Show Me the Scary Part, page 20
“I’m not too sure about that. You were pretty torn up. Something we still haven’t talked about.”
“I’m sorry, okay, I shouldn’t have come on to you, it wasn’t right. It won’t happen again.”
My heart tightened at her words. I hope that wasn’t true.
“Stop apologizing to me, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t the fact that you came onto me; it was your reasons for doing that. If you didn’t think I wanted that, then you must not have been paying attention. You’re more than a friend to me, and I thought you would have known that by now. You were hurting last night, and you’re still hurting. I would have just been a momentary distraction from your problems. I don’t want to be a distraction; I want to be everything I could be for you because I love you, Whitney. Do you understand that I love you?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t get how someone as amazing as you can love someone as pathetic as me,” she began to break down.
I moved closer to her.
“You are not pathetic, you are someone with a fucked up past and a traumatic upbringing. I see beyond that, when I look at you, I see a smart, beautiful, driven, passionate woman. You’re also a great mom and an excellent conversationalist, and sarcastic as hell. You are not pathetic. I get how it’s hard to break away from the things that have been hardwired into you. I just need you to get it through your head that you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m in your life, and you don’t have to worry about ever going through anything alone again.” I brought my hands to her sides, our eyes locked in a warm gaze.
As I stared into her green watery eyes, I knew this woman ruined me for anybody else; I was completely hers.
“Talk to me, Whitney, I beg you.”
“I can’t,” she cried. “I shouldn’t have called you. Maybe you should leave.”
She moves away from me, and it frustrates me. I’m not doing this with her.
“You drive me fucking nuts.” I gritted.
She looks at me, shocked that I said that.
“Then leave Nadine, if I make you crazy, you can just go,” she started crying.
I looked over at Ryder on the bed, who was just staring at us in fascination, waiting to see what happened next.
With one frustrated breath, I take her hand and pull her to me and bring our lips together. I kissed her with purpose and passion; I put my all into that kiss. I needed her to feel this kiss to her very soul.
When I released her from the kiss, she was breathless and in a state of shock.
“In the right way. You make me crazy in the right way,” I mentioned. “The first time we spoke, you told me that love makes you crazy. I told you that if it made me feel like it did in that moment, I didn’t want it. Do you remember what you said to me after that?” I asked her.
She shakes her head. “I don’t know.”
“You said that I needed to find someone who makes me crazy in a good way. You see, Whitney, you make me crazy, but I love you still.”
She takes a breath. “I’m afraid.”
I wrapped my arms around her, and she hugged me tightly, burying her face in my neck.
“Me too, Whitney. I’m afraid that you’ll never get over everything that’s happened to you. I’m afraid of waking up one day to find you gone again. I’m afraid of so much, but I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Just give me a little time, Nadine. I don’t want you to leave. I just need a little time.”
I took a breath. “Okay.”
“I just need a minute, I’ll be right back.”
Whitney moves from our embrace and gets up out of the bed, leaving Ryder and me alone. He was staring at me, then said something in his baby language, and he looked serious. He may have cursed me out for upsetting his mother, I don’t know.
“I love her, okay, Marshmallow, I’m not going to give up on her.”
He seemed satisfied with that, then he turned to look at the TV.
Whitney
I didn’t want to lose Nadine, I wanted to tell her, but I’m afraid that I’m going to lose her all over again. If she finds out about Charlotte, she’ll want to do something about it, and Charlotte will tell my mother where I am. I couldn’t have my mother knowing where I am, my grandmother said she’s still looking for me. I would have to leave again, which means I would have to leave Nadine, and I didn’t want to leave her.
I walked back into the bathroom. I just needed to catch my breath for a minute.
I pulled the collar of my shirt down to look at the marks Charlotte left on me, claiming me as her own. She felt like she owned me, just like my mother.
I let go of my shirt, feeling disgusted by the sight of it, and I cringed at the thought of her touching my body.
With Nadine, I felt warm; that kiss we just shared was magnetic, it left me reeling. Her kiss was soul-shaking; I felt it with every ounce of me. She made me feel what no one else did, and on top of that, she loves me. I can’t believe someone as amazing as her loves me. I love Nadine too, and I’ve felt that way for a long time. I just know I can’t be with her until I overcome my fears, that wouldn’t be fair to her.
I took a few cleansing breaths before I left the bathroom to rejoin Ryder and Nadine. When I entered the room, the sound of my son’s laughter filled the room.
“I’m going to get you, buddy.” Nadine was holding Ryder, blowing raspberries on his stomach.
He was laughing so hard, and it brought me immense joy to watch the two of them. I watched them for a moment before joining them.
Nadine didn’t bring up what had just happened, and I was grateful for that; she seemed content with just spending time together.
Around dinner time, Nadine suggested we get Chinese takeout, and I agreed. When it got here, we ate. We were still in my bedroom, where we stayed all day long.
We wasted the day away, but it was great. I was so happy to be around Nadine again. Today made me realize how much I needed her in my life; she made me feel complete.
“Oh, look, someone’s getting sleepy,” I said, holding my boy to me. “Are you ready for bed?” I asked.
He could barely keep his eyes open.
“Say goodnight to Nadine, tell her how much fun you had today,” I said.
Nadine smiles at him. “Goodnight, Marshmallow. I had such a good time with you today.”
She touches his cheek gently.
He gives her a lazy smile.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, getting out of bed, cradling my son.
“Okay,” she said.
I took Ryder to his room and kissed him several times, saying I love you before placing him in his crib. He turns over and falls asleep almost instantly. He’s always been such a good baby; he was perfect in nearly every way, but he has a less-than-perfect mother. I have no idea what kind of example I’m setting for him. I was weak and I couldn’t stand up to the people who hurt me. I didn’t want to teach him to just stand there and take people’s shit; I don’t want anyone walking over him. I needed to be strong for my boy, and I’m going to be.
I needed to talk to Nadine.
I got back in the room to find Nadine sitting on the edge of the bed, putting her shoes on.
“Are you leaving?” I asked.
“I guess so, I have no clothes here and I need to shower,” she smiles at me. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow,” she says.
“I don’t want you to go; you can shower here and wear something of mine,” I said.
Nadine looks at me. “You want me to stay?”
“Yes, I want you to stay.”
“Okay,” she says, taking off her shoes.
Nadine and I took a shower, separately, and I lent her some clothes.
“Your shower is amazing,” Nadine said, getting under the covers of my bed.
“You should try the air tub,” I said.
“Of course, you have a top-of-the-line bathtub; you love taking baths,” she says.
“I do,” I slid into bed beside her. “What do you want to watch? We’ve been watching kid movies all day?”
“Whatever you want is fine,” she says.
I ended up finding something neither of us had seen before. We didn’t say anything to each other, we just watched the movie.
“I’m not kissing you anymore, by the way,” Nadine says out of nowhere.
I looked at her, confused. “You’re not?”
“Nope, but you’re going to want me to,” she was facing forward the entire time.
I smiled. “I am?”
“Yes, you will, and I won’t.”
“Is there a reason?”
She nods and finally looks at me.
“I love you,” she says warmly. “I want you to be healthy, and complicating things between us won’t help you get there. This is your journey, though, I’ll just be here whenever you need me, whenever you feel like you want to talk to me.”
I turned my gaze from her and looked down at the comforter.
I took a deep breath—here it goes. “I want to talk to you, I’m just so scared.”
She moves closer to me and takes my hand. “You know it’s okay to be scared; it means you’re on the edge of doing something really brave. This fear you have marks such a pivotal part in your life. This moment in time is defining you, and I know that you’re afraid, but you need to let that fear propel you forward. You’re allowed to be afraid, Whitney; don’t bury it or mask it, embrace it. Just don’t let your fear define your future.”
She was right, I was so goddamn afraid, and that fear was controlling my life. My fear defined my every move, and that was something I had to break away from.
Tears started to roll down my face. I was so scared, and I have been for most of my life.
“The marks are from Charlotte, the house manager,” I said in a low tone.
She held my hand a little firmer.
“You’re house manager, are you two involved?” she asked cautiously.
I swallowed a lump in my throat. I didn’t know how to explain this to her.
“We are involved, but only one part is truly willing,” I voiced.
I looked at Nadine’s face, and it contorted in confusion before realization struck. She was so smart, I knew I didn’t have to completely spell it out for her, so she could get it.
“Is she forcing you to have sex with her?”
Her voice had a slight grit in it as she spoke the words aloud.
“It’s more like coercion,” I explained.
“It doesn’t fucking matter what you call it; it’s wrong. What is she holding over you?” She was getting so angry.
“My location, she has my parents’ contact. I felt like I didn’t have much of a choice,” I confessed.
“I feel like I’m losing my mind. How long has this been going on?”
“Just a little over a year.”
She shook her head.
“Nadine, you can’t say anything,” I said.
“The hell I can’t, how can you expect me not to say anything?”
“I don’t want to lose you again, Nadine. If she tells my mother where I am, there’s no way I’ll be able to stay here,” I pointed.
“You want me to just sit back and let her fuck you whenever she wants?” she was yelling now.
Her body was hot with anger, and I could see tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
“I don’t know what to do. I just know that I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t, but I damn well won’t let her lay another finger on you. I really can’t believe this shit. Why would someone do that to you?” Her tears started to fall. “I should have been here with you; I should have been able to protect you.”
She takes a breath to calm herself down, then she looks at me.
“I’m sorry.” She sniffles, trying to collect herself. “I understand the fear you hold for your mother; that is very real to you. For someone to manipulate that and use it against you is disgusting, unethical, and just fucking wrong. This stops now, Whitney. Do you understand?”
I nod.
“You’re not going to lose me, we’re never going to be apart ever again.”
She wraps her arms around me, pulling me into a warm embrace.
“We’ll take care of this bitch.”
TWENTY
Nadine
I couldn’t begin to describe how pissed off I am.
How crazy is it that Whitney was able to get away from her mother just to run into another crazy, controlling bitch? Like, how is it even possible?
Whitney just couldn’t catch a break. Here she was doing everything she could to keep her life on track and being the best she could be for her son, just to have some satanist bitch come in and mess it up.
Little does that woman know she won’t be using her anymore; no one is going to control her anymore.
It was Saturday, and I was planning on taking Whitney and Ryder out today. I believe we all needed the fresh air.
Whitney suggested we go to a park; apparently, they had a lot to do out there. I agreed, and it sounded like fun; we just needed to stop by my apartment first so that I could get a change of clothes.
We pulled up to my apartment complex, and Whitney got Ryder out of the car, and we made our way into the building.
When we got in the elevator, Ryder pressed the button, which gave him great joy. Whitney and I both laughed at the little guy’s fascination with the elevator.
When we got to the door, I unlocked it, and we all made our way inside. And we were greeted by Kenya’s boys once again.
“Oh, hello,” I greeted.
Ryder saw the two boys and started moving to get down. Whitney placed him down on the floor, and he approached the twins.
“Hi,” he says cheerfully.
The twins looked at each other and giggled, then in unison said ‘hi’, and the three of them just took off running. Toddler giggles, and feet could be heard throughout the apartment.
That’s when Deena and Kenya finally showed their faces.
“Kenya?” Whitney said in shock.
Kenya was surprised to see her but quickly moved over to her to hug her.
“Whitney, I can’t believe it. Nadine said that you were here, but seeing is believing.”
She hugs her back, just as happy to see her.
“Nadine didn’t tell me that you were here; this is such a surprise,” she says.
“It’s good to see you again, Whitney,” Deena says.
Whitney gives Deena a warm smile. “It’s great to see you again, too, Deena.”
The reunion was put on pause because of the yelling toddlers.
“Your boys are so big, Kenya, and so handsome,” Whitney said.
“Your little guy is too, time does fly, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” she agreed.
“So, what are you guys up to?” Deena asked.
“I was going to get a change of clothes, then we were going to this park Whitney knows. Then grab something to eat somewhere,” I shared.
“Sounds nice.”
“You two can come along if you’d like; it’ll be nice to catch up,” Whitney suggested.
The two exchanged looks.
“I’m fine with it if you are,” Kenya says to Deena.
“Sure, let’s do it.”
“Great,” I said.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, touching Whitney’s arm.
She gives me a sweet smile. “Okay.”
After getting dressed, we all left for the park in separate cars. The park was nice and I was really happy that Deena and Kenya came with us. It would be nice for Whitney to have more people in her life, positive people who won’t use her.
“Come down the slide, Ryder,” Whitney said.
Ryder was just standing at the top of the slide, smiling at her.
“Come on, baby,” Whitney coaxed him.
He shook his head. “No,” he giggles.
Whitney shakes her head at the little guy. “Alright, well, mommy’s going bye-bye.”
She started walking away.
“No, mommy!” he said, coming down the slide.
Whitney comes up just in time to catch him, and he is having a laughing fit. Whitney covered his face in kisses, and I smiled at the two.
All I wanted to do was protect them. I would do it by any means necessary. Whitney went over to Kenya, where she was pushing her boys in the double swing. I watched as she put Ryder in the single swing that was beside them. Deena, who was with Kenya, started to walk over to me.
“Hey, you want to sit over there with me?” Deena asked, pointing to the bench in the shade.
“Sure.”
Deena and I walked over to the bench and we took a seat. I looked out onto the playground, and Whitney and Kenya looked like they were catching up.
“You stayed at her place two nights in a row,” Deena commented.
“Nothing happened,” I defended.
“You want something to happen, though,” She remarked.
I smiled. “Of course, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Whitney has a lot to deal with, and a relationship is not what she needs right now. She needs someone to be there for her and support her, and that’s what I’m doing.”
Deena smiles at me. “You’ve got it bad.”
“And you don’t?” I questioned. “Like you and Kenya don’t have a thing.”
“You can’t help who you fall for,” she says.
“So, looks like I’m not the only one who found a baby-mama,” I joked.
She laughs dryly.
“You’re lucky, Kenya seems nice.”
“She’s pretty great, actually, and I can’t believe how quickly I got attached to those boys.”
I sighed. “I know what you mean.”
“What about Parker? You haven’t broken things off with her yet.”
“I think we’ve been pretty much done since I told her I was in love with Whitney and that she was just the girl I’ve been fucking,” I shared.
Her jaw dropped. “You did not say that to her.”
“I did, and it was wrong. I apologized, but she dumped me.”
“I would have dumped your ass too if you said some shit like that to me.”
I laughed; it was pretty harsh.
“You light up when you’re around Whitney anyway.”
