Casual Cruelties, page 15
He spoke quietly, almost as if to himself. ‘I’m really glad we can be friends again, Laura.’ My heart stilled for a moment. Reaching forward, he touched my hair and tucked a strand of it behind my ear. My too-flat ear that I usually tried to hide. ‘I meant it when I said you haven’t changed at all. You’re still that same girl who turned my head in school. You’re the one that got away.’
Impulsively I reached up and held the palm of my hand to his cheek. There was no denying the attraction between us. It was not just a figment of my imagination. I felt a yearning within me for the first time in years. But I had to pull back, as I couldn’t make my awful situation with James worse by adding an affair to the mix.
‘Thanks for a lovely day,’ I repeated stupidly. ‘I’m so glad you’re as amazing and understanding as you are.’
I had to leave before I said or did something I would regret later. Promptly I turned on my heel and got into my Mini without looking back. But inside I was delighted.
I think he likes me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
After our walk along the beach, I really wanted to see Sam again. But I knew that I had to be careful or I could be in trouble. Instead, I went to work, then ran a few miles in the evenings to try and forget his touch, the tenderness in his eyes as he told me he was glad we were friends again. Lying in bed each night, I closed my eyes and saw dimples. Biceps. Kindness reflected in sapphire-blue eyes.
My mother-in-law had rung me to ask if I’d wanted to get together while James was in Majorca, so we met for an early dinner in a city centre restaurant on Wednesday after work. Heather asked me how I was finding being home alone, and I found it difficult to look her in the eye and lie that I was missing James. Swallowing down my discomfort, I pretended that I was looking forward to seeing him, but the words stuck slightly in my throat. I regretted having to lie to her, but I had no option.
For I was dreading James’s return on Saturday night, and couldn’t say no when Sam messaged to ask if I wanted to go to the Ulster Museum on Saturday morning. He added, teasing:
Knowing your love of history, I’m hoping you can educate me a bit.
I replied:
I’ll bore you stupid about all the fascinating exhibits.
I was like a silly schoolgirl with her first crush.
I changed my clothes several times before I took the bus into Belfast. One last day to myself before my husband was due home. I’d chosen teal cargo trousers, a white T-shirt and a sea-green cardigan, with my ancient denim jacket on top.
On the walk up from the Europa bus station to the museum, I enjoyed the bright day, weak sunshine and warmth in the air that heralded early summer. Passing through Shaftsbury Square, I was reminded of my student days at Queen’s University. How quickly my time there had passed as I spent every spare moment with James. How in thrall I was to this exotic city boy, at odds with the country boys of my youth.
I wished now that I could talk to my younger self, knowing I would say ‘All that glitters is not gold. Take a breath before committing your life to him.’ But as I made my way through the lush Botanic Gardens, I reminded myself that if I hadn’t met and fallen for James, I would never have my son. No matter what was happening with us as a couple, we would always have Robbie in common.
Quickly I glanced around to ensure there was no one nearby that I recognised and stood in the foyer of the museum waiting impatiently for Sam to arrive. It was only a few minutes, but they seemed to drag past until I caught sight of silver hair and little round glasses. My heart beat a little faster as I watched him unnoticed.
He smiled kindly at a frazzled-looking woman dragging two reluctant children in her wake before he spotted me lurking in the corner and his smile grew warmer. Making his way over to me, he stopped to pick up an information leaflet from the stand.
‘Hello. Ready for an exciting morning of dinosaurs, meteorites, mummies and sailors?’ he asked, dimples enticing me.
‘Nothing quite like new perspectives on ancient Ireland,’ I replied, reading from the leaflet, feeling a warmth spread across my cheeks. We were standing stupidly beaming at each other so I suggested we pay and start our tour.
I have no idea what we looked at for I was acutely aware of the nearness of him, his deep laugh, his witty comments. Forgetting to keep a wary eye out for anyone I knew, we browsed our way around the exhibits in record time. I could have been looking at anything, I simply didn’t care. If he had suggested going to an exhibition of crochet blankets I would have agreed. Occasionally we stood together so we were almost touching, but not quite.
The illicit pleasure of being so close yet so far was intoxicating.
Before long we stopped pretending that we were engrossed in the exhibits and bought takeaway coffees from the café. The sun had broken through the clouds as we went outside and made our way into the Botanic Gardens. Conversation flowed as we passed the palm house, that great cast-iron glasshouse; the rose beds which were already a riot of colour; and groups of friends huddled together. We settled under a large, leafy tree.
‘Did you come here as a student at Queen’s?’ he asked, lying back on the grass.
‘All the time if the weather was warm. I love to wander through now as well,’ I answered, settling beside him. ‘City life bustles past, but in here you could be anywhere. I love the calmness against the chaos of life.’
‘I’ve only been here a couple of times before.’ He lay beside me, close but not touching. If I crept my fingers a fraction of an inch to the left, we would be. I felt parts of me tingle that hadn’t tingled in forever.
‘I’m only getting to find out what Belfast offers since moving back. For so long it wasn’t exactly at the top of anyone’s tourist list, but it’s like a different world now.’
‘You need to do the tourist Hop-on Hop-off bus tour then,’ I murmured while shading my eyes against the brightness of the sun. I could feel the heat of his body tantalisingly close.
‘Maybe we could do it together one day?’ he remarked casually.
Tilting my head, I looked at him. He was so close now I could smell his aftershave. I found I could barely speak. Instead, my eyes were drawn to his mouth, until with an effort I raised them to his.
‘I don’t know, maybe.’ I got my voice back as I turned my head away. Lowering my hand to the grass, my fingers grazed his and without thinking I left them there. I felt the softest touch as his finger slowly moved up mine to the sensitive skin on my inner wrist. Such a tiny thing but also the most erotic thing I had experienced in years. Decades. We lay beside each other in silence with our eyes closed and I felt the sweet flicker of longing. I involuntarily tensed to his touch as I held my breath, waiting to see what he would say or do next.
‘Sam, is that you?’ A booming voice broke the spell.
My eyes flew open to see a tall, slim man staring down at us.
Sam leapt to his feet and bade the interloper hello, shaking his hand and introducing us. ‘This is my colleague Mike. My friend Laura.’ He motioned to me.
I said hello as I sat up and felt unexpectedly guilty, as if we had been doing something reprehensible. It dawned on me that it could have been anyone strolling past us. How would I have explained myself if it had been someone I knew? As Sam chatted easily to his colleague, my phone vibrated in my bag. Using it as an opportunity not to have to stand up and talk to Mike, I reached for it and read the message.
Flight is on time. Will be home at around half past five. Will need dinner.
My heart sank. Back to the same soul-destroying routine of making dinner every night, asking permission to go out, long evenings at home with James watching my every move. A deep, black depression rolled over me, suffocating my very core. This past week had been a taste of independence, of lightness and laughter, of doing what I wanted when I wanted. Of answering to no one. It was as though the sun had broken through for a short time, but had been consumed by a blanket of thick, impermeable cloud stretching as far as the eye could see.
See you then
I texted back before despondently shoving my phone back into my bag. Mike was saying goodbye and I managed a polite wave before Sam sat back down beside me.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, concerned.
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ I lied. ‘But I need to think about getting home.’
‘Already?’ He looked crestfallen but then said, ‘No problem, if you need to.’
I wanted to scream, I don’t want to, I want to stay here all day with you and never have to go home again! But of course, I didn’t. He’d think I’d lost the plot if I did that. Instead, I made myself smile, as he stood up and reached out a hand to help me to my feet. I thanked him as I brushed off the back of my trousers, and we strolled over to a bin to throw the coffee cups into.
‘Did you drive?’ I asked. Parking spaces around the Queen’s area are notoriously scarce.
‘No, I got the train for a change.’
Damn, I should have got the train in and then we could have spent a bit longer together.
‘I need to walk down to the bus station so I’ll have to go this way.’ I pointed down the street towards the Europa Hotel, which had the dubious honour of being the most bombed hotel in the world.
‘And I need to go this way.’ Sam pointed behind me. We stood at the junction with the red brick of the main university building to our right, sunlight dappling through the trees and looked at each other.
‘Thanks for the tour of the museum. I think we may have raced through it in record time.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘Laura, if this is too difficult when James comes home then I will understand.’ Sam was looking intently at me.
‘We’re just friends,’ I said firmly, quashing my fears and my hopes along with them. ‘Although I don’t think I’ll be inviting you around for a drink with James any time soon. Not sure he’d appreciate that!’ I grimaced a little at that.
‘Good. I’ll be in touch?’
We parted without touching and I mooched along the street thinking about how happy I felt when I was in Sam’s company, and how unhappy I felt at the thought of James coming home. By the time I had reached the bus station, I had decided nothing. It was as though I was incapable of making even the slightest decision about my future or my marriage.
I watched the city zip past from the bus window a short time later, and did accept that I couldn’t stay forever in this state of misery. Robbie was going to be graduating at the end of June and hopefully would be successful in getting a job, so we wouldn’t need to support him anymore. He wanted to live with his friends in Belfast, so he wouldn’t be at home to act as a buffer to mask our problems.
There were only five more weeks of school then I would have the long break throughout July and August to help make my decision. By the time summer was easing into early autumn, I was determined to have made some sort of choice. Should I stay or should I go? Giving myself the next few months to see if it was possible to rescue my marriage or not, I would be better prepared to face the future.
One thing I knew for certain. I couldn’t factor Sam into this. He might be a catalyst for a life change, but I couldn’t make this out to be more than it was at the minute. If I was going to leave James, it had to be for the right reasons and not because a tall, blue-eyed blast from my past had reappeared in my life.
Even if he did make me feel better about myself than I had for years.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
It was just after five o’clock and I was sitting in the living room waiting on James’s return. I felt anxious and uncertain about what mood he would be in, and if he would continue to sulk about our finances. He hadn’t phoned me at all in the past week and only sent a few short texts, which was unlike him.
On the rare occasions he was away from home he normally rang each evening to ensure I was all right. Did he think I’d been fretting all week about him and his bad mood? Little did he know that I’d had a complete ball, putting food waste in the black bin and living on cheese on toast in the evening. I’m a girl who knows how to party hard.
Soon the taxi drew up in front of the house, and my handsome, tanned husband appeared from the back seat. Dispassionately I watched as the taxi driver unloaded his suitcase and bike case from the boot. Laughing and shaking his hand, I could see charming James in full flow. The façade of bonhomie as ever.
He made his way to the front door, while I waited restlessly in the hall.
‘Laura, my darling,’ he announced as he came through the door. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’ Opening his arms wide, he pulled me into a tight hug, as though there had been no issue at all before he left. After a minute he released me and bent down to give me a kiss on the cheek. ‘Did you miss me or were you too busy going out with your friends?’ he asked lightly.
‘Of course I missed you.’ The fib slipped out effortlessly. ‘Are you hungry?’
‘No, I ate on the plane,’ he replied, waiting to see if I would make a fuss. He had deliberately sent that text earlier, ensuring I would have his dinner ready for him coming home.
Always playing games.
‘No problem,’ I retorted sweetly. ‘I’ll do the chicken stir fry for myself then.’
Smirking coolly in response, he left his suitcase in the hallway before taking his bike case through into the garage to unpack it. While he fondled and stroked his bike, I cooked myself the stir fry in the wok before opening a bottle of Pinot.
‘Would you like a glass?’ I offered, as he reappeared in the kitchen. ‘Then you can tell me all about your week.’
‘Yes please.’ He took the glass from my hand as he settled himself at the table.
For the next hour I listened with half an ear as he regaled me with stories about the steep hairpin climbs, vertiginous sea views and lush scenery. He was animated and relaxed, although he complained about the food, as he’d been suffering from indigestion all week. I saw traces of the man I had fallen in love with and it seemed the trip had broken down some of the barriers that we had jointly erected. I felt great relief that I was enjoying his company again.
It didn’t even bother me a short time later, when he took me by the hand and led me upstairs and into his bedroom. I was able to participate without thinking about dimples. Or biceps.
The following evening, we had our weekly phone call with Robbie, who only had one last exam left to do.
‘I’ve got news for you,’ he said excitedly. ‘I’ve been offered a job in Belfast with GJG, the engineering firm. I just heard for definite this week. Provided I pass my degree of course.’ He was overjoyed and I could have wept I was so pleased for him. He would be coming home!
Even James was thrilled for him, though he did make a snide little comment about Robbie having to pay his own way once he was back with us. I didn’t confide in him that Robbie wanted to live with his friends. I’d keep that to myself for another while. We discussed our trip to Stirling for his graduation at the end of June, when we would be moving him out of his flat and I felt an unfamiliar peace wash over me.
‘You’ll be pleased he’s coming home,’ said James after we hung up. I agreed cheerfully and then he continued blithely on. ‘Maybe your moods will settle down a bit now and you can give me some attention instead of always obsessing about Robbie.’
It hadn’t taken him long to start whining about my moods again. I ignored that comment, nodded and switched on the television. I wasn’t going to let him ruin my happiness tonight.
Somehow, we got on well enough over the next couple of weeks. It was coming to the end of the school year with summer tantalisingly close. School was filled with trips, sports day, little work and mostly play.
I had received a message from Sam to let me know his dad was going through a difficult time with his mum, and they were hoping to get her a respite place in a nursing home. I was concerned about them all and arranged to meet him for a supportive coffee after work. Selecting a day I knew I could get away a little earlier, I again drove into work rather than taking the train. If I was careful to keep an eye on the clock, I should be able to get home at the usual time and not arouse James’s suspicions.
We were meeting at the hospice coffee shop as before, and I was a few minutes early, so took the same seat in the corner as I had done the last time. I must have been getting better at the subterfuge, as I wasn’t nearly as worried as the last time, or as concerned about being spotted by someone I knew.
Sam was running late and when he arrived looked a bit frazzled. I supposed that he had been speaking with a patient or their relative, breaking bad news in a sympathetic manner and meeting me was taking up his precious time.
When I said as much, he replied, ‘You’re a bit of brightness in an otherwise dark day.’ He didn’t say any more, but I squeezed his hand and went up to the counter to order the coffees without asking what he wanted.
I no longer needed to.
We spoke about his parents and it was obvious that he was heartbroken about his mum. She had always been a vibrant, caring person who had juggled a busy home life with her job as a legal secretary.
‘Dad’s struggling to look after her at the minute, even with carers helping out,’ he said sadly. ‘He needs a break and Mum needs specialist nursing care, but I think just for a short time. There’s a couple of really good nursing homes close to them, so hopefully she will get a place in one of them soon.’
The time flew by and before I knew it, I had to leave. We stood facing each other in the car park and Sam thanked me for meeting him, saying it was good to talk with someone who knew his mum before her illness. I was itching to give him a hug but made do with a rather feeble wave and a promise to meet up again soon.
When I arrived home, I went straight upstairs to change into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt as the sun was shining, and I fancied sitting out in the garden before dinner. When I got back downstairs, my way was blocked by my husband.
