Some Part of Me is You, page 15
“It wasn't a secret,” Ali protested, feebly. “They could have found out at any time. I'm not—”
Chelsea thanked the waiter for her breakfast and flicked her bangs out of her eyes. “They could have, but there's a canyon between the optics of them knowing this about you when you're nowhere near Kristen and it becoming a talking point when you're on tour with her.”
“That's—”
“Stupid?” Chelsea asked, her face unmoving. “Of course it is. But that doesn't make it any less real.” She paused, crunching on a bite of toast. “I'll be straight with you—because you're smart, and I think you'll grasp this in ways that I'm not even sure Kristen cares to. Okay?”
It wasn't an actual question, but Ali nodded, continuing to shred pieces of the croissant in front of her.
“To Kristen, this is her due. She's played the game, and now it's time for her to do her own thing. And as her manager, I work hard on giving her what she wants—but it's also my job to shield her from the less pleasant sides of the industry.” A quick sip of coffee, and Chelsea continued. “There is a lot of market research behind her image. It's not unusual; to turn a good singer into a star, she needs to be more than just a voice. So there’s constant checking. What do people like about her, what do they associate with her... and what would turn them away from her.”
It wasn't exactly a surprise, but having it laid out so plainly made Kristen sound like a product in the worst ways, and Ali winced. “That's...”
“This relaunch...” Chelsea sighed, suddenly looking very tired. “It's not going to deter her core fan base. They'll accept her doing anything. But as for everyone else, the casual listeners who actually bankroll the bulk of her career, they respond to a certain idea of Kristen.”
“The girl next door,” Ali said, quietly.
“The top three associations made with Kristen are, in order, Home Rule, voice, and family values.” Chelsea smiled faintly. “She's burning one of those to the ground. And her career won't survive this very costly, carefully planned transition if she doesn't retain the others.”
There was nothing to say to that. Ali let out a shaky breath and looked at the remains of her croissant, starting when Chelsea touched her arm.
“I like you, Alison. And obviously, Kristen does, too. But this is about my job and Kristen's career, and both require that we take some steps to distance Kristen from your... exploits.”
Ali looked straight at Chelsea for the first time since she'd sat down. “Do you want me to deny it? Because it wouldn't even be a lie. Not this particular time, I mean. Nothing... happened.”
Chelsea smiled gently. “We'd never ask you to do that. Or, well, I might—but Kris wouldn't let me.”
“So what—”
Chelsea finished her espresso and glanced at her watch. “We can distract from the interest—but once, at best. So, whatever possessed you to find someone to sleep with at the concert—” She held up a finger as Ali started protesting that assessment of last night, which shut her straight up. “—how about next time, you just come and ask me for some recommendations for more discreet locations to pursue someone?”
Ali blinked. “That's—you have like a list, somewhere? ...who would that even—”
Chelsea chuckled. “No, sweetheart. What I have is people who know people. Look, if you ever go for the big leagues, you're going to have to accept that your life is going to change in ways exactly like this this. You're hardly the only gay person with celebrity associations in the world, and we take care of our own. Okay?”
Kevin really had not mentioned this as a possibility, and much as it sounded like Chelsea was offering to be her booty call service, which was extremely weird, it at the very least would ensure that she wouldn't get sacked or ruin Kristen's career or whatever.
Not that she thought she'd be trying this route to distraction again.
She almost said as much, but it would raise questions she didn't want to answer, and so she just gave a small, “Okay” in return.
“Great,” Chelsea said, all business again. She reached straight for her phone and actually ticked something off on it, like “contain gay disaster” was on her to do list. Ali almost laughed again, but if anything, it was a reaction to how mortified she was.
“I really am sorry,” she added helplessly. “I just...” Was trying to get over your artist by hopping into bed with literally anyone? “...wasn't thinking. It won't happen again.”
Chelsea's answering smile was polite but distracted. “Like I said—we have it in hand.”
And with that, she was clearly dismissed.
...
It wasn't the lowest she'd ever felt, but it was close. The idea of turning it all back on in a few hours for a second gig at the Orange Peel was ridiculous. She maybe wanted to sleep for a week, or find a way to turn back time and take a lot of different, better decisions, whatever those looked like.
She tilted her head back against the elevator wall as it carried her back up to her floor and closed her eyes. What she'd done was beyond childish, really; an overreaction of epic proportions to Kristen having a conversation with her ex. And her hissy fit was not only icing Kristen out, but now meant Kristen probably had to jump through a lot of hoops to keep her image intact. She had to find a way to apologize without explaining.
Maybe she could pin everything on thoughts of Julia, however much the idea made her nauseous. That'd just be adding another lie to the layers already there. But in what world was the truth an option?
The elevator dinged open and she pushed off the wall, eyes blinking at the floor as she felt around for her key card. And when she finally raised them again, she froze mid-step, because lounging (or whatever the clearly tense equivalent of it was) at the end of the foyer area, where the corridor split between low and high room numbers, was Kristen.
She forced herself to keep moving, shoving both her hands in her back pockets and trying to get a read. Kristen's expression was impassive; her legs, decked in skinny denim capris, were crossed at the ankle, and her arms flat were flat against her side. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt that looked like gym wear, but no glasses; nothing else to suggest relaxation or hanging out.
As she approached, Kristen's eyebrows pulled together and she pushed off the wall.
“Can we talk?”
The words were brittle, and Ali just nodded, barely able to meet Kristen's eyes.
Time to come up with an apology or an explanation had run out.
...
“It's possible that I... misread this.”
Kirsten's opening gambit had come after a silent trek, not quite side by side, to Ali's single. Once inside, they had somehow positioned themselves on opposite ends of a room not big enough for that to generate any real distance. Kristen was back against a wall, and Ali was pressed up against the desk, contemplating pulling out the chair and sitting on it, but with Kristen standing...
The words took a moment to really sink in, and by the time they had, Kristen was continuing.
“I mean, it's not like it's something I have a lot of experience with, but... I was pretty sure, by Nashville, that it wasn't just me, but then you vanished, and...” A frustrated exhale was accompanied by fingers running through her hair. “Which is fine. It's not like, you know, it's a choice, who we are or aren't attracted to.”
Ali felt her entire body freeze, and her mouth slacken.
“So I figured you just needed some space to, I don't know, get past it, because I get that it's weird if a friend...” Kristen's cheeks colored. “I mean, that song was obviously a disaster, and then you fled after the last show and have barely said three things to me since, and... I'm sorry. Like I said, I don’t do this a lot, or, ever, really, and—”
“Kris,” Ali managed, but it was barely audible, and Kristen shook it off almost immediately, a frown creasing her forehead as she finally looked at Ali.
“I would have gotten the message that, you know, you’re not interested without you sleeping with one of my fans. I mean, I did get the message.”
The immediate words that came to Ali's mind were it was her sister who was the fan, which wasn't the point. At all. And before she could swap them out for better ones, Kristen's expression tightened in a way she'd never seen on her.
“So now, not only is... I mean, you're obviously free to do what you like, but the point at which my manager calls me at 6am to ask if I'm on good enough terms with Jase again after his apology to go back to doing 'our thing’ as some sort of damage control, I think you can understand why I really wish you hadn't done this.”
“Okay, okay, wait,” Ali finally rushed out, holding up her hand. “This is way too much at once. This—I—” She sucked in a deep breath and, well, she might as well go for broke, because everything about Kristen was screaming that they weren't coming back from this anyway. “Are you... are you saying you're... You're not straight?”
There was a second of dead silence, until Kristen sort of scoffed and laughed and rubbed at her face. “No, Alison, I'm not straight. I mean, I clearly can't flirt worth a good goddamn—”
“Oh my God,” Ali said, slumping against the desk and staring mutely at the floor near Kristen's feet. It took her a second, but she forced her eyes back up. “So what the hell was... I mean, congratulations, Kristen? Why didn’t you—”
“There are about three people in the world who know,” Kristen said, flatly. “Chelsea isn’t one of them, because I don’t need it to be something that’s managed. It’s—it’s never been... there hasn’t ever been anyone who would have made me want to—” She stopped, jaw moving as she swallowed, and averted her eyes. “I’d known you for two weeks. You have to understand, someone in my position, the risk of... “
Ali remembered a thank you for telling me and I know it’s a big deal and closed her eyes. “Yeah, okay.”
Kristen shifted against the wall, but it was clear that she was talked out. Somehow, the next move was Ali’s, but she could barely compose a coherent sentence in her head right now, let alone out loud. Still, she had to do something, and it was going to have to be the truth now, wasn't it? She owed Kristen that much.
“I am... really attracted to you,” she admitted, with a faint laugh tailing off the end. “I've felt like some kind of predator for the last few weeks, or like a massive liar, anyway. Here you are with your offer of friendship and I just...” She sucked in a harried breath and gripped the edge of the desk tightly. “I thought I was imagining things. Wishful thinking on blast. And then he showed up, and I remembered you saying that you didn't know what you wanted from him, and I just...”
Her throat felt like it had something lodged in it and she forced herself to look Kristen in the eyes, unable to read what she was thinking; just that her bottom lip was trembling a little, the same way Ali's entire frame felt.
“I didn't sleep with that girl. I couldn't. I thought if I just... maybe it would make it easier to just be your friend, but I couldn't. And she wasn't the fan. Her sister was. Which... doesn't matter, obviously, but I just...”
She stopped, watching as Kristen pressed her lips together hard and swallowed visibly.
“Well,” she finally said, voice rough. “What a mess.”
Ali bit her lip and wondered if she looked how she felt, on the verge of just falling apart completely. “I'm so sorry. If I'd known—”
“You could have asked, you know,” Kristen said, not without bite, even though her eyes were shiny and she wiped at them. “You could have at least asked about Jason, before you decided to... You... a friend would have. But you just...”
The room felt entirely too small for both of them to be in, right now. Ali closed her eyes and asked, “How do we... I mean, what do we do now?”
Kristen laughed; a broken sound. “I don’t know. I think we... I think this stops before it becomes a real problem. I’ll be going out to a public, late dinner with Jase tonight, to send the fans scurrying in a different direction, and ... you were right, you know. Mixing business and pleasure is a really bad idea, especially for someone like me, with the whole world watching constantly. And I know better than anyone that I can’t just... I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Kristen, this isn’t like—” Ali said, and when she blinked, the vision of Kristen across from her shimmered wetly. “I really am sorry about—”
“Me too,” Kristen said, on an exhale, tangling her fingers in the bottom of her shirt and moving away from the wall. On opening the door to Ali's suite, she hovered in the doorway and added a soft, “Let's just... remember what we're here for, and give that our all.”
It was what anyone would have said. Especially carrying Kristen's career. It made complete sense. But how she'd ever separate Kristen from the music now, Ali couldn't even begin to imagine.
9.
Stop 8: Richmond, VA
r/RightTurnChicago
Thundr939 7 points 4 hours ago
Setlist for night 2 @ Orange Peel: Duplex, Rabbit Run, Endstate, Look Ahead, Base Line with the fall 2017 extended outro, Counterfeit, Anathema, and Forget Me Not.
Galactictydez 2 points 4 hours ago
No Gigantic?
Thundr939 1 point 2 hours ago
No, just a really clean set of their own stuff.
everlung 3 points 4 hours ago
Okay so Mitch was as good as he usually is and T&B were really solid but wtf was going on with Ali, M really had to carry them last night
superwariolife 2 points 3 hours ago
I thought she was fine? Like that was good work, really professional job, not everyone can play stuff that complex live and make it look easy
everlung 2 points 2 hours ago
You've clearly never seen them before man. She was fucking dead up there. Going through the motions. She normally every bit as crazy as Mitch, just bouncing off the stacks and adding all sorts of shit for the performance. Nothing like it last night
Thundr939 1 point 2 hours ago
Agreed. Last time I saw them in the Ballroom she was dancing so hard that she tripped when her cords got all tangled and she ended up just staying on the ground during the end of BL, not missing a beat, it was the sickest thing I've ever seen.
everlung 1 point 2 hours ago
So any ideas what was up with her?
indielektra 1 point 1 hour ago
Maybe she finally realized she was on tour with Kristen Nichols and some part of her died of shame...
everlung 6 points 1 hour ago
Oh God not this again - go away
...
Kristen had been nothing but a class act, but God, did it hurt. Distant professionalism was nothing like what they’d had before. She'd had a chance, really had a chance—at a level she hadn't thought she'd ever have it—and missed it, fucked it up, and now the real world was back, lodged between them like a block of cement.
There was some teasing over breakfast about Kristen's late night with Jason before they all set off for Richmond, and Ali had to get out of there. All that she could think to do was send a frantic IHOP Tony please, and when he got the message, without a pause, he turned to Kevin and asked to borrow the car he'd rented for this part of the tour because he needed pancakes like he needed air.
In the end, it meant agreeing they'd drive to Richmond separately from everyone else. Ali curled up in the passenger seat and felt a swell of relieved tears press at the back of her eyes when Tony started the engine. He said nothing, just put a warm hand on her knee and gave it a squeeze, and drove them to the nearest pancake house.
...
“You weren't yourself last night,” he said, after they'd each nibbled at some more breakfast and were nursing coffee silently. He'd given her space by looking at his phone, but now glanced at her over it. “You were good, but you weren't yourself.”
He left off the obvious are you okay, and that somehow made it possible for her to talk about this. He already knew something was wrong. He knew her, and the only reason she'd steered clear of the Kristen thing was because it had been a hopeless secret from Kristen. Now that Kristen knew, it didn't really seem to matter anymore.
Hands around her mug, she looked away from him and at a bottle of syrup on the table instead. “Remember how... that first time we saw Kristen perform, you teased me about...”
“The look on your face?” Tony finished, gently. No joking, not this time.
“Yeah. So. You were right. And for the last month, I've been getting to know her... like, a lot better than any of you have.” She hesitated, but sighed and looked at him. “I've been with her almost every night. Not with her with her, but... we write together, and play, when we have the energy. And... Sometimes we watch TV or talk, but...”
Tony's only reaction was a slow blink. “Oh.”
“I didn't mean to lie about it, but I really...” She produced a wan smile. “I thought it wasn't a secret that we were spending time together, and then I realized none of you knew, and then I thought telling you would mean a lot of questions, and I... I wasn't ready to answer those. Because... you were right.”
Tony finished his coffee and sent the spoon swirling around his empty mug, the fingers of his other hand tapping against it softly. “But questions are okay now?”
This was where it actually got painful to talk about the last few days, and she had to swallow past several big regrets before she could continue. “Yeah, well... turns out that a thing that I thought was one-sided was... not. I just found that out too late, and now...”
Tony softly kicked her ankle, and she looked back at him. “It's just me, Al. Start from the top, okay?”
“Okay,” she breathed, shakily, and started talking.
...
She slept deeply on the drive north and only woke when they were halfway to their destination already. It was pretty blatantly her turn to drive, and when they stopped to swap seats at a rest stop, Tony grabbed her into a hug and stroked her hair.
