Hell Hath No Fury, page 6
Gabby’s memories were abruptly cut short by a knock at the door and Devin’s muffled voice careening into the aura of calm she had masterfully cultivated.
“We’re ready for you.”
“Okay.” Gabby stood up slowly. “I’m comin’.”
When faced with the group of women, Gabby felt the excitement bubbling back up. She took a deep breath in with her nose, imagining the smell of lavender, then let out a sigh and began her lesson.
“Alright, ladies. As you may have already heard, today I’ll be leading the class.”
Before she could continue, a short round of applause and cheers followed her announcement.
“I appreciate to support, but let’s stay focused. Today we’ll be going over creating the opportunity for escape. Fighting off your attacker is important, but more than that is getting away. You’ve learned a lot in your time here, but sometimes you’ll still find yourself overpowered by an attacker who is not only stronger than you, but bigger.”
Gabby paced the mats as she spoke, letting all the she’d learned from Delilah come pouring out with all the confidence she could summon. Today she’d teach the exact move she had used to get this job, the scent of lavender still on the edge of her mind.
10
Delilah and Larry walked side by side through the distant darkness and wove their way through what looked like the remnants of stone structures long since destroyed. In the distance, to their left, as they traveled toward the Necropolis, Delilah could see the people still running. She could just make out the fading screams of those snatched up by the swooping shadows that dove down from above. She looked back at Larry, who never seemed to stop talking, and hoped that if other demons in Hell were anything like Larry, perhaps Momo might be okay.
Even though the entire experience was feeling like some sort of surreal nightmare, she decided to engage with it. She cut Larry off in the middle of whatever it was he had been yammering on about.
“Are many demons like you?”
Larry paused, gave it a second’s thought, then shook his head. “If there are any, I have yet to meet them.” Before Delilah could ask a follow-up question, Larry continued. “I’m somewhat of a mold breaker, if you will. Yeah, not sure what went right with me, but pretty much every other demon I’ve met has been a total asshole. Especially these newer ones. It’s a wonder all of Hell isn’t full of shit with all these assholes running around.”
He looked at her with his mouth ajar and his eyebrows raised; preparing to be met with laughter.
Delilah decided it best to humor the strange demon and forced out a small chuckle. This caused Larry to let out a hard but short burst of laughter that ended with him adding, “I’m bad, I know.”
Any sense that Momo might be okay in that city, under the care of that demon, quickly vanished, and she felt the weakness inside her grow. Her feet felt heavier with each step.
“Do you really think we’ll be able to find my cat in that city?”
“First of all, if I’m being honest, no. Probably not. It’s a big city, with a lot of demons. Also, who knows if that’s where they took your cat. There’s much more to Hell than the Necropolis. Take all these ruins for instance.” Larry gestured around the dark, barren waste through which they currently walked. “This used to be Hell, and further past is more Hell. Then, if you go through the Necropolis, the ‘new Hell’”—Larry mimed air quotes and rolled his eyes—"continues further still. All the way until you reach the Dark Lord. Well, the current Dark Lord.” Larry put his finger in his mouth and pretended to gag. “The biggest asshole of them all. I guess that’s why all these demons are such assholes. I mean—"
“Larry,” Delilah stopped him, “I don’t understand anything you’re talking about. I just want to find my Momo. You are going to help, aren’t you? I feel like we’re wasting time.”
Larry nodded. “Yup, I’m still gonna help. This is just a boring part. We gotta make it to the Blood Bog, which is just up ahead, but we have to go this way because otherwise the Erinyes would gobble you right up.”
“Erinyes?”
“Yeah, they are a holdover from the previous Dark Lord. You guys used to write a bunch of stories that had them in there. I think you called them furies mostly. Most of them died when that Dark Lord went to war with Heaven. Some of the chicks were too young to fight, so they just sorta stayed.” Larry then chortled and added, “Hell hath no fury…like a literal fury.”
Delilah wasn’t terribly amused.
“How many Dark Lords are there?”
“Well…” Larry thought for a moment, then smiled. “You know what? I’ll answer all your questions, but you’ve got to answer some of mine. I have so many.”
“Um.” Delilah wasn’t sure what information she could offer that a demon might want to know, but she was sure it couldn’t hurt. “Okay, I’ll try my best.”
Larry did a little skip and clapped his hands. “Yes! Okay, question number one. Why do you want this cat so bad? Are all humans this attached to animals, or is it just cats?”
“I love Momo. She was my mom’s, before she died.”
“So, you’re chasing after a dead cat? I thought you said it was alive.”
“No,” Delilah said annoyed. “My mom died. So, I took Momo. And no, not all humans love animals, but many do. We keep them as pets. As friends. People seem to like dogs a lot, but many of us prefer cats.”
“Oh, okay. I think I understand.” Larry’s expression was studious before melting into confusion. “But not really.”
“Too bad,” Delilah was quick to say. “My turn.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“How many Dark Lords are there?”
“Well, that’s an interesting question. I was created by my Dark Lord about four Dark Lords ago. There could have been more, but I don’t know how long time has existed, so there’s no telling. I was one of the few survivors of His attempt to overthrow Heaven.” Larry let out a sudden snort of a laugh, then leaned in closer to Delilah. “But that’s only because I didn’t go to the battle. I thought it was a stupid idea, a running gag if you ask me, and I wanted nothing to do with it. My turn. What is this thing?”
Larry produced a used condom from a pouch attached to his belt. Delilah was taken aback by this, even more by Larry running it under his nose and smiling as he took in the smell.
“I’ve found like a bazillion of these. Sometimes I blow them up and bat them around when I’m bored. Other times I chew on them because I really like the taste. The smell is nice too, familiar, but I still can’t seem to figure out exactly what the correct way to use them is.”
Delilah shook her head and laughed a little. “It’s a condom.”
“A what?”
“A condom. Men put them on their penises so they don’t make babies or spread diseases when they have sex.”
“Oh! That explains why the taste and smell are so familiar. The penises used to be my favorite part. I’m more of a fingers guy now. Similar form factor, but with the satisfying crunch of bone. Hey, you okay?”
Delilah had stopped walking and hunched over with her hands on her knees. When she finally threw up, the taste of blood came with the taste of bile. Larry stood beside her and put his hot hand on her back.
“Was it something I said?”
“Yeah, it’s fucking gross.”
“Oh, dang, I forgot. You aren’t a demon, so you don’t eat people. I wish I didn’t like the taste so much, but I suppose that comes with being a demon. If I could become a human, and stop eating people, I would do it in a heartbeat. You believe me, right? It’s important to me that you believe that I’m a friend to humans.” Larry stood back up and tilted his head from side to side as he rolled the thought around. “Generally speaking, of course. I can’t totally help how I was made. In fact, for the rest of our quest, can we just pretend I am a human? You know, just a couple of badass humans, tearing our way through Hell, on a quest to save a cat? I promise not to eat any people the entire time, no matter how hungry I get.”
Delilah stood back up after spitting out the remaining bile and blood that lined her mouth. “Sure, whatever you want as long as you help me out. Let’s just keep moving.”
“Good, we’re getting close now. Just a few hundred more feet, I think. Your turn.”
“Right.” Delilah wiped her mouth clean. “How will we find Momo when we get to the Necropolis, and what if she isn’t there?”
“Technically, that’s two questions, but I’ll allow it. What did the demon who took your cat look like? It’s odd that a demon would go into a person’s home in the first place. We aren’t supposed to interact with humans outside of Hell.”
“It was black and a little over half my height, mostly arms and legs, with a round head and body. Long sharp fingers, long floppy ears, black beady eyes. It had two little red horns on its head.”
“Oh yeah, that’s an Imp. There are tons of those around here. They do most of the work in the Necropolis. Hmmm.” Larry tapped his chin. “I have good news and bad news.”
Larry held his palms out in front of him one at a time, as if holding the news out to consider. “Good news: that is a very specific Imp, and I know exactly where he’s going.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“Well, it’s really bad news.”
“What?” Delilah grew impatient.
“He’s going to take your cat to the Dark Lord. I know,” Larry interjected before Delilah could say anything, “but it’s the only thing that makes sense. The Dark Lord’s minion is the only Imp with black skin and red horns in all of Hell, AND the only reason a demon would dare to get that close to a human is at His request.”
“What about you? You must go up all the time to get all your jun—" Delilah managed to catch herself. “Cool stuff. Wouldn’t you get in trouble?”
“Oh, that’s the beauty.” Larry strutted as he beamed with pride. “You are probably aware, but humans keep loads of cool stuff in giants piles that stretch on for miles. Not a living soul around. The older stuff, well, I’m not sure if you follow history, but human cities used to die off constantly. You could just waltz right in and take what you wanted. No one would ever know.”
Delilah tried to tune him out. She barely survived against the beasts of burden; how was she supposed to get Momo back from the Dark Lord?
“Oh, more bad news.” Larry pulled her back into his ramblings. “The Pit, which is where the Dark Lord’s throne is currently located, is all the way at the end of Hell. So, I’m not sure you’ll survive, even if no one kills you. Hey, me too for that matter, considering I’m your very human accomplice.”
Delilah didn’t care for the smile and wink Larry added, nor did she find humor in the idea of her certain death. There had to be a way. There was always a way.
“Then,” Larry continued, “there’s the matter of getting back out. You’d need a demon to open a portal for you. I can’t, because I’m human now, right? So, IF we get that far, we’ll have to figure something out.”
“So, what’s the point of this then? Why bother helping me now?”
They had stopped walking. Before them, the sound of gentle waves lapped up against the rocky ground.
“Well, we can travel faster than walking, and I know a place in the Necropolis that has a load of fancy weapons. They’ve been putting souls in them, which I’m not sure they are supposed to be doing, but they supposedly make you stronger. Maybe they can keep you alive? Also, I think I’m done being a demon. Like, for reals this time. I’ve been hiding out in that cave for what feels like eons. I’m ready to die. Are you?”
Delilah nodded. “But how to we get there. You still haven’t told me.”
“Wait, I’ve lost track of whose turn it is to ask questions.”
Delilah just glared at him. She was done with the nonsense, and Larry could see it.
“Okay, anyway, we are going to ride one of those,” he explained, extending a hand and pointing out into the dark waters of the blood bog. “A blood worm.”
Delilah squinted. Among the still waters, she saw a rolling shape appear, and then, after about a minute, disappear. Without perspective, it was hard for her to get a sense of how big a blood worm was, but she could guess. Her legs and arms began to shake, and her nerves amplified the ever-growing weakness she worked to repress.
“Don’t worry.” Larry gently grabbed her shaking hand and held it still. “I’ve done this once before. Super simple creatures. All we need is some bait, and for that I’m gonna need your help.”
Delilah thought for a moment and felt a knot form in the pit of her stomach. “Is it me? Am I the bait?”
“No, don’t be ridiculous,” Larry laughed. “You’re the bait for the bait.”
11
The Imp had made it to the heart of the Necropolis. The blood trickling between the cracks of the otherwise black-stoned road felt soothing under his feet. Puddles of it formed in the gutters beneath the towering, stone building that made up the city, and red, vein-like growths wound their way up and out from the puddles and crawled along the otherwise blackened stone walls. Although it had been eons past since his master had built it, each time the Imp entered the Necropolis, he couldn’t help but let his gaze follow the red vines up with a sense of pride at the towering skyline he’d helped build.
Guarding the entrances of each building and patrolling the streets were Hell’s finest, the Dreadgaurd. He regarded their imposing forms and thick, black, gold-trimmed armor with envious eyes. He looked down at the carrier in his hand and smiled. His rebirth was at hand.
Various demonic creatures of all sizes and shapes, of all rank and file, shot the Imp disgusted looks and recoiled as he drew near. Their baleful gazes fell upon the crate he carried.
“Stop,” the deep boom of the Overseer commanded unto him from above. His voice shook through the Necropolis in a deep rumble. For a moment, all those in Necropolis froze and looked up to the ceiling of rock that hung in the sky far above the city. The Overseer had their undivided attention.
“You, Imp,” his voice boomed again, extending a long, bony finger down into the streets and feet from the Imp’s face. The demons that filled the skies were quick to dodge the giant skeletal, the massive bony finger nearly reaching the Imp and sending a gust of hot air washing over him and rolling through the streets.
All, save for the Imp, resumed toiling away at their hellish misdeeds. The Imp stopped and looked up at the Overseer.
“What is that hideous beast from the mortal realm doing on these unholy grounds?” There was a disgust in his voice as he withdrew his arm.
The Imp rolled his eyes. He knew it was only a matter of time before this cat caused him problems at home. The only things in Hell were dead or dying, and for some reason, as if imbedded in them at their moment of creation, those who were born of evil despised such creatures.
The Imp wasn’t sure when it began, or even why, but the only mortals to have ever figured it out died off ages ago. A moment in mortal history those born of evil appreciated. The Imp would call them smart, but then again, they thought they could bring their gold with them to the afterlife, as if killing so many to build a giant headstone would send you anywhere but Hell.
The Imp sighed a heavy sigh before finally replying. He wasn’t sure if the task was a secret to be kept, but the Dark Lord must have known such a thing would not go unquestioned or unnoticed, so he decided to just get it over with. It wasn’t like the Overseer would let him leave otherwise.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m bringing this thing to the Dark Lord,” the Imp yelled as he lifted the crate and shook it at the Overseer. The cat meowed and hissed in shaking vibrations as she searched for sure footing in the trembling cage.
The Overseer recoiled slightly. “On whose command do you usher in a foul creature such as this?”
“The Dark Lord asked me for a cat, so I’ve brought him a cat. I just said it was for the Dark Lord.” The Imp’s tone grew impatient and noticeably indignant. He didn’t have time to deal with this, not with his master waiting and his reward imminent. Not to mention, he really wanted to be rid of the stupid cat. The more time he spent near it, the more disgusting he felt.
“Then proceed as you have been commanded.” The Overseer looked away from the Imp and the Necropolis and turned his gaze across the Hells before him. The Imp went on his way. However, before the Imp could get more than three steps in, the Overseer spoke again, softer now, as if thinking aloud. “What of this woman you have brought with you?”
The Imp’s face sunk and he slouched down slightly as renewed worry swept through him. “Didn’t the beasts of burden eat her, or the Erinyes? Don’t tell me she survived.”
“She has bested a beast of burden and has circumvented the furies with the aid of another demon. She now stands before the blood bog, with the Erinyes closing in, yet she lives.”
“Another demon? Are you kidding me?” The Imp's eyes burst open wide and he set down the cat. “Problem solved though, right? She’ll die soon. Surely. Do you know if her being here violates the treaty?”
The Overseer considered the Imp’s comments. The sounds of the busy city filled in the empty silence that left the Imp growing nervous.
