Show Me the Scary Part, page 33
It wasn’t just Whitney I’ve been losing interest in; I haven’t felt truly interested in anything for a while now. It was after Ryder got kidnapped, something happened to me, and I can explain it. There was a shift or a turn, and I’ve been messed up ever since.
When I was alone in my office at work, I would just cry for absolutely no reason; it took everything in me to get out of bed in the morning. I just felt like I was going through the motions; I didn’t want anyone to know I felt this way. I felt like I needed to be strong for my family, but I just feel like I’m screwing everything up. Whitney and Ryder are everything I ever wanted, and I don’t want to lose them.
“Nadine, what is going on with you, girl? You’ve spaced out so many times since you’ve been here.” Deena said.
She kept pushing me to come out to lunch with her, and I finally gave in.
“I’m sorry, Deena.”
“I know that you and Whitney haven’t been sleeping in the same room,” she blurted.
I looked at her.
“I would ask how you know that, but our wives are best friends,” I said.
“What are you doing, Nadine? You fought for her, for your family. I just can’t believe you’re just letting your marriage go,” she voiced.
“I love my family; they mean the world to me. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me, Deena. Maybe I’m not good enough for them.”
“There is something off with you. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re depressed?” she inquired.
I gave her a questioning look.
“Don’t look at me like that, Nadine, you’re showing all the signs for it.”
“I’m not depressed.”
“Yes, the hell you are, and you’re going to get help before you lose your family.”
I began to say something, but she stopped me.
“Yes, you do need help. There’s a psychologist in the practice I work at, and she’s amazing. Make an appointment and get help,” she demanded.
“Okay, I will.”
“You and Whitney are meant to be together, don’t let her go so easily.”
I felt like crying because I didn’t want to lose her; she was the very best part of me.
“You’re right, Deena, thank you. I’m going to make things right. I’m going to get help.”
She looked extremely satisfied.
I did what Deena suggested, and I set up an appointment with the doctor. I was nervous as hell to go; I had never done therapy before, and it was a little overwhelming. Ryder must have felt the same way going to his sessions, but I know that they did so much good for him.
I didn’t tell Whitney that I was going to therapy, not that she would listen to me anyway; we weren’t exactly talking to each other. I just wanted to figure out what was wrong.
My therapist was very good at what she does. It was a little intense, but she was able to help me get to the root of my problems. Deena was right, I was depressed, and I was prescribed a low dose of antidepressants along with talk therapy.
Ever since I’ve been going to therapy, I’ve started to feel better. I was still upset about the state my marriage was in, but I was determined to get everything back on track.
* * *
“Come here, mama, mommy’s in trouble outside.”
I was reading when Ryder rushed into the bedroom.
I hurried off the bed. “What?”
“She’s in the backyard. Come quick,” he said, his tone panicked.
I followed after my son; I feared the worst. What could have possibly happened to Whitney?
Ryder ran a lot faster, and he was standing holding the back door open.
“She’s over there by the pool, hurry, mama!” he pointed.
I moved past Ryder outside and searched for Whitney. I found her lying on one of the lounge chairs, seemingly passed out. I got to her side quickly and grabbed both of her arms and shook her.
“Whitney!” I called.
Her eyes popped open, and she looked at me like I was a crazy person.
“Nadine, what the hell, I was taking a nap!” she exclaimed.
I let her go and looked at her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Ryder said that you were in trouble. I thought you were hurt.”
She sat up in the chair. “Why would he tell you that? I told him I was taking a nap.”
“I don’t know why he would tell me that.”
“Ryder!” Whitney yelled, getting up from the chair.
I didn’t notice her bikini before because I was concerned with helping her, but now that I know she was okay, I couldn’t help but watch her as she marched towards the back door. I swear I married the most beautiful woman in the world.
I snapped out of it to follow her, and when I got to the door, it was closed, and Whitney was knocking on it.
“Marshall Ryder Thornton, if you don’t open this door right now, you’ll be grounded for a week,” Whitney yelled.
“Did he lock us out of the house?” I asked.
“He did? What the hell is wrong with that kid today?”
“I’m not unlocking the doors until you two talk.”
Whitney and I heard a voice coming from above us, and we looked up to see Ryder looking down on us from an upstairs window.
“Ryder, this isn’t funny. Come down here and unlock the door.” Whitney demands.
“No, something is wrong, and I won’t let you in until you talk.”
“This isn’t the way, Marshmallow. Let your mom and me in, okay.” I tried reasoning.
He shook his head. “No, and I don’t care if I get in trouble. I want you to be happy again.”
“Ryder!” Whitney yelled again.
His head disappeared, and the window closed.
“I can’t believe this little boy. How the hell are we supposed to get back into the house?” Whitney said, frustrated.
I shrugged.
“You don’t seem to be upset that we’re locked out of the house.”
“I’m not exactly thrilled about it, but it seems that our son has the power right now,” I said.
I started walking towards the patio furniture to sit, because it seemed like we were going to be here for a while.
“You’re not going to even try to get into the house?” she asked.
“He’s probably had this planned for weeks, Whitney. There is no way we’re getting in that house,” I said, sitting down on the lounge she had occupied a few minutes ago.
“Why are you so calm?” she fussed.
“I don’t know, why does it seem like it’s the worst thing in the world to be stuck out here with me?” I countered.
“Because it does seem like the worst thing in the world. I know things have never been perfect for us, but you and I were perfect together. It’s so fucking hard being around you knowing that we’re broken.”
I looked at her, that was the most she’s said to me in weeks.
“We’re not broken, I’m the one that’s broken,” I said.
She looked confused. “What does that mean?”
“I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. I’ve been depressed for some time now, and instead of dealing with it, I pushed it aside. It has nothing to do with you or Ryder, it’s just my own personal shit,” I confessed.
Several emotions flashed across her face, and I could only distinguish a couple.
“We could have gotten through this together. Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling that way?” she said, hurt in her voice. “I’m your wife, I’m here to support you. For better or worse. I vowed that to you, remember? It would have been a hell of a lot better than us avoiding each other for weeks. You were there for me when it all seemed hopeless, and you told me to fight, and I did. I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today without you there holding my hand and encouraging me. It hurts that you wouldn’t give me the option of being there for you.”
“I’m sorry, Whitney, I should have told you weeks ago, but I wasn’t in the right mindset then. I had no interest in anything; it just got really bad and dark, and I didn’t even consider talking to you. I don’t know why I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping it from you.”
“I’m sorry that you felt like you had to go through this on your own. That is never the case; you never have to go through any of this alone.” She takes a seat beside me on the lounge.
“No, I’m sorry for not being a good wife and mother. I just feel like I let you down all the time, and you don’t deserve that; you deserve better,” I voiced.
“Do you have any idea how much you mean to me, how much you mean to Ryder? Don’t tell me that we don’t deserve you,” she says.
“I’m so sorry for everything, Whitney, and I do want you. I’ll always want you,” I said.
She looks at me, and I can see tears in her eyes.
“I’m getting help, I’m on medication, and I go to therapy every week. I don’t want to lose you or our family.”
She takes a deep breath and then exhales.
“It’s going to be okay. This is a start to things getting better between us. We’re just going to have to keep working at it.”
I nod in agreement. “I know things won’t go back to normal overnight.”
“I do love you, Nadine,” she smiles at me.
I returned it and touched her face tenderly. “I love you, Whit.”
I leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek. As I moved away, she grabbed me and brought our lips together. I had no idea just how much I missed her lips. I leaned in, giving in to the kiss fully. How I could ever lose interest in this woman is beyond me.
“See, I knew you could do it.”
Whitney and I broke the kiss to see Ryder standing there; he looked so proud of himself.
We both exchanged looks before smiling at our son.
“Seemed like your plan worked, buddy,” Whitney says.
“I knew it would, because I’m clever,” he boasted.
“Yes, you’re very clever,” I agreed. “I hope the clever boy is ready for a swim,” I said.
He looked confused. “What?”
I looked at Whitney. “Get him!” I shouted.
Ryder’s eyes popped open when he saw us charging at him. Before he could get away, Whitney and I grabbed him and dragged him over to the pool.
He laughed. “No!”
“This is what happens to little boys who lock their parents out of the house,” Whitney says.
Then Whitney and I threw him in the pool, and we watched as he swam up to the surface.
“No fair!” Ryder says, pushing his wet hair out of his face.
Whitney and I laughed and gave each other a high five.
“Not so clever now, are you?” I said.
“Okay, I deserve this, but are you two okay?” he asked.
I looked at his mother. “We’ll be okay, Ryder, thank you.”
He smiled at us, and he looked happy.
“That looks refreshing, Ryder. I think I’m going to join you,” I said.
I took a few steps back to get a running start.
“No, mama, wait!”
I ran towards the pool. “Cannonball!” I yelled, jumping into the pool.
When I surfaced, I could hear Whitney laughing.
“That was epic,” Ryder says. “You made a huge splash.”
I smiled at him, then looked at Whitney. “You going to join us?”
She didn’t hesitate; she jumped in.
We stayed out of there, playing in the pool for the rest of the afternoon. It was so much fun and a good sign that my family would be okay. I didn’t completely mess things up.
THIRTY-TWO
Whitney
It felt like a punch in the gut when Nadine told me what she was dealing with. It pissed me off, and I wanted to fucking go off on her, but I know that it wouldn’t have helped the situation. I just have no idea when she thought confiding in me was the worst thing.
Nadine was always telling me to show her the scary part, but it seemed like she never wanted to show me. I am so happy that we’re on the right track now, but I know there was so much we had to discuss. I never wanted to go through this again.
After we got out of the pool, we all went to take a quick shower. We’re going out to eat as a family, for the first time in I don’t know when. I just finished getting dressed when Nadine walked into the room. She leaned on the doorway and just watched me as I towel-dried my hair.
“Will you come back to our bed?” she asked.
I wanted that more than anything, but it couldn’t be that easy, could it?
“I will come back to our bed, but we have to talk after Ryder goes to bed. I feel like there is so much more to talk about,” I said.
“I’m willing to do anything to get us back on track,” she says. “We will talk tonight about anything you want.”
“Are we going to leave soon? I’m starving?” Ryder asked, appearing in the doorway.
“Your mom has to dry her hair; we will leave right after,” Nadine says.
He walks off and groans. “I’m so hungry.”
I laughed. “He is so your son.”
She smiles at me.
“Just hurry up before he turns into a monster,” I said.
It didn’t take me that long to dry my hair, and we were soon on our way to the restaurant.
“Moms, I think I want to go back to school,” Ryder said, while we were eating our food.
“That’s great, Ryder,” I said.
“Yes, that’s so brave of you,” Nadine tells him.
“I thought I was going to be afraid forever, but I’m not anymore,” he shares.
I smiled at him. I was so proud of him for getting over his fears.
“You’re going to have to wait until next school year. There’s only a month left of school. So, you’re going to finish up your homeschooling, and we will enroll you next year,” I informed.
“That sounds good,” he says. “Can we get dessert too?” he asked.
“Yes, you can,” Nadine says.
“Moms?” he says thoughtfully.
“Our sweet boy, what is it?” I said, smiling at him warmly.
“I want us to stay a family.”
“We will always be a family, Ryder, no matter what.”
“I know that, but you both were mad at each other, and I don’t want you to break up ever,” he pouted a little.
I understood why this bothered him so much.
Our actions affect him; he’s used to seeing Nadine and me being a united front on everything.
“Things get hard sometimes, Ryder, but your mom and I want to be together, and we’ll do everything in our power to make it work,” Nadine voices.
“Okay,” he says.
“I love that you speak up about what you want, Marshmallow. That’s very mature.”
He smiles. “Thanks, Mama.”
“So, tell us…just how long were you planning today?” I inquired.
“I was sad that you two weren’t talking, and I talked to my therapist about it. She told me that you two would eventually talk and work it out. I thought that you were taking too long, so I came up with a plan. When I saw mom lying out by the pool, I thought that was the perfect time to get you together, and it worked.” He was so proud of himself.
“It was just what we needed, buddy.”
Like I said, I knew that everything wasn’t perfect, but we were taking a step in the right direction.
Once we finished our entrees, we ordered dessert. Of course, Ryder got ice cream.
“I was thinking about something,” Ryder said, after eating a spoonful of ice cream.
“What were you thinking about, Ryder?” I asked.
“I just wondered what it would be like to have a little brother,” he says.
I looked at Nadine; her expression was unreadable.
I wish he had asked something else because, as far as I know, Nadine didn’t want any more kids.
“You have? That’s an okay thing to wonder about,” I said.
“I think it would be cool to have a little brother.”
I didn’t know what to say to him. I would love for him to have a little brother or sister, but I knew where Nadine stood with that.
“I’m sure it would be. How’s that ice-cream treating you?” I attempted to change the subject.
“It’s probably the best ice cream I’ve ever tasted,” he gushed.
I was successful.
“Not as good as the cookies and cream ice cream you had last week,” I said.
His eyes widened. “No, that was the best.”
I was so happy that I was able to steer the conversation in a different direction.
It was a little awkward between Nadine and me for the rest of the evening; there was still so much that we needed to deal with.
Later that night, after Ryder was in bed, I grabbed a glass and a bottle of white wine and took them to the backyard by the swimming pool. I sat in one of the lounge chairs and poured a glass of wine. I drank while I just stared off in thought. I thought about my marriage. Nadine and I have been through rough patches before. We did get married young and didn’t know what it meant to be married. I know it was something that we were constantly going to have to work at.
“Are you hiding from me?”
I turned my head to see Nadine approaching me.
I took a breath and looked at the illuminated pool.
“I’m just thinking,” I placed my glass down.
“I thought that you wanted to talk,” she says.
“I do want to talk.”
I sat up, crossing my legs, and motioned for her to take a seat, which she did.
“I know things hadn’t always been good between us, the first couple of years of our marriage were pretty rocky, but we managed to get through it. There just seems to be a common theme in all of our rough patches,” I said.
“What is that?” she asks.
“You don’t talk to me, you don’t tell me what’s going on with you. You leave me in the dark every single time,” I confess.
She looks down. “I don’t mean to, Whitney.”
“It makes me feel like shit, Nadine.”
“I’m sorry, I am, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.”
“Well, you did, I am hurt. You’re the first person I’ve ever put my trust in. You’re the first person who showed me that it was okay to open up. It just sucks that you don’t want to show me the scary part. Do you think I can’t handle it?” I was getting emotional.
