Longing for Shelter, page 20
Instead, Jacob leaned forward pressing his forehead to Seth's temple. "We can help you Seth. We can take the emptiness away. But you have to accept us."
Seth struggled, his body contorting and kicked out weakly in an attempt to push Jacob away. Almost retching, he sobbed, "No. My Alpha is dead. Oh god! My mother. I want my mother." All the strength seemed to go from his body and he collapsed against Caleb, heaving great sobbing breaths.
Jacob sat back on his heels, no longer needing to restrain the exhausted boy. Caleb's face was desperate, a reflection of the agony Seth was experiencing. He pulled Seth close and bent his head to whisper in his ear. "Enough now. She wouldn't want this. She would want you to live. We won't replace her, Seth, no one could do that. But it will give you some peace. It's time, son."
It took some time, with Seth protesting again and again, keeping on with his stubborn self destruction. It wouldn't have surprised Jacob if they’d never been able to change his mind. Caleb's father had more experience and stature than the two of them combined and he hadn't been able to persuade the boy, so Jacob could only hope that Seth might come around. But eventually, the boy tired, gradually losing his resolve and the will to fight. Still, neither Alpha could have been more surprised when Seth's cries quieted and he looked up at Caleb with wide eyes and asked, "Now?"
Caleb smiled softly and nodded. "Yes. Now."
Seth's mouth opened and closed again without making a sound. Jacob held his breath and thanked the goddess when Seth uttered Caleb's name with the intention behind it. Jacob felt the connection immediately, his wolf latching onto Seth's, gathering him into the pack. It was elating and frightening in the same breath; an intrusion, danger, followed swiftly by a sensation of belonging, wholeness and the need to protect.
Seth must have felt it too as he wailed again but the tears that came were tears of relief. Jacob picked up the blanket and covered him. With Caleb's help they wrapped Seth up, and held him, sitting silently with their arms around him until the boy fell asleep. Wordlessly, and as carefully as they could, they got to their feet, Jacob helping Caleb to lift the boy into his arms. They shared a smile over his lolling head, then carried their new pack member back to the house.
Chapter Fourteen
Seth was aware of the pain in his head and the sick feeling in his belly before he really knew he was waking up. In the end, it was the late afternoon sun that lay hot on his cheeks and pierced his eyelids that finally roused him. He resisted as long as he could. His throat felt ragged and there was an awful taste in his mouth that made him think he had vomited, although his brain was too clouded to remember or think. He ached all over. Every movement elicited some fresh pain from whatever muscle was required. Groaning, he rolled onto his side, then regretted it immediately, thinking for a second that he might throw up again, until a hand came to rest on his shoulder and Jacob's voice drifted softly into his consciousness.
"And there I was thinking you might sleep all day. How do you feel? Do you want some water?"
Seth relaxed into the words. Something about them was so soothing, like a balm on his aching soul. For the first time in a long time, Seth felt like he had nothing to fear. All he had to do was follow that voice and all would be well. It was comforting and fortifying. There was a moment where Seth simply sighed and let his heavy body drop into the bed but then the realization of where he was and what must have happened for him to feel that way had his eyes opening wide despite the shock of the bright room on them.
Seth was in his own bed, naked—Oh god, I stripped naked in the saloon—Jacob was sat at his bedside, his large frame squeezed into the small space where a chair had been placed between the bed frame and the wall. Oh god, Malcolm saw me. Goddess forgive me, he brought me home didn't he? Seth thought for a moment that Caleb, Thaddeus and Ephraim might have been in the room too, but as he glanced blearily around, Seth saw he and Jacob were alone. Closing his eyes again, he let his head fall back to the pillow and lay he hands on his chest. Oh god, Caleb threw me in the creek and…
Seth sighed and his tongue dipped out between his lips to wet them before he spoke. "I can feel it." His voice was croaky so he cleared his throat. It stung but he went on. "I can feel them. I can feel you." He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Jacob. His Alpha.
Jacob smiled gently and Seth could feel the warmth of it for the first time. "That's good. You going to throw up again?"
Seth huffed out a laugh and it sent a stabbing pain through his temple. He winced and brought his hand up. "No. Maybe. I think I might die of embarrassment first."
"I wouldn't be surprised if you did after what went on today."
Seth glanced over at Jacob, hoping he was joking but knowing he wasn't. "Mal saw me didn't he?"
Jacob smiled and shook his head. "Son, we all saw you. Every bit of you, unfortunately. And I expect half the town did too." Seth groaned and tried to roll back over but Jacob was having none of it and stood, leaning over the bed, saying, "Stop that. Come on. Let's sit you up. You need to drink some water."
"Only if it has aconite in it."
Jacob laughed and reached under Seth's arms, pulling him up while Seth tried to move into a sitting position. Seth wasn't sure he could have managed it himself and was grateful for the help, even though it made him feel like a child. Once he was upright, Jacob handed him a nightshirt, giving Seth the credit to be able to at least partly dress himself. Seth wrestled the thing over his head then pulled it down over his sore chest to cover himself, eyeing the cup Jacob was already offering him before taking it. He sipped slowly at Jacob's urging, unsure of which of them was less keen on Seth vomiting again. Halfway through the cup, Seth quietly murmured, "I'm sorry," without looking up.
Jacob sighed. "I know you are. And I appreciate the apology. You know, you have a few more people to apologize to, though?"
Seth nodded. It went without saying that Jacob was talking about the family downstairs but Seth knew it wouldn't end there. "I'm guessing I've lost my job with Henry already, no matter what I say. I hope the sheriff will at least let me apologize to him before he sends me back." He huffed out a laugh and looked up. "I'm not sure anyone at the saloon would have been offended too badly, at least."
Jacob didn't seem to find that very funny. "I was thinking mostly of Malcolm."
A wave of empty horror passed though Seth, making his stomach turn over. His covered his eyes with his hand. "Oh god. I know. What must he think of me?"
Jacob shrugged. "I think he must think a great deal of you—he's still here, waiting for you to wake up after all." Seth's hand moved from his eyes to his mouth as he retched in surprise. Looking up at Jacob with wide eyes, he found Jacob smiling. "He's a good friend, Seth."
Seth shook his head. "You sure he's not just waiting to drag me off to jail?"
"Well, it could be that but I don't think so. He's been worried, Seth. We all have." Jacob shifted in his seat, and rubbed his palms against his knees as if drying them. "Do you—do you remember what happened at the creek?"
Seth shook his head, wincing at the pain it caused. "Not really. But I can guess." His hand went to the cuts on his chest, ones he knew were self-inflicted. They were already healing but more importantly, the ache, the empty space that had been beneath it since his family were killed, was gone. And in its place was a warmth and sense of belonging that had Seth fit to burst. Seth frowned down at the cup in his hand. "I—I understand though. If you and Caleb want to take it back. If it was a mistake or you're having second thoughts or—"
"Do you think we're the kind of people to have second thoughts about inviting someone into our pack?" Jacob sounded more hurt than angry.
Seth shook his head and let it drop in shame of having asked the question. "No. No, I suppose not. I just thought, given the way I seem to ruin everything—"
Jacob's embrace took Seth completely by surprise. But the strong arms around him were welcome and he melted into the feeling of his Alpha's protection. Jacob whispered, "You haven't ruined anything." Seth thought he meant to say more but there was a quiet knock at his door and Jacob pulled away asking, "You feeling up to visitors?"
Seth felt a little guilty that Jacob was treating Seth as if he were ill, rather than simply suffering the self-inflicted after-effects of drinking bad whiskey. He felt queasy and like he wanted to close his eyes and drift back to sleep but he nodded all the same.
Jacob called out, "Come in," and the door opened so slowly, Seth could hardly bear the suspense. Ephraim and Martha stood outside, Ephraim carrying a jug and Martha with a plate in her hands. Both of them looked at Seth as if they'd never seen him before, gawping in the hallway until Jacob, rolling his eyes, called them in.
Ephraim stepped forward offering the jug to Jacob but addressing Seth. "Malcolm made this for you. Said it should help with…well, help you feel better." Ephraim didn't take his eyes from Seth and Seth could understand why. Instinctively, he sat forward and opened his arms and Ephraim lunged forward and embraced his new pack member for the first time. They held each other as tight as they could, then rubbed their cheeks together, each of them almost laughing, then drew apart smiling.
Martha cleared her throat and held out the plate to Seth. It held a few pieces of plain bread. "Papa said you should eat something." In contrast to Ephraim, her eyes were trained on the floor, a slight tinge of red to her cheeks and her voice had a hard edge to it. Seth was disappointed that the connection he now felt to Ephraim didn't extend to his sister, and he imagined she must be feeling isolated from the experience of the Weres too. It made him feel selfish, having resisted joining the pack for so long when she would never have the opportunity to join in the same way. He gently drew the plate from her hand, waiting patiently for her to look up before opening his arms to her as he had done to her brother. She smiled softly and came forward, sliding her arms around his neck and letting him pull her close. Seth rubbed his cheek against Martha's as he had done with Ephraim and whispered, "Thank you."
Martha's hold on him tightened briefly then she pulled away, a bright smile on her face although that faded quickly and she asked with great concern, "Are you really all right?"
It was Seth's turn to blush then and he looked down into his lap. "Yes and I'm—I'm so sorry for—before. That you had to see—that…" He looked up only when he heard Ephraim snickering.
Martha was looking at her brother in confusion but clearly his expression of amusement communicated something as she took a deep breath and turned back saying, "Oh, that with the…" She waved her hand dismissively. "I've seen Pa and Papa with no clothes on plenty of times so you shouldn't be embarrassed. I was mostly worried 'cause I thought Papa was going to drown you this time."
Jacob frowned. "Martha."
His voice was heavy with disapproval and the girl blushed accordingly and hung her head, mumbling, "I know he wouldn't really, Pa."
Any further thoughts on the topic were interrupted when there was the thunder of tiny feet in the hallway and Thaddeus burst into the room. He barged between Ephraim and Martha, and jumped up onto the bed. He clambered up Seth's prone form and clamped his arms around Seth's neck, almost choking the man. Two seconds later, Caleb loomed in the doorway, saying apologetically, "Sorry, He just wouldn't wait any longer."
Seth tried to nod but it only made the tiny Alpha hold him tighter and Seth coughed. Jacob stood and tried to prise Thaddeus gently from Seth. "Come on Tad. Be careful. Seth isn’t feeling well." But all it achieved was Thaddeus growling into Seth's ear.
Seth smiled and took Thaddeus by the shoulders and whispered, "You don't want me to be sick on you, do you?" At that the grip relaxed and Thaddeus slowly sat back. He regarded Seth carefully for a moment before saying quietly, "Mine now." Seth felt his eyes sting with tears and for a moment could only nod. "Yes, Tadpole."
Leaning forward, he brushed his cheek against Thaddeus's and Thaddeus did the same, although when he looked poised to attach himself to Seth again, Jacob intervened, scooping the boy up and turning to Ephraim and Martha. "I think we should go down now, let Seth get some rest." There was no choice in the matter for the children so they dutifully filed out, but rest seemed to be the last thing Seth was going to get as Caleb was right there as soon as the others had gone.
Seth steeled himself for whatever lecture or berating was about to come. He was already trying to find the words that could express how sorry he was, when something worse than he imagined happened. Instead of entering the room, Caleb stepped back and looked behind him, and to Seth's horror, Malcolm slowly walked past Caleb and up to the foot of Seth's bed.
He stood there for a moment, his arms hanging stiff at his sides, hands balled into fists, not looking at Seth exactly but past his head, out the window behind the bed. Seth could feel the color draining from his face and was glad he was on a soft surface in case he fell into a dead faint with the embarrassment of it all.
Caleb cleared his throat. "You two should talk but—well, leave the door open and I'll be right out here. Seth? Don't you have something to say to Malcolm?"
Seth rolled his eyes and considered pulling the sheet clear up over his head to hide from the both of them. Instead, he hung his head and tried not to let his swirling insides get the better of him.
They stayed that way for a minute until Caleb cleared his throat again from the hall, prompting Malcolm to ask, "Can I sit?"
Seth nodded but didn't look up. "If you can stand to be in the same room with me." Malcolm made for the chair so quickly it made Seth start. He reared back a little and their eyes met briefly but Seth couldn't bear the thought of what he might find in a look between them and turned away again. "I suppose I shouldn't worry about you harming me with my protector out there."
Malcolm frowned. "Firstly, you know I would never harm you, Wolf. And second," his voice dropped to a whisper, "I think Caleb's concerned less with your safety than your virtue."
Seth's jaw dropped and he looked at Malcolm with incredulity. Not wanting to give anything away to the Alpha who could undoubtedly hear Malcolm's whispers quite clearly, Seth mouthed the words, You told him about us?
Malcolm went from looking almost guilty to shocked in a second and violently shook his head. Seth sighed and nodded. Closing his eyes, he began, "Malcolm, I'm so sorry—"
Malcolm's hand reached out and touched the bed briefly before he glanced to the open doorway and then pulled it back to his lap. "Please don't. I feel like I'm partly to blame for this—"
Seth shook his head, astonished that should be Malcolm's response. "What are you talking about? I'm the one who has let you down."
But Malcolm wouldn't have it. "If I had paid more attention, listened to you instead of—I have been in your position. I should have seen what was coming and helped you."
Seth wanted to slap the man. "No. This is my fault. I've embarrassed you, and betrayed our friendship. Please let me apologize to you."
Malcolm shook his head. "I just want to know that you're all right. Are you? All right?"
Malcolm's voice was so earnest and full of yearning, Seth felt undeniably drawn to him as he had the first time they met, like the pull of the moon in his chest. He wanted to wrap his arms around Malcolm's neck and pull the weight of him down onto him like a protective blanket. But all he did was whisper, "I'm all right. I feel dreadful but I'm not hurt. Only in the hurt I've caused you all."
Malcolm smiled softly but looked down at his fingers, worrying the edge of the sheet that was dangling close to his knee. "Is it true?" His voice was quiet, concerned. "That you’re part of the pack now." It was a question but felt much more than that.
"Yes."
Malcolm nodded. "Does that mean you'll stay then? That you won't leave." Me. Malcolm mouthed the final word, his breath running out before he got to it, by accident or perhaps by design.
Seth couldn't believe it. "Why? Why on earth would you want me to stay after everything? After all the trouble I've caused. After I lied to you. After I—after today!"
Malcolm sighed and looked up and Seth was surprised to see he was smiling. He was even more surprised when Malcolm reached out and took Seth's hand. "You're an idiot if you don't know why, Seth Mason. Our—friendship—means a great deal to me, you must know this." There was nothing but love in Malcolm's expression, and maybe a little exasperation, and for a moment it overwhelmed Seth. He was almost glad when the sound of Caleb clearing his throat came from the hallway. Malcolm slowly withdrew his hand, still smiling and clearly regretting nothing.
But Seth couldn't quite bring himself to return the smile. "I don't know if I will stay, Mal. It's not up to me. The sheriff and the Council will decide and after today…" He looked away, wanting more than anything to feel the warmth of Malcolm's hand once more.
Malcolm leaned forward and whispered, "I'll talk to John. I won't let him send you away." With that he stood abruptly. "I should be getting back. I'll call on you tomorrow if that's all right—"
Seth grabbed him by the wrist. "No—I mean. Can you stay? I have to tell Caleb and Jacob something and I think you should hear it too. I've not known what to do and—"
Caleb appeared in the doorway looking concerned. "Everything all right?"
Malcolm shrugged and looked just as worried. As Seth's hand dropped away from Malcolm's arm, there were footsteps coming up the stairs and Jacob appeared behind his mate. 'What's happened?"
"I don't know. Seth's going to tell us something."
"So, I heard."
"Well?" Caleb's voice wasn't angry but he clearly didn't want to have to wait. "What do you have to say?"
Seth tried, but somehow he couldn't find the words. His mouth kept opening but nothing came out. Eventually Malcolm laid his hand on Seth's shoulder and said softly, "Out with it, Wolf."
Seth closed his eyes. "There's no excuse for what—what happened today. I don't expect forgiveness or…"
"We don't blame you for wanting to block out the memory, Seth."
