Don't Think, Dear, page 27
Keynes, John Maynard, 79
Keys, Ancel, 100–101
Khakpour, Porochista, 156–57
Kierkegaard, Søren, 67
Kirkland, Gelsey
Balanchine and, 19, 36, 128, 130, 134, 136
as celebrity, 19, 132
childhood, 126–27
Coppélia, 130
Le Corsaire, 135
criticism of Balanchine, 36
Dancing on My Grave (memoir), 127–28, 134, 149
diet, 149
Don Quixote, 53, 130
drug use, 134–35, 149
“The Dying Swan,” 135–36
eating disorders, 131, 132–34, 136
foot injury, 133
Harlequinade, 133
insecurities, 126–28, 133–35, 136
as inspiration, 57, 119
Jewels, 133
marriage to Lawrence, 149
The Nutcracker, 126
NYCB, 130
NYCB Moscow tour, 133–34
plastic surgery, 128
retirement, 134
reviews, 133, 135
Romeo and Juliet, 149
as SAB student, 127–28
The Shape of Love (memoir), 149
sobriety, 149
Swan Lake, 130
on taboo against romantic entanglement, 104
technical prowess, 130
theatricality, 130
thinness, 36, 130–31, 132–34, 135
vulnerability, 130
Kirkland, Johnna, 127, 128
Kirstein, Lincoln, 21–22, 50
Kistler, Darci, 14, 31–32, 38, 40, 90–91, 118
Klapper, Melissa, 104–5
Knapp, Caroline, 213
Kolpakova, Irina, 75
Kowroski, Maria, 48
Kunis, Mila, 147, 165, 234
Laing, Olivia, 146
Lambert, Constant, 79–81
Langsdorff, Maja, 141, 162
Laura (SAB classmate), 109
Laurens, Camille, 73–74
Law & Order (TV show), 207
Lawrence, D. H., 80
Lawrence, Greg, 149
Le Clercq, Tanaquil, 27, 30–31
Leder, Drew, 209, 212
Leland, Sara, 117
Let’s Get Physical (Friedman), 213–14
Liebler, William, 167
Life in Motion (Copeland memoir), 44, 51
Lily (SAB classmate)
anorexia, 124
class photo, 166
diet, 167–68, 177
“fat talks,” 177
friendship with Robb, 15, 166
jutting collarbone, 137
Martins and, 91–92, 177, 178
The Nutcracker, 15, 176–77
NYCB apprenticeship, 92, 169, 176–79
pain and injuries, 166–67, 168, 169, 176–77, 180–82, 237
post-ballet life, 236–37
post-NYCB career, 179–82
Professional Performing Arts School, 166
resilience, 179–82
revamping ballet curriculum, 236–37
Royal Ballet of Flanders, 180–82
The Sleeping Beauty, 180
social media, 176, 181
Tchaikovsky Suite No. 3, 178–79
Valse Fantaisie, 168–69
Linda (Emily’s mother), 16–17, 59, 125, 129, 132
Linden (BRB student), 63
Lisa (aspiring dancer), 116
Little Dancer Aged Fourteen (Degas sculpture), 72, 73–74, 97
Little Dancer Aged Fourteen (Laurens book), 73–74
The Lives of the Muses (Prose), 27
Living a Ballet Dream (documentary), 48–49, 56
The Lonely City (Laing), 146
Loring, Eugene, 220
Louise (dysmorphic woman), 139
Lovatt, Peter, 64
“Love and Work” (Wetzsteon poem), 105
Lovette, Lauren, 152
Macaulay, Alastair, 145–46
Mailer, Norman, 38
Malcolm, Janet, 199
male dancers
outnumbered, 76
pas de deux, 76–77
valued over women, 74–75
Margot (documentary), 84–85, 86, 88–89
Mariinsky Theatre, 20, 26
Markova, Alicia, 223
Marks, Lillian, 223
“Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (L. Gottlieb), 197
Martínez, Alicia. See Alonso, Alicia
Martins, Peter
abuse of Kistler, 90–91, 118
aggressive aura, 3, 91–92, 99
control of dancers’ weight, 101, 177
in Kirkland’s memoir, 134
Lily and, 91–92, 177, 178
marriage to Kistler, 90–91, 118
#MeToo allegations against, 3, 9, 92
racism, 56
resignation from NYCB, 92
SAB visits, 90
Massey, Alana, 146
Mattel, 11, 48–49
Mayakovsky, Vladimir, 26
McDaniel, Christopher Charles, 51
McEwen, Morgan, 233–35
Meditation, 30
Megan (former ballet student), 193–94
Meiying (SAB classmate)
art career, 231–33, 236
ballet as empowering, 47
ballet as refuge, 46–47, 48
body image discussion, 235–36
children, 246–47
Circus Polka, 48
class photo, 43
Coppélia, 48
criticism of her neck, 124
depression, 61
Emily and, 17, 59–60, 125, 126, 233, 235–36
Harlequinade, 48
Living a Ballet Dream (documentary), 48–49, 56
on Martins, 91
Miami City Ballet School, 59–60
A Midsummer Night’s Dream, 48, 91
The Nutcracker, 17–18, 43, 46–48, 53, 55, 126
pain, 58–60
path to ballet, 43–44
quitting ballet, 60–61
on racism, 55, 56
reconnection with Robb, 200
The Sleeping Beauty, 48
Swan Lake, 48
on timelines and deadlines, 184
Mejia, Paul, 31, 112
#MeToo. See sexual harassment and assault
Metropolitan Museum of Art, 71–73
Metropolitan Opera, 16, 235
Miami City Ballet, 51
Miami City Ballet School, 59–60
Michelle (SAB classmate), 142–45
A Midsummer Night’s Dream, 48, 91, 143
Minden, Eliza Gaynor. See Gaynor Minden, Eliza
“mirror gazing” and “mirror checking,” 137, 139, 140
MorDance, 233–35
mothers of dancers. See ballet moms
Mozartiana, 34
Mr. B. See Balanchine, George
Müller, Heidrun, 141
Murphy, Gillian, 163
muses, 27
National Ballet of Cuba, 226–29
National Book Foundation, 198–99
New York City Ballet (NYCB); City Ballet. See also Balanchine, George; specific dancers and dances
age-gap relationships, 92
Balanchine as founder, 13
Balanchine’s death, 18–19
board members, 19
cult warning signs, 37–38
deficit (2011), 177–78
first season, 22
lack of star system and hierarchy, 26
male choreographers, 75
Martins’s role, 3, 9, 91
Moscow tour, 133–34
pointe shoe budget, 162
poverty of dancers, 187–88
sexism in hiring, 178
weight control, 37, 101, 131, 177
whiteness, 55–56
9/11 attacks and aftermath, 46, 48
Nolan, Megan, 209
Noriega, Manuel, 82
Nunez, Sigrid, 238–40, 241
Nureyev, Rudolf “Rudi,” 83, 88–89
The Nutcracker
Act II tributes to foreign cultures, 56
Alberta Ballet, 193
Copeland in, 53
corps de ballet, 76
New York Times review, 145–46
NYCB, 14, 22, 111, 176–77
Orlando Ballet, 132
plot, 46–48
regional renditions, 14
in Robb’s dreams, 243
Rojo in, 160
SAB, 14–18, 43, 46–48, 55, 97–98, 108–9, 126, 142, 143, 164, 186
Nutting, Alissa, 148
NXIVM (self-help group/sex cult), 36–37
NYCB. See New York City Ballet
nymag.com, 147–48
Olivia (SAB classmate), 109
Olympics, 145, 213, 227, 241
Onassis, Aristotle, 82
on pointe. See pointe shoes; pointe work
Orenstein, Peggy, 11
orgasm gap, 211
Orlando Ballet, 132
Orth, Maureen, 87–88
Oxenberg, India, 36, 37
Pacific Northwest Ballet, 126, 247–49
Pacific Northwest Ballet School, 144
pain
as body’s warning system, 163
dancers’ perception, 169–70
dancing through, 159–61, 163–64, 167, 174, 175, 176–77, 180–81
downplaying, 155, 157, 158–59
enhancing body awareness, 212
gender discrimination in treatment, 157
gendered perception, 155–56
identity as woman and, 155–57, 159
masochism, 93–95, 157–58, 165, 170–72, 174–76
pointe work, 59, 60, 160–64, 170, 176
resilience, 179
SAB, 166–67, 169
souvenirs, 175–76
in TV shows and movies, 164–65
Palmer, Tony, 84–85, 86, 88–89
Paltrow, Scot J., 90–91
pandemic. See Covid-19 pandemic
Panebianco-Warrens, Clorinda, 54–55
Paris Girls (Meiying painting), 231–32
Paris Opera, 26, 72–74, 115
pas de deux, 76–77
Pas de Quatre, 220
passivity, doctrine of, 77–78, 93, 95
Pauline (SAB classmate), 109
Pavlova, Anna, 141, 159–60
Pazcoguin, Georgina, 217–18
Perception: How Our Bodies Shape Our Minds (Proffitt and Baer), 208
Perel, Esther, 212
Peter and the Wolf, 132
Petit, Roland, 35
Piano Music for Ballet Class, 50
Piper (former ballet student), 192, 194
Plath, Sylvia, 89, 158
plié, defined, 24n
Plisetskaya, Maya, 25
pointe shoes
breaking-in process, 57, 134, 161–62
bunions, 128
color, 57, 249
cost, 162
first fitting, 161
Gaynors, 162–63
lifespan, 162, 185–86
look and structure, 161
pain, 60, 161, 162–63, 164, 170
ribbons, 29, 31, 161, 162, 185
as souvenir/keepsake, 7, 176, 194, 232
pointe work
in art, 72
balance, 216
ballet skirt, 139
gendered nature of, 76, 77, 161, 184, 249
MorDance, 234
muscles, 45
pain, 59, 144, 160–64, 170, 176
as rite of passage, 160–61, 170
Polanski, Roman, 9, 38
Portman, Natalie, 10, 147, 165, 186–87, 234, 248
post-ballet life, 193–201. See also specific dancers
accepting reality, 195–96, 240–41
avoiding ballet, 194, 241
continued involvement in ballet, 193–95, 201, 236
coping with heartbreak, 193, 195, 239, 240–41
depression, 61, 194
framework for grieving, 195–96
as imposters in “real world,” 194
new careers, 231–33, 235–38
new goals, 193, 195
new identity, 193, 195
regrets, 239–42, 246–47
struggle to connect with people, 194
post-wounded women, 158–59
Potter, Caroline, 216–17, 218
The Power Notebooks (Roiphe), 89
Prince, 62
Prodigal Son (Villella memoir), 25, 77
Professional Performing Arts School, 98, 132, 166
Proffitt, Dennis, 208
proprioception, 222–23
Prose, Francine, 27
Proust, Marcel, 83
Prudden, Bonnie, 214
The Psychoanalysis of Sexual Functions of Women (Deutsch), 158
pubic grooming injuries, 156
Rachel (SAB classmate)
acting career, 237–38
“fat talks,” 99–100, 101, 113–14, 124
The Nutcracker, 18, 97–98
parents, 18, 114, 125
posing with Degas sculpture, 97
post-ballet life, 237–38
private lessons with Sumner, 107
retirement, 114, 124
on SAB reverence for Balanchine, 13
salary as professional dancer, 188
sexuality suppressed, 98–99, 101–2, 238
Swan Lake, 113
West Coast ballet company, 101, 113–14
racism, 55–57
Raniere, Keith, 36–37, 39
Raymonda Variations, 22
Rebello, Kleber, 51
The Red Shoes (film), 104–5
Regarding the Pain of Others (Sontag), 165
Richard (BRB student), 62, 63
Ringer, Jenifer, 145–46
Ringling Brothers Circus, 26
Robb, Alice
attending open classes, 243–44, 249–51
Balanchine’s influence on, 13–14, 142, 244–45
ballet as refuge, 9
ballet lessons with Sumner, 107–10, 250
body dysmorphia, 136–38, 151–52
body image discussion, 235–36
Degas as favorite painter, 71–73
diary, 4–6, 14, 103, 142, 195–96
dreams about ballet, 242–43
expelled from SAB, 137, 195
feminist tropes, struggles against, 8–9
first dance with a boy, 76–77
Guardian interview and photo shoot, 114–15
height, 142
“mirror checking,” 137, 140–41
photos of childhood ballet, 245–46
post-ballet life, 196–97, 199, 240
quitting ballet, 8, 137, 195–97, 240–41
SAB, feelings of invisibility, 108–9
SAB, third division, 183
SAB admission, 5, 13
SAB auditions, 4–5
SAB class photo, 1–3
SAB corrections, 164
in SAB’s The Nutcracker, 14–18, 108–9, 142, 164
sexuality suppressed, 102–3, 105
summer ballet camp, 103–4
toddler “ballet” lessons, 3–4
VHS recording of teen recital, 66–67
Why We Dream, 198, 199–200
Roiphe, Katie, 89
Rojo, Tamara, 160
Romeo and Juliet, 87, 149, 233
Rooney, Sally, 209
Ross, Rick Alan, 37–38
Roux, Liara, 156
Royal Ballet (England), 25, 75, 119, 149, 198. See also Fonteyn, Margot
Royal Ballet of Flanders, 180–82
Royal Danish Ballet School, 91
Ryan (Emily’s brother), 17, 125–26
SAB. See School of American Ballet
sadism, as masculine trait, 158
Sam (former ballet student), 194
Sandham, Tricia, 192–95, 200–201
San Francisco Ballet School, 167
School of American Ballet (SAB)
Alonso (Alicia)’s scholarship, 219
Ansanelli as student, 119
automatic scholarships for boys, 74
Balanchine as founder, 1, 13, 22
Balanchine as hero, 41
Balanchine-designed curriculum, 108
Balanchine’s training position for young dancers, 183
Bentley as student, 171–72
Circus Polka, 48
class photo, 1–3, 8, 43, 143, 166
Coppélia, 18, 48
corrections as status measure, 164
cult warning signs, 37–38
dress code, 6
eating habits, 131–32
Farrell’s audition, 28–29
graduation workshop, 168–69, 172
Harlequinade, 48
ideal body type, 142, 143–44, 167–68
Instagram account, 41
male students, 76–77
Martins and, 90
A Midsummer Night’s Dream, 48, 143
no pity for pain, 166–67
The Nutcracker, 14–18, 43, 46–48, 55, 97–98, 108–9, 126, 142, 143, 164, 186
post-ballet lives of dancers, 8
private lessons prohibited, 107–8
Robb’s audition, 4–5
in Robb’s dreams, 243
The Sleeping Beauty, 48, 172
stage makeup, 6–7
Sumner as student, 110–11
suppression of sexuality, 98
Swan Lake, 48
timelines and deadlines, 183–84
Valse Fantaisie, 168–69
“weight warnings,” 143, 168
whiteness, 55
Wildes as student, 205
Schorer, Suki, 163
Schwall, Elizabeth, 229
Scotch Symphony, 40
self-criticism, 123–24. See also body dysmorphia
Seo, Hee, 51
September 11 attacks and aftermath, 46, 48
Serenade, 120, 243, 245
sex, as painful, 156
sex, orgasm gap, 211
Sex and the Single Girl (Brown), 147
sexual harassment and assault
Balanchine, 28, 31
Choudhury, 36, 203
“empty consent,” 115
lack of physical boundaries in ballet, 238
Martins, 3, 9, 92
#MeToo, 3, 9
Paris Opera, 74, 115
predators of ballerinas, 115–16
psychological hold on victims, 37, 38
Raniere, 36–37
sexuality, suppression of, 98–105
Shainess, Natalie, 93–95
Shana (SAB classmate), 109
The Shape of Love (Kirkland memoir), 149
Shapton, Leanne, 241–42
Sharp, Adrienne, 240
Shaw, Helen, 35, 39
Shireenah (BRB student), 62–64
Sick (Khakpour memoir), 156–57
Sills, Bettijane, 32, 35, 39
sissone, defined, 181
The Sleeping Beauty
Balanchine in, 20
Fonteyn in, 81
Lilac Fairy, 186
pantomime, 23
Royal Ballet of Flanders, 180–81
SAB, 48, 172
