Out of the Blue, page 23
“I’m sorry, honey.” He tried to grasp her hand, but she moved out of his reach.
She wouldn’t be able to hold herself together if he touched her right now. “I’d always pictured my biological mom as someone who put me up for adoption because she wanted a better life for me, one she wouldn’t have been able to provide. As if maybe it was a teenage pregnancy situation or something like that. I could’ve forgiven her for that. But what I found instead was a drugged-out woman who had…” She choked back a sob welling in her throat.
After a moment, Adam’s low voice sounded. “Go on.”
She took a deep breath and let out the truth. “Twenty years before, this woman had traded her own newborn baby girl to a drug dealer just to get her next fix.”
The shocking words took him by surprise, and his eyes widened. “God,” Adam said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I was one of the lucky ones. If the person she had traded me to hadn’t been an undercover investigator running a drug sting operation, who knows what would’ve happened to me. Not that she would’ve cared. They put me in foster care, and my biological mother signed away her rights to me while still in jail. Because, in her own words, she had never wanted me, and I had been nothing more than a burden to her.” Her voice cracked.
Fire shot through Adam’s eyes. “That’s unforgivable.”
She nodded. “After telling me all of that, this woman then had the nerve to look me in the eye and ask if there was anything else she could help me with. As if she had done me a favor.” She breathed out a heavy sigh. “The only thing I could say was no…because she hadn’t really helped me to begin with. Then she dared to ask me if I had any money on me, as if I needed to pay her for her time.”
“You didn’t deserve that, sweetheart.”
“I know I didn’t. But on the drive home, I realized something. She had actually helped me, after all. Twice in my life, to be exact. When I was a baby, she had given me up by signing away her rights, which allowed me to be adopted by the best parents anyone could ever ask for. And twenty years later, this same woman told me the truth about how I ended up in foster care when she didn’t have to.” Her voice softened. “For those two things, I’ll always be grateful.”
He stared at her slack-jawed. “You’re a much kinder person than I am, Preslee. The way you look at things amazes me at times. I don’t know that I could be that forgiving.”
“It’s not easy. I wanted to hate her.”
“With good reason,” he said, nodding. “But I bet your dad was proud of how you handled that situation.”
More tears filled her eyes, and regret coursed through her. Damn it. She didn’t want Adam to see her looking so weak and defeated. In the past, he’d always brought out her strong side. She didn’t like feeling vulnerable in front of him. “I…didn’t tell my dad. He doesn’t even know that I found my bio mom.”
Confusion lit his eyes. “How come?”
She shrugged. “I was afraid that he would think that he wasn’t enough of a parent for me and that it was the reason I went looking for my biological mother in the first place. None of which is true. So I kept quiet.”
A frown crossed Adam’s face. “That’s not healthy, honey.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
“Why did you go looking for your biological mother?”
Preslee hesitated. “Because I wanted to know that she cared. That I mattered to her. To someone. But it was a lost cause. She never cared about me. Not when she left me in the arms of a supposed drug dealer who happened to be an undercover cop, not when she left me in foster care, and not when I was sitting in a diner eight years ago watching her walk away from me for the last time. The woman just didn’t give a damn.”
“Now something inside of you thinks everyone is going to leave. Like she did. And you blame yourself for that. Because why would anyone want you when your own biological mother didn’t even want you. Am I right?”
Her head snapped to him, her voice trembling. “What? No.”
“Yes,” he said, nodding slowly as if he was waiting for it to sink in. “That’s what you think. But it’s not true, Preslee. It’s not your fault that she left.”
“I never said it was.”
“You didn’t have to. But that is what you believe.”
Preslee held up a hand. “Okay, slow your roll, Dr. Phil. Stop trying to psychoanalyze me.”
“Why are you denying it?”
“Because it’s not true.”
His eyes gleamed. “Bullshit. That’s why you stopped kissing me too. You’re afraid.”
“Of what. A kiss?” Preslee rolled her eyes. “Get real.”
Adam lifted one brow. “No. But you’re afraid of something. What is it?”
She hesitated and licked her lips nervously as she glanced away. “Nothing. I just…don’t know.”
“Yeah, you do. Tell me what’s scaring you.” He surveyed her, confusion flashing in his eyes. But he must’ve seen the fear in her shaking body because he grasped her chin gently and turned her face fully up to his in order to look into her eyes. “Are you afraid that I’ll leave, Preslee? Tell me the truth.”
Overwhelmed, she didn’t speak. She couldn’t. Because he had hit the nail on the head, and the truth was cutting through her like a sharp blade. Her heart seized up inside her chest as tears began to leak onto her cheeks, but she didn’t speak.
“I’m right, aren’t I? You think that if we get involved, I’ll eventually leave. Like your mother did.”
She sniffed, swiping a tear from her cheek. “Like everyone does.”
His eyes filled with sympathy, which was exactly why she didn’t want to admit it to begin with. But then he smiled warmly, his eyes intense on hers. “I need you to understand something, Preslee. I’m not like everyone else.”
“Don’t say it. Don’t say something you don’t mean.”
He smiled. “I’m not going anywhere. Ever.”
Chapter Sixteen
Adam wasn’t going to let this go. It was too important. Preslee needed to believe that not everyone would leave her, and he was happy to be the one to deliver the message. Loud and clear. “Do you understand me, Preslee? I want you.”
She blinked her glassy blue eyes. “What do you mean?” she asked hesitantly, her voice low.
“You heard me. I. Want. You.”
She shook her head in disbelief or possibly denial. “You mean as friends.”
“No, I’m talking about these feelings I have for you.” He breathed out a heavy sigh. “Look, I’ve tried to ignore them because you’re my client. But it’s impossible to do anymore. Damn it, I’m too far gone.”
He kissed her temple, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair, before nibbling on her earlobe. One hand tangled into her soft hair and tugged gently, guiding her to tilt her head back as he slowly licked his way down her jawline, seeking her lush mouth. When he found it, her full lips were already parted, and he made a shallow sweep inside with his tongue. She immediately returned the gesture, and her fingernails scraped the back of his neck.
He was tempted to linger at her mouth but forced himself to pull back and look at her. Tension charged the atmosphere. The sweet innocence of her pretty face veiled her thoughts, but those glassy blue eyes gleamed with something wild as her pupils dilated. He ran the tip of his thumb over her bottom lip and swallowed hard. Man, he needed to know what she was thinking right now. Needed to know if she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
Adam opened his mouth to ask just that, but nothing came out. Silence sat between them like a disgruntled chaperone. What the hell? It was like his head was suddenly underwater, and he couldn’t breathe. He tried again. “Preslee, I…”
But the barest hint of a smile flirted with her mouth, and the words died on his lips. He couldn’t really ask her to sleep with him, could he? He didn’t think he’d ever wanted a woman this much in his life. And probably never would again.
Just ask her already.
All right. He could do this. Adam ran a shaky hand through his hair and then blew out a long, slow breath.
Here goes nothing. “Preslee, I…would like to, um…do you.”
Her eyes widened.
Oh dear God. Realizing what he said, Adam shook his head furiously. “No, that’s not what I meant. What I’m trying to say is that I want you to do me.”
Her mouth hinged open, and she blinked at him rapidly.
Nope. Not better.
So he spit out, “I mean, we’ll do each other.”
Holy shit. Stop fucking talking already.
Had he really just said that to her? How the hell did he mess that up? Out of all the things he could’ve chosen to say…
I want you in my bed.
Will you spend the night with me?
Please stay.
I want to make love to you.
Cringing, he glanced at her face to see her staring at him fixedly as one would a tragic car accident. One part morbid curiosity and one part sympathy for all parties involved.
He rubbed a large hand over his face and swore. “I’m sorry. That came out all wrong. Forget everything I just said. I didn’t mean any of it.”
An amused grin spread across her face until it reached her eyes. “So you don’t want to do me? Or me to do you? Or us to do each other?”
His eyes riveted to hers as her smile morphed into a smirk. “Are you enjoying making fun of me?”
“Yes, I am,” she said playfully, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. “But I was having a lot more fun before you so graciously offered to do me.”
He winced. “Sorry. Like I said, that came out horribly wrong.”
“Does the offer still stand?”
He chuckled. “Which one? I gave you three.”
“Any of them. Maybe all of them. I do like to keep my options open,” she said with a giggle. “In fact, I think maybe I’d like to try the ‘me doing you’ one first, if you don’t mind.”
He blinked. Did she mean…
He barely had time to brace himself for impact before Preslee threw herself at him. Literally and figuratively speaking. She pulled him close, and her mouth crashed against his. She kissed him with so much passion and fire and demand that he could barely catch his breath. When warm, feminine hands found their way under his Henley and onto his bare abs, his whole body went rigid.
She lifted his shirt over his head as he ducked to help her slide it off. The cool air from the air-conditioning chilled his torso, but it didn’t matter. At the moment, he was hotter than he’d ever been. But was she as affected as he was right now?
A random thought crossed his mind, and he shook his head adamantly. No. Don’t do it. Don’t you dare ask… “Are you wet for me?” he asked, his throaty voice sounding as if he’d chewed glass and then swallowed it.
Her long, dark eyelashes fluttered around those beautiful baby blues of hers, and her tongue darted out to lick her bottom lip. “Why don’t you find out for yourself?”
Oh, praise the Lord.
He yanked her into his bare chest. His erection pressed errantly into her stomach as his mouth took hers, his lips moving over hers at a frenzied pace. He shuffled her backward down the hallway toward his bedroom and didn’t stop moving until the back of her knees bumped into his bed. Then his hands reached for the hem of her shirt.
Preslee stiffened and placed her hands over his. “Uh, maybe we should…slow down a little.”
Huh. Okay. He hadn’t seen that coming. “All right,” he agreed easily, taking a step back. His hands itched to touch her again, but he kept them firmly planted at his sides. “Is something wrong?”
“No.”
He focused intently on her, staring deep into her eyes. “Preslee, if I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable…”
“No, it’s not that,” she said, shaking her head furiously. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I swear. It’s just…me.”
The expression on her face was unreadable, and he couldn’t gauge her current state of mind. But something had caused her to suddenly put a halt to things, and he wasn’t entirely sure what it was. That only worried him more. “It’s okay if you changed your mind. If you don’t want to—”
“No, that’s not it. I do want to, but I…well, I’m just worried that I…” She winced at the words that wouldn’t come as red heat slashed across her cheeks. “I’m not a thin woman, okay?”
His brow lifted. “You’re kidding, right?”
She glared at him and pursed her lips.
“Wait. I think you misunderstood what I’m trying to say.”
“Really? Because I think it came across perfectly clear.” She lowered her head, her gaze shifting to the floor.
He stepped toward her and slid one finger under her chin, lifting her face back to his. He smiled gently. “Do you really think I care about your weight?”
“Yes.”
“Then you’re wrong.”
“Am I?” Preslee asked, clearly not convinced. “I mean, look at you.” Her eyes raked over his bare chest and then flickered back to his face. “You probably don’t have a clue what it feels like to be uncomfortable in your own skin.”
“How do you figure?”
“You own a gym, Adam. Not only do you like to stay in shape, but you train others to do the same.”
“Do you want to know why I started working out? Because I was one of those scrawny kids who got picked on growing up.”
Her eyes widened, and her mouth hinged open slightly. “You were?”
“Every day. At school, after school, at the park. Basically everywhere I went. I was a magnet for bullies who wanted someone much smaller to push around.”
She shook her head. “I…I’m sorry. I wish things like that didn’t happen in this world. It’s unfortunate that they do.” She bit her lip. “So that’s how you got into weight lifting?”
“Pretty much. I met Kurt not long after that. He wasn’t into the lifting as much as I was, but he liked to work out to stay in shape. Over time, we became best friends.” Adam smiled. “It took a while, but through training, I was able to go from being the littlest guy in the room to being the biggest.”
“Really?”
He shrugged. “I haven’t had a single bully try anything with me since. Now I stay fit just because I like the way it feels. But that doesn’t have anything to do with us. I only mentioned it because you said I don’t know what it feels like to be uncomfortable in my own skin. Trust me, I do.”
She sighed. “Come on, Adam. You know what I’m saying. Why would you want to be with someone who looks like me when there are plenty of thinner women who would jump at the chance to be with someone who looks like you?”
Anger swept through him. “Okay, now you’re pissing me off. Since when did you become such a hypocrite?”
Her eyes widened. “What? I’m not a hypocrite.”
“Oh yeah? You’re sitting here worried that I’m judging you for the way you look, yet you’re doing that exact thing to me. It’s a double standard, Preslee. Yeah, I own a gym and enjoy working out. But that has no bearing on who I’m with or what they look like. I’m not even sure why you think it should.”
She shook her head. “It’s not that I think it should. I’m just saying that it does happen. A lot.”
“Maybe so. But a woman shouldn’t want to be with me just for the way I look any more than I should want to be with her for the way she looks.”
She nodded. “I’m sorry. You’re right about it being a double standard. And I get what you’re saying about being with someone just for the way they look. But isn’t that how physical attraction works? You can’t tell me that you would want to be with someone who you’re not remotely attracted to. Because if so, I call bullshit on that.”
He nodded. “Of course there should be physical attraction. But what I’m saying is that no one is going to tell me what I should want in a woman or dictate who I’m allowed to be attracted to. Not society. Not my family or friends. And not you either.”
She shook her head. “I’m not telling you who you’re allowed to be attracted to.”
“Oh yeah? Then why is it so hard for you to believe that I’m attracted to you?”
Preslee hesitated. “You can be mildly attracted to someone and want to sleep with them for one night. Especially when it’s convenient. That’s not unheard of, you know?”
“Yeah, well, neither is a guy who appreciates curves on a woman. You may not believe this, but some men actually prefer women with some meat on their bones. They get turned on by soft curves, love handles, or even a well-rounded booty. Maybe not all guys have that mentality, but I do. No one has to fit into a certain mold for me. I don’t want a woman with a perfect body. I just want a woman who is perfect for me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Says the guy who dates models.”
Adam grinned. “It was only one model, thank you very much. But I didn’t go out with her because of that. I dated her because we both shared an interest in old movies, Preslee.”
She stared at him without blinking for a full thirty seconds. Apparently, he’d shocked her into silence. Good. Served her right.
While he still had the floor, he added, “And just for the record, not all women like muscled-up guys either. There are plenty of women who have refused to date me for that alone. So it’s not always as one-sided as you might think.”
That comment must’ve snapped her out of her trance. “Maybe so. But I have a feeling you probably don’t run into that wall as much as I do when it comes to men who don’t want to date a woman who weighs more than them.”
He shrugged. “Possibly. But I bet I run into more plus-size women who aren’t willing to even give me the time of day or take me seriously because they assume that I won’t find them attractive. All because of the way they look. So I somehow get lumped in with the assholes who judge people just because of the way I look.”
She stared at him for another good ten seconds before speaking. “You know, I didn’t even consider that, Adam. It’s actually a really good point.”
“Well, do you want to know the most frustrating thing about it all? I’ve probably missed out on some pretty great women, all because of the hang-ups society has pushed onto them. And they might’ve missed out on a pretty decent guy who would’ve been happy to show them that they were worth way more than their number on a scale. Not that I’m trying to toot my own horn or anything.” He shrugged. “If owning a gym has taught me anything, it’s that people come in all shapes and sizes, none of which determine their worth as a human being.”
