Sue, page 20
Inside, she turned the ringer off on her phone and tossed it, along with her purse, onto the sofa. She marched into the kitchen, pulled the rest of the wine out of the fridge, reached for a glass, then changed her mind and guzzled directly from the bottle.
I should call my parents. She knew her dad would be relieved that her kidnapper was dead and gone. Her mom would say what a shame it all was but that he’d got what he deserved. That much is true.
Sue conceded he got better than he deserved, probably died peacefully in his sleep, rendered unconscious from the smoke before the fiery flames consumed his body. His body. The body I craved, adored, practically worshipped. The hands that touched me. And hurt me. The eyes that set off electric sparks under my skin. And turned on me like ice. The sensuous mouth that thrilled me. And belittled me. His beloved flesh, all burned away. Oh god. She took another long pull on the wine, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and stumbled blindly into the bedroom.
In her gut, there was relief. There was a sense of grim justice, a fragile flutter of freedom. But there was also the feeling of being cheated of her rightful destiny. Hers should have been the hand that delivered death to her tormentor. And at the bottom of it all, there was acute, awful grief.
Setting the wine bottle on her desk with a dull clunk, Sue fell across the bed and wept until no more tears came. Numbness set in after a fashion and she rested for a long while in its comforting embrace. Gradually she drifted into an uneasy slumber.
She woke near midnight and struggled to wakefulness. Her room was dark and a great heaviness lay over her heart. Disoriented, she sat up and rubbed her eyes. Then the knowledge of Zeke’s death crept into her awareness and she cried out in fresh pain. Staggering to the bathroom, Sue relieved herself, washed her hands, and splashed cold water in her face. Her eyes were swollen and the wine had given her a headache.
Gripping the sides of the sink, she swayed a little under the onslaught of sorrow, but no more tears would come. The anguish lodged itself somewhere in her chest, making it difficult to breathe. The feeling grew worse and she began gasping for air.
She hurried to the sofa, grabbed her phone, turned it on, and hit the speed-dial button for Dr. Camden. When she reached the answering service, her final shred of composure broke and the operator could barely understand her. Finally she got the salient points across and hung up. She paced the room several times, pulling the collar of her shirt away from her throat. A moment later her phone rang and Dr. Camden’s sleepy but comforting voice was on the other end.
“Susan? What’s going on?”
“I think I’m dying!” Sue choked out the words. “I can’t breathe and my heart feels like it’s going to explode.”
“Have you taken anything, any medication, drugs?”
“No! I’m just...I found out today...Zeke’s dead!”
“Okay. Listen to me, now. You’re not dying. You’re having a panic attack, Sue. You need to breathe; we’re going to breathe together. Listen to me. Take a deep breath. Come on, now. I’ll breathe with you. In...slowly, and now out, slowly now. Let’s do it again...”
Sue gripped the phone, held onto the doctor’s words like a lifeline, and did as instructed. The shadows around the edges of her vision began to recede. Her pulse slowed.
“There we go. That’s better now, isn’t it?” Dr. Camden asked.
“Yes. I think so.” Sue gave a quivering sigh.
“Let’s just take it nice and slow, talk about this a while. So, you got some news today and it upset you. Tell me what happened.”
“They found some bodies in a burned building and they think one of them is Zeke’s.”
“What brought them to that conclusion?”
Sue explained everything Will had told her and the doctor encouraged her every so often with a short question or murmur of understanding. By the time she’d finished, Sue’s breathing was back to normal and her pulse had stabilized.
“Do you have someone who can come stay with you?” Dr. Camden asked.
“I don’t want to be around anyone,” Sue replied. “I only called you because I thought I was having a heart attack. I guess it would have made more sense to call 911.”
“They may have been the better choice in case you had been having an M.I., but I’m glad you called me, Sue. I’m going to rearrange my schedule to fit you in tomorrow. In fact, why don’t you plan to be at my office at eight in the morning? I think that would work best. My first appointment isn’t until eight-thirty, and I can move that out to allow us more time, if needed.”
“Okay. And thank you.”
“Look, you’ve hit a rough patch but you’ll get past it. We’ll talk it over tomorrow. For now, I really wish you’d call someone to stay with you through the night. A girlfriend. Melvin. Or maybe your parents.”
“No, really. I’m better now. I think the worst has passed. It’s like you said; I just panicked.”
They hung up and Sue crawled back into bed, exhausted by the force of her emotions. Hugging her pillow, she drifted in and out of troubled slumber. Sometime during the night she awoke to realize she’d been crying in her sleep; her cheeks and pillow were wet. As the pink light of dawn seeped around her window shades, she dragged herself into the shower and stood under the hot spray until the water turned cool.
After she’d dressed, she sat at her small kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of her. She didn’t have the energy or desire to bother with her hair and it hung in damp ringlets. Her drink grew cold as she stared at the wall, still stunned. A little after seven she roused herself and called in sick again, leaving a message on the office voice mail. Then she brushed through her hair and pulled it back into a clip.
She was calm when she reached Dr. Camden’s office.
“The first thing I want to do is apologize for bothering you last night,” Sue told her as she settled into the chair. “I don’t know why I was so out of control.”
“You were in a fragile state. It’s okay that you called me.” The doctor pulled out her pad and picked up a pen. “How are you feeling today?”
“I don’t know. Just kind of numb inside. No, that’s not exactly right. It’s like there’s heavy weight pressing down on me.”
“That’s grief.”
“Grief? Why should I mourn him? He was a poor excuse for a human being, mean, disgusting. It wouldn’t be normal to grieve for someone like that. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting it to end this way.”
Dr. Camden raised her brows. “How did you expect it would end?”
Sue took a deep breath. There was no need for secrecy anymore. “I thought I’d kill him.”
“I see.”
Sue stared at the doctor, looking for some sign of outrage. There was none. She continued, “I thought he’d come after me and I’d have to shoot him.”
“That was a possibility, I suppose.”
Sue grew bolder. “In fact, I did internet searches, trying to find him. I had visions of hunting him down.” She looked nervously at the doctor from under her lashes. “Are you shocked by that?”
“Many people who have survived abuse dream of killing their abusers, having the power of life and death over their tormentors.” The doctor looked at her. “When the abuser dies prematurely, it can create a dilemma because of the perceived lack of resolution.”
“Exactly! It’s unfinished business. What is my purpose now?” Sue twisted the hem of her shirt in one hand; then, when she realized what she was doing, she forced herself to stop.
“I said perceived lack of resolution. There are other means to resolution, Sue.” Dr. Camden made a quick note.
“Like what?”
“Ultimately that’s for you to decide. But one thing you should do is allow yourself to grieve, not just his death, but also the end to your fantasies of revenge.”
“It wasn’t revenge,” Sue corrected her. “It was justice. It was like a responsibility or something, an important duty. I needed to be the one to wipe him off the face of the earth. Okay, maybe there was an element of vengeance there. But it was so much nobler than that. It was a mission, my mission.”
“The truth is, Sue, that what you are talking about is vigilantism. It’s dangerous. More than that, it’s illegal. Was he worth going to prison over?”
“Prison?” Sue shook her head as if to clear it.
“You’re not above the law, no matter how justifiable his killing would have been.”
Sue’s eyes filled with tears. “I never even thought of it that way. It’s bad enough he wrecked my life to the extent he did. What a sad joke it would have been if I’d ended up spending the rest of it behind bars for killing him.”
“It’s a moot point now,” Dr. Camden said dryly. “He’s gone and your life will only be wrecked if you allow it to be. How you handle your future is up to you, and no one but you.”
Sue’s head cleared with a jolt. “It is up to me, isn’t it?”
“It is, if you decide to step up and take charge of it. This incident might prompt you to reexamine your thought processes, evaluate your internal environment. I think this could be the impetus for a reordering of your perspectives. What do you think?”
“I’ll admit I’ve been clinging to unhealthy notions. Actually wallowing in thoughts that weren’t good for me. You have no idea.”
“I have a pretty good idea. I’ve read your journal.”
“The thoughts I’m talking about, I didn’t write down. At least not in the notebook I bring to my appointments.” Sue gave her a shaky smile.
“I read between the lines a bit.” Dr. Camden returned her smile, then grew serious. “Life is all about adapting. An emotionally charged event such as this almost demands modification to your outlook, a recalibration of sorts. You don’t have to deny yourself a period of mourning. In fact, it’s necessary to grieve. But, it’s soon going to be time to make some decisions, decisions about moving your life forward. This is something you are entirely capable of doing, Sue. Zeke’s death, even with its attendant distress, provides an excellent starting point.”
Sue nodded thoughtfully, but didn’t answer for a moment. Dr. Camden was sterner than she’d been before. At one time, Sue would have been crushed by this firm approach. Today, it made her feel stronger, more secure. It nudged her away from the feeling of dread and gave her permission to seek happiness again.
Sue opened up. “Imagining his body all burned up is horrifying to me. I loved that body so much. Every part of it. It’s weird but a part of me hopes he didn’t suffer. Another part of me thinks he deserved any pain he got. Still, it’s ghastly.”
“I agree. A terrible way to go.”
“The one who died with him,” Sue continued, “I figure she was just like me. Some naive, gullible girl who fell for his lies, went along with him. Probably didn’t realize what she was getting into until it was too late.”
“He was probably following his established pattern.”
Sue vented a little more, dispelling some of her angst and Dr. Camden listened before eventually turning the discussion in a positive direction once again. “You’re free now, Sue. Free to design your future and live without fear. Think about how you want your life to be from now on.”
Those words kindled hope in Sue. By the time the appointment was over, her head buzzed with new thoughts.
The doctor scheduled a few extra appointments to tide her over this current crisis, a consideration for which Sue was grateful.
As she walked to her car she turned on her phone and checked for calls. She had two voice mails from Melvin and a text message. With a stab of guilt, Sue returned his call. She wedged the phone against her ear with her shoulder as she unlocked the door and slid behind the steering wheel.
“Sue! Thank God. I was starting to get really worried about you.”
“I’m okay, Melvin. I just got out of a doctor’s appointment. I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I just needed a little time.”
Melvin’s silence spoke volumes. Unasked questions hung in the air like shadows.
Sue hurried to add, “I don’t know what your schedule is like, but I called in sick to work today. I think I’m going to go home and take a nap right now; I didn’t sleep well last night. But, look, I know we’ve got some talking to do. Would you want to get together later?”
“I wish I could see you right now.”
“Don’t you have class?”
“All day long, but to hell with the seminar. This is more important.” His voice was controlled, but carried an undertone of hurt. “Sue, I didn’t expect you to react this way. I don’t understand. You’re glad he’s gone, aren’t you?”
Sue shuddered as an unexpected chill traveled through her body. “It’s complicated, Melvin. But, yes. The greater part of me is very relieved.”
“Will told me I should give you some space, but it’s hard. I don’t want space from you.”
Sue chuckled softly. “I don’t need a lot of space. Right now, I just need a little rest. I don’t track well when I’m sleep deprived. You should go ahead with your seminar and come over later. Everything’s going to be fine. I promise.”
“Okay.” He sounded relieved. “I’ll be out by five. Want me to pick up some burgers on my way?”
“That sounds good. I’ll see you then.” She buckled her seat belt. “And Melvin?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t worry, okay? I mean it.”
A short pause. “I’ll see you later.”
Sue drove home, fighting fatigue. Once there, she crawled under the blankets and fell into a deep sleep. She woke around four that afternoon and lay still for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. The pain in her heart had softened to a dull ache.
In the bathroom, she took a long look in the mirror. “Yuk.” She ran a brush through her disheveled hair and then pulled it back in a tidy braid. After washing her face, she applied a little makeup. There was no sense in creating more worry for Melvin with her appearance.
When he arrived, she took the food sacks from his hands and set them aside before melting into his arms. He embraced her then pulled back to search her face. She forced her lips into a small smile.
“I’m really happy to see you, Melvin,” she said, and meant it.
He pulled her close once again. “I’m damned happy to see you!”
They hugged for a few minutes and then separated. “Why don’t you set the food out on the table?” Sue suggested. “I’ll get a couple of sodas and we can eat. After that, I want to show you something.”
“Did you get a nap?” Melvin took a bite and watched her carefully as he chewed.
“Ye. A good long one. And I feel much better.” She took a sip of her drink and changed the subject. “How was school today?”
Melvin brightened. “It was good. The instructor staged a mock trial and called up students to act as witnesses. He gave each of us a brief description of a crime scene. We had five minutes to read it over; then we had to answer questions about it. You’d be surprised how different the answers were, even though we were all given the exact same page to read.”
Their meal passed pleasantly. Once finished, though, things turned serious.
Sue began the discussion by plunging in. “I know you’re worried that I still have feelings for Zeke and you’re thinking that’s why his death hit me so hard.” She put up a hand to stop Melvin from interrupting. “I’ll admit to some confusion about my feelings, but there’s more to it. So much more. Wait here.”
Sue left the room and returned with her notes and the file on missing women. As she spread it out before Melvin on the coffee table, his eyes widened.
“These are reports on murders and on missing women. I’ve been tracking them since I came home from the hospital.”
Melvin glanced through the contents of the file. “I’m familiar with most of this. Will has a file just like this in his desk.”
Sue looked at him in surprise. “He does?”
“I told you he hadn’t given up on catching Zeke.”
Sue frowned. “Are my parents paying him for that?”
“Oh, no. This is something he did on his own. You know, Zeke got under his skin. He really despised that guy. Wanted so bad to bust him, bring him down.” He looked at the typed sheets of her notes and observations. “These are meticulous, Sue, really well-written. Pretty impressive.”
“Well, personal issues aside, I found that I enjoyed the research part of it more than I thought I might. I also liked organizing the material, writing the notes. But it goes deeper than that, Melvin. I’m going to make a confession to you right now.” He turned his eyes from the file and fastened them on hers. She had his full attention. “I was tracking these things for a reason. I thought they’d lead me to Zeke. I had a plan, a very secret one.”
“What kind of plan?” His shoulders hunched slightly, as if expecting bad news. “Were you going to go back to him?”
“What? No! I was going to kill him.”
“I knew it!” Melvin slapped his forehead. “That’s why I told you I didn’t want you exploring any of those places without me. I just had a feeling you were thinking about confronting him on your own! At least I know I’m not crazy. I was right.” He stood and went to the window to peer out, his back to Sue. “But I also worried that you still loved him. Was I right about that, too?”
“Oh, Melvin. How could I love someone who hurt me so badly?”
He didn’t turn around, fiddled with the window shade. “I don’t know. The way you talked about him sometimes...it made me wonder. And the way you reacted to the news of his death. It was shocking to me.”
“Don’t you understand? The biggest share of that grief was because I’d been robbed of my goal. I had planned, trained, schemed, searched, and practiced in my mind finding him and ridding the world of him. All the energy and time I put into it. And then suddenly, I find out my efforts were wasted.”
