoo.” I couldn’t help but let out the shout.
What else could I do that was muscle memory?
I had to figure it out.
FIFTEEN
MAGNUS
I was in Bragi’s bedroom. That wasn’t…
Wasn’t what? The thought flitted away before I could grasp it.
Lips pressed into my bare shoulder, sending a delicious shiver through me.
Nico.
I couldn’t feel what he felt, but his touch along my naked back, his fingers drawing lightly up my spine, was delicious.
In front of me, Bragi tilted my chin up and claimed my mouth with his, in a hard, hungry kiss.
I leaned into the sensation, wanting more. Needing more.
This isn’t right.
This was incredible. Trapped between them, none of us clothed, and all of our hands and mouths roaming everywhere. Heat swelled inside me, pooling in my belly and traveling lower to pulse between my thighs.
He’s lying.
Who? Bragi. He wasn’t, though. He wanted me.
This ends badly.
This would end in orgasms. They were both worshiping me with their touch. He wanted to keep me safe.
No.
The thought was a barely whispered word that drifted away before I could figure out what it meant. I wanted it to come back. To explain. Knowing what I was trying to tell myself was more important than being with them.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just enjoy this?
The dream was gone, and my eyes flew open without my permission. I was in a bedroom I didn’t recognize, and Bragi had his back to me, as he left the room.
I wanted him. Intensely. Desperately. To taste him. To hear intimately filthy words spill from his lips and caress my ears. To feel him buried inside me.
No. He’d lied to me. He let me think Dahlia was dead. He told me my entire world was gone, so he could keep me in his.
So he could keep me safe. The same way I’m pushing Dahlia away to keep her safe.
The two were not the same. I wasn’t taking Dahlia’s freedom.
And speaking of Dahlia, I only had that stupid dream because watching her play kissy-face with two sexy gods made me lonely. Horny.
It had nothing to do with me still wanting Bragi. Because I didn’t.
Or maybe just a little.
I adjusted myself in the bed, and he paused and turned.
“You’re awake,” he said. No feelings radiated from him, at least not anything identifiable. It was more like the faintest hint of sugar in the air the day after baking cookies, rather than reminding me of walking by a perfume counter.
This crystal from Maeve was amazing. “Yeah.”
“Are you all right?” He stayed at the edge of the room. “You were whimpering in your sleep.”
Fuck. I didn’t moan his name or anything, did I? “I probably do that most of the time.” I could brush it off as a nightmare. Technically it was, wasn’t it?
“I remember.”
A simple response, but it tied to an avalanche of the past. He shouldn’t remember. He never should’ve been there while I slept. While I healed. Even though he helped me. He healed me. He shouldn’t have been a part of that. Wouldn’t have been, if he told me the truth.
He was just like Johnny.
Not quite.
Fuck me and my needy, clingy, sex-deprived brain. “You could’ve woken me up if I was having bad dreams.” Would that have been better or worse? To have him hovering over me while I was dreaming about how much I enjoyed fucking him?
“It won’t stop you from having them, and if I let you sleep, maybe this time you wouldn’t remember when you woke up. Besides, you needed the rest.”
That last bit was probably true. I hated to admit it, but I felt rested. I also felt like an asshole for falling asleep in the middle of what was technically a mission. Why had I…? That wasn’t like me. “I’m sorry for passing out.”
“It wasn’t your fault. Literally. Maeve put you to sleep.”
I wasn’t sure I liked that.
Bragi closed the door and approached me, stopping a meter or so from the bed. “May we talk?”
No. “We are talking.”
“Fair.” His smile was dry. “I realize I don’t have any right to ask, but I’m going to anyway. I need a favor. I need your help.”
“You’re right. You don’t deserve to ask.” I pushed myself into a sitting position in the bed. Thankfully I was fully clothed, aside from my shoes, which I took off myself, earlier. I nodded at the foot of the mattress. “What is it?”
He didn’t sit. “What I did to you, to get your Valkyrie powers back… I’d like you to do the same to me.”
Right. The torture. The agony. The hours of sitting through having magical bones broken, so I could be whole again. Gwydion had looked disgusted that Bragi knew such a thing. I should be jumping at the chance to make him suffer.
“I can’t.” The idea of inflicting that kind of pain on anyone besides Vidar made my gut churn. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t know how. That’s like asking someone who’s had open heart surgery to perform it themselves.”
“It’s not like that at all,” Bragi said. “I can walk you through it. You understand the concept, and I think you can do it.”
But I couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”
Bragi pursed his lips and gave a terse nod. He sat at the end of the bed, still keeping space between us. “Why are you doing this for Nico?” He asked. “You knew him for a month.”
This was less than subtle. How would he twist my words to get the answers from me that he wanted?
But will he?
“Because he needs my help.” Sure, my response could be easily turned on me. Bragi could counter so do I. Was I testing him? Was I asking to be convinced?
“Or is it because he was good to you when you were broken? Comforted you when you thought you’d lost it all, and showed you the light in a world that’s always been a dark and bitter place for you. That’s not love, you know.”
Bragi’s words tugged at my innermost insecurities. Barely a nudge, but enough to remind me the doubts were there.
I couldn’t lay here anymore. This conversation made me itch to move, because it was a reminder we were wasting time. I climbed from the bed so I could work off some of the tension pumping in my legs.
“I do know that’s not love.” Joke was on him. I’d spent the last month torturing myself with similar questions—why is it so important to me that Nico remembers? “But it could be. Maybe I just have the feeling he and I are meant to be together.” That was true, but it was also me throwing Bragi’s approach to us back in his face.
His raised eyebrows made me think he didn’t appreciate the jab. “Let’s say that’s the only reason. What’s your plan? Play house until he falls again?”
“You know the plan.” Albeit, it wasn’t much of one. “We follow every path that might have answers until we find the one that restores him.”
Bragi grabbed my hand, yanking me to a stop. He met my gaze and held it. “First of all, that’s not a plan, it’s a prayer, and we both know those don’t work. Second, you’re trying oh so hard to not answer the original question. Why is this, why is Nico recovering his memory so important to you?”
The longer Bragi held on, the more want built inside me, drawing up the dream. The good parts of our time together. “Because he saved me.” The answer slipped out without my permission, thanks to the mental onslaught. “And if he falls for me in the process of rediscovering who he is, if I fall for him, then that’s not bad either.”
I didn’t want to admit any of that, not even to myself. But there it was.
“That’s not the only reason,” Bragi said.
Fuck him for trying to climb inside my head and for being desirable and for making my body want him even when my head knew better. “It is as far as you’re concerned.” I still couldn’t make myself pull away from his grip.
I was stronger than that. Could control who I was. I yanked free and spun away.
Bragi stepped in my path, and I pulled up short, my breath catching at how close he stood. How imposing he could be when he wanted to.
“Tell me.” His tone was pure command. “Why?”
“Because you—Vidar, Hel, all of you at TOM—told us we could save the world.” Once upon a time, I believed that they believed that bullshit. “You all lied. The only reason you recruited us was to do your dirty work. To save your world.”
Bragi winced.
Good.
Now that I was talking, I had to finish. “Kirby made me a Valkyrie. That should’ve been what I needed—finally enough power to make a difference. No.” Bitterness bled into my voice and I didn’t try to stop it. “Everyone around me still suffers. I can’t stop Vidar. Hell, I almost caved to Minato, and I would’ve without Dahlia. I was supposed to be a hero. I was supposed to make the world a better place. And now you’re asking for the same thing again. Help me get my power back. Make me a god again. Make my dick work so I can fuck the world some more.”
Bragi’s eyes narrowed. “You think I want this for me. I don’t.”
“Bullshit.” I knew better. “If you say it’s to protect me—to save Nico—I still call bullshit, because I never asked you to save me, and that’s still you being selfish.”
“None of us are heroes.” Bragi’s words dug deep.
“Speak for yourself.”
“I am. I’m speaking for me and for every person you know and love. Did you think you’d be Luke Skywalker, following an implausible path of making every single right decision and only having to watch bad people die? Do you think you’re Steve Rogers? Because he did everything right, and he still had days where he didn’t win.”
I needed to step back. Put some distance between us so I could think. “Don’t mock me.”
“I’m not.” Bragi’s voice was hard. “You keep asking for honesty—this is it. Would you rather I use more personal examples? Is Kirby your bar? Your real life Supergirl? She’s not a lawful good paladin. She broke the rules when she defied Odin, and she wasn’t thinking about the cost anyone would pay, as long as Starkad survived. Are you looking at Dahlia? As I said to her, she’d let everyone else burn to save you and her men.”
Dahlia was good and kind and sweet and generous. “No she wouldn’t.” I refused to concede Bragi’s point, even if it was a good one.
“She would,” he said. “If it came down to it, if there were no other choice… You can’t save everyone. No one can. I lo—”
“Don’t you dare.” I refused to hear I love you for trying from his mouth.
“You can stop me from saying it, but it won’t change anything.”
I raked my fingers through my hair and yanked hard on the strands. “I know I can’t save the world, but I have to be able to save someone. Nico gave me my life. Twice. If I can’t fucking save just one person who deserves it…” I was useless.
Bragi grabbed my wrist again, and pulled my hand from my head before I could rip out my hair. His grip was softer this time. Powerful but gentle. How was that possible?
“I don’t expect you to like my words,” he said. “And I’m not trying to change your mind. I know your perspective is different from theirs. From all of ours. When you say you want to save people, I believe you.”
He dragged in a deep breath. “Your friends—they want security. They want to belong. They want vengeance. If you think that’s not what drives Kirby, you’re lying to yourself. I don’t have a problem with their motivation, but it’s not yours. You want justice and equity and for everyone good to have everything good.”
I hated that his words warmed me, and that he could see so deep inside me. I hated the adoration and that I wanted to bask in it.
“That’s why I stopped doing what I was doing, with TOM,” Bragi said. “Because I saw that in you, and…” He let out a long sigh and moved his hand from my arm to my face.
His touch was so light, my breath caught. He traced a thumb along my cheek. Light. Barely there. Seductive and mournful.
I couldn’t grasp the fight inside. The voice that wanted me to pull away was so quiet. It would be easy to fall into this. Into Bragi and his touch. Into the way he saw me.
He dipped his head and hovered his mouth over mine. His breath was heated temptation teasing my lips.
“I do want my powers back for me,” he whispered. “It’s selfish, and I don’t deny that. I want my strength back so I can keep you safe. Even if you think you don’t need me, you can’t face the world alone. No one should have to even try. And I refuse to let Vidar or anyone remove you or what you are from this existence.”
Though the hard edge was gone from his voice, the conviction was stronger than ever. The intensity in his gaze, in his words, wrapped around me. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to lean in and feel him and taste him.
I knew better.
I forced myself to step away and break the contact between us. The desire to tell him no was gone, though. Used up in this single moment. “Okay. I’ll help you. I’ll see if I can restore your power.”
“While we’re here, safe and isolated, I’d just like to see if you can do it. I expect it will take multiple iterations, as it did with you.” Bragi’s voice was thick, as he jerked his head toward the middle of the room.
Did the exchange between us impact him as much as it did me?
I already knew the answer was yes. “It’s going to hurt.” Way to state the obvious, me. Still, he deserved a reminder. Anyone did before willingly walking into this.
“I know.” Bragi knelt on the ground, his back ramrod straight. “Once upon a time, I did it to myself. The mind numbs the pain of the past, so right now I can convince myself I can handle it.”
Those were wise words. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“You tell me.”
I didn’t know, so my response was to kneel behind him. “This is easier if you can relax.”
His entire body sagged, and some of his joints unlocked, but tension still coiled through his body. Easy enough to spot after a lifetime of needing to be aware of it in myself and others.
“That’s as good as it gets,” Bragi said.
Fair enough.
From what he’d told me before, skin-to-skin contact made this process more effective, so I wasn’t surprised to see him unbutton his shirt and slide it halfway down his back, leaving his shoulders and scars exposed.
What kind of magic did it take to leave that many marks on a man who was immortal?
I reached for him and stopped. What if touching him was like when I kissed Nico? The crystal was keeping me from feeling his emotions, but…
I shook the hesitation aside. There hadn’t been anyone but me in my heart when he grabbed me before. I should be fine. Aside from one other tiny issue.
“Is there a problem?” Bragi asked.
“I understand in theory what you did, but going back to the heart surgeon analogy, I don’t know how.”
“Look for the threads that run through me. They’ll be faint, like a series of glowing threads.”
Sounded simple enough. “I can’t see anything.” Did that mean I was the problem, or his magic was that far gone?
“Are you sure?”
Why was he questioning me? “Why are you so sure I should be able to?”
“I can’t help but watch you.” Bragi glanced over his shoulder. “And I know what it’s like to have the emotions of every nearby person spilling through me. The last few days, until we got here, the way you’ve been reacting…”
So much for hiding what I was feeling.
“I don’t know if what you’re experiencing came from me or not,” he said. “But if it did, it stands to reason you can do other things that I could, as well. Focus.”
Easy for him to say. “I can’t see anything.”
“You may have to take the crystal off.”
If it was keeping me from feeling him, it made sense that it would keep me from doing other things, too. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this.
He turned away as I slipped the necklace off. “I’m sorry,” his voice was soft.
There he was. His every feeling mingling with mine.
“You can push it into the background if you focus.” Bragi’s voice cut through the emotional noise.
I’d heard that so many times in school. Just block out what you feel. Focus on anything else. Was it better or worse that he’d taught us based on his personal experiences?
Was I actually grateful I knew how to do this? It was difficult to claw through all the feelings, to find my way to a place where I could focus. The last thing I wanted was to lose myself in the intensity of his emotions—mine were bad enough.
Thankfully, Bragi didn’t say a word, and I suspected he was working to keep himself from feeling.
How did he do this for eons and not go insane?
It took me a few minutes, but I managed to wrap up what I felt from Bragi, and shove it into the same box in the back of my mind where I kept my own distractions.
“Okay.” I breathed out the confirmation.
“Good. Now concentrate on what you can see. Study my back. Can you see the threads?”
No.
But I could. The faintest crisscross of silver lines running under and through his skin. Hundreds. Thousands. How was I supposed to keep track of them all?
“You only need to pick one,” Bragi spoke in a low, tightly controlled tone.
How? I reached, and was surprised when I made contact with a cord at the edge of the maze.
I expected to pluck, and the connection would sever. It took more than that. I felt the resistance from the magical cord. Felt the crack in my fingers when it snapped. Felt Bragi’s agony, despite him barely grunting.
