The Self Preservation Society, page 16
Colin cruises along in his Pink Panther outfit; towering over everyone, he can see people staring up at the giant cartoon character running along. He estimates that he may only have another half – mile to go before the rented Datsun will be filled with fur and money.
He is getting himself prepared when a BBC outside broadcaster grabs him and thrusts a mic up under his long pink and white nose to ask him how it’s going.
The presenter, an Olympian from the 1980’s gets a message in his earpiece.
“It’s Robert Marley. Ask where he’s from and who he’s running for?”
The BBC Marathon ‘expert’ asks
“Hi, this is Robert Marley. How’s it going and who are you running for?”
Colin draws a deep breath and answers in a real thick Bob Marley accent.
“Yes mi bredren. Blessed, tings good, mi cool an carpasetic, I man jus a flex.
Haile Selassie I bless ti-day higha, sun a blaze, but mi foot bottom dem raw
like mi grater dem. Everyone a flex, nuff people out ya de bus up di race course. Is a lovely ting fi see nuff people out ya. Big up to all de runna dem.. Selassie I Know. Respect.”
The pundit looks completely bemused as Colin breaks away and runs on.”
Harold and Jason jog along with the crowd’s cheers helping every step. The atmosphere really great as the fun runners and slower, older groups flow past. The emotion of the day; the stress, the anxiety, the waiting, the exhilaration all collide and Jason and Harold wave to the crowd, jump around and generally join in the day’s excitement. The sun is out and the early morning chill has been replaced by a warm glow for early April.
Harold raises his arms and does a little jig as he trots along. Waving to the crowd, the children all happy to wave back at the big cuddly bear, Harold is ecstatic.
He can feel the heat of his body growing inside the bear costume, coated in money and packed in tight, together with the heat of the sun all making him perspire.
Rivulets of sweat start to roll down his face making the inside of the bear’s head damp. His eyes struggling to stay focused as he jogs along.
He starts to feel a little light-headed and his eyes start to glaze over. His breathing gets more hurried and his arms start to feel too heavy to lift. No more waving. His eyes roll and he starts to lose his balance. Then he feels Jason holding his arm and trying to talk to him as his balance completely goes and he passes out.
Nigel Tallin and Martin Butcher spray the fire extinguisher on the destroyed pile of boiler suits and baseball caps. Only ashes remain and then they see that the only reason the entire building hasn’t burned down is that the flaming pile is on a marble floor.
As the clothing pile lays smoking, help arrives. Sirens blaring, two fire engines screech to a halt outside the bank. Three squad cars, headlights flashing, and two unmarked cars with four robbery homicide detectives all pull up next to the fire engines.
Nigel and Martin lead the detectives to the open vault. They all stand and stare at the mess in front of them.
Detective Paul Davies shakes his head.
“Oh Christ. This is going to be all over the shop tomorrow. Has anyone got hold of the manager of this place yet?”
He looks at Nigel and Martin who both shake their heads.
“Ok. Call the duty Sergeant. He’ll have the key holder’s details at the station. We need to find out how much has gone then try and find out who’s nicked it.”
He looks at the black leather holdalls and pulls on a pair of plastic gloves. He pulls back the handles and peers inside. He sees a few bundles of notes.
“Maybe they were interrupted. Looks like they were planning to stuff these bags with the cash. We might just have caught a break.”
He turns to the other detectives standing nearby.
“Have a look around. Forensics are on their way. See if you can find out how they got in.”
Two plainclothes detectives head for stairs; Nigel and Martin shrug their shoulders; Nigel raises his eyebrows as if to convey that these detectives are not the sharpest tools in the box.
Sergeant Mark Green picks up the phone and dials the number in the file. The phone rings a few times and a woman’s voice answers.
“Hello yes. Could I speak with a Mister Henry Stanton please?”
“Certainly. May I say who’s calling?”
“Yes, it’s Sergeant Mark Green of Marylebone Police Station.”
A small silence at the other end of the phone.
“Oh, ok, I’ll just get him.”
Cynthia Stanton places the receiver on the table and walks into the conservatory and taps her husband on the arm.
“Telephone dear.”
Henry Stanton looks at his wife. He’s angry she has interrupted his Marathon experience.
She continues.
“It’s the police.”
The colour drains from Henry. J. Stanton’s face. This could be the call he has always dreaded. He walks into the main house and picks up the phone.
“Hello. This is Henry Stanton.”
“Hello Mister Stanton. I’m afraid we need you to come to the bank immediately.”
“Why? What’s happened?”
“It appears there has been a break-in and a fire. We have got detectives and the fire brigade on site but we need you there as soon as possible. I’ve dispatched a squad car to pick you up. It should be with you in about ten minutes.”
“Thank you. I’ll get my keys.”
He replaces the receiver.
Mark Green looks at the dead phone in his hand.
“Bit bloody late for that mate.”
Ron Gale a.k.a. The Chicken grabs The Rabbit’s arm and pulls Phil to a halt.
“Ok Bugs, I’m fucked. I need a rest. I’ll puke if I carry on. I need to sit down.”
He walks to the edge of the throng and spots a bench. He walks over and sits down. Two St Johns Ambulencemen ask if he is ok. He waves them away as he raises the chicken head. Phil hands him a bottle of water. He downs half the small bottle in one gulp.
Phil The Rabbit sits down beside him. He’s glad of the rest but not about to admit it.
The St Johns Ambulencemen turn away as their attention is caught by a large bear whirling around being held up by a gorilla. The bear collapses onto the tarmac right in front of them.
The gorilla is still trying to help the bear to its feet but gives up and helps it collapse in a more gentle way so as not to crash too hard onto the floor.
The two first aid workers rush into the Marathon and help the bear into a more comfortable position from which they can offer assistance.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CAPTURE
Owen Nottage and John Lawford, part time St John’s Ambulance assistants have been helping out at the London Marathon for the past six years. Blisters, bleeding, pulled muscles, dehydration, toenails ripped off, a broken arm, sprained ankles, twisted knees, they are ready for anything. The bear they see collapse in front of them is obviously too hot. They rush in and pull it (it could be a him, could be a her, they don’t know and their training teaches them to never second guess what might be under a costume) out of harms way.
As they drag Harold to the kerb, Jason, in his gorilla suit, stands, watching his dreams disappear. He should run. Save yourself, every fibre of his being is screaming. He can’t leave Harold alone; that wouldn’t be right. So he watches.
Owen removes the bear head and sees a very red faced, sweaty head, surrounded by money, lots of money.
“Bloody hell. He’s done well on the charity front.”
John looks on.
“That’s unbelievable. He’s carrying a ton of weight. No wonder he passed out.”
Owen loosens the back of the bear outfit revealing a bit more of the money suit. He just looks at John and raises his eyebrows.
A policeman standing in the crowd a few feet away gets a call on his walkie talkie.
“Robbery at HSBC on Rotherhithe Street, look out for suspicious characters.”
The policeman looks up to see a runner in full burglar outfit with a mask and a swag bag over his shoulder. He decides not to arrest him.
Phil and Ron, the rabbit and the chicken, sit just behind the St John’s Ambulance station. They see the bear collapse and the first aid workers spring into action. They also hear the police walkie talkie crackle. They hear the words bank and robbery. Phil stands and goes to talk to the policeman who looks at the rabbit suspiciously.
“Hi, I’m Phil Crace. I work out of the Watford Station. Sounds like you’ve got a busy day ahead.”
“Just what I need, a bloody robbery here, on Marathon day.”
They both look as the bear’s head is removed and the money is on show.
Phil puts two and two together (a detective in the making).
“Christ. They’ve hidden the money under their costumes. Quick, tell dispatch, we need to get among these runners.”
The rookie policeman contacts his HQ at Marylebone and Sergeant Mark Green answers.
“What do you want O’Neil, we’ve got a nightmare on our hands.”
“Sarge, the robbers are in the Marathon dressed in animal costumes.”
“What?”
“I said; the robbers have got the money from the bank in animal costumes. They’re running in the Marathon.”
“Bloody hell. You better be right about this or you’ll be pounding the beat until you’re old and grey.”
Phil walks over to the gorilla and very calmly asks for the head to be removed.
Jason lifts the head off and looks at Harold.
“Is he going to be ok?”
Owen looks up and smiles.
“He just fainted. Too much excitement.”
Phil peeks inside the gorilla costume and sees wads of cash. He takes Jason by the arm and leads him to the kerb.
“Well, that’s a first. Two bank robbers in one morning.”
Mark Green issues a directive to all officers in the vicinity of the London Marathon.
“The bank robbers of the HSBC in Rotherhithe Street are running in the London Marathon disguised in animal costumes. Use your discretion but intercept anyone in costume and question them.”
Sergeant Simon Adiss, running for the Police Charity is dressed in a Scooby Doo suit. He has run the London Marathon many times and is content to get round in a decent time but not too fast. As he rounds a bend heading for his last five miles he is confronted by a young policeman who asks him to stop running.
“Fuck off and do some police work. I’m busy.”
“Sir, this will only take a minute.”
“And I said fuck off. If I stop I’ll never get going again.”
“Sir, I must insist.”
Simon Adiss pushes the young copper out of his way and trots on. The next thing he feels is a thump in the back as he is rugby tackled from behind and bundled to the floor.
“What the fuck are you doing? I’ll have you kicked off the force for this you twat. I’m a police officer!”
“A likely story sir. “
The young copper rips off Scooby Doo’s head and reveals a very sweaty, very angry Police Sergeant.
“I……am……. Sergeant…………. Simon………….. Adiss………..of………. Hertfordshire……….. Constabulary. And if you don’t have a bloody good explanation for this assault you are in deeper shit than any man walking the planet at this moment in time.”
“Do you have any identification sir?”
This tableau is being played out with hundreds of runners jogging past. All manner of costumes and outfits flit past in the blink of an eye.
“Of course. I stuck my warrant card up my arse and carried it round twenty six grueling miles just so I could show it to some wet behind the ears, brain dead, pillock who decided to end his career by jumping on me for no bloody reason.”
The young copper stands and helps Scooby to his feet.
“We’ve had a call. There’s been a robbery and the robbers have escaped into the Marathon dressed in pantomime costumes. We’ve got to try and intercept them.”
Simon Adiss starts to laugh; the laughter grows until he is almost uncontrollable.
“Look around you. Talk about Unusual Suspects. Take your pick Columbo, nick ‘em all.”
Dave jogs past and sees Harold on the ground, his bear head removed. Money spilling out. Jason is standing on the side just watching. He has removed his gorilla head. He sees Dave in the large bee costume and gently shakes his head to warn Dave. He trots on and makes a few more hundred yards when he sees Colin in his Pink Panther suit being interviewed by a BBC outside broadcast reporter. He trots past without Colin seeing him. He spots his exit route and slips through a gap in the crowd and heads for his rental car a few streets away. He walks calmly to the rented Kangol. He has already prepared the car so that he can climb straight into the back and offload the money without being seen then climb in the front and drive off. He climbs in the back and shuts the door, strips off the bee suit and starts to load the money from his money suit into a large rucksack waiting for that express purpose. In a little over fifteen minutes the money suit is empty and the rucksack and two other holdalls are full. Dave pulls on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a long sleeved hooded sweatshirt. He climbs into the front and drives carefully away from the marathon and heads for home.
Phil and Ron, still dressed as a rabbit and a chicken take Harold and Jason into custody. The sight of them being marched down the street, a Rabbit and a Chicken arresting a Bear and a Gorilla is not lost on Ron.
“We must look like an Animal Farm nightmare. George Orwell will be jumping with joy shouting ‘I told you so’.”
Phil just looks at him and shakes his head.
All over the Marathon, policemen and women stop and check lots of runners in animal costumes. The BBC gets wind of a problem and try and pick up any of the interventions but can’t get their timing right. The Rhinos get stopped. A man riding an ostrich (his legs doubling for the ostrich’s legs and fake legs round his waist) is stopped. A pantomime horse is stopped and checked. Not one solitary note is found.
Colin looks over his shoulder as he departs from the Marathon reporter. His Bob Marleyish reply hopefully confused him as he hadn’t a clue what he’d said. As he jogs past a few more check points he starts to relax. He trots past a policeman checking a man in a tinkerbell outfit. Colin shakes his head as he trots on. The policeman jogs up beside him.
“Excuse me, could I have a word with you?”
Colin stays calm, he replies breathing heavily.
“What….about. I’m trying to run a Marathon here.”
“it won’t take a moment sir. Just come over to the side please.”
The policeman turns to go and Colin lashes out with his foot and sends the policeman flying. He sprints as fast as his money suit and costume will allow into the throng and off down the road.
The policeman hits the ground with a thud banging his chin and stunning him for a few seconds.
He recovers and sits up. He shakes his head then jumps up and sets off in pursuit of the Pink Panther.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
PINK PANTHER
Colin picks up his feet and tries to inject some pace into his escape but the money suit, the money and the Pink Panther costume all conspire to make running a lot more difficult than he had envisaged. Other runners laugh and cheer as he passes them. Some try and run alongside him but can’t keep up for long. He can almost feel the pursuing policeman breathing down his neck but even if he wanted to, he can’t turn his head to look back.
All at once a gap opens up in the runners ahead, the road clear and just the crowd on either side cheering.
Fifty yards in front of him is a motor-bike rider with a BBC cameraman on the back shooting footage of the Marathon.
As he speeds through the crowd the BBC motor bike rider, carrying Wayne Hobbs, is rumbling along at just 15 miles per hour. The BBC Outside Broadcast Unit contacts Wayne on his earpiece.
“This is great stuff Wayne. Get that lunatic Pink Panther full frame for a while.”
He focuses the camera and The Pink Panther fills his view getting ever closer.
The Outside Broadcast Unit has a superb full shot of The Pink Panther and the BBC commentary team makes full use of the shot to make fun comments.
The producer talks in Wayne’s ear again.
“Excellent. Great shot Wayne. Hold it for another 20 seconds then we’ll cut to an overhead shot and you can find another muse.”
Suddenly the vision whirls around and the Outside Broadcast Unit gets a jumbled, blurred shot of legs, arms, sky, trainers and finally a shot of the kerb with a solitary, sad looking empty water bottle lying in the gutter.
“Wayne, you’re not Orson Fucking Welles. Get back to shots of the runners, Wayne, Wayne. Are you there/”
The motor – cyclist feels the back of the bike get lighter and then turns his head to see Wayne the cameraman flying through the air. He stops the bike and puts one foot down to steady himself and check the situation. It isn’t the first time a cameraman has fallen off. Suddenly he finds himself flying backwards. A giant Pink Panther arm propelling him off his bike.
Colin grabs the bike as it starts to fall and climbs on board. He pulls back the throttle and the bike roars beneath him and he pulls away. Fast.
The BBC Outside Broadcast Unit call for the helicopter unit to get a close up of whatever is happening on the ground. The camera closes in on the action below and they can’t believe their luck. The Pink Panther on a stolen motor-bike going sixty miles an hour through the London Marathon. TV gold.
Colin weaves in and out of the runners and tries to be careful and not hit anyone. As he eases the bike forward he puts some distance between himself and the chasing policeman then the crowds suddenly thicken and restrict his progress. He can hear howls of derision and abuse aimed at him. The heavy bike taking all his strength to control through the people clogged road. The chasing policeman, blowing hard and sweating in his heavy uniform sees The Pink Panther getting away and radios for help.
