Filthy Moolah (Freaky Finders Book 3), page 1
Contents
Title Page
Anything for Money
Angry Gods
Time for Tea
A Crowd Gathers
Boring
The Clock Ticks
Getting the Gang Together
A Story
Disappointing
Office Meeting
Bit Stupid
Dirty Bird
Oh, Shit
Dinner Guests
Ready?
Not Again
The Games Begin
Hell Sucks
Hell in Miniature
Change of Plan
Who Put That There?
No Fun
Get Him
The Time
Phew
Fat Men Can't Run
On The Bus
Spooky Lair
Getting Freaky
Kicking Vampire Ass
Getting Our Asses Kicked by Vampires
Crap Path
Bit Obvious
Half a Job
Here We Go Again
Part Two
Going it Alone
Revelations
Heaven's Map
Some Plan
Say it Isn't So
Knocking on Heaven's Door
So Lovely
Not so Lovely
Leaving Paradise
Break's Over
Always Wanted to Say That
Chasing Mr. Lovely
Cup of Tea, Sir?
Say it Isn't So
Furball Freakverse
Strangers in a Strange Land
Unanswered Questions
Filthy Moolah
Freaky Finders Book 3
Al K. Line
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Copyright © 2020, Al K. Line. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Anything for Money
I stifled a giggle as God waggled a finger in my direction and continued his lecture. It wasn't what he was saying that was amusing, it was that I knew what was coming next. Well, and the fact that just like his evil counterpart, he seemed intent on wearing the tightest pair of budgie smugglers in existence. The air shimmered ever so slightly to his side as Hanna, my partner in crime this day, crept up on him, naked and invisible.
This was gonna be awesome, and then the world would be right again. Life had felt unbalanced ever since I'd wedgied Satan, as though I'd gone all yin when I should have yanged, or maybe yanged instead of yinned. Whatever, we were here to even things out, create equilibrium, and if we got to have fun whilst doing it, then what was the harm?
"Wedgie!" I shouted, tears streaming from my eyes, as God yelped, turned purple with shock and rage, before a serene smile spread across his face.
Hanna materialized behind him, the orange Speedos gripped tight in both hands, leaving little to the imagination.
"Gotcha," she whispered, then smiled at God before releasing him and dashing over to me.
"Now the world can rest easy," I told God before I took Hanna's hand.
She spread her wings and we took flight off the heavenly cloud and made a dash for home.
Don't judge me, this is how Freaky Finders roll.
Angry Gods
"I'll get it," I called as I sauntered down my fucking massive and impressive hallway to go answer the door. I hummed as I walked, feeling chipper and all kinds of awesome. Content with life. It was bloody unnerving. I never felt happy like this, but I decided to go with the high I'd been on for weeks now and not delve too deeply into why I was so euphoric.
Maybe wedgieing God really had put things right in the universe. Maybe it was because we'd had some business—I'd paid off all bills and bought several new gadgets with the gold I'd nicked from the leprechauns. Maybe it was just because nobody had set fire to anything or uncovered anything dodgy in the kitchen for a while.
I opened the door with a magnanimous flourish and said, "Hello, how can I help you?" thinking about the fact we had a security gate and it should have been closed but we never bothered.
A meaty guy with a beatific smile cast his azure blue eyes deep as oceans, as pure and innocent as the driven snow, at me, smiled once more, then scowled as he punched me on the nose.
Cartilage cracked, bone splintered, blood spurted. I lost my vision. Pain sent me reeling back into the hall as I screamed, "What the fuck?"
"God's seriously pissed at you," said the stranger with the voice of an angel.
"Why?" I mumbled, gingerly putting my hand to my nose then yelping as I touched the mess on my face.
"Why? WHY? Are you nuts? You wedgied Him! Him. The man upstairs. The Creator of all life. The one and only. The big kahuna. My boss. God. I mean, seriously, how could you?" The grumpy angel loomed over me as I shrank back against the wall.
"It was an accident?" I ventured, figuring it was worth a shot.
"You don't accidentally wedgie God. You accidentally step on a snail, or pick the wrong variety of mushroom to eat, what you don't do is go hunt out God when he's having a nice little break catching some rays and yank his Speedos up around his armpits. It isn't dignified." The angel adjusted his very smart tie tighter around a beefy neck, brushed down the shoulders of a very nice suit jacket, polished his spotless Oxfords by rubbing them on the backs of each calf, then brushed a hand through his slick hair. "My, I do abhor violence, but I have to say, that felt good. Only because you deserved it, not that it gave me any great pleasure."
"You sure about that?" I asked as my fast-healing body repaired the damage. Shame it hurt as much as being punched, but at least my boyish good looks weren't ruined. Okay, I look presentable on a good day, and up until now, this had been one.
"Maybe I enjoyed it a little," he admitted, before brushing past me and wandering down the hall, whistling as he went. "Nice place," he called back.
With little choice, I followed God's messenger into the kitchen, hoping he just wanted a cup of tea and a sandwich before being on his way, but I got the feeling this was about to turn into a rather wacky adventure for Freaky Finders.
Such was my mood that I smiled, humming a tune as I followed him.
What could it be? Did God pay well?
Time for Tea
The intruder stood in the kitchen and frowned as he sniffed. "You should watch it, there are a lot of strange disturbances coming from behind that fridge." He pointed at it, like there might have been loads of them.
"Yeah, we had issues in the past," I told him.
As if on cue, Furball came darting out from a dark corner somewhere, slammed into my chest, and began rumbling away happily.
My guest nodded knowingly.
Suddenly, Furball vibrated in my arms, made a weird mewl I'd never heard before, then launched himself at the angel. Cradled in his arms, she made nosies that confirmed her contentment was on a whole other level.
"Interesting creatures these. Rare too. They come from a peculiar dimension, one that, shall we say, didn't quite go according to plan. You're lucky to have him, a real boon. But they can be dangerous," he warned. "Soothers can change reality, make you lose yourself for weeks or months, and then it's curtains. You can't eat or drink, are merely in a stupor, then you're dead and meeting the big guy. Or the other one." He pointed down. I knew only too well what he meant.
"Look, this is a nice chat and all, but what the hell are you doing in my kitchen and why did you punch me?"
The angel placed Furball down carefully on a chair then ignored me completely. He stepped over to the kettle, waved his hand over it, and it began to boil before switching off with a happy sigh. Without asking, he clicked his fingers and two cups appeared complete with teabags. With a warning look, the kettle obeyed and poured boiling water into the cups before the milk did his bidding and exited the fridge, performed its duty, then retreated into its chilly hibernation. The spoon didn't stand a chance and hurriedly stirred the tea before the tea bags made a dash for it and slapped wetly against the lid of the bin then slid down with two brown streaks and plopped to the tiles.
"Nice job," I muttered.
"Thanks." Angels never seemed to understand sarcasm. I wondered why.
He picked up his cup and stared at it like he wasn't quite sure what to do.
I retrieved mine then stood at the far end of the room and took a sip. Damn, it was good tea, although some sugar would have been nice. I figured it best to not bother asking. I had the weird feeling he'd go homicidal if I insulted his tea-making abilities.
He continued to stare at the murky liquid so I said, "You just drink it, like this." I took a slurp.
"I am well aware how to drink tea. It's just been a while so I want to do it just right."
"A while? What, Heaven run out of tea bags has it?"
"Heaven doesn't run out of anything. But you do know it's not a physical plane, right? You don't have a body there. Not really."
"Yeah, I know, same as Hell, and I gotta say, it's a serious design flaw. Because, I've been to both places, and I can tell you that it su
"If only it were that simple," he sighed. "I've been there a long time, yet still cannot explain it. Yes, you are you, and you feel yourself and can look in the mirror, taste, smell, all the senses, but it isn't the same. This, being here on earth, in a real body, albeit a rather hurriedly put together one, this is the real deal. So, like I said, I want to do it right. Enjoy the moment."
"Suit yourself." I shrugged, then had another sip.
Finally, he took a taste and bless him, his handsome face lit up. "So good. So much better than up there." He hurriedly placed his tea down, put his hands together as if to pray, looked at the ceiling, and said, "Forgive me Lord, I meant no offense."
"Look, what's this all about? I've got things to do."
"You have done enough, I would think. You did a foolish thing."
"Maybe, maybe not. Put things right. There was an imbalance in the wedgie vibe, now things are equal. It's only fair."
"You are a very strange man."
"I know, but that doesn't mean I'm not right."
"Actually," he mused, "it does. You were wrong, you annoyed our Lord, and he's a bit put out that you even found him to be honest. How did you?"
"Aha, that's for me to tell."
"I know, that's why I asked. So please tell me."
"No can do, amigo. That's a Freaky Finders secret. We're the best at finding things, and we take pride in our confidentiality clause." We didn't have one, but I thought it sounded professional.
The angel slurped his tea.
"You know," I mused, "I've been thinking." I hadn't, the thought just came to me. "There is actually no way to wedgie God. After all, he's symbolic, right?" The angel said nothing, just stared at his tea more intently. "I knew it! I knew he was. So, I reckon what with him being symbolic, and what with it being impossible to wedgie him, that he set us up. He did, didn't he?" I was warming to the idea. It made sense. "He set this up, put the thought in Hanna's mind, got me to tag along. He wanted this to happen so we'd do whatever you're here to get me to do. This is a total scam." God wasn't real, the wedgie wasn't real. Nothing was real. Or was it?
"Which brings me to why I am here," he continued, like I hadn't made the most profound statement of all time. I should write a book. It would sell gangbusters. "Why I have been sent to this mortal place. Oh, this tea is divine." He drank some more, and while I watched him his eyes widened. My uninvited guest spluttered his tea all over his nice crisp white shirt and his eyes turned black as he hissed menacingly, right at me.
"Hey," said Hanna as she came into the room. She saw the man and was instantly on alert. She hissed just like the angel and advanced like a cat into the room, never once breaking eye contact with him.
The two circled each other, snarling, every muscle and sinew devoted to one thing. Destroying the other. You could feel it in the air, the pure grace of it, the perfection of movement, like cats stalking prey. It was game on.
"Um, Hanna, this is some bloke from Heaven. Dude from Heaven, this is Hanna."
"The wedgier," he growled. "The defiler of the Uberlord, the blasphemer of the Almighty. The abuser of—"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Hanna with a wave of her hand. "What's your problem? And what are you doing here? We don't want your sort in this house."
"My sort!? Haha, does anyone here even know who you are? What you are?"
Ooh, things were about to get interesting. Maybe I'd finally learn exactly what Hanna was. Her very existence, her nature as a not-quite-an-angel-but-maybe-she-is, might finally be explained.
"No, and it's none of your business."
With that, Hanna pulled her invisible-until-she-needed-it sword from between her shoulder blades and promptly chopped off the angel's head. The head splatted as it hit the floor. "That wasn't nice," said the dead dude in the kitchen, before his eyes closed.
"Hanna, what did you do that for?" I shouted.
"He was annoying," she said. "Hey, can I watch some telly? Can I have this tea?" she took it before I could reply and drank it down in one long gulp.
Great, more cleaning up to do.
A Crowd Gathers
"What's going on?" asked Aunty, looking like she'd just woken up.
"Not quite sure," I replied, watching the show.
"Who's the handsome dude?"
"Some angel. He broke my nose. Does it look okay now?" I stuck my nose out in case she missed it.
"Looks fine. Bloody, but fine. He didn't even break your glasses."
"Yeah, you're right. Weird." That was odd, but I guess this was no normal situation.
"So, the angel?"
"God sent him, apparently. He's pissed Hanna wedgied him, but not sure what the deal is."
"I warned you about that. And you should have taken me. I've always wanted to meet God."
"Maybe next time. And don't forget what I told you, your God is not my God is not Hanna's God. They're all different, if he even exists at all."
"Shut up with that crap, it makes my head hurt." Aunty winced like she was getting a migraine.
"Just telling you like it is. God's mysterious, and all-knowing, although I have my doubts about the all-knowing bit."
"So, what do you think this guy wants? And why are he and Hanna squaring up to each other?"
"Dunno. He said he knows what she is, and then they started the hissing and now they're doing this."
"Boris not like noise." Boris, ex faery, large of girth and with many chins, Greggs pie obsessive, and all round man of mystery and few words, craned his stubby neck forward to peer into the kitchen. "What nice angel doing here?"
"It's a long story. Don't worry about it," I told him.
"Okay." Boris turned around and wandered off. He was like that.
"Hey, some of us are trying to sleep," moaned Mimi as she dragged a ragged black sweater over her head and shook her black and white hair out.
"Does nobody get up at a decent time in the morning?" I asked.
"It's only seven," she snapped.
"Is it? Damn, I thought it was lunch time."
"What's with you lately?" asked Aunty as she peered at me. "You've been really jolly and in good spirits for weeks, it's unsettling."
"Downright unnerving," agreed Mimi. Her two panthers, Shadow and Ghost, padded silently up to us. She stroked their heads and they rumbled like a happy Furball except probably a lot more dangerous.
"Just feeling fine," I replied. It was a worry though.
We watched the show; they were still just hissing and moving carefully around the room, never breaking eye contact.
"Hey, why is there a head on the floor?" asked Aunty.
"Because Hanna chopped it off then the angel rejuvenated just like she does."
"Ah, right."
"It's amazing what you can take for granted after a while, isn't it?" I said, wondering if it was weird we didn't find such things particularly troubling.
"Speak for yourself," said Mimi. "I think it's gross."
"Do you? Do you really though?" I asked.
"Um, yeah."
"Really?"
"Well, you know, it should gross you out. It's not normal, is it?"
"No, it is far from normal."
"But, yeah, you're right, I'm not that bothered. Ugh, that's a bad thing to admit." Mimi left us to it, probably to try to come to grips with the fact such things were now pretty much an everyday occurrence.
Hanna made a move and kicked the head, booting it into the open door of the washing machine.
"Goal!" I roared.
Everyone stared at me. "Um, too much?" I asked, abashed. Everyone nodded, even Hanna.
The angel took his opportunity and pulled out his own sword and lunged for Hanna. She was fast though and easily blocked the attack. Next Hanna took a swipe but our guest was prepared this time and countered with a block and parry.
Hanna swept low but was blocked and so the sword battle to end all sword battles was in full effect.
It went on, and on, and on, and on…
Boring
Aunty pulled up a deck chair and took a drink of her tea. We were on our third cup now and out in the garden. The fight had shifted outside after they'd fallen through the door I'd conveniently opened for them as I didn't want the kitchen getting trashed.
