Princess of Prophecy (Servants of the Lady), page 1
Princess of Prophecy
Copyright © 2023
Alexander Thomas
www.AlexanderThomasAuthor.com
Cover by Marta Susic Obucina
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.
Editorial Reviews
“…smoothly written, though relentlessly facetious… Thomas' humor is all-pervasive, ranging from droll and throwaway to absurdist and bludgeoning. The story rattles along and will tickle plenty of funny bones—as long as readers are prepared to take nothing seriously.
Determinedly amusing; a playful swipe at the quest genre (and society).
OUR VERDICT: GET IT.” —Kirkus Reviews
From Goodreads (Advance Reader Copies)
“This book was hilarious! Very much in a mocking kind of way but I loved it…” —Bryanna
“…I was giggling from beginning to end…” —Susan
“This book was so much fun! … It was an entertaining and light-hearted read, so much fun and sarcastic…” —Lettering Library
“… I really really enjoyed this book! It had me giggling maniacally most of the way…” —Karen Loc
“…relentlessly silly… I enjoyed it and would recommend it if you're looking for a silly lighthearted and enjoyable read.” —Laura
“Absolutely one of my favourite books this year! …I couldn't stop grinning while reading…” —Susanne
For Mary, a fighter.
Table of Contents
Ominous Prologue
Chapter 1 - Princess
Chapter 2 - Prophecy
Chapter 3 - Knight
Chapter 4 - Barbarian
Chapter 5 - Dunswell
Chapter 6 - Plains
Chapter 7 - School
Chapter 8 - Council
Chapter 9 - Hills
Chapter 10 - River
Chapter 11 - Haffleton
Chapter 12 - Bluntworth
Chapter 13 - Tavern
Chapter 14 - Feast
Chapter 15 - Visitors
Chapter 16 - Badlands
Chapter 17 - Caverns
Chapter 18 - Lich
Chapter 19 - Healer
Chapter 20 - Archives
Chapter 21 - Teacup
Chapter 22 - Peril
Chapter 23 - Bandits
Chapter 24 - Defenders
Chapter 25 - Champion
Chapter 26 - Fisticuffs
Chapter 27 - Negotiations
Chapter 28 - Battle
Chapter 29 - Assault
Chapter 30 - Victory
Chapter 31 - Night
Chapter 32 - Moonflow
Chapter 33 - Dragon
Chapter 34 - Bishop
Chapter 35 - Farewells
Chapter 36 - Home
About the Author
Offerdell and the Lands Beyond
Excerpt from The Chronicler's Guide:
Two rules must ye follow when chronicling the fulfillment of a prophecy.
First, each chapter must lead with an insightful quote from an authoritative reference work, so the reader knows the Chronicler is learned and serious about their craft.
Second, the chronicle itself must begin with an…
Ominous Prologue
Harken ye to the provenance of the accursed Teapot, lest ye sip tea of a slightly uncomfortable temperature.
Or have your homeland ravaged by the undead.
— Considered Revelations, Book 94 “Origin Myths Worthy of Some Serious Harkening”, Chapter 13, Verse 5
In the beginning days, the Elder Gods desired a universe to play with. Being far too lazy and arrogant to do this with their own hands, they created a race of titans to build it for them, complete with stars and nebulae and termites.
Elder Gods, of course, are oblivious to the well-being of anyone else, including titans. So there was a lot of back-and-forth over the exact placement of continents, the cycles of seasons, and other questions around titan pay and break time and the treatment of subcontractors. Thus was the first universe and the first labor union created at the same time.
And though the titans were nearly gods themselves, with supreme powers and generous contract terms, some were bitter and vengeful about excessive interference in their artistic judgment and uninspiring overtime pay. These titans knew better than to complain to all-powerful, unpredictable Elder Gods, and so they took out their frustrations on their creations, and played with the new mortal races just as the Elder Gods played with the titans.
A particularly cruel group of titans procured a cursed Teapot and Teacup, which served tea that remained a few degrees too hot no matter how long you waited for it to cool. They also enchanted the ceramics to bestow immortality and other powers on their owner. They placed the relics, along with some tea leaves and fresh water, in a large Castle of Terror, in the middle of the Badlands. The titans proclaimed the Teapot and Teacup—and even the Castle itself—free to anyone that could best them in combat.
Mortal champions from the four corners of the earth (for at the time, the world was still flat) rushed to the challenge, with predictable results. Great warriors were smote with fire, great armies were swallowed whole by the land, and great wizards were smote with fire again, since the titans had a ready supply of fire on hand.
After a while the Bishop of the nearby town of Bluntworth decided she'd seen enough senseless violence, and asked the titans to lay off. But they only laughed at her, and mocked her backcountry accent.
So she sent messages to the greatest wizard of the age, the legendary Omondi, and he challenged the titans for the cursed tea set, even though he was more of a coffee drinker himself. For three days and three nights they battled—with short breaks every few hours as per titan union rules—but ultimately Omondi was victorious, and the disgraced titans slunk away to another part of the universe, where they could torment different mortals with different relics on a different planet.
Omondi put the Teapot on the mantle, so he could keep a close eye on it. Then he sealed the other relics away in chests, and cast spells upon them such that no mortal hand could touch them.
He waved to the Bishop, and she waved back, and for a few days, the earth knew peace. But then, just as Omondi was getting ready for the most important day of his life, his own apprentice stabbed him. For the promise of immense power had corrupted the junior mage, even to the point where he would betray his own master. He leaped over the fallen Omondi and grasped the Teapot, and all of its great powers became his.
Some of the relic's capabilities, such as opening wormholes to other galaxies or changing the melting point of vanadium, were beyond his simple tastes. But he was thrilled with the prospect of life unending, and the ability to summon the dead to serve him.
The Bishop cursed the apprentice, swearing that if anyone dared to pour tea with him, the relics would fail. The apprentice scorned her, and attempted to smite her, but being both clumsy and not very bright, he overdid his smiting, and caused a large earthquake instead. Mountains trembled, trees swayed, and a large wave swept a confused sea serpent into a small lake in the northlands, where you can still see him today.
But the epicenter of the quake was the Castle of Terror itself, which promptly collapsed in a tumult of stone and expensive roofing tiles, the tallest tower toppling over and flattening the entire structure with a mighty roar. When the dust settled, not even a single brick remained above the earth.
The apprentice, of course, had the misfortune to be standing in the center of the calamity. Though crushed under the collapsed Castle of Terror, he clutched the Teapot, and so it regenerated him as a lich.
The apprentice didn't know what a lich was, and had to look it up in a tome that had survived the cataclysm. Hunched over the book in a dimly lit cavern far underground, he discovered that a lich is like a zombie but smarter, and carries all their faculties and powers from the old life into the new.
In this case, the apprentice was reanimated as an undead magician of rather middling capabilities. Despite being trapped in the ruins of the castle, he knew that time was on his side. He could stay there for centuries, using the Teapot to grow in power and malice until he was a horrible Lich King, ready to conquer the entire world.
And eventually someone gullible would come by and free him.
Chapter 1
Princess
If you are able to choose, I highly recommend the job of Princess.
— Considered Revelations, Book 16 “Practical Occupations”, Chapter 3, Verse 7
Far from the dangerous parts of the world lay the quiet Kingdom of Offerdell. It was a pleasant land, warm and verdant in the summer, cold but cozy in the winter, with a robust farming ethic and a surprisingly efficient postal service.
North stood the Teeth of Janks, dark mountains of sheer cliffs and ice that kept the barbarians at bay. The great river Halstrop ran as an impenetrable barrier further west, protecting Offerdell from the roaming monsters and predatory merchants of the wild lands of Kell. East lurked the Forest of Madness, through which no army would dare to venture. South sprawled the Flower Hills, which you might think were safe, but were actually infested with trolls and their two-headed cousins, ettins, and at least one viciously aggressive skunk.
No, the Kingdom of Offerdell was quite insulated from the outside world, leaving its citizens to tend their gardens in peace. This was to everyone'
Fortunately, being a very practical King and Queen, they had produced two royal children, an eldest Prince to inherit the throne, and a younger Princess upon whom to shower their love and affection, and of course marry off once she was old enough, which was any day now. The thing about marriage is that it requires not just one, but two people to participate, a truth known to most of the citizens of Offerdell, and so there was continual speculation as to who exactly the Princess might marry.
Would it be the swarthy Sir Chad of the Southport Borderlands, burdened with neither worry nor wit? Or perhaps the passionate Prince Juan Ramirez, known for his smooth conversation and charming smile? There was even an outside bet that the spoiled son of King Girard was in the running, since the royal houses of both countries were close friends.
But by far the most eligible suitor, and the favorite, was the dashing Prince Mikhail. Younger citizens of Offerdell swooned at the mention of the tall, dark and handsome Prince, with sparkling blue eyes and sharp black outfit. The older citizens noted his great wealth, increasing land holdings, and smooth speaking style. And he cut an exceptionally empathetic figure, mourning the recent passing of his previous wife, coming unfortunately on the heels of the death of the wife before that, which followed the heartbreaking demise of his first wife, all due to hunting accidents. The Prince mourned them all, a deep melancholy that lasted for over a day, seemingly not placated by the entreaties by friends or the outsized dowries of his late spouses.
It was generally agreed that such a fine young man deserved a break from the recent tragedies of his life, and that Princess Maryan of Offerdell was the perfect match, since she was of marrying age and went hunting all the time with no fatal accidents yet.
“You see, dear,” explained the Queen one evening, “he's loved by everyone, and has a fantastic estate. It's a beautiful castle looking over a river. And the trees on his castle grounds are always decorated.”
“Decorated with cages containing condemned prisoners?”
“That's the thing, dear, he's romantic and witty but also tough on crime.”
Maryan sighed as she looked out the window. From here, high up in a slender tower of Offerdell's palace, she could look out and see the bright fields of the kingdom spread out before her. To the east a small thundercloud sped towards her, casting a shadow on the ground, a shadow which followed the road with unerring accuracy.
Maryan frowned. “Mom, did you invite Prince Mikhail to dinner tonight?”
“Oh, I'm so glad you approve!” The Queen clapped her hands together. “Given that all of the kingdom will be celebrating the May Day Banquet tonight, your father and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get you love birds together. You know, in case he needed to ask you any important questions.” The Queen winked at her.
“Mom—”
“You know, dear, the palace is so dreadfully quiet these days. I miss the pitter-patter of little feet, don't you?”
“Mom—”
“Oh, my, is that the Prince already?”
They looked down at the shadowed carriage, moving swiftly towards them on the road, pulled by two mighty gray chargers. An escort of troops in bright red livery rode before and after.
“An impressive entrance, don't you think, dear? I just love his honor guard.”
“They're Death Knights, Mom. They're undead, sworn to serve Prince Mikhail forever, and they suck the soul out of anyone they kill.”
“They have sharp uniforms, though, don't they? So few young men these days take their appearance seriously. It's refreshing.” Her mother stepped back from the window and smoothed her skirts. “Well, dear, I'm sure you'll want to get ready. You need to look your best tonight.”
“Mom—”
“And wear some nice grandkids, all right, dear? Oh my, did I say grandkids? I don't know where that came from. I meant, wear some nice bracelets. They'll make your wrists look thinner.”
“Bye, Mom.”
“Of course, dear, see you at the banquet tonight.”
Once the Queen had left, Princess Maryan selected a black dress from her wardrobe, and a pair of chunky boots.
Her maid-in-waiting raised an eyebrow as she tied the belt in the back. “Isn't this what you wore to your uncle's funeral, Your Highness?”
“It's perfect.” Maryan regarded her hair in the long mirror. Her brown curls perched up in a severe bun. “What would you say are my least attractive bracelets?”
“The bronze ones with wyverns, definitely, ma'am.”
“Fetch those, will you?”
The maid-in-waiting rolled her eyes but dutifully trudged back into the deepest recesses of the closet.
A powerful knock shook the door. “Hello, can I come in?”
“Of course, Dad.”
King Albert of Offerdell strode into the room, his quick gray eyes taking in the window, her dress, and the table in the corner. “I see you still play those silly games. Isn't it time you grew out of them?”
“It's not a silly game, Dad. It's the siege of Allendale. You gave me the book yourself.” Maryan strode over, gesturing at the small figurines, carved knights and infantry of blue and red on a detailed map. “The defending infantry had lined up here, then the opposing line made a charge around the right flank—”
“Yes, yes.” The King waved at the board, then turned his back to it, facing her squarely. “But it's time to move beyond tactics and consider strategy, Maryan.”
“Such as?”
“Such as alliances, and the creation of those blessed family bonds which bring distant countries together in peace, a peace which provides superior strength.” He stroked his trim beard, shot through with regal streaks of white. “Anyone can win a battle. But winning a war, now that's something special.”
“I wasn't aware we were at war, Dad.”
He laughed, a hearty belly laugh that shook the room, rich and long and utterly insincere, in the way of all kings. “Here, stand by me at the window. No, not that close. There, like that. Now, look out and tell me what you see.”
“What do you want me to see? Sharks circling us?”
“That's my girl. The world is a dangerous place for a small kingdom. We must be ever vigilant, my dear.”
“You always say that.”
“Yes, well, now we put those words into action. It is time for you to think of how you might best contribute to the kingdom's safety and security.”
“By marrying a vampire?”
“Please, my good Maryan, you should stop making jokes about Prince Mikhail's teeth! He's a good man, despite what his subjects say.”
