The New Girl, page 1
THE NEW GIRL
ALISON STOCKHAM
To my daughters – for reminding me always, what is most important
CONTENTS
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
More From Alison Stockham
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Also by Alison Stockham
The Murder List
About Boldwood Books
1
‘Was it really that awful? It was supposed to be a romantic trip away. What went wrong?’
‘So awful. Honestly, it was…’ Anna shuddered. ‘I could just feel the pressure of what it was supposed to be and it made it so hard to actually relax. It was like I was watching myself playing the part of the thrilled, surprised wife being pampered by her thoughtful and loving husband.’
She wrapped her hands around her cup of coffee as she sat opposite her friend, Kate. They’d taken the corner booth at the local coffee shop that they always met in. It was halfway between both their offices, and they met for lunch once a week without fail. Fitting it in was difficult around their commitments with work, with Jon and the church, but the weekly lunches were a lifeline for Anna. She could be wholly honest with Kate. Or, at least as honest as she could be with anyone. She looked into the cup as she blew air out of her cheeks. The holiday had been horrendous. Jon had whisked her away on a romantic trip to Italy, her favourite country. He’d booked a glorious hotel in the centre of Rome, a stone’s throw from the stunning Spanish Steps, and they’d spent time just meandering around the city hand in hand, drinking in the architecture, the history and the wine. It should have been wonderful. It was supposed to have been a break from everything, from the stresses of setting up their own printing business, to the emotional turmoil of their as yet unsuccessful attempts to conceive. A reset. A fresh start.
‘What happened?’ Kate asked, looking pained on Anna’s behalf. She knew almost all there was to know about Anna and Jon, having been his friend first, being part of the same church community and having been the one who’d introduced them to each other.
‘I got food poisoning.’
‘Oh. That’s not good.’
‘Oh, that would have been OK. It wasn’t so bad. A day at most and I was fine. It was probably some off wine or something. But I was sick and tired. And Jon…’
‘…thought you might be…’
‘Exactly. I tried to tell him I wasn’t pregnant. I knew I wasn’t. Stomach pains and clammy skin are not signs of having conceived. But he wouldn’t listen. You could practically see the hope shimmering in his eyes. He was all “well, you know, it might be, maybe we should test.” We, like it was him trying to read instructions in a language he didn’t understand, though they’re basically all the same. Him, trying to wee on a stick whilst still feeling really shaky.’
‘Oh, honey.’
‘Yeah. And I knew it would be negative but the only way to stop him hoping, to stop him running away with himself in his head, was to disappoint him. Again. Like I’ve been disappointing him for years now.’ Anna hung her head, looking at her jiggling feet.
‘No,’ Kate said firmly. ‘You know that you are not a disappointment to him. The situation maybe, but you? Never. He loves you.’
‘Does he?’ Anna said bitterly.
In the aftermath of the negative test, they had barely spoken to each other. Not properly. Just surface level chat. The previous days of spending time trying to just enjoy each other’s company in beautiful settings, the romance, the joie de vivre, had been replaced by two people who seemed to have nothing to say to each other. He touched her, she flinched. Terrified that he would immediately move from disappointed to trying again as he had done before. Like she was nothing more than a baby machine, who, if you just kept trying, would eventually produce one. Not like she was a human being who had to have time to process things, to emotionally deal with things before being able to move forward.
‘Yes,’ Kate insisted. ‘Look. I know he can be intense about the whole baby thing. He’s wanted to be a dad his whole life. But…’
‘I know. I know it’s all he wants. And his first wife and their baby who… And now me?’
‘It’s not all he wants. Just sometimes, I think he finds it hard…’
‘I find it hard too.’
The weekend would have been the perfect time to try again. Jon had clearly spent a long time planning the surprise, whisking them away one Friday afternoon. He’d picked a beautiful boutique hotel with rooms that were spacious and luxurious, and you could just be in and feel amazing. It was quiet despite being central and every day they’d enjoyed breakfast in their room on their balcony overlooking the city as it woke up. And yet, Anna had been on edge. She had known the expectation and she had struggled to make it feel less forced to her. He wanted a family so much. She wasn’t sure it was the cure-all he thought it was. She didn’t know if she could have a baby. Another baby.
‘I know, hon, I know.’
‘Do you?’ Anna snapped before apologising. Kate nodded her acceptance, acknowledging that she, in fact, did not know. ‘I know Jon lost a child when his pregnant wife died in that awful car crash. I know it was horrific for him. But… I lost my baby too. And I had nine months of feeling it growing inside me. Nine months of feeling like I was going to be a mother, feeling like I already was, and then? Nothing. No baby. I was not a mother any more.’
Kate reached across and squeezed Anna’s hand.
‘Hon, I know it’s hard to talk about it… I… How…’ Kate tried to ask with trepidation.
Anna shook her head. She’d never told Kate the whole story. It was too much. It was bad enough that she felt her best friend was sort of on Jon’s side, or was at least neutral. She didn’t think she could cope with Kate knowing everything, and the possibility of her then taking a step back. Anna didn’t have many friends as it was. She couldn’t lose Kate. She also couldn’t undo the past; she could merely try to survive it. So she pushed all of it to one side and locked it up in a box that she refused to open. But the hinges of that locked box were straining now. All these years later, although in all intents and purposes she was happy, it kept coming back up to haunt her.
‘We sort of rescued each other. We saw the same pain in each other. Now? I wonder if we’re just making that pain worse.’ Anna chewed her lip. She needed Kate to tell her she was wrong, to tell her that her marriage wasn’t in trouble. That the only solid part of her life was in fact still strong, weathering everything life could throw at it. She looked up at Kate, trying not to look too desperate.
‘Oh, come on now,’ Kate said, as brusque as Mary Poppins. ‘Now you’re just being melodramatic. You two are meant for each other. Obviously you have both experienced trauma, and that could be a bad combination, but you two, you heal each other. Like you said, he is a good man. You are a good woman. I know you’re not the most confident. When we first met it took you almost a month just to look at me when you were talking. I know I don’t know all the details, but I know enough about you and I know enough about Jon to know that you’re bigger than this. You mean more to him than just your ability to procreate. Besides’ – a mischievous grin spread over her face – ‘if that were the case, he’d have picked someone younger, no?’ She laughed, trying to lighten the mood that was in danger of darkening the whole day for them both.
‘Oi! How rude!’ Anna laughed along with her, relieved that Kate had told her she was wrong but feeling a slight ache at the base truth of her joke. She was thirty-seven, he was forty-three; they didn’t have a huge amount of time before their ages were against them. She didn’t know if Jon felt the ticking clock, but she knew she did. She was running out of time to give him something she didn’t know she could ever give. Something, that if she was being honest with herself, she didn’t truly want. She wanted it for him but didn’t know if she really wanted it for herself. She didn’t think she wanted to find out. There were so many complications, so many threads all tied up and put away, that to untangle them all was too much. She smiled and threw her napkin at Kate, who caught it, laughed and handed it back.
‘I’m allowed to joke that, cos I’m older than you. Honestly though, try not to stress. Jon loves you, you are enough for him, you deserve him and he deserves you. Your business is going from strength to strength and life is good, no? Why not focus on that?’
‘I know. Things are good. We’re busy but the business is still growing. The new website has really taken off, we’re getting a whole new customer base which is great, but I’m so busy with the admin, I’m struggling to do the designing, which was the whole point. I’m absolutely shattered!’ She winced, holding up the largest cup of coffee that the café sold. ‘I’m living on caffeine, sugar and stress which can’t be good for me. Jon keeps trying to suggest I switch to green tea but I need the coffee boost to keep at it.’
‘Is there any end in sight? Any way you can take your foot off the pedal a bit? I mean, baby making or not, being shattered all the time isn’t fun.’
Anna nodded. She knew they had to make some changes, but it felt like they didn’t have enough time to put the changes in place without dropping balls to do it, which felt counterproductive. She was really proud of the business. She was using her finance brain and her design brain and felt in control of her career for the first time. She’d had so much of her life out of her control, it felt good to have this one bit sorted. She was her own boss; she was good at what she did and she knew it. Maybe this was what she was supposed to be doing with her life. Maybe this was her purpose. She just didn’t think Jon would feel the same. She knew he didn’t, and it was this aspect of the whole baby issue that was causing all the rows.
‘I could but…’
‘But what?’
‘Well…’ Anna paused as she tried to work out what she meant. ‘Well, I’m not sure I want to. I like being in the thick of things, and it won’t be forever, will it? I mean, this leap in sales. If it continues, then sure, we’d need to think about staff, but for now, I feel like we should just ride the wave and see where it goes?’
‘Yeah, just don’t let it drag you under, OK? You’ve got bags under your bags, love. Sorry but it’s true. I’m not being mean, I’m just a bit worried. We rescheduled this lunch three times…’
‘That was my supplier moving our meeting. Sorry. I’m here now though, aren’t I?’ she snapped, a little too defensively. Trying to be everything to everyone was difficult. How on earth would they ever cope if they did have a child?
‘I know. I’m just looking out for you. That’s all.’
Anna smiled. People cared about her. She was lucky. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. Must be the caffeine rage.’
‘Green tea?’ Kate laughed and Anna joined in.
Things were good, or at least good enough. Did she really want to rock the boat? Couldn’t things stay as they were? If everyone really was happy enough with things, why did they want to make changes? Change wasn’t always a good thing; sometimes change was what brought things crashing down. Anna was only too aware of that.
2
The office was loud as Anna walked back through the door, carrying a green tea for herself and lunch for Jon. They couldn’t both leave the office at the same time so on the days she met Kate, Anna brought food back for him. He was talking on one phone while the other line was ringing out. Another postal delivery had come while Anna had been away and her desk was hiding under a layer of parcels and letters. As she looked at the chaos and felt the tension in the room, the doorbell went and Jon’s head snapped up, the stress clear on his face as he motioned with his head for Anna to get it. She nodded in acquiescence, put the lunch items down and headed to meet the courier.
Jon was just hanging up as Anna came back into the shared office space with a large heavy box. He leapt up to help her carry it.
‘Let me.’
‘It’s fine, I’m OK.’
‘I’ve got it,’ he said as Anna felt the weight of the box lift off her arms.
‘Oh, OK… Thanks.’
‘You should have left it for me to come and carry. This weighs a ton.’
‘It’s just the ink samples. And it’s starting to rain. I didn’t want to leave them outside and the courier wouldn’t bring the parcel in. Once I was carrying it, it seemed silly to just leave it by the door. But it got heavier as I held it, I swear!’ Anna laughed, rubbing the parts of her arms reddened from carrying the box. Every time Jon offered to carry something heavy, she assumed it was because he thought she might be pregnant. She knew this was ridiculous. He was just being courteous.
‘Shall we take a look while I have lunch? Thanks for that by the way. What did I get today?’ Jon asked as his stomach rumbled, looking over at Anna’s desk.
‘Toasted BLT, is that OK?’
‘Perfect – thanks.’
He grabbed his lunch and sat back down, ripping open the brown paper bag, sending a smell of hot bread and bacon wafting around the office. Anna was envious. She’d had a salad but the warm carby smell was making her mouth water. He took large ravenous bites of the sandwich, closing his eyes in appreciation. Anna watched him. He was so… solid. He was real. He was open. He just was himself. It was one of the many things that she loved about him. After years growing up with people never meaning what they said, or voicing what they were thinking, Jon’s openness with the world, his ability to just be within it, was what drew her to him. There were no pretences, no hidden agendas. He was just solidly him. That did mean that any tensions they had usually came right out into the open. She preferred to push them away, but he wanted to deal with things. His way was healthier, she knew that, but a lifetime of conflict avoidance and people pleasing had left her at a disadvantage.
‘Do I have something on my face?’ He smiled at her, wiping at his cheeks with the napkin that the café had packaged with the sandwich. ‘Sorry, I was just so hungry. Breakfast was an age ago!’
Anna smiled, snapping out of her reverie. She wanted to say something nice. ‘No, no, just looking at my husband and wondering how I got so lucky.’
He smiled back.
‘Karma,’ he replied.
‘Obviously,’ she said, winking at him, trying to keep the mood light.
Was he her karmic reward for overcoming adversity? When things were good, she felt maybe this was true. That she’d been through hell and kept on going, coming out the other side, and this, a loving husband, was her reward. Other times, when they did row, when they seemed so at odds with each other over what they wanted, she wondered if it was karma kicking her in the ass for all the bad choices she’d made. Giving her almost what she wanted, but not quite. Making things one step away from perfect, like the tantalising hanging fruit being just out of reach, water just beyond her lips. After all, karma went both ways, didn’t it? That’s what was so awfully delicious about it.
Anna walked to her desk to start sorting through the post. Their offices were in an industrial estate, but they’d tried to make them look as welcoming as they could. It was sort of an urban chic look – all granite floors and breeze block walls, iron girders and metal stairs – but Anna had added plants which hung from the ceiling and huge bushy ones in pots that broke up all the harsh greys and blacks with flashes of green. Jon had said it was a waste of money, but Anna had said that if they were going to spend so much time here, it had to be somewhere they wanted to be, without feeling like they were trapped in some B-movie prison set. And spend so much time there they did – they worked long hours, six, sometimes seven days a week. And still, the to-do list was overwhelming.
Anna couldn’t hold her loud sigh in as she filtered through the post and the filing piles. There was so much to do and all this essential business stuff kept getting pushed and pushed aside as they fulfilled their orders. They nearly forgot to pay an essential invoice last month and it had been touch and go as to whether they would have had to stop working until it was sorted. All the utilities were on direct debit but the invoices in and out took up so much time. Time the two of them didn’t have.
‘Yes. I agree,’ Jon said out of the blue.
‘To what?’ Anna was confused. Was he referring back to her comment on karma? Or something else? Had he been talking and she’d been so engrossed trying to work out where to start that she’d missed something?
‘We need help,’ he said, gesturing to the piles of paperwork that Anna was grimacing at. ‘You and I need to free up admin time to get on with the other things. We need an assistant or a bookkeeper or something. We live in this place and as nice as you’ve made it, I’d quite like to see our house from time to time too.’
Anna winced. It was true. But she felt wrong bringing someone else in. This was their own little bubble, just the two of them. Someone else would change the atmosphere, wouldn’t they? They might judge the decisions that Jon and she made. Would they think they were ridiculous for their little printing empire dreams? She was confident they could really make something of this – they were still growing – and yet her lack of self-esteem sometimes told her she was being stupid, she didn’t have what it took to run her own business, and she didn’t know if someone else being here would make that voice louder than it already was. And as it was, there were already days when it screamed at her.
