Twenty-One Roses: A Romance, page 13
"I'm humiliated saying this story, Ryan, and also it would humiliate me even more if you tried to feel bad for them or give my parents money or anything. It's not about that. They're fine, and all of this is just…" I sighed and trailed off. "Let me back up and try to start at the beginning. My brother, William had talked to Nick, and I guess Nick told him about Aaron's money. Either way, William didn't have the story straight, and my mom thought there was money in that box. She was thinking that I had already told her she could have whatever was inside… you know… she was the one who talked to Aaron that night. She thought he was giving it to me with good intentions, and she wanted to keep it. She was mad that I gave it back tonight, and she exploded on me. She was crazy. I'm telling you all this because I need you to understand how humiliating and inappropriate it all is. I'm not going to have lunch with your perfect wonderful parents tomorrow. It made me realize that I'm not going to have lunch with them tomorrow or really any time."
"Don't say that, Bailey."
"No, I'm serious. I am a good actress, but I don’t want to do it in my everyday life."
"What does that even mean? That makes no sense."
"Yes, it does Ryan. My mom just completely exploded on me. I'm not feeling good about it, and I'm not feeling good about myself. I don't feel like I deserve you."
He adjusted, holding me closer. I could feel the muscles of his chest under the fabric of his shirt, and that longing, yearning feeling came back.
"I'm the one who doesn’t deserve you, Bailey. You're creative and talented, compassionate and smart. You're… being a part of your… growing up with your mom and your family… that's what made you who you are. You're able to tap into that acting stuff because of this kind of crap you have to go through."
I breathed, holding still, not knowing what to say. "I should have known you would say something smart like that, Ryan, but you weren't there. You weren't in the house when she was yelling at me. Your family is so nice and wonderful and normal, and… she's not a monster. I don’t want you to think she… she doesn't hurt me, physically or anything. They're good parents who try hard, for the most part."
He held me, rubbing my arm in a comforting manner. "You don't need to worry about lunch," he said. "But I think after you get some rest you'll get a different perspective about all this."
We sat there for a few minutes, both of us thinking.
"Ryan?"
"Yes."
"Please don't offer them money," I said.
"What makes you say that?"
"That's where I'm at right now in my thoughts. I've gotten to know you, and I know you're generous and thoughtful. At this point, I feel like you're going to feel obligated to help my parents because you think they're desperate, which they're not. This is not meant to be a conversation about that. It's overall mental health, and just… I don't even know what I'm saying."
"I know they're not desperate," he said. "And the other stuff is… it's late, and this is all bigger right now than it will be in the morning. Just come here."
He adjusted again, moving me to where I was situated further up in his arms. He made us comfortable and then he laid there and held me. He stayed there, unmoving while I rested my body and tried to comb through the tangled mess of my thoughts.
Chapter 19
I went to sleep feeling unsettled and unworthy, and I woke up in Ryan's arms. He must've felt me move, because he spoke to me right after I opened my eyes.
"Good morning," he said.
I got up and sat on the edge of the couch, unable to believe that I had slept there all night.
"Good morning. I'm sorry. I usually don't spend the night with…"
"I know you don't. It's not like that. I was worried about you, so I stayed. We both just laid here and slept."
I took a deep breath and stretched. I was still trying to get my thoughts together. Ryan stood up, and I felt like he was about to leave because of what I was saying. I missed him already. I was so back and forth with my thoughts and feelings that I was mad at myself for it. I had just opened my eyes, and I was already undecided and jaded.
"Bailey," he said.
"Yes."
"Take a minute to wake up. I'm going to do the same. I'll talk to you when you're ready. I figured you're going to church. I was thinking I might do the same."
"To my church?"
"No, we'll catch up later. When you're ready."
"Ryan, are you mad at me?" I asked.
"No. Of course not. Are you mad at me?"
"No. How could I be?"
"Okay, then, I'll talk to you later."
"Okay," I said.
He left me there, and I took my time waking up. I had more than an hour to get ready for church, and I made myself a cup of coffee and got dressed.
My parents were not at church, so I went by their house afterward. We made up as well as we could. My mother asked me again about the money, making sure that there was nothing she could say to make me ask for it back. I assured her that I did not want anything from Aaron and asked her sternly but nicely to never bring him or the money up again. She seemed to understand after that.
She didn't apologize for the spoiled brat comment, which would have felt great, but she apologized for other things, and we ended up having a pretty good conversation. She said that she had really been hurt by the fact that I gave it back to him without even thinking of them and their financial struggles. She was still playing the victim somewhat, but I called her out on it, and we hashed it out as well as we could.
I hoped to be like my mother in some ways, and in other ways, I would do everything in my power to avoid it. I forgave her for the outburst, though, and by the end of the visit, we were talking about Footloose, my brothers, and other things that weren't money. I stayed there for a couple of hours, working it out. My mother and I hugged when I left.
Some of the cast was getting together to go to a concert in the park that afternoon, and my group text was blowing up about that. I ignored it for the moment because I wanted to see if Ryan was home and what he had planned.
I went straight to the Blackbird and I called him while I was on my way. He picked up on the second ring.
"Hey, I'm driving or I would have texted you," I said.
"I'm driving, too, so it's good."
"Oh, where are you?"
"I just left my parents'," he said.
"Oh, yeah, lunch."
"I'm going back downtown."
"I'm headed there, too," I said.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"I’m feeling like I hope you're feeling good," I said. "I'm thinking about you. How did it go with your parents?"
"Good. They asked about you."
"They did? I'm sorry I wasn't there. What did they say? J-just tell me later."
"Did it go okay with your parents?"
"Yes," I said, knowing I could say so much more, but stopping myself. "It did."
"Good," he said. "I'll be home in fifteen minutes."
"I think I'll beat you there," I said. "We can maybe talk about going to a concert series later. Owen and Gina and all them are going. Can you come over to Danny's place when you get home?"
"Sure," he said.
"Ryan?"
"Yes."
"Can you forgive me for last night?"
"Yes. I'll see you in a minute."
I was smiling when I hung up with him. He was solid and stable, and I was thankful that he didn't seem deterred. He never once seemed helpless—he always appeared to be in control.
I made it to the apartment as quickly as I could and I freshened up, brushing my teeth and brushing my hair. I used a spray of my favorite perfume, walking through it so it wouldn't be too concentrated.
I knew I had five minutes to spare, so I did what I did all the time—I studied for my role. I would listen to the Footloose music tracks until Ryan arrived.
I had on clean clothes and socks, and I sat on the kitchen counter with my legs crossed in front of me. There was an open space of granite with a nice flat wall to lean against, so I sat comfortably on the counter. My headphones were noise canceling, and I could hear nothing but the music. I got lost in the visions in my mind—going through the motions of the scene while the song played and I listened to my vocal parts.
I knew Ryan would let himself in and that his arrival might come as a surprise to me, but that didn't stop me from gasping when I felt him touch my leg. I opened my eyes and gasped at the same time, smiling instantly when I saw that it was Ryan. He was smiling, too, and it was the best sight. When my eyes were closed, I had imagined him standing there like this.
I took off my headphones and set them by my side, getting to the edge of the counter. Ryan came to stand where my legs were dangling over the edge. I was as tall as him from my perch on the counter, and I liked looking at him from this angle. He rested his hands on my legs, and my heart danced—it leapt—it did all the things hearts did when they were in love.
I felt like last night he saw me at my worst, and yet here he was, standing there, touching me, staring up at me like he still loved me.
"Did you go to church?" I asked, looking at him, adoring him.
"Yes."
"Did you learn anything?" I asked.
"I prayed while I was there and asked God to bring you back to me, and here you are, so, yes, I think church went great. I had a nice time."
I ran my fingertips through the dark hair at his hairline. "I prayed so many times today that you would see past all this, Ryan. I realize that me freaking out and trying to leave is something my mother would do, and that scares me. I did the very thing I’m trying not to become. I want to be strong for you, and instead, I ran at the first sight of struggle. I promised your parents we'd have lunch, and I didn't make it happen. I'm sorry for that. I should have been stronger."
"You had to work things out with your parents," he said.
"Yeah, but no. Thank you, but there's no excuse. I won't do that again. I'm glad things are settled with my mom, but I should have been there hanging out with you guys today."
"I'm happy about where you are right now," he said, glancing at me with that easy smile.
"I was thinking about you when I sat up here and turned on my music," I said. "I pictured this whole scene. I was hoping you would come in and stand right here."
"Right here like this?" he asked, wrapping his hands around the outside of my legs.
"Yes. Just like this." I let my hands rest on his arms. "What did you tell your parents?" I asked.
"That you ate lunch with your parents."
I let out a little breath of a laugh. "I just realized I haven't eaten."
"It's two-thirty," he said.
"I know. I just forgot."
"Let's go get you something," he said.
"You just ate."
"I do have leftovers in the fridge, but you don't want that."
"I will eat it, unless you want it," I said.
"No, I brought it home with you in mind. It's like half of my meal that I didn't touch. My dad ordered four appetizers. Some of the appetizers are in the box, too."
"I would love to eat that right now," I said.
Ryan moved like he was ready to go, but I tightened the grip I had on him with my legs, pulling him in, keeping him there.
"Not yet," I said. "I was thinking about it all day, and I want you to know that I'm going to do better than I did last night. I'm an actress, so I should be able to be more stoic in a family crisis. I'm sorry I jumped to ending things. I shouldn't have done that." I touched the side of his face. "It would really hurt me if you did that, and I'm thankful you were so mature about it, Ryan. You were patient with me, and I don't feel like I've quite earned that yet, so thank you."
"Don't you know that I love you?" he said. He tilted his head, staring at me greedily, glancing at my mouth. "Has it registered that I'm crazy about you?"
"Are you?" I asked, my heart pounding.
"Do you know why you get the main roles, Bailey? It's because you're charming and unique, and it's difficult to look away from you. You light up a room when you walk into it. It's obvious that you're the leading lady. You're the star, and I'm just trying to catch you and put you in a jar. I'm trying to be here and walk next to you and breathe some of this fairy dust you leave in your wake." He stared sincerely at me as he said it, and I felt his big hands on me and his thumbs gently run over the skin of my thighs. I was gut-wrenched with love for him.
"You're the star," I said, because it was the truth. He already had my friends and my brother eating out of the palm of his hand.
"Really, though, Bailey. I don't care what made you the way you are. Your mother's ways, your family drama, whatever it is, good or bad, it produced you. You're good, and true, and raw and honest, and I was prepared to stop at nothing to convince you to stay with me. I wasn't even close to giving up."
I didn't know what to say. I felt unworthy of such kindness, such adoration. But I wasn't going to discourage him from loving me. I smiled shyly at him. I felt warm and fuzzy, and I knew I had to make sure our mouths met before I left this countertop.
"I know you're hungry," he said. "Let's go to my apartment and get some food."
He started to move, and I clamped my legs around him again. He was happy about that. He made it obvious that it was his pleasure to stand there a while longer. We stayed in Danny's kitchen for a few more minutes before we went over to Ryan's for food.
Chapter 20
Roughly a month later
Opening night
I found myself backstage at the Blackbird, and it was surreal. I lived upstairs, and I had walked down there a dozen times, and still, it was like a dream. The dressing rooms were outfitted with mirrors that were lined with those round white lights. It was lit up and full of costumes, makeup, flowers, props, and other clutter. The air was full of smells, perfumes, hairspray, and that underlying smell of the theater—wood floors and velvet curtains mixed with air conditioning. I listened to the low mumble of people chattering filling the dressing room.
It was Brandon's last show, and there we were at the most beautiful theater in Memphis—in what felt like the whole world. My heart was so full it felt like it might burst. I took a second to stare at my reflection in the mirror. Ariel Moore was a fun role, and we had sold out opening night.
My nerves were soaring, and my chest was tight. My mind was full, my heart was full, my eyes and ears were full. Everything was full to the top, and I took a deep, calming breath staring at myself, trying to take it all in, and knowing it was a special moment.
"Places in two minutes! Announcements are starting! Places in two!" Tori hollered, peeking her head into the dressing room.
Gina, Anne-Marie, and Sasha were playing my three best friends. Their characters were all bubbly and chatty, and they were in show mode, moving and shifting in the open space behind my chair.
One last breath, and it was time.
It was time for me to stand up and walk to the stage. I had done this a hundred times before, and I took comfort in the routine of it all. We had put ourselves into position and gone onto the set so many times that I was numb to certain aspects of it.
I had to rely on God's strength and enough practice because it was overwhelming to take my place at the side of the stage and come to terms with the fact that I was about to perform in front of a packed house at the Blackbird.
I heard them making announcements. It was Ryan and his mother. Emily had been known to make announcements before the shows here, and Ryan had joined her for this one. I knew he was going up there, and I knew he was going to crack a joke, but I still smiled and felt proud when I heard him say something that was followed by a good, hardy laugh. I loved to hear an audience react, and it made me feel calm when the sound of their laughter filled the room.
I heard someone behind me whisper, "It's going to be a great crowd," and I took another deep breath.
"Brandon said he loves you all," Tori whispered to us all, giving us the message which she had received from her walky-talky.
I nodded and smiled at her, but didn't say anything back. Before I knew what was happening, I saw Emily Fairchild and Ryan step behind the curtain and walk backstage.
Ryan stopped when he got to me, and in one quick motion, he leaned in and put his cheek to mine. I was wearing a wireless mic that was taped to my cheek, and he nimbly aimed for the other one.
"It's going to be amazing, I love you," Ryan said, whispering quietly in my ear. He was clean-shaven, smelling nice, and looking sharp. I touched the side of his masculine face. He was gorgeous and wonderful and had just charmed the crowd.
Ryan.
His presence and his words gave me courage.
"Thank you," I mouthed the words to him and we touched cheeks again before he took off with his mother. I smiled and waved to her as they walked away.
I didn't tell him I loved him. Everyone was looking at us, and he didn't need to hear it. He knew it. I smiled as he walked away, and I channeled all those feelings of attraction into the role of Ariel.
I went on stage at the right time.
I went through all of the motions, saying the lines and singing the songs. I did all the exiting and entering, and exiting and entering again. I felt comfortable and at home with Owen and the rest of the cast, and we had a straight blast during the whole show.
The crowd was amazing, and we were all on cloud nine about performing at the Blackbird. It was a fairly long show with an intermission, but the scenes were fast-paced and my role was so intense and high energy that it went by quickly. Shows were like that—countless hours of repetitive preparation and then the actual show just slipped through your fingers and was over in what seemed like a heartbeat.
The audience was great, the show went off without a hitch. Mostly. There was one small collision with ensemble members that resulted in a girl hitting her head on a set piece. That sort of stuff was normal, though. A few small mistakes were to be expected as well. It was honestly an amazing show. My co-stars were right there with me, and Owen stole the show as Ren McCormack. It was obvious why Brandon wanted to direct us in these roles because they fit our personalities.
