Sam, page 20
The lecture is about data and how to display it in graphs and charts and other ways. Every once in a while, Bowen says something interesting and then he says, “Side note!” And Sam perks up. Side note, there is a really good book you can get called How to Lie with Statistics. Pretty much all numbers can be manipulated in the news and politics. That is the takeaway.
Other people are scribbling in blue ballpoint, in pencil, in black pen. The students are all ages. Some of them are bald or gray.
Accounting is taught by this happy older woman named Mary Witchy. She tells the class she is originally from Tennessee. Her hair is white-blond, her shoes are stiletto heels, which seems a little bit insane. Then again, Witchy is a tiny person. Maybe she needs them so you can see her at the board.
She is like a country music singer in love with equations. She sings out, “Assets equal liabilities plus owner’s equity. Say it with me!” She draws a great big T on the whiteboard and she says, “Now listen up, because this little critter is the basis of accounting.”
Sam does listen. She even chants the equation, and at the same time, she can’t wait to leave.
She drives straight from class to the Atomic Bean for her lunch shift, where she makes sandwiches and gets people coffee.
There are two art students from Montserrat College, drawing tiny cartoons of the people who walk in. They are working in ink precisely.
One table over, a dad sits with his little boy, who looks about four. They are eating donuts, and the boy nibbles his all the way around the hole.
The dad asks, “Does it taste better that way?”
“That will be seven twenty,” Sam tells her customer at the counter. She tosses salads with blue cheese, spinach, and dried cranberries. She serves BLTs and she remembers how she sat with Mitchell right here at the café and he said he was going to Portsmouth, but he would still see her all the time. She remembers the hot chocolate and how he made Portsmouth sound so pretty.
What were her dad’s assets? His magic? His stories? She knows his liabilities.
The dad and little boy clear away their plates. The café empties, until it’s only a few people coming in for coffee. Sam has to tell them there are no muffins left. There are never enough to last all day. In the glass case there is just one glazed donut sitting lonely.
Justin texts, how did it go, and she says, okay homework already. He writes, can I meet u? She says she has to help at home.
She makes dinner for Noah because Courtney is working late. Dinner is ravioli, and she talks to Justin on the phone while she is waiting for the water to boil. She tells him about Mary Witchy.
He says, “Is that really her name?”
She tells Justin about statistics. “The book is like twenty pounds.” She tells him how you can’t use your computer during lecture. And how the art students were drawing their tiny ink cartoons. She does not tell him about the little boy sitting with his dad. She can’t bring herself to mention that.
He says, “Do you want to come here after dinner? We’re having ice cream.”
She says, “No, that’s okay.”
She eats dinner with Noah, and he won’t do his homework. She heaves her stats textbook onto the table and says, “Look what I’ve got. You have it easy.”
He ignores her and she tries to read, as if she is actually more motivated than he is.
Evening light fills the apartment, and she rests her feet on the chair next to her. The pages of her open book look very white there on the table. It is almost eight and Courtney is still at Staples. As her dad used to say, Your mom is one hardworking lady.
She remembers a lot of things her dad would say.
She remembers Poems While U Wait. Her dad said words are tools and she thought of screwdrivers and hammers.
She remembers the white rabbit her dad would pull out of his hat. When Sam was small, she believed that trick, and when she was a little older, she half believed, because the rabbit could disappear and reappear for other people, but she knew his name was Benjamin and he was always visible to her. And then eventually, Sam understood her dad was just performing.
She remembers Topsfield. How her dad wrapped her in the blanket in the car and she was already thinking about next time. That’s how it is when you are little. You think you get to do good things forever.
Her mom knew better. Her mom always knew.
So, listen to her, Sam thinks now. Just read the chapter. But when she stares at the white pages, she does not read a single word.
She wakes with a start when her mom walks in.
“Hey, how was it?” Courtney asks.
“Okay.”
Her mom stands there with her hand on Sam’s shoulder. “The first day is the hardest.”
“She was sleeping,” Noah announces from the couch.
“He never did his homework,” Sam reports in turn.
“I’ll help him. You rest,” her mom tells her. “Just go lie down.” She practically drags Sam to her room.
As soon as Sam sees her bed, she falls into it face-first.
53
She has done hard things before. She has climbed gnarly boulders and banged her knees and cut her hand. She has hung on to a ledge and pulled up, straining every muscle. This is different. She is worn out in her heart and mind.
In accounting, Witchy’s favorite equation is Success = Effort + Time.
“Do you think that’s true?” Sam asks everybody when they’re smoking out at Red Rocks.
“Yeah, definitely,” says Justin.
But Amber disagrees. “People always say that, but actually you can work and work forever, and it doesn’t help. You don’t get anywhere.”
“Always look on the bright side,” says Sean.
“Well,” says Amber. “It’s the truth.”
Kyle says, “Maybe it depends on the job.”
Sam adds, “Or the person.”
“There’s talent!” Amber says. “It should be Success equals Effort plus Talent plus what’s the other one?”
“Time.”
“Look at Bolt here,” Kyle says. “I tried to teach him tricks. He never learned anything.”
“What? Are you saying he’s not talented?” says Justin. “Come here, boy.”
“You’re the one without the talent,” Sean teases Kyle.
They are all sitting on the ground and Sam is sitting between Justin’s legs. Amber tells them get a room.
Justin risks even more teasing, leaning over Sam. “Maybe I should take you home.” She is so sleepy in the smoke.
She says, “No, I’m okay.”
Courtney says Sam should cut back her hours at work and concentrate on school. But Sam has already cut back at UPS and she needs cash. How else will she pay for gas and car repairs—not to mention stuff she might actually want, like climbing shoes?
“Can’t you just take one class at a time?” Amber says now.
Sam says, “Yeah, but then I’d be in school the rest of my life.”
Amber considers this. “Okay, that’s fair.”
“You got this,” Sean cheers Sam.
“Get it over with,” says Kyle.
“It’s not all bad,” Sam says. “I’m taking an elective.”
The way it happened was one day she looked through the glass wall and saw a guy showing one of those volcano videos. The room was dark, but the instructor saw Sam watching. He looked straight at her and she shrank back. Then he beckoned, and she slipped inside the door.
“Come join us,” the instructor said. There were only a handful of students, so maybe he was trying to recruit one more. “If you are looking for Earth Science, this is the place.”
His name is Professor Martin Green, but he goes by Doc Martin. That first day he talked about how the whole world was in flux, which made her think of bubbling cheese pizza and Dynamic Earth. He said, You can’t even keep up with the maps. Some islands are growing. Some are disappearing. Climate change is heating up the earth and causing sea levels to rise, but at the same time, after a volcano erupts, the ocean cools and sea levels decrease.
Then all at once, Sam asked a question without even realizing it. “So, do they equal out?” Doc Martin looked at her like oh hello! and Sam was embarrassed—but she had to ask. “Do climate change and cooling oceans cancel each other?”
“Good question,” said Doc Martin. “They do not. The ocean cools after a volcano erupts, but climate change keeps heating continuously. This is the kind of thing we try to measure.”
Then after class, Doc Martin came up to Sam and said, “Good to meet you!” He was tall and heavy with a big beard. He wore a checked shirt, but the checks were tiny compared to him.
“Hi, I’m Sam,” she said, and then she confessed, “I am not registered.”
Doc Martin said, “Well, we can change that.”
“I’m taking Earth Science,” Sam tells everybody now.
“Why?” says Amber.
“It’s my liberal art.”
“No wonder you’re so tired.”
“Something’s gotta give,” says Kyle.
“But it’s the only one I like.”
“What’s it about?” asks Amber.
“The first lecture was global warming.”
“Good times,” Sean says.
They feel bad for her because she is running around trying to take so many classes. She works a lot of weekends, so when she finally shows up with Justin at Red Rocks, everybody says, Oh look who’s here! Sometimes Sam thinks Sean, Kyle, and Amber are annoyed with her. Maybe they think she is a coward just doing what her mom wants. Or maybe they are offended that they see less of Justin, now that Sam is with him.
They are all still friends, but it is not the same. It’s a lot more Oh hey Sam, you decided to come visit! And they look happier to see Justin. She doesn’t think it’s her imagination.
It’s like that with Noah too, because so many nights she is with Justin. Noah doesn’t say I miss you—but he does not want her helping with his homework. When she asks him questions he ignores her. As soon as she sits on the couch next to him, he will take off for his room.
“Noah,” she says, “come back.”
He doesn’t answer.
One night when Courtney is working late and they are eating hamburgers together, Sam asks Noah, “How come you don’t even talk to me anymore?”
He says, “What’s the point?”
And then she sits there quietly because she knows what he means. What’s the point if you are always leaving?
54
Sam is in school for a reason, but geology keeps luring her.
“What is that book?” Ann asks, when she sees Sam reading at the kitchen table.
“Earth Science.”
“Oh, how interesting!”
“I should be practicing QuickBooks,” Sam admits.
Accounting is important; it’s how you get a job. It is money and cash flow and record keeping. Witchy says, “Accounting makes the world go round!” But geology is the world for real—the earth under your feet. It is where you are and what is happening. Accounting is keeping score. You take this, I give you that. You borrow this. I owe you that. You learn how to write up balance sheets—but in geology you learn about the planet before money existed or humans ever lived.
In October, Sam’s class drives out to Red Rocks to discuss how glaciers carved out the landscape. They hike in together, and Sam doesn’t even realize it, but after just a few minutes, she is up front leading the way.
Doc Martin says, “You know the trail, don’t you?”
“Yes.” She almost says she is a climber, but then she is too shy to mention it.
Doc Martin uses hiking poles, which is funny because it is not exactly rough terrain. On the other hand, he can point at interesting rocks with them. He looks back to make sure the group is all together. “Where’s Colleen?”
Sam says, “I’ll check on her.”
Colleen is a super-heavy woman who is already out of breath. Sam finds her way behind, leaning against a tree.
“We’re almost there,” Sam encourages her.
“I’m good,” Colleen says. “I’ll wait for you guys.”
“No, don’t stay here by yourself.”
“It’s my knee,” says Colleen.
“You can do it! Lean on me.” Sam coaxes Colleen all the way up the trail, where everybody has gathered round to talk about the glacial plane.
They talk about what makes a boulder erratic, and Sam can’t stop smiling.
“You’re so happy,” Colleen tells her. Colleen’s face is red, and she is drinking from her water bottle. She has a lot of allergies.
Sam says, “Because look how beautiful it is.” A single gold leaf floats to the ground and Sam is curious and glad—like What will happen next? What will we see? It’s just so cool to find out the backstory of the ground beneath your feet. It’s like you have X-ray vision through the leaves and lichen, underneath the moss and toadstools down to the granite with its tiny crystals. Her dad was right—there are jewels everywhere if you just pay attention.
Meanwhile, when Sam gets back her unit test in accounting, she gets a 79.
“That’s not so bad,” says Justin.
“It’s my fault, because I didn’t make myself study.”
He looks at her like he doesn’t understand that concept. “Why would you have to make yourself learn something?”
“Because I’m not interested in it.”
“So maybe bookkeeping is not your thing.”
“It is my thing,” she says, because this is what she came to college for.
When Courtney calls, Sam lets her talk and talk, because she does not want to say anything about school.
Courtney says, “I’m trying to start a rule where Noah can’t play his game until he does his work.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Well, I’m trying anyway. Could you make sure you remind him?”
“He won’t even look at me. He hates me now.”
“He does not.”
“Okay, he’s annoyed with me.”
Sam can hear her mom thinking. Then Courtney says, “You know what would help?”
“What?”
“If he met Justin.”
Sam almost laughs because her mom is relentless. “You’re amazing.”
Courtney reasons, “If he sees Justin, it won’t seem like you’re disappearing into some black hole.”
“Dinner is not going to help anything.”
“Yes, it will,” says Courtney.
* * *
—
Sunday evening, Sam leads the way to the apartment. Justin is holding purple dahlias for Sam’s mom, as if this will win her heart completely—and it’s weird because it almost does. Sam is wearing an old sweater, but Justin is in jeans and a button-down shirt, and also a black vest, and he has brushed his hair. Courtney says, “I love the vest! You look Victorian.”
Then at dinner, she serves lasagna and sits next to Justin. Sam sits across from Justin and Noah sits across from Courtney.
“You could grow rosemary,” Justin tells Courtney. He is thinking about what she might grow next summer on the balcony, and he is talking to Noah about hockey, which makes Courtney smile. Sam feels like her mom is checking boxes.
Dahlias (!)
Vest
Gardening advice
Ice hockey
He and Noah talk about the Bruins, and Justin knows so much that Courtney says, “Did you play in school?” This is her way of asking, So what about college, what did you study, what are you doing with your life?
Justin answers Courtney, but he keeps his eyes on Sam. “I’m just a fan.”
Courtney says, “I hear that you’re a gardener.”
He says, “Yeah, I work part-time for my uncle on lawn care, but mostly for myself.”
“He’s gardening in Gloucester,” Sam says.
Justin says, “For my great-grandma.” Underneath the table, he clamps Sam’s feet between his.
“It’s an acre,” Sam adds, so her mom won’t think the job is nothing.
Justin says, “We’ve got flowers, and fruit trees, and vegetables. We had a big garden over the summer.”
“And what about the winter?” Courtney asks. “What do you do then?”
“Snow shoveling and writing.”
“What do you write?”
“I keep a journal.”
Courtney looks at him blankly, like, A journal? Okaaay. A journal is not one of Courtney’s boxes. “A journal for yourself?”
Now Justin looks at her a little bit confused, like who else would he keep a journal for? He says, “Yeah, I’m not going to publish it or anything.”
“Noah!” Courtney says. “Come back to the table.”
Noah doesn’t listen. He is on the couch with his computer as always. But Justin goes over there and sits next to him. He says, “Oh, I love that game.”
“Do you play?” Noah asks.
“I used to.”
So, Noah starts showing Justin his city, and Courtney tells Sam, “Do you still want that fleece?”
In the bedroom, Courtney pulls out flat storage bins from underneath Sam’s bed. “Where is it?”
“Mom,” Sam says, because Courtney is so transparent, taking her into the other room and closing the door to talk to her alone. “I don’t need a fleece. It’s not even cold yet.”
